My separated husband and I are both 67 years old. He and I were both widowed when we married two years ago. A year ago I had to leave because of his anger and rage. I initiated divorce proceedings a few months ago, he is not contesting. Have never seen him nor heard his voice since I left. Just wish I knew what he thinks of me. Nobody has offered to speak with him and find out.
- Thread starter Cheryl
- Start date
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
What difference would it make in your life if you did know? What if his feelings toward you now are very negative? Would you still want to know?
I'm not surprised that no one has offered. Most people would probably expect that to be received as an intrusion.
Have you asked anyone who knows both of you? Or asked anyone to find out for you?
Thank-you David Baxter for responding.
Yes, I would want to know if to some extent or totally his feelings are negative. Judging on my past behaviour in life, I would most likely leave it there.
In a wider scale no one has stepped up to support me or inquire about me in any way. Responses of people to my request for finding out are definitely things I do not want to hear.
Yes, I would want to know if to some extent or totally his feelings are negative. Judging on my past behaviour in life, I would most likely leave it there.
In a wider scale no one has stepped up to support me or inquire about me in any way. Responses of people to my request for finding out are definitely things I do not want to hear.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.
Like grief, separation and divorce can be a touchy area for some (many) people. It's an area where they often don't know how to respond or how to be supportive, perhaps because it's an area that may trigger some personal fears or worries for them. As a result, often they look to the person going through the transition to take the lead in letting them know what they need.
In the case of separation and divorce, there's also another factor. I think people tend to assume that the person making the decision to leave tends to have made that decision as part of a process and thus has things relatively together. The person who has been left, on the other hand, will be more likely to be seen as the one needing support.
Those are, of course, often very inaccurate assumptions but they are nonetheless pretty common, I think.
If you are not getting the support you need, I think you need to be in touch with family and/or friends to let them know you're having some difficulty with the transition.
And the starting point there would be to be clear in your own mind what kind of support you would like to be receiving. If you reach out to others without a clear idea of what you want or need from them, or if you don't take the lead in reaching out at all, you're asking them to guess what you need, to read your mind. And frankly very few people have the knack for doing that.
forgetmenot
MVP
I just want to say that i know it took strength to make that decision to leave for your own safety and now that you have perhaps you can get some counseling for you to help you deal with the divorce and to help you to move forward now.
Perhaps a women center where they are trained to talk to people who come from an abusive relationships who help the women move onto a path of strength and independence someone that can help you deal with the emotions you are feeling right now . Talk with your family ok someone you trust so you do no feel so alone. Try to concentrate on you that is what i am trying to say not on him not on what he is feeling but on getting some therapy for you now. take care of you ok.
Perhaps a women center where they are trained to talk to people who come from an abusive relationships who help the women move onto a path of strength and independence someone that can help you deal with the emotions you are feeling right now . Talk with your family ok someone you trust so you do no feel so alone. Try to concentrate on you that is what i am trying to say not on him not on what he is feeling but on getting some therapy for you now. take care of you ok.
Cheryl,
When your first husband died, you probably ran an ad in the paper called an obituary. It told about his life, who his family was and announced a gathering, a funeral. This brought friends and family together and you received a lot of support. Funerals are important to help survivors get into a natural grief pattern.
With divorce, it is different, you don't run an ad in the paper. You don't gather friends and family together (although it's not a bad idea.) Lacking support combined with a lot of unanswered questions, it is difficult to get into a healthy pattern of grief. Perhaps, look back at how you grieved the death of your first husband. What got you through?
From past posts, you have tried to understand your current husband's rage. You thought that maybe it was a personality disorder. That could very well be. In so many of the personality disorders the afflicted wears a mask. They project themselves as personalities that are false. They try to convince a person (victim) that they are honest, caring, grandiose, successful, God fearing, etc. In actuality they are not. The victim falls in love with the false image, the mask.
You marry and start living with them. Soon you realize that the qualities you thought they had were not real and you begin to question. As you question, you are peeling off the mask exposing, the true self. When the true self is revealed they do one of two things, they either rage or do the silent treatment. Sounds like you caught the rage. In your choosing to leave the man, you rejected his true self. Because you are free of him, he can't rage, so he remains silent. What is sad is that the only way you can have him in your life is to allow him to continue to abuse you.
How does he feel about you? You exposed him, you saw through his fake self. Why would he come around you? He can't fool you.
Although it hurts, you have to try to move forward. Does he know how much he hurt you? He has those moments, but he blocks it out because it affects the vulnerable side of him.
Cheryl, I went through this with my ex-wife. I began to heal when I started researching why I had attracted her. (What did she want?) What I thought she wanted was a far cry from what she was really after.
When your first husband died, you probably ran an ad in the paper called an obituary. It told about his life, who his family was and announced a gathering, a funeral. This brought friends and family together and you received a lot of support. Funerals are important to help survivors get into a natural grief pattern.
With divorce, it is different, you don't run an ad in the paper. You don't gather friends and family together (although it's not a bad idea.) Lacking support combined with a lot of unanswered questions, it is difficult to get into a healthy pattern of grief. Perhaps, look back at how you grieved the death of your first husband. What got you through?
From past posts, you have tried to understand your current husband's rage. You thought that maybe it was a personality disorder. That could very well be. In so many of the personality disorders the afflicted wears a mask. They project themselves as personalities that are false. They try to convince a person (victim) that they are honest, caring, grandiose, successful, God fearing, etc. In actuality they are not. The victim falls in love with the false image, the mask.
You marry and start living with them. Soon you realize that the qualities you thought they had were not real and you begin to question. As you question, you are peeling off the mask exposing, the true self. When the true self is revealed they do one of two things, they either rage or do the silent treatment. Sounds like you caught the rage. In your choosing to leave the man, you rejected his true self. Because you are free of him, he can't rage, so he remains silent. What is sad is that the only way you can have him in your life is to allow him to continue to abuse you.
How does he feel about you? You exposed him, you saw through his fake self. Why would he come around you? He can't fool you.
Although it hurts, you have to try to move forward. Does he know how much he hurt you? He has those moments, but he blocks it out because it affects the vulnerable side of him.
Cheryl, I went through this with my ex-wife. I began to heal when I started researching why I had attracted her. (What did she want?) What I thought she wanted was a far cry from what she was really after.
That's so good to hear, Cheryl. Keep taking care of yourself, you are doing great. :2thumbs: :2thumbs:
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