Questions about suicide

[Shaymus]

Argh! I told my drug doctor that the lexapro just wasnt working and what does she say? Well its only been a month of 30 mgs so we should give it more time. Come back in 2 months! 2 months!?! I seriously doubt i can make it thru a 2 month sentence feeling like i do now. I think i have 60 1mg pills of ativan to play with but i just got it filled yesterday and ive tooken five already.

Im also starting to wonder if id ever have the strength to finish myself off. I look up ways online,i think of special Shaymus ways and yet when the time comes and im holding what i want to use i chicken out. Maybe obsessing about suicide is just how my brain deals with feeling so low. Kind of like when your super poor and can do nothing you dream about winning powerball or some other lottery. How many poor people win the lottery tho? Not very many. So am i just teasing myself into thinking id ever have this much strength? The pain keeps on mounting and my will keeps shrinking yet i never have any courage to do whats best.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Shaymus, have you been completely open with your "drug doctor" about the way you've been feeling and the thoughts you've been having?

 

[Shaymus]

Nope your right,i hardly tell my drug doctor anything. How can you get to know someone for 10-15 minutes once a month? I dont trust her any further than i could throw her. She might even be more educated than the psycholigist i have, being a psychiatrist but its all people skills and hers are awful. I feel like cattle in a slow moving line.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Maybe so, but you are relying on the psychiatrist to prescribe appropriate medications for you and currently complaining that she isn't doing a good job... but then she doesn't have all the facts, so how can you expect her to know what medications would be best for you with only half the story to go on?

 

[Shaymus]

So im supposed to go into the long drawn out my lows are much lower than they used to be. That the thought of suicide floods my head most days and that even the slightest negative thing seems like a sign from above i should end it? The meds arnt doing their job,ive jumbled the dosage a few times hoping i could find the right mgs and found out right quick why thats stupid.

Im absolutely sick of this and if this is what i need to do i can build the strength somehow to do it by december haha(my next meeting with her). Is there anything else i should add do you think? At this point if you told me i had to tell her i was a pink giraffe id seriously consider it. I want to get better.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If you told her you were having problems, I expect you could get an appointment before December. And yes, if you want to call that "the long drawn out", that's exactly what she needs to know to be able to recomment appropriate treatment.

 

[Shaymus]

Uggg got put in the hospital on a 72 hour hold on monday the 18th but got out early by a day. Im so angry i could spit venom at my family for forcing that on me. The good part of it is im now on a new med effexor. I mean it has to be good cause it effex me haha. Im so happy to be out of that place tho. Being treated like im 10 years old is very hard. Ill be busy for the next couple days sending out hurtful emails to my family for doing this.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

While you're at it, send out a couple of thank you emails, Shaymus... maybe they saved your life...

 

[Shaymus]

Yeah sadly you're right. I sent out one ugly email but after having a chat with my girlfriend and reading peoples opinions i called and had a nice phone call with my sister. I still think she was wrong but i know she did it out of fear and concern for me and the love she felt to risk our relationship for my safety is impressive to me. Im still slightly annoyed at the whole situation but heck i just got out with time i think i can figure out the truth of things.

 

[sammy]

Shaymus... I'm quite encouraged as your thinking seems straighter...

and the love she felt to risk our relationship for my safety is impressive to me.

you're right... that is true love....

all the best with the new med.

 

[SpaceTime]

Re: Life is a struggle

Im sick of life creating chaos. Im sick of struggling thru every little mishap or crushing defeat life has to offer. My main question lately is this: If my biggest problem is dealing with problems in life how can anything make it better? Problems come up in everyones life im assuming. For me i cant handle them anymore and dont want to. Im sick of leeching off of good people. What is harder on people do you think,,having someone you love disapear and not knowing,,or knowing someone you love killed themselves? I can see both as hurting but i think they would eventually be easier able to deal with option b but not really sure. Im not on the verge of attempting but my mind is curious and i have too much time to think and this is something i need to figure out.

Shaymus,

I'm suicuidal and depressed too. I used to go to a forum that did nothing but insult and harass me and it made me feel even MORE WORTHLESS. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I even made up a plan on how to do it, and people there (among other non self help forums) dared me to do it, even telling me HOW to. They said they didn't care and I was only saying it for attention, and I almost felt like doing it just to prove them wrong.

This totally changed me around when I visisted this forum. Of course, I still feel this way at times. But I realized that complete strangers , ON A FORUM, people I don't even know, CARE FOR US. That's something incredible .Just realize people do care for you, KEEP VISITING THIS FORUM, for advice and help.

Hang on bro, we can do this together.

If I can, you can

 

[SpaceTime]

Sometimes I get so emotional, when I hear songs like Third Eye Blind, Jumper (telling his friend not to jump and kill himself, and at the end he does), and good charolett (hold on) I get so emotional I cry. In front of my parents. I'm even a guy, at that.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

ST, listen to Everybody Hurts, by REM... that song pretty much says it all...

