[Trigger] Question: Why?

[suewatters1]

I usually know right from wrong but why even when I am having a good evening like now; my thoughts say if somebody wants to commit suicide to get rid of the emotional or physical pain that they have endured for so long I don't see nothing wrong with it.
I would never have thought this way before. But now that answer feels right even though part of me knows it is wrong.
Yesterday or the day before I was having a good morning at work and I thought I would consider breaking the promise I made to myself.

What can I do to change my thinking?

Sue

 

[Retired]

Sue,

The fact that you never felt this way before would indicate a change in your thinking.

You have shared with us that you are experiencing a great deal of pain and sorrow, and under these conditions, it's possible our feelings become overwhelmed and our thinking becomes distorted.

But now that answer feels right even though part of me knows it is wrong

Suicide is permanent, Sue, but the problems that are causing the sorrow are temporary.

What is it at this time in your life that is making you feel this way, Sue?

We need to figure out some ways for you to get help in dealing with these problems.

The first step would be to call the local crisis help line where volunteers are available to provide live support and to help point you in the direction for help.

I believe you are in the Ottawa region:

(613) 238-3311 (English)
(613) 722-6914 (Bilingual)
(866) 996-0991 (Prescott-Russell, Renfrew, SDG)

Can you call your therapist to report your suicidal feelings?

Are you able to keep yourself safe until you see your therapist the next time?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I hope you don't mind my adding for others reading this thread what I sent to you in a PM, Sue:

When one is in a major depressive episode, thinking gets distorted to the point where the individual is to an extent living in a distorted reality characterized by hopelessness, helplessness, and despair. My guess is that on those days when you are feeling subjectively better, you're still in the grip of depression and the distorted thoughts and feelings that characetrize depression. It's not so much a "good day" as "not as bad as other days".

As to what you can do about it, the first step is to acknowledge that depression does come with distorted thinking. The second step is to learn how to challenge and correct those distortions, using cognitve behavior therapy.

See:

Feelings and the Thoughts That Control Them - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Daily Mood Log - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Good books on Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT): David Burns - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

 

[suewatters1]

I do not mind DR Baxter. And thank You for the links

Sue
Also I have been going to Mood Tracker to track my daily moods

 

[Into The Light]

hi sue, tsow is right, the problems you are facing right now are temporary, as difficult as that may be to see.

But now that answer feels right even though part of me knows it is wrong.

that's all it is, a feeling. feelings aren't necessarily objective. right now it feels easier but it really isn't.

What can I do to change my thinking?

you are doing the right things to change your thinking, by posting here and reaching out, by working together with your medical team and your therapist.

hang on to the part of you that knows the suicide isn't the answer. what it is you really want is relief from the pain you are feeling right now. relief is available and waiting. just be persistent.

try this post when you are feeling too overwhelmed:
When you feel you can't go on - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

 

[suewatters1]

I thought this thread was deleted yesterday.

Steve my problems are my physical health which makes me tired due to work related injury and non work related stuff and the 24 years at a job where I was/am being bullied and harassed. Also my growing up years where there is some issues there I need to deal with. I have been going to work walking on eggshells everyday for the last 24 years.

The toll of everything has build up to a point where I can't just deal with some problems now and the others later. It seem like I try to suppress the thing that are bothering me and deal with them later but they are all coming out at once and it is overloading my mind. It's like I have been taking B.S for 24 years well it piled so high I can't see over it. I take it all in and try to suppress it or deal with some of them but there is no more room in my brain to deal with anything anymore. I started feeling this way last year because they were really making my life miserable but I never got to the point where I am now; calm and realizing there may be a way out. I knew the plan I was going to use last year but it was like a wish in my mind only. Now my thoughts are stronger and a couple of times my thoughts were urges just like when I go to the casino. (Haven't gone in about 6 weeks). It does scare me but I am just so tired of the pain that is why I tried cutting for the first time and only time 10 days ago.

I saw the crisis team 3 times in the space of 6 weeks. The last team I saw made me feel like I was wasting there time because it was the same issues I had earlier in the year when I saw them and they felt I had enough counselors to deal with that. "Remember what we told you to do and call the crisis line any time you want."
I left my therapist some messages but not directly telling him my true feeling word for word. He was away for a week he comes back tomorrow. I am sure he will call me tomorrow night. My next visit with him is the 17th. I see the CMHA this week and Family counseling center.
I somehow manage to hold it together so far I am hoping to keep going on as much as I can.

