My husband is the adult son of a narcissist and wants a divorce

[Leah]

Hello there,

I am new to this site, and really hope that you can help. My husband of 5 years is, I believe, the son of a true narcissist; his mother is the most self-absorbed, cold woman I have ever met. All was fine with us until he started to act very strangely following the death of his brother earlier this year. He became withdrawn, started clamming up and, when prompted, said that although he loves me more than anyone in the world, he is so confused about life and sees no future with me. When prompted further, he said that he wants a divorce. I am heartbroken. He is the love of my life. He is seeing a psychologist (on my insistence) and we went for counseling; during these sessions he goes back and forth, saying that he loves me but that he must leave me. We had no serious issues at all until his brother died. This "trigger" seems to have caused him to become someone else. He looks and speaks like a child--confused, repeating what he hears with no analysis. And I am left in the middle of this, reeling from the shock. Does anyone have a suggestion of whether it is worth saving this marriage or if the child of a narcissist is beyond help? Shall I just run from this mess? Thank you!

Leah

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: My husband is the adult son of a narcissist, and wants a divorce

:welcome2:

All was fine with us until he started to act very strangely following the death of his brother earlier this year...

That being the case, I would think he is bound to get better, eventually, at least if he gets any necessary treatment. For example:

"If a bereaved person's depression otherwise meets criteria for major depression, it should be taken seriously, diagnosed as major depression, and treated accordingly, rather than continuing to use the bereavement-exclusion rule and treating this as 'normal grief'," said Dr. Zisook.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/grief-an...sion-identical-to-other-depression-types.html

Though his mother may be a narcissist, I would think grief would be more likely to trigger depression rather than narcissism, especially since narcissism is more like an "ingrained personality trait." I don't have personal experience with grief, but I know with depression there is more self-focus and withdrawal, which can result in the appearance of ordinary self-absorption.

when promoted, said that although he loves me more than anyone in the world, he is so confused about life and sees no future with me.

during these sessions he goes back and forth, saying that he loves me but that he must leave me.

How often is he bringing up a desire for divorce, now? Is he still just as ambivalent?

He is seeing a psychologist (on my insistence) and we went for counseling

Is he seeing the psychologist regularly like twice a month? Do you still sometimes go, too, for couple's counseling?

 

[NicNak]

Re: My husband is the adult son of a narcissist, and wants a divorce

:hithere: Leah :welcome: to Psychlinks.

 

[Andy]

Re: My husband is the adult son of a narcissist, and wants a divorce

Welcome Leah:beer2:

I imagine your husband is still grieving. Also when someone has the whole life and death thing thrown into their lives in such a personal way, I know a lot of people I know start thinking about their own mortality and what life is all about. Maybe your husband is extremely lost.
I think it is great that you are doing couples counseling and he is doing individual therapy. :goodjob:

I don't understand this:
"Does anyone have a suggestion of whether it is worth saving this marriage or if the child of a narcissist is beyond help? Shall I just run from this mess?"
First of all he was the child of a narcissist long before his brother passed away, so is this the real reason their are problems? Also if he is the "love of your life" then wouldn't you want to stay and try to work things out?
I am not trying to be insensitive to your situation, I am just trying to understand.
:support:

 

[Leah]

Re: My husband is the adult son of a narcissist, and wants a divorce

Thanks Daniel. Really appreciate your input. He has alays had a tendency to be "child-like". He needs to be hugged (not a bad thing). He has always been incredibly sensitive of criticism. He tells me that he will never be my rock but will always need my support. This has not been a problem until the past six months, during which he has crumbled. I know that this has been a period of great suffering for him, so hope that he will recover some strength.

What is bothering me is the following:

1) He is starting to demonstrate what I believe is manipulative behaviour. Saying that he loves me more than anyone in the world, but sees no future with me. He tells me that "there are fundamental issues" with how we see the world, and in the same breath says that we have such a great life together and have the same values. He is confusing and hurting me hugely.

2) During our counselling session yesterday, he said that we would never have a future togetehr. That he reallly wanted kids and a simple life, and that I did not. Yet, for the past year, I have been talking about having kids and saying that we should plan on this in the coming months. He also told the same counsellor in a one-on-one session that he felt pressure from me to have kids soon. He seems to all of a sudden taken a crazy and false view about who I am and what I want, but it is a million miles away from what I have told him and what he, in turn, told the counsellor.

3) In the past two months, he has just sat and stared into space, or stared at me, saying that he loves me. When I ask what is wrong, he just says that we don't belong together. He then sits and cries his eyes out. When I ask what he wants to do, he says "I don't know". And then, just yesterday, when I told him that the status quo was not working, he repeated "the status quo is not working". He then just said "we should separate". It is like he is a robot. Like he does not hear what I am saying but repeats (like a parrot) what I or others tell him, without internalising it.

4) Even before things started getting bad (two months ago), he had a tendency to tell these glittering stories as if he had been in the room, almost putting himself into the body of someone else. He woul roll on the floor laughing about how someone did something funny. Then, if you asked him "wow, that was cool, so what did you do?", he would say "well I was not there". This has always struck me as strange. It is like he lives the lives of other people yet, when it comes to his own life, he has no idea of what this could look like, saying repeatedly "I see no future for myself at all".

