My ongoing therapy dilemma

[Daniel E.]

 

[gooblax]

I wish I had a handy drawer like that.

My best idea so far is to say that I'm catching up with someone from high school that I wasn't very good friends with. Then my mum will be slightly less interested in asking me what they're doing now etc. although I'd still need to research that beforehand. The main thing would be to decide under what circumstances that person and I would reasonably choose to meet up and how we'd get to that idea in the first place (given how my social life is non existent, how did they come to know that I'd be in Sydney, who contacted who, why did we decide to meet up, why are they also free at that time etc.). I might have to look into whether anyone works in the area to make that a reasonable reason.

I considered saying it was someone I was better friends with but then there'd be more questions about what they're doing now.

I also briefly considered a version of the truth but that would go wrong so quickly with all the question branches that would open up.

 

[GaryQ]

Just thinking I'd throw a stick in your bicycle wheel.....

How about standing up for yourself. You're not 14 years old. Refusing to give an answer or simply Telling the truth has many positives:
1 - No stressing about what to invent
2 - No getting caught up in or forgetting your invented excuse
3 - Self affirmation
4. +++++++ I'm sure there's many more but this is enough to express my point of vue.

of course it's easy for me I'm not the one dealing with your mum.

 

[Daniel E.]

Even when my mother was in her 50s, she would find excuses to take a break from her parents when visiting them. They would trigger her throughout the day since it was like she was a kid again in a dysfunctional home. Her usual excuse was shopping, which was an enjoyable break for her.

 

[GaryQ]

Although many may "pretend" to come from, or have one:
there ain't no such thing as a non-dysfunctional home. some are just better at hiding it and sweeping things under the carpet.

 

[gooblax]

I can't give no answer. She'll just ask me over and over and over and pester and pester for information until I end up saying something just to get her off my case, and she'll get sulky and make a big deal of it. And that's assuming I don't lose my temper first. Then regardless I'll feel bad and get myself into thoughts about being a bad daughter, self harm thoughts etc. Been there done that, 1 star review.

And telling the truth... She'll want to know more and more. Why did I get back in touch with this therapist? What am I getting help for? Why didn't I tell her before? Why can't I talk to her about things instead? How long has it been happening? But didn't you say that psych was XYZ when you used to see him? Am I doing XYZ again? Cue further privacy invading, getting in my face when I don't want to answer things... and then leading back to above paragraph for 'no answer'. Negative 5 star review.

Everything will be so much more peaceful and relaxed if I have a plausible lie.

 

[GaryQ]

I did start with "[FONT=&quot]Just thinking I'd throw a stick in your bicycle wheel....."

[/FONT]and end with the caveat emptor "[FONT=&quot]of course it's easy for me I'm not the one dealing with your mum. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"

I'm more interested in how this latest episode of "The adventures of gooblax" "Gooblax lies to mum" goes [/FONT]

I do hope it's funny only. would not want you having to go through a hard time. There's enough already. I may be silly but that's as far as it goes.

 

[gooblax]

Yeah I get it. I did consider "hey maybe I should just tell the truth and it might go fine" but a brief moment of thinking about it reminded me otherwise.

Last year's therapy session lie went surprisingly smoothly with minimal details needed. Hopefully this one is similar, but it just has other complicating factors.

 

[gooblax]

It's not really ok that he hasn't got back to me about locations. I'm doing a lot better with it than usual but I definitely know now to not agree to any more emails after this.

I really don't like my options if I have to tell my mum anything about not being available over that time period. My lie plan seems especially bad when I don't even know a location. Whereas anything resembling the truth just screams "NO" in my head. But I also can't give her any information that reveals that she doesn't have all the information. I can't deal with that.

Maybe I'll have to cancel just because I don't have a plan and it's impossible to form one.

A tidier plan would have been to tell my parents I was coming down next weekend rather than this one, and really just fly on the day before or day of the session and stay in a hotel for a couple of days, then see my parents after that. It would be an insane plan, but at least it would've been manageable.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's not really ok that he hasn't got back to me about locations. I'm doing a lot better with it than usual but I definitely know now to not agree to any more emails after this.

I agree. It's not okay at all.

I really don't like my options if I have to tell my mum anything about not being available over that time period. My lie plan seems especially bad when I don't even know a location. Whereas anything resembling the truth just screams "NO" in my head. But I also can't give her any information that reveals that she doesn't have all the information. I can't deal with that.

Maybe I'll have to cancel just because I don't have a plan and it's impossible to form one.

Of course, it would help if he wasn't so damned obtuse, inconsiderate, and disrespectful about emails. It's not like you're sending him spam.

A tidier plan would have been to tell my parents I was coming down next weekend rather than this one, and really just fly on the day before or day of the session and stay in a hotel for a couple of days, then see my parents after that. It would be an insane plan, but at least it would've been manageable.

Any chance you could still do that? Something came up at work so I need to reschedule kind of thing?

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't see how a therapist can do online/video therapy without replying to e-mails. How does he stay in business?

Surely, you can't be the only one dealing with this BS.

What, if any, forms of communication are available besides e-mail? Receptionist, texting or calling him directly?

Part of the reason I went back to my old psychologist is her average response time to e-mails is less than three hours, including weekends, and often is one hour (during the 5 minutes between her sessions). She spoiled me because most therapists are more like 24 hours during the week.

 

[gooblax]

I agree. It's not okay at all.
Of course, it would help if he wasn't so damned obtuse, inconsiderate, and disrespectful about emails. It's not like you're sending him spam.

