But you didn't call or text him this time, so how do you know he would not respond to that?
In other words, that seems like another "yeah, but..." rationalization:
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- Thread starter gooblax
- Start date
But you didn't call or text him this time, so how do you know he would not respond to that?
In other words, that seems like another "yeah, but..." rationalization:
Imagine? :smack:
Ever stopped to realize that if you were not likeable and worthwhile I and others would not bother supporting and encouraging you and even responding.
Maybe you need a real world cure: switch from tea to coffee for a bit or just brew the damn stuff so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
How about realizing what and why it is and learning to accept it?
I know you have emotional and social challenges but I also know that you are not intellectually challenged may even be a lot smarter than me.
Are you a AI algorithm? A robot? Or a human being? Rhetorical questions. You're too smart to be an AI bot and to emotional to be a robot.
So, you're very intelligent, human and on top of it you live in a country where most creatures are looking to have you for lunch. Without strong emotional feelings and communal bonding we would be extinct like the dinosaurs. NEEDINESS as you call it is not a weakness as you perceive it to be. It's a basic fact of what we are all and also what makes us strong; we are always, even when we feel or think the opposite: "vulnerable" I still have trouble accepting that fact but it's a reality.
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Here's a little story to illustrate how I see it (does not mean I find accepting being in a needy vulnerable situation easy)
A strong young lad left his home and loved ones and became a soldier in WW2 because someone was in need. He was one of the lucky/unlucky ones; he was wounded in combat and the amputated both his legs but survived. He felt worthless and weak and needy and so an emotional wreck even more that a physical one.
A young nurse full of compassion volunteered to go as a front line worker and went beyond duty to not only take care of his physical recovery but to help heal his emotional distress and pain.
On day this nurse was now old and sick herself and needing help for her basic needs like having a bath and feeling useless and needy no longer the one helping those in need...
and a young physically and emotionally strong health care worker went out of her way to...
The circle of life exists only because of our physical and emotional vulnerabilities and the bonding it creates which you call "neediness". Some it's friendships that last a lifetime. Some produces the next generation to continue the human race.
Signed by someone that finds you likeable and worthwhile.
Sounds OCDish to me. In any case, the way you cope with it is what may make all the difference. Short-term coping methods tend to keep distress going.
ROCD is usually about romantic relationships, but I have had elements of it with other relationships (not unlike social anxiety):
Annabella Hagen - Relationship OCD and the Doors of Uncertainty
Remember that the thoughts are not the problem. What you do once they show up is what matters.
Keep in mind that pushing them away and reacting with catastrophic thinking activates the fight-or- flight response.
When you notice thoughts that aren’t helpful, it’s best to learn to gently shift your focus to the present moment.
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Remember that the thoughts are not the problem. What you do once they show up is what matters.
Keep in mind that pushing them away and reacting with catastrophic thinking activates the fight-or- flight response.
When you notice thoughts that aren’t helpful, it’s best to learn to gently shift your focus to the present moment.
Sent from my LM-Q720 using Tapatalk
gooblax
MVP
Thanks @GaryQ. The counsellor said something similar (about what I'm calling 'neediness' being only as disgusting as needing oxygen. But it sits very uncomfortably with me, almost too the point of being intolerable.
I'll have to put in a lot of milo in the coffee.
I'll have to put in a lot of milo in the coffee.
gooblax
MVP
Thanks @Daniel. I don't really relate to the ROCD description but the way to deal with the thoughts might help.
gooblax
MVP
He replied last night. Said that he was OK with the first cafe location, plus he'll bring some folding chairs as a backup. I went and checked the location in person today to check that they're trading and open for seated customers, then confirmed with him.
I've had to tell mum something about the day off the session because when I asked what day she was planning on taking off, she picked that day. I decided to just let her know I was doing "secret gooblax business" ie. something that I'm not going to tell her about. She's asked a few times, made a few guesses, but nothing too annoying yet.