ITL "what it is you really want is relief from the pain you are feeling right now." That is so true

Also I have to go to work tomorrow the major source of my problems but I need the money to pay my bills.

So thanks for all of your support. I get more support here then I do calling the Hotline or visiting the Crisis Team

Sue

 

[Into The Light]

i really encourage you to tell your therapist of the severity of your feelings, sue. i know that can be scary but you may find that the thoughts will not have as much of a hold on you, and also you will have your therapist who will then really be able to help you properly, knowing what's really happening with you right now.

i would also go see your doctor and tell him of your work stress right now. it may be that right now you need a leave of absence to try and regain some strength.

 

[suewatters1]

I know ITL I need the time off but it is no good if I don't get extra therapy session during that time. so might as well work and bring some money in. Also some of my physical strength may never return due to a disease I got in 2004 which I am stuck with for the rest of my life. The disease is not bad right now but fatigue is part of residuals that come with this disease that doesn't help matters.

Thanks for your support

Sue

 

[Retired]

my problems are my physical health which makes me tired due to work related injury and non work related stuff and the 24 years at a job where I was/am being bullied and harassed.

I see this as a compound problem:

1. Current physical health
2. Work related injury
3. Non Work related issues
4. On the job harassment

1) Are you receiving treatment and follow up from a doctor? What is the prognosis?

2) Does your employer have a private disability insurance plan or Workman's Compensation so you can recover? What is the progosis for your injury?

3) Are you dealing with these in your therapy?

4) Have you sought assistance from the personnel department, or senior management or as a last resort legal assitance? Is your company unionized?
What is the nature of the harassment?

 

[healthbound]

Hi sue...glad to see you posting
I agree with ITL that it is good u are posting and reaching out. I also agree with TSOW that suicide is permanent but the feelings (even thought they seem unbearable) are temporary. I sometimes liken intense emotions to having the 24-hour stomach flu. It feels absolutely horrible, but it WILL pass. I just gotta ride it out for a bit.

It sounds like you are in the process of making some changes in your life that will create a much healthier environment for yourself. That reflects strength. Maybe the same strength that is motivating you to post here and seek help from your therapist and the other health professionals.

I know this might sounds cheesy, but one thing I do when I notice I'm having internal conflict is ask the strong, caring, protective and parental part of me to help take care of me at this time. I even go further and tell the strong part that there is another part of me (the depression) that is trying to "take me out" and since I am feeling confused and overwhelmed, could it please step in and help out for a while because I am becoming unclear.

I know it sounds a bit hokie, but it works for me. I don't know why there is a part of me (or my mind or whatever) that wants me to be depressed or sad or angry or lazy or unsuccessful or whatever. But there is. And when I was in the deepest of my depression the strong parts of me (or maybe the real parts of me -the parts that aren't depression) became smaller and smaller and smaller. They got so small that I was unable to access them. That's when I was in real trouble. My thinking was so distorted that I thought I was beyond help and honestly believed it was in everyone's best interest if I were gone.

But that was crap. That was the depression talking. And depression is just an illness. An illness that I can get treatment for. An illness that I learn about and treat and take preventative measures against.

Dealing with depression can be very difficult because it affects our mind, perception, thinking and moods. But, don't buy into the negative crap it sometimes dishes out about us. Hold onto that little part of you that knows you...that IS you.

I'm rambling again...
I just know what it's like to feel similar and want to help. I didn't believe a lot of the members on this forum when I was posting similar things a couple years ago. They told me they'd been in similar situations and their feelings and thoughts passed. They said I'd one day be grateful that I didn't follow through. It was difficult to trust what they were saying, but they were absolutely right.

I don't know if any of that helps or not...but regardless, keep workin' through it sue!

 

[suewatters1]

The work related injury is almost OK tendinitis but I have that in other areas that is not going away

This part of an article I copied and paste to give you an idea what I go through

What is Workplace Bullying?

Workplace bullying involves the persistent ill treatment of an individual at work by one or more other persons. To be recognized as bullying the ill-treatment must be continuous and directed against a particular person. It need not involve physical ill-treatment, such as punching, kicking and other ways of inflicting physical pain. Most cases of bullying involve such treatment as verbal abuse, 'nit-picking', threats, sarcasm, ostracism

Some people seem to find fault with everything I do even if I did noting wrong. I made a complaint to HR manger earlier in the year. We have a Union but they weren't there to back me up last year they were siding with the company so I had no support. It was like my Sanity was being threaten. I had a DR note asking for me to stay on a certain production line if possible but 1 person made she if I left for a medical appointment when I came back I loss my spot and got shipped to another line. She would be constantly watching me waiting for me to make mistakes and she has to show me how she has no problems doing it. Yes if your not tired from medication or if you don't have problem multi-tasking etc.... I was made to feel inferior constantly. I am getting physio for my work related injury paid for by WSIB so i leave early from work to go there but she checks the clock to make sure I don't leave 2 sends 2 early especially if the clock she uses is off by a minute or 2 well she expect me to abide by that clock not the real time. That has been going on for 6 weeks everyday nite-picking. That is all we talk about some times on how to deal with it.