I have to believe that he somehow doesn't see it that way. It's just difficult on the (non)receiving end.

Any chance you could still do that? Something came up at work so I need to reschedule kind of thing?

In theory but not in practice. I'm not going to do that to them when they've been looking forward to seeing me. I'd definitely feel bad about that sort of lie. Plus I'm sure they've told other relatives and neighbours about when I'm visiting so I'd have to perpetuate that lie in conversation with anyone it came up with. And I'd have to research what hotels are the 'hotel quarantine' hotels where they're putting returning travelers who are the main source of covid outbreaks (although I'd hope that the hotels wouldn't let people book into them in that case, but who knows).

 

[gooblax]

I don't see how a therapist can do online/video therapy without replying to e-mails. How does he stay in business?

Surely, you can't be the only one dealing with this BS.

What, if any, forms of communication are available besides e-mail? Receptionist, texting or calling him directly?

I'm actually not sure at the moment. He hasn't even had a website since his joint practice closed near the start of the year due to covid. Maybe it's just referrals and existing clients.
As of last session he still didn't have a new receptionist so I'm not sure where his main phone number goes. So that leaves texting or calling the mobile number.

Part of the reason I went back to my old psychologist is her average response time to e-mails is less than three hours, including weekends, and often is one hour (during the 5 minutes between her sessions). She spoiled me because most therapists are more like 24 hours during the week.

That's impressive.

 

[gooblax]

I'm supposed to go out with colleagues tonight but I feel too upset.
I had to stay back later trying to finish something for work before I go away. Got it done (enough) but it cut into the time I had been hoping to use to have a shower, wash my laundry and hang it up.

Then I had to ride home a scary way because the closed road from this morning was still closed.

Psych still hasn't picked a location.

I'm now 30mins late if I was going to go to the work dinner thing, and haven't had a shower after my bike ride.
I didn't want to stay late cause of all the things I need to organise before going interstate. Plus with the buses it's always kind of tricky.

I feel crap about not going cause I'd said that I would. Not like anyone would notice if there was a cardboard cutout of me there, but to not go at all is obvious.

Got a text message from mum about playing piano for the stupid street Xmas party. Dunno wtf I'm going to tell her about Thursday with the session if I need to tell her anything.

I don't have any veges for making dinner, cause I was going to have it with my colleagues. It's about an hour if I want to go get veges since I don't want to face any delivery anxiety.

I just just feel stressed and like a ****ing mess.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It’s all just details that ultimately won’t matter in 24-48 hours, gooblax.

We all have days like that where despite our best efforts things just don’t go according to plan. The real stress comes from our efforts to force the world, circumstances, and ourselves back on course with the plan when in fact it’s just never going to happen that way.

If there’s a Plan B or Plan C, now is the time to think about whether those are feasible and not too stressful.

Otherwise, the best thing to do is fall back on Plan Z: stay home, relax, distress, and make do. Tomorrow you will be glad you did.

And one night without vegetables is okay. I ended up with some pickled beets as my vegetable tonight for a similar reason. That and the chicken were a fine supper.

 

[gooblax]

This is day 3 without vegetables, unless you count the equivalent of about 1/3 of a lettuce leaf, a bit of corriander and a chili that I had yesterday. Pretty sure chili is a fruit though.
I've given up on going out after wasting another 15mins curled up on the floor. Given that it's an hour each way to the dinner thing, all I'd be thinking about while there is how soon I could leave.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Chili can definitely be a fruit. Especially if there's no other fruit in the house.

 

[gooblax]

I just wish my psych would reply about locations. Even if he hasn't picked a good location. Even just to tell me that based on the weather forecast we should pick something indoors. Even just to say "you know what, I think we have to do this over video after all" although on the inside I know I'll have an illogical flip out if he does say that, so I hope he doesn't.

I guess it can't be easy for him to think of a location, given how much difficulty I had. I assume he'll be the one to ultimately choose it as long as it's one I agree with. So I'm telling myself that it's the extra responsibility that's causing him to take so long in deciding and replying.

I use a separate email account for his stuff (plan being that if it all went to **** I could delete the account), so anytime I get a new email on that account I expect it to be him... rather than being an info email from Google.

 

[Daniel E.]

I guess it can't be easy for him to think of a location, given how much difficulty I had.

Thoughts that come to mind:

1. As one psychologist told me, sometimes you can't explain irrational behavior

2. People often do whatever is easier/convenient if there are no major or immediate consequences for their behavior, e.g. going to McDonald's instead of cooking a healthy meal from scratch.

3. How well does he reply to texts or voice mail? Because waiting for an e-mail from him is like waiting for Godot.

4. In feminist fiction, men are often inattentive (in other words: ***holes), causing women to ruminate (and/or complain) about their resulting predicament. The same is true in real life, e.g:

“Research about marital relationships in general reveals that husbands are likely to receive more support from their spouse and thus fair far better, while women tend to receive less support and experience greater stress from giving support. These are among the conditions that contribute to the higher rates of depression in women.”

― Carol A Lambert, Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner

In other words, in general, women provide more emotional labor (both at home and professionally), which causes them to be more stressed and less nurtured than the men in their lives.

 

[gooblax]

I wish there was an off switch that I could flick so that I'd be able to feel the same way about interactions with him as I do with most other people I know, especially in a professional context. I have no particular interest in hearing from them. It would be nice to have this be the same. Maybe this is pointing to some disgusting sort of "wound that I need to heal" or some bs that only gets activated in this sort of dynamic, but it's gross and pathetic.