5) He says that his mother is a narcissist and only cares about herself, but that he also got "too much love" as a child. I am scared that something horrible happened to him as a child and that all of this is now coming out. I am scared that he is not well and that he will not receover from this.

So, when you ask why I should not try to save my marriage, it is because I am SO scared that this guy is permanently damaged :-(

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: My husband is the adult son of a narcissist, and wants a divorce

My layman reaction would be to encourage him to see a psychiatrist for a second opinion about what is going on. It still seems to me he could be suffering of depression, e.g.:

saying repeatedly "I see no future for myself at all".

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: My husband is the adult son of a narcissist, and wants a divorce

My layman reaction would be to encourage him to see a psychiatrist for a second opinion about what is going on. It still seems to me he could be suffering of depression

I agree. This sounds like what is sometimes termed "complicated bereavement" and probably a major depressive episode.

It is not uncommon for individuals who have suffered a major loss, especially if it is their first major loss, of someone close to them to gain a sense of their own maortality - if this could happen to him, it could also happen to me - I am not immortal. One consequence of this is that sometimes you will see individuals going through a process of reevaluating their lives - what am I doing that I don't like doing? what am I not doing that I wish I were doing? if my life is limited, and if I am mortal then it is limited, I must make sure I am making the best of the time I have. It's a form of taking inventory.

My guess is that this may be what your husband is doing. It would also explain his seemingly contradictory statements, his ambivalence and confusion. It may well be that he is still "taking inventory" but is still undecided and uncertain.

Seeing a therapist for himself, rather than a couples therapist, may help him to sort all this out.

 

[why]

Re: My husband is the adult son of a narcissist, and wants a divorce

Hello Leah :wave: , you found a great place.

 

[Leah]

Re: My husband is the adult son of a narcissist, and wants a divorce

Thank you to everyone who has replied. This is incredibly helpful!!!

Are people with depression/going through depression/complicated depression able to function well at work? He goes to work, is well presented, manages to laugh and joke with friends (but then later says that he is deeply sad but found a few moments of joy in that conversation; which I can relate to now). His eyes have lost all (almost childlike) happiness that they once had. The therapist told us that this was not a couples issue, and wanted to see him alone. He will continue (I hope) to see this psychologist, who also said that he wants to delve into his past and his family history, which could have some bearing on things.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for the best outcome, whatever that may be. The grief on my side is now also an issue; I am deeply saddened and feel "cheated" out of what was a great and loving relationship and friendship, but will need to focus on myself as that is the only thing I suppose that I can control at this stage. Any and all suggestions welcome!

THANK YOU for a great site.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: My husband is the adult son of a narcissist, and wants a divorce

Are people with depression/going through depression/complicated depression able to function well at work?

Most people with depression are able to hold down a full-time job, including using work as an escape.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: My husband is the adult son of a narcissist, and wants a divorce

Similarly:

The tricky part of recognizing male depression is that, very often, it doesn't look like depression at all. Depressed guys often mask their depression with workaholism or substance abuse.

Is He Depressed or What? : What to Do When the Man You Love Is Irritable, Moody, and Withdrawn

Also, I found this in a previous thread on the effects of depression on relationships:

Dealing with depression fallout requires first and foremost an understanding that your depression sufferer has a common, treatable illness, and that its symptoms include the following. In the right-hand column are the ones doctors use to diagnose depression. In the left-hand column are the unofficial, but nonetheless real-life, symptoms that you observe, especially when you are alone together.

UNOFFICIAL SYMPTOMS

• self-absorbed, selfish, unaware or unconcerned about the needs of others
• unresponsive, uncommunicative, aloof
• changeable and unpredictable; illogical and unreasonable
• manipulative
• pleasant and charming in public, the opposite at home
• makes inexplicable and sudden references to separation and divorce
  [*]mean, belittling and critical
• increased use of alcohol and drugs

OFFICIAL SYMPTOMS

• a persistent sad, "empty" or anxious mood
• loss of interest or pleasure in activities previously enjoyed, including sex
• sleep and appetite disturbances
• difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• irritability, excessive crying
• thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
• chronic aches and pains that don't respond to treatment

The unofficial list of symptoms explains why depressive illness undermines good relationships and disrupts families. Identifying, understanding, and learning how to cope with them is the first step in helping both the person you love and yourself.

The book suggests ways to tell your spouse, lover, parent, or child that they may be depressed, and persuade them to seek a doctor for diagnosis and treatment.

http://www.depressionfallout.com/

 

[Leah]

Thank you so much (AGAIN!), Daniel. I have ordered a couple of books from the DepressionFallout site--which was really helpful. One last question: are there any books that you would suggest on bereavement and ensuing depression that I could suggest to my husband?

 

[Daniel E.]

No, but grief is not something I have really experienced or studied.

I did see at Amazon that some books on depression like Undoing Depression and Depression for Dummies had more references to grief than other books on depression. (There is a popular book on male depression, but it doesn't discuss grief in any significant way.) My general impression is that the books on grief refer to depression more than the books on depression refer to grief.

Also, I saw a few books specific to sibling grief like:

Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies

That book has a chapter on depression.

Of course, there are also articles on complicated grief and depression and grief, e.g.

Bereavement-Related Depression is Depression

Is Grief a Mental Disorder? No, But it May Become One!

Psychologist Kay Jamison Distinguishes Grief From Depression