Thanks for your support Steve

Thanks Healthbound I read your story last night. It help me a lot.

Sue

 

[Retired]

There is often petty workplace jealousy. Your best defense is to follow the employer's rules and guidelines to protect your own interests and to not antagonize the situation.

Is apllying for a job elsewhere an option you might consider?

If the co-worker harassment situation continues, have you considered re-stating your complaint with the union? Sometimes those handling the complaints are different people, change their point of view, and may just help.

Another option is to speak to a lawyer who specializes in workplace interference.

I had a DR note asking for me to stay on a certain production line if possible

I am not sure if I understand why this could not be implemented to help your situation.

 

[suewatters1]

Actually Steve one co-worker is the worse but there are others who act the same way trying to make me feel inferior. I follow the employers rules to the letter they can't fault me on that but they say I didn't and they are on my back. I am one of the first employees working there I make good money and have a good drug plan. So being on modified work gets people mad and they make my life miserable everyday. I am on modified as long as I need to due to my other problems.
They get to the point they make me cry. Last year they tried to force me out telling me I should go on a pension well less then $1000 is not good. I was yelled at in the office. So every time I was called to the office I felt myself panic because they always found something they said was not acceptable. The medical forms they wanted filled out was not to there liking and I needed to get another DR to fill one out. You name it it happen. So for 24 years of this plus other personal problems from my life it is just overwhelming at times and lately its like my mind wants to shut down.

Sue

 

[Always Changing]

That is a lot of Harrassement and workplace Bullying you are dealing with, Is there anyone higher up the management ladder to whom you could maybe take a list of all those incidents? A union representative should be acting on your behalf here. (??) or as a last resort, a legal letter of some sort to warn them off.

I hope things improve for you soon.

 

[Retired]

I was yelled at in the office. So every time I was called to the office I felt myself panic because they always found something they said was not acceptable

Sue,

If I understand correctly, you are experiencing harassment not only from co-workers but also from someone in management, right?

As Drifter suggests, can you speak to someone who can advocate for you, such as someone in the higher executive of your company, a union rep or a workers' rights advocate?

Do you have a support system in your life away from your work, such as family, friends and/or religious advisor?

 

[suewatters1]

Well the one management person that gave me a hard time last year left for another job. My chief union steward last year was part of the problem. So I try to avoid her like the plague. We have a new person in the office replacing the other one and she is OK.
WSIB contact the Vice President of the of the company I work for a few weeks back.

Also I don't have to much of a support system. My sister works with me at the same place and doesn't like modified workers getting it easier. My brother response in the past was don't let them get to you. My family they are tired to hear about it. I haven't seen my brother and his wife and child since the long weekend in Aug. I saw his wife at the local medical clinic recently and we talked for a bit.

I have an Aunt and Uncle that I can talk about some stuff that I can't with my family but there is only so much I can tell them. So really all I got is my counselors. My family don't know how bad I feel. I show everybody my happy face and believe that is how I feel. No friends except for some co-workers I can talk to at work a bit but they see it. So no support at all. Well one friend I can talk to at times but he is so busy that I can't always reach him so I might not talk to him for a few weeks. He knows everything.

So for 24 years I was made to feel like a nobody but some people respect me but others don't. My boss and I get along. He told me he knows I give 100% and maybe 150% but I think they forget that sometimes and the others who don't like me well after 24 years I just can't take it anymore. It's like some people respect me and others can't wait to pounce on me. I am surprised I lasted 24 years considering how bad my ADHD is. I just found out in 2004 I had it. They know I use to get very emotional before I got treated for my ADHD. I still get emotional but not as bad. So they can't say they didn't know it would bother me. I shouldn't be forced out due to mental health problems that they gave me.