I've had to tell mum something about the day off the session because when I asked what day she was planning on taking off, she picked that day. I decided to just let her know I was doing "secret gooblax business" ie. something that I'm not going to tell her about. She's asked a few times, made a few guesses, but nothing too annoying yet.
gooblax
MVP
Today's session went pretty well, considering. I went in the cafe before I'd seen him anywhere and bought a juice to go sit outside, and he arrived just as I was heading outside so he got a juice too then joined me at the table I'd picked.
Had to do a bit of small talk to ease into it because I was still pretty nervous, but it was ok once we got going. Not too many people around that we couldn't say things.
I'm a bit sad now that I realise I won't see him for 7 weeks though. He's given me some ideas for dealing with problems I'm having while I'm here on holiday. They should help a bit. But they're not going to help with me missing him.
Had to do a bit of small talk to ease into it because I was still pretty nervous, but it was ok once we got going. Not too many people around that we couldn't say things.
I'm a bit sad now that I realise I won't see him for 7 weeks though. He's given me some ideas for dealing with problems I'm having while I'm here on holiday. They should help a bit. But they're not going to help with me missing him.
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gooblax
MVP
Is there a way to just switch off this emotional over investment?
The counsellor that I've stopped seeing suggested that there's a way, like military training does.
The counsellor that I've stopped seeing suggested that there's a way, like military training does.
I think it would be much easier to switch to something/someone else. Like how some people chew gum as a substitute for smoking.
Since it has been so hard for my husband to decrease his marijuana use over the years, I figured he needed another source of novelty/dopamine. So I agreed to getting a big dog (a 65-pound boxer mix) to help keep his mind off the dope. And it has worked, so far. He also gets more exercise now, which also helps.
Another example: I was becoming part of a (relatively harmless) cult/religious group before I dated my husband. So it was much easier to leave the group once I started dating him, which saved me money since you were supposed to donate to the sect regularly.
Another, compatible approach is good-old fear or insight. Avoidance of something negative/unhelpful is easier if one begins to develop fear (of what one was attached to before) or becomes more mindful of one's actions (e.g. pros vs. cons, long-term vs. short-term). Some people quit smoking because they fear going broke (in addition to the unwanted health effects). But some people are "scared straight" when they get a cancer diagnosis or bad test results. (I have been trying to lose weight for years, but when I got bad lab results, I was losing weight without even trying because my anxiety/OCD got activated.)
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gooblax
MVP
It makes sense but I don't know if anything healthy I could switch to.
Firstly it's either ok to have these feelings and be kind to myself about them, or it's not ok and I deserve to be punished. So remove the feelings and remove the problem.
Secondly I'm supposed to be trying to find something that I'm motivated and excited to do, but everything is too much work to overcome the anxiety of doing it and seems like too much effort to be worth doing. So same deal with any replacement switch things.
I just want to stop existing at the moment. I'm too screwed up to be any use for anything.
Firstly it's either ok to have these feelings and be kind to myself about them, or it's not ok and I deserve to be punished. So remove the feelings and remove the problem.
Secondly I'm supposed to be trying to find something that I'm motivated and excited to do, but everything is too much work to overcome the anxiety of doing it and seems like too much effort to be worth doing. So same deal with any replacement switch things.
I just want to stop existing at the moment. I'm too screwed up to be any use for anything.
along those lines: "Life is not a problem to be solved." (Kierkegaard)
one of my favorite zen-like, cognitive defusion sayings:
"You don't have any problems, you only think you do." ~ Wayne Dyer
(I like that saying because I was raised to believe there was one objective/religious truth, which contributed to overgeneralized, black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking.)
When I am depressed, I do relate a lot to the "reward" not seeming as good enough for the effort/work involved. But, even when depressed, getting started on some things eventually provides enough intrinsic motivation for me.
Since you do -- and have done -- things already, the cookie-cutter, solution-focused saying that comes to mind is to do more of what you are already doing. So if you like to read novels, read more or join an online bookclub. If you like to cook, cook more and/or go to online cooking forums/groups/classes. If you like to ride a mountain bike in the woods but you haven't done that in years, do that more often.
