My ongoing therapy dilemma

[gooblax]

There don't seem to be any meeting rooms in the area that could be hired for an hour - the one possibility is closed from COVID, the rest are in the city which would likely make it difficult for him to get to/from between other clients.

While there are quite a few walking trails, I don't think a walking trail would be great at noon in summer here.

I dunno, just seems like it's screwed no matter what.

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't think a walking trail would be great at noon in summer here.

And if you lived in Canada, it would be too cold

BTW, regarding walking therapy, in a perfect world, I would have an easy-going personal trainer with a PhD in clinical psychology who gives out brownies and pizza slices as rewards for progress in therapy

 

[gooblax]

I thought I'd found a community centre meeting room that could be hired for $25 (a far better deal than most of the corporate ones are charging - $75 per hour per person!!!). But when you attempt to make a booking inquiry it suggests that it's closed for COVID.
So I'm stuck with my crap weird locations, which are going to weird him out to the point where he decides to cancel.

 

[gooblax]

This is ridiculous and I should just cancel it before he does but I want to see him, even though I know I shouldn't want to. Wtf is wrong with me? Having a session with him in person I'm just going to become anxious and weird anyway so what is the point?

 

[Daniel E.]

Wtf is wrong with me?

Nothing.

Having a session with him in person I'm just going to become anxious and weird anyway so what is the point?

Exposure therapy?

 

[gooblax]

New plan. Find out if he's ok with having the session in a park, and bring some folding chairs in case there's nothing under the shade.

• Problem 1 - I don't know many parks well enough to know if there's shade at midday.
• Problem 2 - I don't know whether my parents replaced their ancient heavy wooden folding chairs with something a bit more portable. I can't ask them because they'll want to know what for, and I do not have the energy to fabricate a whole story to make a believable lie.

My preferred park does have shade at midday but it's on a slope, right by the basketball court so probably would be noisy with people playing and you can't really do folding chairs on a slope.
There's another park that's a possibility, although it's down a big hill and further away. That will be a bit of a problem if I have to carry heavy chairs, although not insurmountable. Exposure therapy being a giant weirdo pedestrian carrying folding chairs on the footpath of a major 6 lane road but hey, at least it's not a pizza box. The exhausting part will be coming back up but at least the session would be done in a fairly non-awkward way. This park I know has plenty of scattered large trees so it shouldn't be hard to find some shade. Will likely have to put up with flies though, based on my previous experiences there.

For once my psych's snail-paced replying is an advantage because I can propose the park + folding chair idea before he has a chance to tell me in different words that my other ideas sucked. He might know of other parks, and he might have folding chairs.
Of course had he replied, I might not still be overthinking this part of the equation. But where's the fun in that?

 

[Daniel E.]

Will likely have to put up with flies though, based on my previous experiences there.

The away-from-the-beach Florida inland experience! Humidity + flies + no breeze

I do wonder why more schools don't have classes outside (as opposed to inside where there is a greater risk of COVID-19 spread).

 

[gooblax]

I'm concerned that a 2nd email will be annoying. I don't know how to propose the idea in as few words as possible. Still concerned that he's just going to call it off. Wasted a couple more hours trying to draft something, looking at parks on google street view, and making myself upset thinking about him wanting to swap it back to video, me cancelling it entirely, then not booking any further appointments because I'm a stupid useless needy pathetic loser that deserves a bullet through the face.

My delightful neighbour has discovered that her apartment has a non-compliance at the internal switchboard, and now all apartments have to check if they have the same problem and get an electrician to rectify it. Seems to me that I do have that problem. My flight is next weekend and next week at work is going to be fairly messy so I don't know how I'm supposed to fit in sorting this out before I go. My switchboard doesn't have any spare slots thanks to a large safety switch so I don't think it'll be a quick easy cheap job. And my apartment's a giant mess which I'd have to clean up before I could get an electrician in. I don't know whether I should rush to try and sort it out before I leave, or ask if it can wait until I'm back. The issue - not being able to switch off all power from inside the unit in event of a fire - isn't applicable while no one's here.

:facepalm:

 

[Daniel E.]

I'm concerned that a 2nd email will be annoying.

Just pretend you are American, so you won't care

I don't know how to propose the idea in as few words as possible.

It doesn't have to be perfectly succinct. Or succinct at all. That may be another "should."

A number of things/events in life feel awkward or "just not right" to me still, but it used to be a lot more. And, of course, as you get older, you will care less and less. The semi-cranky old lady I help out certainly doesn't care what anyone thinks

 

[gooblax]

It doesn't have to be perfectly succinct. Or succinct at all. That may be another "should."

The more words there are, the more annoying the email, the more annoying the person, the more likely the "stuff this" response. So I think it does need to be somewhat succinct rather than a rambling stream of consciousness.

A number of things/events in life feel awkward or "just not right" to me still, but it used to be a lot more. And, of course, as you get older, you will care less and less. The semi-cranky old lady I help out certainly doesn't care what anyone thinks

I do notice myself caring less about some things than I used to, but I'm not sure whether that's a good thing overall.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I agree with Daniel. Since you haven't yet had a definitive answer, a second email is perfectly fine. And don't worry about how many words it takes: just say what needs to be said and send it.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The more words there are, the more annoying the email, the more annoying the person, the more likely the "stuff this" response. So I think it does need to be somewhat succinct rather than a rambling stream of consciousness.