I am just tired of things not going my way. But I had got some good news today I had a MRI of my lower back a few weeks ago that wasn't clear enough for the technician so they ordered another one for me last week with the dye so they can get a better picture of what is going on in my back. Today I found out this Wednesday the 8th I am getting it. Wow that was fast less then 2 weeks to get in compared to 6 weeks for the last one. One was order in April for my whole spine but it had to be canceled and it was never rescheduled. They couldn't reach my Neurologist for info. So in July I pleaded with a Rheumatologist to order me one. He relented and ordered one of my lower back and now another with the dye. So hopefully it will tell me what is going on.
We have autoimmune disease in my family I lost 2 brothers to Pulmonary Fibrosis in there teenage years. So I feel a bit better today but tired because I am not sleeping properly and eating properly. I lost about 6 lbs in about 12 days.
I just mentally need a break.

Thanks everyone for your support. I am tired going for a nap.

Sue

 

[Retired]

Sue,

It's hard to think clearly if you are not eating or sleeping. Your body and mind need nutrition and sleep to work effectively.

Have your doctors given you any advice on getting the sleep you need? There are some informative postings in the Psychlinks Sleep section with THIS one providing some suggestions on getting better sleep.

The key is to get 8 to 9 hours good quality sleep, in a dark and quiet room with no distractions.

What is happening to interfere with your sleep, Sue?

When we feel down, it's hard to have an appetite, but if you know that your ability to make sound decisions, and to be able to think clearly depends on nourishment, it may help to get the food you need.

Are you able to prepare your own well belanced meals at home, Sue, or do you prefer to eat out?

If you are unable to get balanced nutrition during this trying time, you might consider meal replacement drinks you can buy at the pharmacy such as Ensure and Boost.

Check with your doctor for your own nutritional needs, but most people require between 1500 and 2000 calories per day.

I had got some good news today I had a MRI of my lower back a few weeks ago that wasn't clear enough for the technician so they ordered another one for me last week

This is great news, and certainly shows you are an independent and resourceful person in being able to arrange the tests you need!

Well one friend I can talk to at times but he is so busy that I can't always reach him so I might not talk to him for a few weeks. He knows everything.

Great! In times of need, we should be able to rely on the support of friends, and it sounds this person cares about you. He may not be aware of the difficult time you are having at this time, so perhaps you could give hime a call and tell him you're having a hard time. Do you feel comfortable enough to tell him you have had suicidal thoughts, recently?

WSIB contact the Vice President of the of the company I work for a few weeks back

What was the outcome of that contact?

 

[suewatters1]

Steve I find that at night I am restless my mind won't shut down for me to sleep. I am tossing and turning and then by morning I am tired or I sleep 3 hours then up 2 hours then back to sleep for 3 hours but when morning comes I am exhausted.

My friend knows how I am feeling right now about wishing I weren't hear but not the fact these thoughts are stronger. He knows about the cut I emailed him not long after and he replied back.

Food I can make my own meals but just can't seem to do it lately to much of a struggle right now and I am not taking care of myself all round. Dirty dishes piled everywhere, laundry all over my bedroom floor hamper not put away.
I don't mind eating out but I never had a big appetite and restaurants cost money. I go to the fast food places some times or order pizza.
My BMI index says I should be around {{Edit: specific numbers}}

The VP did ask a coworker if it was true what was happening to me and she said yes and gave him a name and he told the her that he would talk to the other person.

I am just tired of trying to deal with the issues all my life and I still have a hard time dealing with my brothers dying. One was 32 years ago the other was 21 years ago. I wish I could trade places with them sometimes. They had so much going for them.

Thanks Steve for your support

Sue

 

[Into The Light]

sue, proper nutrition and sleep are your number one priorities right now. i would say go see your doctor asap to get some sleep medication and as tsow has suggested, get some boost for now maybe as a supplement to the rest that you are eating to get much needed nutrition into you.

you're doing a great job talking to us here, keep it up :goodjob:

 

[suewatters1]

ITL I take 150mg of Lyrica at night for pain and it usually helps me sleep as it is also use for anxiety problems. Food I realize what you are both saying and I have to force myself to make something. I get home from physio and my mind is drained I just want to rest. Sometimes my Lyrica helps me sleep and I have a hard time to wake also. I know I will have to go get a supplement very soon if I don't start eating more or better foods. Especially for Wednesday the drive to the hospital for my MRI is almost 2 hours up and 2 hours down depending which way I go and the traffic. It's going to be a long drive.

Thanks ITL for your support.
BTW I love talking I can chat all day. Also I find since I got my Bupropion increased I find it easier to talk about personal issues. If I was on my old dose I probably wouldn't be so open.

Sue