After My Brother's Suicide...

[forgetmenot]

Thank you for pointing that out to me. I am starting to see your point. This depression and my anxiety is controlling my mind right now and i am not seeing things clearly. I hate being this way so indecisive but i will go back on medication thanks mary

 

[amastie]

..Im okay the meds were controling me..

David has said it for us all.

When when we are most stressed and our thoughts most distorted that it is hardest to *believe* that they are wrong. Is the doctor who prescribed the medication a psychiatrist or a general medical doctor who only prescribes at the behest of the psychologist? If it is the latter, then pehaps you would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist as well.

Meds, taken as required, never control a person. They only enable *you* to have control. Without proper help, you surrender control.

I will be glad to know that you have discussed all of this with your psychologist.

Thinking of you and wishing you well every moment.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Hello,
five years ago {edited: tried to commit suicide} i thought it was my only option my life seemed to be pointless and i felt like i couldn't fight anymore i had given up. I had my mother on my side the whole time and even my twin sister and my older brother but none of them noticed the pain that i was feeling i was so busy making sure they were all happy int their little lives trying to smoothen the impact of losing me, the day that i took the pills my family was not even aware until they got a call from the hospital informing them that their 15 year old daughter was at the hospital in the ICU.

i survived as you can see, but the thing is my family and friends were all devastated mostly because they felt that they should have saw something coming that somewhere i was giving signs to them that i was not doing good but the truth is a couple of months before this had happened i was happy i was okay i had made up my mind and was doing pretty good, i have an eating disorder they new that at the time and i was eating again, so to them i was better all of the sudden, i did everything in my power for them no to worry about me and just caused them to feel even more terrified and worried.

Your brother, may have given signs but he may have not showed anything to anyone, you may be a nurse but that doesn't mean you can see through people even your own brother. I was being treated by a psychologist and nutritionist a nurse and a doctor on a regular basis and none of them suspected anything.the choice if it is a choice is our own it is not anyones fault if we reach that point not even our own, it is just plane helplessness a point were you reach that you feel that its the end. By over protecting your family now it wont bring back your brother and it won't save them from suicide.

It will drain you of your energy the energy you should use in grieving. sometimes you just can't save anyone. I have an older brother and a twin sister and put in your position the choice i would have made would probably be the same, not because i love one more or less but because i would go with the one i felt was in more danger and that needed me the most. if you would have run to your brother would you have been able to live with yourself any more if it were your sister that was not there today.

it was not your job to save anyone, your brother knew you loved him, we know everyone loves us but when you reach that point of despair you feel that people would just be better off. It's not your fault believe me it is not and your brother would not want you to blame yourself and to dedicate your life in shielding your family from that.talk to your family tell them how you feel about your brother and listen as they tell you how they feel discuss with them and try to understand what all of you need to morn!

i am sorry for your loss, your life is still their and your brother would want you to live it.
yours truly ashley

 

[forgetmenot]

Thank you Ashley Kate for sharing this with me. I wish i could talk with them about my brother but i won't cause them anymore pain. If i could replace this feeling of guilt i would but it doesn't matter. I will survive for the rest of them somehow. I am glad you are well and have your family with you. I do hear what you are saying it is just hard to let it all go.. He was a very kind person my brother but people only saw his illness in the end. Ah tears coming good thing i guess i haven't cried for awhile. Thank you Ashley Kate i will try to forgive myself and move on from this because there are others who need me here and yes he would not want to see any of us in this kind of pain. I am sorry he was all alone in the end i wish i had been a better friend to him. Thank you take care Ashley Kate of you too okay mary

 

[Ashley-Kate]

in no way this process will be easy letting go of this is facing the things you don't want to face the facts that you couldn'T be there, the fact that you would have wanted to but couldn't be in 2 places at the same time. the choices you made, and also the choice he made.at some point you may even go through feelings of anger and frustration not towards only yourself but towards your brother and that would be normal too. When we are born into this world god didn't give us this huge book and "how to deal", that would have been nice of him but he didn't. I find in my position having been so close to being gone and also as many having been close to someone who has commited suicide i feel talking to people and reaching out to people helps me get past this helps me use what i have been through to help others in their struggle, but i only could do that when i had delt with the hard stuff. the stuff that i can't change, the pain i caused and the fear i have implanted in my family will remain present whenever they see me slipping into sadness. You may not have been there for you brother as you believe but do this for him show him that his act did not kill you too! by talking with your familly it may cause some pain but the more you talk the easier it will get and you will start being able to talk even more about the good things he did the great person he was and the little funny things he did that made him who he was. he will become a positive thing and not a painfull thought.
believe in you ,
this too shall pass.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks Ashley-Kate for trying to get me to see that in some way it was not all my fault he is gone. My daughter also feels remorse for her attempts of suicides she realizes now i think how much of a toll it has taken on me. I am not one to talk openly to anyone about my pain. always been that way I internalize alot of it. I am old now and my main concern is my daughter getting her to a point of independance of me and better self esteem is my concern because i am getting to point i am worn out and all my energy needs to go to her. Even my sister who i love dearly i have been letting others look after her needs but I have to decide soon if i can take her home with me.
I appreciate you kindness and i will try to forgive myself thanks mary

 

[forgetmenot]

It has been decided my twin will live with me end of april. I will help her find a little home for herself in the village near where i live. She is not drinking now and i think she knows if she starts up then she will have ot go. I can't have happen to her what happen to my brother. She needs to know i care.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

great news i am happy that you get to have your sister with you for a little while. it is good news! what is realy important is that there always be communication between the two of you and that when you feel something is not working out or that you are uncomfortable with something or you think she started drinking again that you tell her as soon as you start to feel that way, and it is important for her to also know that she can confide in you when she is not feeling right leave the doors of communication open it is most important. and good luck sweetie i know this is going to be good for you to have your familly close to you.
take care.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks i think we can work together I hope the pain doesn't come back. We just have to stay in the present and move on. Ive told her no talking about anything about past about my brother about my aunt nothing. I don't want to hear it. I just want to move forward and hopefully she can get a little house near me.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

well shutting out the past may not be a good idea for ever maybe for the moment as you allow yourself to get stronger but dealing with the past will help you get even stronger. so it may help now but the past that we dont deal with has this bad reputation of comming and bittting us in the "behind" when we least expect it..

