My ongoing therapy dilemma

[Daniel E.]

Tonight I'm having a lot of trouble with not agreeing with the "weak coward" thoughts. I don't know how to do things and not be like that.

OCD's deception is that you have to struggle with and resolve the content of the thought. You have to clarify, rectify, and examine the thoughts to determine whether they are true or false...

Remember, it will always pass.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

When you can't make yourself believe in you and the thoughts seem extra-compelling, go to a third person:

You are not weak. Your personal history clearly demonstrates that.

You are not a coward. Again your personal history clearly demonstrates that.

I base these statements on observations of you over the years and I believe them to be objectively accurate.

 

[Daniel E.]

At the risk of me being too geeky, if you don't have something positive to take up your brain's processing, the default may be an endless loop So it helps to be proactive (focusing on doing positive routines) rather than reactive (trying to do damage control for a part of your brain stuck in error mode).

When I first learned computer programming, we still had GOTO statements. They are similar to step 3 ("refocus") in the 4 steps, which helps not only with OCD but any condition where you need to remind yourself "you are not your brain."

 

[Daniel E.]

From an earlier comment/reply from David:

My ongoing therapy dilemma - Page 38

...OCD, especially the "Pure O" form of OCD...is extremely exhausting, not to mention it increases your anxiety whenever it starts to the point where it's difficult to draw back from the thoughts.

 

[gooblax]

I really don't conceptualise this as OCD-like thoughts. To me it's a natural consequence of allowing myself to be ruled by my other issues e.g. if I would just get up early and go for a jog then I wouldn't be as lazy. If I could figure out something that was fun that I wanted to do, and go out and just do it rather than being too paralysed by the thought of people seeing me trying to do it and sucking at it like an incompetent idiot, then I wouldn't be as much of a weak coward.

I know I'm not going to have anything that I could have a productive conversation about with my psych next session if I don't go do some positive things which just makes it even worse.

 

[Daniel E.]

To me it's a natural consequence of allowing myself to be ruled by my other issues e.g. if I would just get up early and go for a jog then I wouldn't be as lazy.

That seems like saying: "Stop being so lazy. Stop thinking about your made-up problems. And everything will be fine."

For better or worse, you are not lazy at all. Your behavior may be inhibited by some mental condition, but that is not laziness.

For example:

SAGE Journals: Your gateway to world-class journal research

Even when a depressed ruminator generates a worthwhile solution to a problem, rumination may impede him or her from implementing it. In one laboratory study, dysphoric students who ruminated came up with perfectly good solutions to pressing problems (e.g., “study harder” or “spend less money”) but showed a reduced likelihood of actually implementing those plans (Lyubomirsky et al., 1999). In a quasi-experimental study, participants prone to rumination expressed less confidence in a solution they had generated to a complex problem (e.g., how to improve their school's curriculum), asked for more time to work on the solution before they committed to it, and were less confident in their oral presentation of their solutions (Ward, Lyubomirsky, Sousa, & Nolen-Hoeksema, 2003).

 

[gooblax]

That definitely is something I'd say about my made-up problems, yes. I think to be not lazy, I'd have to try harder to overcome the problems. Or at least do a kind of tai chi move on them so I can redirect and work around them - maybe that will be an easier approach.

 

[Daniel E.]

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: easier approach

A common theme with self-help is that any approach is made easier with acceptance, e.g. acceptance as the most powerful agent for change.

Incidentally, with my recent marijuana experience, I learned to be more grateful for my brain's everyday executive functioning. Even when my OCD is worse than usual, I can process information, take initiative, and make decisions way, way better than when I was doped up and it felt almost painful to think.

 

[gooblax]

I start back 'at work' (from my parents' house) tomorrow.
My plan is to channel my bike ride anxiety into walking to a hiking trail tomorrow morning before I start work. There's a mountain bike trail nearby that my psych mentioned when I told him I was too nervous to ride my bike on the roads around here. I've looked into it and the bike trail is too advanced for me given that I have zero mountain biking experience, but I could ride on the hiking trail which leads to that bike trail. But first I want to walk there, to confirm that it'll be ok and check what I'm in for before I consider giving it a shot on the bike.