When the day is long and the night,
the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life,
well hang on
Don't let yourself go,
'cause everybody cries
and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much
of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone,
no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life,
the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much
of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts.
You are not alone

 

[SpaceTime]

ST, listen to Everybody Hurts, by REM... that song pretty much says it all...

When the day is long and the night,
the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life,
well hang on
Don't let yourself go,
'cause everybody cries
and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much
of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone,
no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life,
the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much
of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts.
You are not alone

Who's REM? I know i've heard that song before. Sounds incredibly similiar to Good Charolett's "Hold on" Chronics of life and death.

I asked my pastor if Good Charolett was a christian band and he said far from it..yet they make such inspiring songs? I don't get it.

Third Eye blind has a great song too called Jumper, made in '01 or so. I'l post it soon.

Listening to that song helps me so much. I've been trying to buy the CD; but its' not at walmart. Also I can't contact the radio station to play it


Here it is:


I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand
The angry boy a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don’t belong
You’re the first to fight
You’re way too loud
You’re the flash of light on a burial shroud
I know something’s wrong
Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand
Well he’s on the table and he’s gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they’re doing here
And your friends have left you
You’ve been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And i, I want you to know
Everyone’s got to face down the demons
Maybe today
You could put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
Understand
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Can you put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
And I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand

 

[David Baxter PhD]

REM is a band from Georgia, I think... they have several CDs... that song is from Automatic For The People, I think, but their hit from that CD was What's The Frequency Kenneth?...

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Ok you two, this is gonna sound weird, I'm sure.
How about not listening to suicidal music, at all?
Try some chill out music, such as french bands, 'Air's album 'Moon Safari'
Or how about some happy nonsense, such as Australian band's 'Regurgitator'.
Both Highly recommended by moi!
OR (and this is a little embarrasing, as I'm only the tender age of 23) try Paul Simon's 'GraceLand' Album. There are some seriously LOVERLY classics on that one.
Both of Queens greatest hits have fabulous tracks, 'best friend' 'fat bottom girls'. They're marvolous!
Or something as simple as Eric Claptons Live album.
There is so much rich beautiful music that gets your mind off the constant turn over in your mind, you really don't have any more time to listen to music that doesn't!

ttyl
Robs

 

[SpaceTime]

Or, "Don't worry, be happy!" song...

hehe..

 

[Shaymus]

Re: Life is a struggle

Shaymus,

I'm suicuidal and depressed too. I used to go to a forum that did nothing but insult and harass me and it made me feel even MORE WORTHLESS. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I even made up a plan on how to do it, and people there (among other non self help forums) dared me to do it, even telling me HOW to. They said they didn't care and I was only saying it for attention, and I almost felt like doing it just to prove them wrong.

This totally changed me around when I visisted this forum. Of course, I still feel this way at times. But I realized that complete strangers , ON A FORUM, people I don't even know, CARE FOR US. That's something incredible .Just realize people do care for you, KEEP VISITING THIS FORUM, for advice and help.

Hang on bro, we can do this together.

If I can, you can

When im in one my bigger lows i try to remind myself i will come out of it and be ok. Its hard to remember when everything seems so overwhelming.

Ill have to check out the music too. Ive listened to the REM song before David said but havent heard the ones you said. I used to own the REM CD when i was younger and would listen to that song quite a bit when i was down.

The crying part i can totally relate too as well. Ive always been a pretty emotional person and being a guy it can feel wrong to cry quite a bit. Someone recently told me tho there are some who cant cry no matter how much pain they feel. That would be worse i would imagine as when i cry it definately helps me,,i guess kind of like sweating when its hot out or something. There is a release there happening. So no matter how emberassing it might be to cry in front of people youd rather not it is a good thing to be able to have a release for those sad feelings.

I used to post at the players corner a lot as well and played GS IV quite a bit. I hardly spend any time there anymore as like you i noticed it made me feel worse quite a bit. It isnt easy to just stop doing something youve spent so much time on. For me i post here and at another mental health forum and i have an online journal i type to occupy my brain when needed. Some people are just vultures and can sense weakness(at least for me my depression makes me feel very weak quite a bit) in people and instead of feeling empathy they look at them as prey. No matter how cool they appear to be(i understand the need to be liked) they are still vultures and not someone either of us need in our lives right now. The nice thing about sites like David Baxter's here is you can meet people who dont look at people like they are prey. You can make online friends who want to help you feel better. They dont always say what you want to hear but their advice is good advice not passive agressive or flat out agressive.

I agree we both can get thru this ugly time in our lives. I think patience is the key. Baby steps might be very frustrating but at least we are going forward and not backwards.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Very well put, Shaymus. And it's encouraging to see you thinking less pessimistically these past couple of days... )

 

[jubjub]

I've recently developed an interest in techno music - lively, rhythmic and for the most part no words at all! I've collected some great ones, even remakes of songs from the 80s and classical. I've played a few of these CDs at work, and they all seem to like it too, although they wander over, get all spastic and say "Oh, disco!"..........oh well.........