 

[Mari]

I don't want to hear it.

What if it is important for your sister to talk about things? I think that Ashley has given you some good points to think about. Take good care. :dimples: Mari

 

[Ashley-Kate]

hi, with what you have told us of your sister she is also dealing with tough times and needs support and maybe she needs to talk about the past in order to get better and if she keeps it in a lot like what you want to do it may not be helpful for her at were she is at in her grieving process we all deal with things differently and although hard we must accept how other chose to deal with their own pain and not block it off.

I remember when i was much younger(i am not that old..) me and my sister were heading out to cadets together and my mother got a phone call from her family in Quebec (we were living in Ontario at the time) and it was her older brother informing her that her youngest brother 21 years old had took his life , my reflex at that time was to act strong to hide away ans cry in my own time but not in front of my family and my sister being so bottled up and unable to understand the emotions she was living laughed while crying but she laughed as i was well aware that my uncle had past away i was furious at him and my sister she was in denial for many weeks she remained in denial until we moved to Quebec a couple of weeks later and we walked into my uncles empty apartment, then she cries, the reason i bring this up is to express to you that we all have we all have our need for time and we all have different pain you may have lost the same person but your feelings could be completely different towards that person. be there for your sister but don't be a wall in front of her when she will need to open up if you can't hear her out if it is too hard for you tell her and explain to her that you are not ready but don't refuse to allow her to talk about it.. it is hard but i know you can do it stay strong

 

[forgetmenot]

I know Ashley-Kate but i won't be consumed with garbage from my past. I am a different person now and i can only function as the person i am now. The past is exactly that stupid memories of stupid people and i just can't go there anymore it only makes matters worse. I have my twin home with me and i can undo some of the harm that was done and show her she is worth fighting for. I hope maybe she can pass on somethings to my daughter of what she learned andhelp my daughter see alcohol and other addictions are not the way to deal with illness and pain. thanks mary

 

[Yuray]

Can the above post be possibly written by the Mary we have all come to know in here? There is too much positivity, and that makes me think there may be an imposter using Marys name. Someone please verify this for me.

 

[forgetmenot]

Again thanks for the laugh Yuray. Yes it is me thinking with a clear mind. Positive thoughts get positive results and this will work out l will have it no other way. Take care have a great weekend mary.

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Yes I hear you but when she needs to talk whatever out she willhave to do this with someone else. She needs to know too all this talk about past is not right. She is to stay in the present and look to tommorrow. Its over everything. She needs to stay focus on getting a little house for herself. Getting on with her life and not stay stagnet in the past god i hate the past and i will not remember it or have anything to do with it. She understands if we are to do this it will have to be in the present, past no more. Mary

 

[Jazzey]

Sometimes moving forward requires revising the past Mary - so that we can understand why we are where we are and, to break some cycles and patterns.

And I mean with the help and guidance of therapy. Your twin's psychiatrist should really be involved in all of her decision making right now. While I really appreciate you're wanting to protect her, and that you love her, love her enough to support her in getting the best mental health for herself. Love her enough to make sure that she does actually move forward in recovery without just dismissing the past. While we may not like our pasts - they're not easily dismissed...And you know that first hand. :hug:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Sometimes moving forward requires revising the past

or at least accepting it.

 

[forgetmenot]

I will make sure she makes psychiatrist appointment when she returns home to me. Her psychiatrist is there mainly for reordering her meds. I mean my sister has had 4 mths of therapy she should have had all this past nonsense dealt with now so move on. I don't believe in dwelling on past just what is in front of me now as every time i go back it makes me ill so ive decided no more. i will stay well on my own because that is what i tell my brain to do. My twin will have to make sure she stays well no more negative talking just positve thoughts only. If she wants talk about past talk withher psychiatrist not me. I only know how to be what i am now. I will never accept my past it should never have happened and i can't do anything to change it. Thanks Jazzey but i am not that child anymore never again will they put me backthere. Living it once was quite enough for me. Mary

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I mean my sister has had 4 mths of therapy she should have had all this past nonsense dealt with now so move on.

I'm sorry but that is absolute nonsense, Mary, and it reeks of a total lack of compassion or understanding.

There is no time limit on grief and no timetable for grieving. 4 months? That's a flash in the pan for most people.

I am still grieving for my daughter after more than 12 years. Your comment is insulting and insensitive.

 

[forgetmenot]

I am sorry i did not mean to be that. I was talking about our past not my brother suicide and i can't bring him back or change anything so i refuse to think about it. I know you will never get over your lost and i am sorry you took it that way. I just want us to live in the present now where we are safe with no pain. Dr Baxter please don't say that im insulting and incensitive i feel everyones pain too much that is why i avoid it. I am so sorry if i caused you any pain mary.