I think this is an ok compromise for doing a tai chi move on the "too afraid to ride a bike" problem. Not riding yet, but preparing to ride and using the not-riding activity (walking) as a productive thing to address the riding, rather than as evidence of being a cowardly failure who's too pathetic to face the anxiety. Also thinking about it, I might be more comfortable getting to the trail by riding on the main road than taking back roads - although there's more cars, it seems safer to me because it's a pretty straight road where drivers should be paying more attention. I just need to determine which parts of the footpath are "cycling path" and which parts are "footpath where it's illegal for bikes to ride," and I could go a bit further up the main road as a separate trip.

 

[gooblax]

I keep routinely becoming upset about my psych caring less about me than other clients. Even though he's said he didn't mean it like that when he said it (August 2019), it makes sense that he would. But that doesn't make it any easier.

 

[Daniel E.]

A new line from one of my favorite sitcoms (Mom) goes something like this (from what I remember): "The day I start caring about my therapist or hairstylist, is the day I need to move on" [and find someone else]. It's meant to be funny since the person saying it is very rich, stuck-up, etc...and arguably it highlights the increasing/ongoing disparity between the rich and the middle class.

In any case, always feel free in such situations to do what is best for you...whatever that may be...even if it is financially supporting American e-therapists

 

[Daniel E.]

"The things most people need to learn in therapy are related to attachment, abandonment, love, and fear. We are trying to access basic emotional processes that are organized in primitive and early-developing parts of the brain. The language of these emotions is also very basic; it is the language of childhood."

- Louis Cozolino

The last quote reminds me of what my psychologist said today. She was surprised I came back to see her since her specialty now is child and adolescent psychology. I told her I hated the last two therapists, so I didn't want to take another risk And I have learned more in self-help books for children than some self-help books for adults

 

[gooblax]

I think I probably still need to re-discuss the stuff that happened last year with him, but I don't know if I should or even can. When we have positive sessions I can just about convince myself that I'm tolerable as a client and that he doesn't feel completely indifferent (at best) towards me. Bringing any of this stuff back up won't help with that.

 

[Daniel E.]

You have doubts about your therapist. I don't have such doubts with my therapist because my therapist never said anything so stupid

My last two therapists though reminded me of your therapist since they both said very stupid things -- on at least several different topics about me. Partly because they were trying to take a Dr. Phil approach to things (that subsumes a certain predefined set of absolute/religious values). But I left them sooner than later, partly because I was not attached to them (yet) even though they both provided some legitimate insight as well. If they had taken a true, client-centered approach, they would not have been even tempted to make stupid assumptions.

I have only been attached to a few therapists. My first therapist and my current psychologist and her student psychologist. (I saw the "bad" therapists for insurance/financial reasons).

 

[gooblax]

I'm glad that you've been able to return to your current psychologist @Daniel. It seemed that you had a really bad run with saying-stupid-things therapists.

 

[Daniel E.]

She also asked why I had not sought out a specialist for OCD. I told her I did, but they took too long to reply to my e-mails, etc.

 

[gooblax]

Maybe there's an elective 'taking too long to reply to emails' course that some therapists attend.

I'm still upset that my psych didn't really help when I was 19. It's not all his fault of course, but it hurts that he didn't try harder to figure out a way to help.
The real problem behind all of this is that it's not easy for me to believe that my feelings are worth caring about, and every screw-up my psych makes is evidence that I'm wrong to hope for someone to care - in the way that a person can be inherently and fundamentally wrong on the inside as a person.

 

[Daniel E.]

Maybe there's an elective 'taking too long to reply to emails' course that some therapists attend.

Haha. Maybe David will also make an AI email app that sends automated client-centered emails


Personally, even the first year I joined Psychlinks, I thought psychologists were well-meaning people but did not have enough insight themselves to really understand some things enough -- as with death anxiety and other things that people don't generally like to think about. So I really didn't have the insight then to be helped too much since it was such a slow process for me. Like most people, I tend to learn things the hard way.

 

[gooblax]

Yeah it's true that I wasn't really in a position to accept help then. I kept him at arms length - an Inspector Gadget extendable arm. And his super 'hands off' approach seemed to me that that's where he wanted to be. I dunno. Maybe I just need to hear from him that he wanted to help, from what bits he remembered. Or that knowing me now, he'd have liked to help then. Or something.
David (ie. "Dr B"), ITL, LadyLore and the rest of the forum people at the time ended up helping with the brunt of my stuff at the time and I don't think I'd still be alive if it weren't for the help I've received here over the years.