I was diagnosed with PTSD last year from a history childhood traumas that has carried on into my adult life. Not only am I dealing with recovering from PTSD but I am also getting a divorce. The man who I spent half my life with decided he didn't love me anymore right when I was starting to get help. This isn't as bad as it can be since my husband was an emotionally abusive man due to extreme insecurity and a dysfunctional childhood who kept reinforcing my problems.
He kept reinforcing me with the belief that I am unattractive, worthless, etc., yet he was the one who cheated numerous times in our marriage. From his words during the time we decided to divorce I have been able to finally see his past behaviour in the right light. I have come to realize that he actually doesn't know what love is and that he never really truly loved me. He was gripped with so much fear of trying to live on his own that we stayed married for 15 years with him lying about loving me the whole time. It was only after I paid for his education and he found somewhere to live rent-free that he finally had the courage to move out and tell me that he didn't love me.
During one affair he had told the woman that he felt he had wasted 8 years of his life with me. To another woman he had said that he wanted to leave me a year after getting married but I was very sick at the time and he didn't want to look like a bad guy by leaving me at the time. When i found about the things he had said at the time he always said that he never meant it and that he was just venting to these women. But now I realize that those were probably the most true statements he ever said.
Today was one of the hardest days for me to get through because I realized how much I had been used - financially, emotionally, sexually for all the years that we had been together.
I can understand why he is the way he is because I know his childhood story but how do deal wth the fact that these things do nothing but reinforce the belief that you are unlovable, unattractive, and worthless as a human being? I have an appt. with my therapist this week and we will have another EMDR session but I just hate myself so much right now. I can't stop having negative thoughts about myself running through my head.
I took 2 sleeping pills to try to relax my mind enough to sleep but they didn't work after an hour and now I'm going to take another one. I hate having to do this because I just want the anxiety to stop.
He kept reinforcing me with the belief that I am unattractive, worthless, etc., yet he was the one who cheated numerous times in our marriage. From his words during the time we decided to divorce I have been able to finally see his past behaviour in the right light. I have come to realize that he actually doesn't know what love is and that he never really truly loved me. He was gripped with so much fear of trying to live on his own that we stayed married for 15 years with him lying about loving me the whole time. It was only after I paid for his education and he found somewhere to live rent-free that he finally had the courage to move out and tell me that he didn't love me.
During one affair he had told the woman that he felt he had wasted 8 years of his life with me. To another woman he had said that he wanted to leave me a year after getting married but I was very sick at the time and he didn't want to look like a bad guy by leaving me at the time. When i found about the things he had said at the time he always said that he never meant it and that he was just venting to these women. But now I realize that those were probably the most true statements he ever said.
Today was one of the hardest days for me to get through because I realized how much I had been used - financially, emotionally, sexually for all the years that we had been together.
I can understand why he is the way he is because I know his childhood story but how do deal wth the fact that these things do nothing but reinforce the belief that you are unlovable, unattractive, and worthless as a human being? I have an appt. with my therapist this week and we will have another EMDR session but I just hate myself so much right now. I can't stop having negative thoughts about myself running through my head.
I took 2 sleeping pills to try to relax my mind enough to sleep but they didn't work after an hour and now I'm going to take another one. I hate having to do this because I just want the anxiety to stop.