You shouldn't be worrying about him. You are the client. If he finds you or your communications annoying (and I don't think that's true), he should be referring you to someone else and not taking your money. That's his job.

I do notice myself caring less about some things than I used to, but I'm not sure whether that's a good thing overall.

Me too and it's definitely a good thing. We all spend way too much time out of our lives worrying about what other people think and worrying about people who don't deserve that amount of energy.

 

[Daniel E.]

rather than a rambling stream of consciousness.

That's actually my favorite kind of consciousness

 

[gooblax]

I guess you're both right. It's just so hard with my psychologist because I'm not used to being this emotionally reactive about people. Anyone else and I wouldn't really care so much e.g. I'm thinking of avoiding my highschool friend again this year.
I just need to believe that my psych generally likes me or it opens up some kind of pit of doom, filled with snakes at the bottom and magpies at the top.

 

[gooblax]

Haven't sent the 2nd message yet. I should, because although the email will be annoying, at won't be as messed up and wrong as the first locations.
Having a recurrence of the "positive feeling about psych make me repulsive" thoughts.

 

[Daniel E.]

"positive feeling about psych make me repulsive" thoughts.

Of course, they are just thoughts. Thought-action fusion is one of the quirks of the anxious mind that can give undue weight to thoughts. Personally, I consider TAF to be like a negative version of wishful thinking. Often with wishful thinking, people feel like they are closer to a goal than they really are. But with thought-action fusion, the thoughts seem to be a sign you are closer to something dreaded coming true.

Some TAF beliefs are like: "If I have thoughts of _____ (e.g. my therapist rejecting me in some way), that means I need to be more careful since there is an increased risk of it happening."

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yes. You should send it.

No. You're not repulsive for having positive feelings. About anybody.

Racism. Misogyny. White supremacy. Anti-disability. Anti-LGBTQ. Anti-refugee and anti-immigration. Anti-religious hate crimes. Ant-antisemitism. These are all repulsive.

Having positive feelings for another person is never repulsive. Even if the feelings are not shared or returned. Never repulsive.

 

[gooblax]

Of course, they are just thoughts. Thought-action fusion is one of the quirks of the anxious mind that can give undue weight to thoughts. Personally, I consider TAF to be like a negative version of wishful thinking. Often with wishful thinking, people feel like they are closer to a goal than they really are. But with thought-action fusion, the thoughts seem to be a sign you are closer to something dreaded coming true.

Some TAF beliefs are like: "If I have thoughts of _____ (e.g. my therapist rejecting me in some way), that means I need to be more careful since there is an increased risk of it happening."

I guess that makes sense. Though it's not so much that I believe having the thought makes it more likely. It's that doing whatever thing that I did (or am about to do) that generated the thought is what makes it more likely. Same-same maybe, but not always.

Yes. You should send it.

No. You're not repulsive for having positive feelings. About anybody.

Racism. Misogyny. White supremacy. Anti-disability. Anti-LGBTQ. Anti-refugee and anti-immigration. Anti-religious hate crimes. Ant-antisemitism. These are all repulsive.

Having positive feelings for another person is never repulsive. Even if the feelings are not shared or returned. Never repulsive.

I sent it first thing this morning before I could rethink it. Then checked the weather forecast for next week, which is predicting rain in the days leading up to the appointment. So who knows. But it's up to him to respond with ideas now, or not (aka my least favourite state of waiting for him to reply, but I'm not very bothered by waiting in this instance even if it's a bit like schrodinger's session - both happening and cancelled). I didn't mention any of my "maybe cancel before he cancels" thoughts to avoid overcomplicating the email or putting the idea out there.

The positive feelings don't feel good or safe though. It's hard to imagine that he'd be ok with them even if they're not doing him any harm.

 

[Daniel E.]

I guess that makes sense. Though it's not so much that I believe having the thought makes it more likely. It's that doing whatever thing that I did (or am about to do) that generated the thought is what makes it more likely. Same-same maybe, but not always.

Another way to address some issues is to focus on resilience and other ingredients of a growth mindset. In other words, outgrowing problems.

So you will still be self-conscious in the future maybe but you won't let it control your behavior as much because you have more coping skills or habituation/experience. And then sooner or later you will become less self-conscious as well since your behavior has changed your mindset.

Like the Einstein quote: "You can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it."

 

[gooblax]

Now my mum has created a complicating factor - "I might have to take some time off work that first week you're here." i.e. to spend time with me.
So now I'll have to pretty quickly tell her that I have something on that day, and come up with a believable lie for it... unless she doesn't take that day, but I probably won't know until the day. If necessary it'll also make it difficult to search for foldup chairs (to identify what ones they have) and to go buy some (if I can't find any or if they only have the heavy ones and the location is difficult to carry them to).
As if this needed to be any more difficult.

Of course I already have a bit of a lie prepared. But I don't think it's a good one. It's not robust enough and it opens up way more questions.
:facepalm: