My ongoing therapy dilemma

[David Baxter PhD]

Whether it’s gross or pathetic or not (I don’t think it is) is irrelevant.

What is relevant is that he is aware of the effect of his silence on you.

It’s hard not to conclude that he just doesn’t care that it stresses you this much. The utter lack of empathy and respect for your feelings is what concerns me the most.

To be blunt, that is NOT the mark of a good therapist. Not even close.

 

[Daniel E.]

"The relationships we want to spend our lives in should be a refuge...If they are just a source of more humiliation, they're not healthy places to stay in."

― Mira Kirshenbaum

 

[gooblax]

It probably just doesn't occur to him that I'd have such strong emotional reactions about it. After all, I know they're not normal.

A couple of sessions ago he said that when he saw how upset I was (I assume during the session after his major not replying issue), he felt bad and it made him want to not do it again. I believe that he probably did feel a bit bad about it. After all he did end up seeing me punch myself in the head at one point (even though I'd planned that if it got to that stage I'd excuse myself before doing that in front of him, it just came up too suddenly).
But not for one minute did I think he'd change his behaviour around replying. There's been too many repeat occurrences for that. It's just something to accept if I want to keep seeing him. Which means neutrality, no feelings for it against it, no attributions of motivation or reason, just the way it is.

 

[Daniel E.]

Why don't you call or text him? Is it because you don't want to "bother" him?

As I mentioned before, in the old days when I first started therapy as a teen, many/most psychologists had an answering service. And the psychologist would call you back sooner than later for emergencies, such as to provide alternatives to hospitalization for feeling impulsive.

So to send a text about logistics -- so that he can make money by having an appointment to go to -- seems like nothing at all to me, except as a favor to him. Same with a phone call.

 

[gooblax]

It's not bad enough that I'd need to text or call about it. Not just for this.
He'll have to get back to me by Thursday which isn't that far away. It's inconvenient but I'll handle it, however it needs to be handled.

 

[Daniel E.]

But if he doesn't even bother to acknowledge he received your e-mail, why do you care so much about what is best for him? I would argue it is best for him anyway to get back to his clients within 24 hours, if he wants to have clients.

 

[gooblax]

If I'm annoying then he'll decide he doesn't want me as a client anymore.
Plus he's important to me so it matters to me how he's feeling and I don't want to make things difficult for him.

 

[Daniel E.]

and I don't want to make things difficult for him.

At your expense? He has made your life difficult, as evidenced by this thread.

If he doesn't want you as a client for being your true self and expressing your own preferences, then what is the point of having him as a therapist?


"Never let someone who contributes so little to a relationship control so much of it."

― Unknown

"You've given away control of your own life, bit by bit, bit by bit. It's incremental, until one day, you have hidden so much of yourself you get lost."

― Rose McGowan, Brave

 

[gooblax]

At your expense? He has made your life difficult, as evidenced by this thread.

Yeah but not intentionally. A big portion of it is that I'm just unintentionally approaching things wrongly somehow.
I kind of relate to some of the 'attachment trauma' stuff where they say the therapeutic relationship is going to cause a level of angst no matter what, just because of the nature of the problem. That part makes sense to me, even if the cause doesn't really.

 

[Daniel E.]

My ongoing therapy dilemma - Page 30

"Real obstacles don't take you in circles. They can be overcome. Invented ones are like a maze." ~ Barbara Sher

“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” ~ Deepak Chopra

 

[Daniel E.]

If I'm annoying then he'll decide he doesn't want me as a client anymore.

What is Client-Centered Therapy?

Client-centered counseling hinges on the development of a counselor-client relationship based on unconditional regard...

 

[Daniel E.]

I kind of relate to some of the 'attachment trauma' stuff where they say the therapeutic relationship is going to cause a level of angst no matter what, just because of the nature of the problem. That part makes sense to me, even if the cause doesn't really.

I think you cope with his issues too well. The dark side of stoicism/coping is that it may cause one to stay in an environment that requires ongoing frustration tolerance. The alternative to passive coping is the "therapy of desire," e.g. living in accordance with one's instincts/values/preferences (rather than simply according to what one "should" do).

 

[Daniel E.]

To be clear, I'm not saying you should leave your therapist -- since that would be another "should" and you seem to value your time with him. But rather that you may be happier in the long run if you become more assertive in communicating with your therapist between sessions at least for logistical issues, such as using text or phone rather than e-mail or nothing at all.

 

[GaryQ]

if you become more assertive in communicating with your therapist between sessions at least for logistical issues, such as using text or phone rather than e-mail or nothing at all.

I've read this conversation and you have raised many valid points @Daniel. I'm no expert but it isn't very hard to see that for @gooblax being assertive is something she struggles with immensely. so although in normal circumstances the suggestion would be valid, in her case, that in itself is a work in progress, hence making the suggestions valid but potentially futile.

 

[Daniel E.]

I will volunteer as an executive assistant

Otherwise, you take the e-mail. Copy some/all of it. Then paste it as a text message. Or make assertiveness a goal of therapy.

 

[GaryQ]

Hey @gooblax,

As like always, You can respond (or not) to this question any way you want. And the intention is not to be nosey or judgmental. Just trying to understand is all.

Is there an emotional attachment on your behalf that is more than a normal client/therapist attachment? I get this vibe that maybe your feelings for him are deeper or stronger than you outright express.

Hoping you are well.

 

[GaryQ]

I will volunteer as an executive assistant

Otherwise, you take the e-mail. Copy some/all of it. Then paste it as a text message. Or make assertiveness a goal of therapy.

Funny (that first line)

I get the feeling that assertiveness as a primary goal of therapy could probably diminish much of the daily anxiety issues it creates.

 

[Daniel E.]

On that note:

The Three X's of Being Assertive -- Albert Ellis Institute

Social Skills and Assertiveness Deficits -- Albert Ellis Institute

Assertiveness Training may be an effective intervention for individuals who need improvement with social skills. Many individuals have trouble asserting themselves effectively to others. They may rarely speak up to express their needs and viewpoints, or they may express themselves in ways that others perceive as overly confrontational or demanding. Some individuals have little practice stating their perspectives appropriately and may benefit from applying skills training to multiple settings. Others find it relatively easy to assert themselves in certain situations (e.g., with close friends), but have great difficulty in other situations (e.g., with employers). For these individuals, the lack of assertiveness is typically associated with heightened worry about the potential consequences of asserting themselves.

 

[gooblax]

@GaryQ
I'm not sure what would be normal and what would be above normal.
From what I've read about transference it does get pretty intense for some people, so I'd say I'm on the higher end of normal.

I have zero interest in seeing my psych socially - I'd never be friends with him or anything like that. Some people wish that their therapist was their mother/father - I do not wish that of my psych, and the idea is repulsive to me because parents upset their children in ways that therapists should not. I don't want that sort of contamination in my relationship with him.

But I definitely am very emotionally attached to him. I think about him - not as a person but as what's supposed to be a helpful, kind, listening supportive presence - almost all the time whenever my mind has space to wander. I think about times that he's said nice things to me and repeat them to myself trying to take it in, trying to use them as evidence that the emotional part of me is OK and acceptable and is worthy of interest, care and understanding. That if he can like and care about me, not just when I present a socially acceptable joking persona but especially when I show the part of me that's vulnerable, scared or hurt, then maybe it's OK for me to really feel that way without beating myself up for being weak, not having real reasons to feel that way etc. Maybe it's OK for me to show that to him rather than keeping it inside (until I vomit it all over this forum).
It's a double edged sword because I'm sure that's why it hurts so much whenever he does something to interrupt my ability to imagine him caring. Feeling OK enough about my emotional self is on a thin enough rope already that the moment something shakes it I fall right off into self hatred and self flagellation - how dare I even consider that it was ok, what a pathetic fool I am for believing for a moment that my emotional self was worth caring about, how disgusting and weak and repulsive of me to even want that etc. When I have a positive session with him, it's easier to imagine that I am likeable and worthwhile.

Occasionally I do think about him as a person. I hope that he's content, that he gets to spend time with the people he loves, that he's happy and has many moments of smiling and laughter. During sessions it feels good to me when I make him laugh. I can't imagine the moments of pain he experiences through his work, and my pain may not be real or legitimate or big enough or worthwhile but I care about his pain, though I'm not privy to any of it. Because I think of him so often, when I miss him in a therapy-sense I find it helpful to imagine him in a person-sense having a good time and feeling happy. It calms my otherwise intense self-loathing for my neediness, and channels it into a hopeful positive wish. Its slightly more palatable for being less self centred.

Feeling the neediness, the desire to talk to him etc. is really difficult. Like some disgusting intense emotional dependency. It's shameful and ugly and should really have a flamethrower taken to it. I've tried to freeze it off, I've tried to burn it off, but it doesn't go away. I don't know that it can ever go away. The best I can do is try to keep it out of the way as much as possible.

 

[gooblax]

I know I struggle with assertiveness but I don't think between session comms with my psych is anything I have any leeway to be assertive about. Other than reinforcing my boundary that since he won't reply, I won't send anything.