Part of My Story (Long)

[FindingMe]

I was diagnosed with PTSD last year from a history childhood traumas that has carried on into my adult life. Not only am I dealing with recovering from PTSD but I am also getting a divorce. The man who I spent half my life with decided he didn't love me anymore right when I was starting to get help. This isn't as bad as it can be since my husband was an emotionally abusive man due to extreme insecurity and a dysfunctional childhood who kept reinforcing my problems.

He kept reinforcing me with the belief that I am unattractive, worthless, etc., yet he was the one who cheated numerous times in our marriage. From his words during the time we decided to divorce I have been able to finally see his past behaviour in the right light. I have come to realize that he actually doesn't know what love is and that he never really truly loved me. He was gripped with so much fear of trying to live on his own that we stayed married for 15 years with him lying about loving me the whole time. It was only after I paid for his education and he found somewhere to live rent-free that he finally had the courage to move out and tell me that he didn't love me.

During one affair he had told the woman that he felt he had wasted 8 years of his life with me. To another woman he had said that he wanted to leave me a year after getting married but I was very sick at the time and he didn't want to look like a bad guy by leaving me at the time. When i found about the things he had said at the time he always said that he never meant it and that he was just venting to these women. But now I realize that those were probably the most true statements he ever said.

Today was one of the hardest days for me to get through because I realized how much I had been used - financially, emotionally, sexually for all the years that we had been together.

I can understand why he is the way he is because I know his childhood story but how do deal wth the fact that these things do nothing but reinforce the belief that you are unlovable, unattractive, and worthless as a human being? I have an appt. with my therapist this week and we will have another EMDR session but I just hate myself so much right now. I can't stop having negative thoughts about myself running through my head.

I took 2 sleeping pills to try to relax my mind enough to sleep but they didn't work after an hour and now I'm going to take another one. I hate having to do this because I just want the anxiety to stop.

 

[texasgirl]

I am so sorry that you have had to go through so much, FindingMe. Divorce is horribly painful. I am glad that you have a therapist that can help you through this and through your other traumas.

I remember how used I felt when my ex-husband cheated on me, abused me, and at the same time used me to work so that he could finish his education (putting my own on hold of course). All the while continuing to cheat.... It was humiliating and incredibly hurtful.

Taking care of yourself is so important right now. I would suggest that you talk to your doctor about your medication if you continue not to be able to sleep without taking more than the prescribed dosage.

Thinking of you.

Take care,

:support:

TG

 

[white page]

Hi Findingme,

First welcome to this forum. I too am very sorry that things have been so difficult for you .

I find your pseudo very apt in relation to your story , finding yourself is important after breakup with an abusive partner.
What you say about your ex partner is revealing , he realised perhaps that he had lost his power over you , once you decided to get help.

The man who I spent half my life with decided he didn't love me anymore right when I was starting to get help. This isn't as bad as it can be since my husband was an emotionally abusive man due to extreme insecurity and a dysfunctional childhood who kept reinforcing my problems.

The good news is that you are working with a therapist , and that is something to be very proud of . After having experienced an abusive relationship we lose all sense of ourselves .

I just hate myself so much right now. I can't stop having negative thoughts about myself running through my head.

I agree with Texas Girl when she says that one feels humiliated and hurt .

There are some very good articles in the forum about abusive partners , it may help you to read them . An abusive person does everything to diminish the other to make them feel worthless , because of their own needs . We don't see it coming as it is a gradual process . See the link below .

Abuse, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

I also agree with Texas girl about the sleep medication . talk to your regular Doctor about dosages and to your therapist who may suggest breathing exercises , and coping techniques to overcome night anxiety .It is not a good idea to increase the dosage yourself .

take care wp

 

[forgetmenot]

hi Finding Me just want to say i too think talking with your doctor about your night anxiety and getting a medication that works for you is important. Taking more than your prescription is not safe and you need to get a medication that will help you properly. take care Finding Me glad your her on the forum mary

 

[cat22]

I'm thinking of you!

So sorry to read how much you've been through and are going through. From the sounds of it, it isn't surprising that you feel that way about yourself. He treated you really badly! You are much stronger than him though... I agree with White page when they said that he has lost his power over you.

I came out of an abusive relationship last year and am only now realising that that was exactly what it was - abusive. I'm getting help with flashbacks and the extreme emotions that follow them: guilt, self blame, disgust, fear, disbelief, confusion etc...

I have to keep holding on to the words of those helping me and of people in this forum, that I am not horrible, or to blame for the way he treated me.

You are not to blame, you are not worthless, you are not horrible.

Take care

Cat :cat3:

 

[Meg]

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing with us. While divorce is undoubtedly a difficult thing to go through, I am glad that you have some freedom from him. You didn't deserve what happened to you. I am glad that you have someone helping you through this tough time and hope that you will keep letting us know how you're going. :hug:

 

[Auburn]

Welcome to the forum Finding Me. You will find this a very special place full of wonderful people. I found this place by accident, and have never been more grateful for an accident in my life! These "strangers" have rescued me over and over in the past four years.

What I can tell you is that each day you work and struggle for yourself is a victory. No matter how small. And I know that it might not feel like that, but give yourself that small acknowledgement each day. I know it sounds maybe silly, or insignificant, but it really does matter. You matter, so much.

I am sorry that you now have to face the divorce in the midst of trying to find yourself, but, try to see it as a blessing in disguise. I always liked to say.....I dodged a bullet there! To be that selfish and superficial, you don't need that kind of person in your life.

Please know, we are all here for you. Come in often, and post often. It does help to get your emotions out. It does get better, it is just a slow road, but we are all here to help and support you.
Brightest blessings dear one.

Auburn