What is your biggest stressor now?
If it is being with your family members, my favorite commercial of all time (for State Farm insurance) says "We treat you better than family"
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gooblax
MVP
Definitely not one that helps for me. Coincides too neatly with minimising or beating myself up for having fake problems about things that shouldn't bother me.
I dunno. My very presence is annoying to me right now. Family isn't helping of course.What is your biggest stressor now?
If it is being with your family members, my favorite commercial of all time (for State Farm insurance) says "We treat you better than family"
Not having gone out and done any exercise is also contributing to self hatred. Yesterday my dad and I tried to sort out a bike for me to ride. Dad had spent time fiddling with the brake pads on one bike but they were contacting the rim and stopping the wheel - I fiddled with them some more and realised that he'd put one on upside down which certainly wasn't helpful. But even after that there was a repeated clicking noise when braking which is very disconcerting. He said I could borrow his trail bike instead. But both bikes felt really weird to ride. I don't know what's so weird about them but they're strange and offputting. Then there's the hills which aren't good for my knee. And the weather since it's been drizzling rain pretty much 80% of the time all week. We were testing the brakes while it was drizzling. And the biggest problem is that I don't want to deal with any sort of cars anywhere.
Mum's been making comments about my weight which I knew she would. Only one of them a few days ago really got to me but in general it's not helpful. At the moment I'm hiding some food in the bedroom because I don't want comments about it.
I'm scanning old assignments etc. ready to throw out the paper copies, and mum keeps going through my discarded pile reading stuff. Old teacher comments etc. which are fine for me to read but I'm not keen on her reading them even if they're generally positive because I used to do fairly well in school. But looking at the old documents is also contributing to thoughts about how I'm worse at everything now than I used to be back then, and if I used to think I'd never amount to anything and should kill myself then I was right.
Yeah, but...The quote does validate that there is in fact a problem: human cognition (or taking one's thinking too seriously) is inherently illusionary/problematic/limited/inflexible/superficial. Hence the motivation for cognitive defusion as a way to increase cognitive flexibility, therefore limiting the dark side of cognition such as cognitive errors.
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Does your mother say anything positive about you?
My mother was a dietician, so she would not judge people, including myself, for weight gain since that is mostly how she made money and she had her own struggles with weight. She would joke she become a dietician so she could find the loopholes
But my dad was a different story. Once I hit 18, the only semi-positive comment I remember him ever saying was that he was surprised I lived to 30 with my history of depression. He is still "gifted" at creating backhanded compliments, such as saying not many vegetarians can manage to gain weight like I have. Why he is like this -- I don't know except it is compatible with the self-righteous approach of many evangelical people (the so-called religious right that think gay people should burn in hell). It is also a way of staying emotionally distant.
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When you think that way, I would reward yourself somehow for keeping that insight in mind as long as you can.
With anxiety and depression, etc., insight is variable over time -- just like mood.
gooblax
MVP
Yeah she'll say positive things about my good marks on the papers being thrown out, intelligence, piano/guitar playing. Typically followed up with the implication that if I tried more I could've made money from things (like the novels I should've written and sold because I used to write well, the songs I should've written, etc.) though, which is an interesting way to "good but not good enough."
She used to be a dancer before having children, so I suspect dancing culture is where her attitude towards appearance and weight comes from. At least my brother fits that ideal with his extremely regulated diet, strict gym regimine and the physical appearance payoffs.
The stuff with your dad sounds really difficult. Sorry that you've had to deal with that.
She used to be a dancer before having children, so I suspect dancing culture is where her attitude towards appearance and weight comes from. At least my brother fits that ideal with his extremely regulated diet, strict gym regimine and the physical appearance payoffs.
The stuff with your dad sounds really difficult. Sorry that you've had to deal with that.
gooblax
MVP
Tonight I'm having a lot of trouble with not agreeing with the "weak coward" thoughts. I don't know how to do things and not be like that.
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