David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
LOL... sounds like my sons when I play folk-rock, country-rock, or anything that sounds to them like a "chick group"... ;o)jubjub said:
- Thread starter Shaymus
- Start date
David Baxter said:And it's encouraging to see you thinking less pessimistically these past couple of days...)
Yeah i was noticing that too. I have my first therapy appointment today after being in the hospital. Thats sooooo scary as i know hes going to be disapointed in me. I think i have it talked out in my brain enough to be not crazy tho. After all the worst possible thing that can happen is ill be shoved in the hospital again and i already know i can get thru that. Still tho i dont want that to happen
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
I suspect your therapist is less likely to be disappointed in the fact that you were hospitalized and more likely to be pleased that you are makinf progress. Good luck!
Free Falling
Lately i seem to be plotting and planning or incredibly happy. No middle ground what so ever. Everyone loving me to everyone hating me. Bouncing up and down constantly is very tiring. Now im down and its hard to remember im just as likely to be up tomorrow as down. Self destructive temptations around every corner whispering sweet promises. The feeling of jumping back and forth seems like a life sentence of unhappiness and stupid actions ill try to justify. Nothing really happened to put me into this blackness either. No car breaking or people getting arrested. No one betrayed me or pissed me off. Fighting with my girlfriend about such small things. Getting upset as her daughters bicker at each other constantly. Staying up late for privacy and then when i get that just beating myself up. My memory seems to be getting shorter and shorter. Having trouble remembering even silly things i do everyday. Sleeping too much or too little. No drugs or alcohol to turn my brain quiet around. I guess im not really asking a question, just venting. Was gonna start a new topic then realized probably just easier to stretch this one longer. Better to have one huge one than 50 different ones and the sight of seeing every showing topic authored by me in here would be even more depressing so i hope thats ok.
Lately i seem to be plotting and planning or incredibly happy. No middle ground what so ever. Everyone loving me to everyone hating me. Bouncing up and down constantly is very tiring. Now im down and its hard to remember im just as likely to be up tomorrow as down. Self destructive temptations around every corner whispering sweet promises. The feeling of jumping back and forth seems like a life sentence of unhappiness and stupid actions ill try to justify. Nothing really happened to put me into this blackness either. No car breaking or people getting arrested. No one betrayed me or pissed me off. Fighting with my girlfriend about such small things. Getting upset as her daughters bicker at each other constantly. Staying up late for privacy and then when i get that just beating myself up. My memory seems to be getting shorter and shorter. Having trouble remembering even silly things i do everyday. Sleeping too much or too little. No drugs or alcohol to turn my brain quiet around. I guess im not really asking a question, just venting. Was gonna start a new topic then realized probably just easier to stretch this one longer. Better to have one huge one than 50 different ones and the sight of seeing every showing topic authored by me in here would be even more depressing so i hope thats ok.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
First, Shaymus, as we've discussed previously, I do hope you will make your therapist aware of what is happening with/to you. You might think about jorunaling, if you're not already doing so, and taking your notes into sessions with you, either to show your therapist or as a reminder when you are in the session. Take particular note not only of what is happening in your life today but what has been happening in recent days -- any additonal stressors, etc.? If there are no external triggers, what about internal ones -- thoughts, memories, etc.?
In most cases, sudden mood shifts are not really out of the blue, although they may feel like it at the time. On the other hand, if they really are in your case, that is also information your doctor and therapist needs since it might imply cyclothymia or a bipolar pattern.
As to your implied question about the length of threads, that's not an issue as far as I'm concerned. My general feeling is if it's a continuation of the same topic or issue, then it's probably better for continuity to add it to the previous thread -- for one thing, people who have been following the thread and who have asked for notification will then receive a notice that the thread has been updated. If it's a new issue or question, then certainly think about starting a new thread. Either way is fine.
In most cases, sudden mood shifts are not really out of the blue, although they may feel like it at the time. On the other hand, if they really are in your case, that is also information your doctor and therapist needs since it might imply cyclothymia or a bipolar pattern.
As to your implied question about the length of threads, that's not an issue as far as I'm concerned. My general feeling is if it's a continuation of the same topic or issue, then it's probably better for continuity to add it to the previous thread -- for one thing, people who have been following the thread and who have asked for notification will then receive a notice that the thread has been updated. If it's a new issue or question, then certainly think about starting a new thread. Either way is fine.
Good advice as always, thank you. I do journal quite a bit as it helps me let out some steam, its like my little safe spot to let out what i think about. Showing that to my therapist would be very tough but ill try to convince my head its the smart thing to do. I see my therapist on the 10th and my drug doc on the 11th and ill try to let them into my insanity. I guess there are some triggers that make me think of past memories and pain but the triggers are so sensitive they seem so silly for being so easily pushed. One got brushed up against and flooded my head with memories. Im way oversensitive to so many things its ridiculous. Ill get to debating my brain about printing out some of my journal to bring in with me. Intellectually i know it would be smart but emotionally that seems like a very dangerous thing to let someone in that far. Who knows maybe logic can beat out emotional stupidity for once.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
It's not stupidity, not even emotional stupidity, Shaymus... it's fear. And that's entirely understandable. And human.
Blargh
Welp back home from another 72 hour hold and yet more meds to take. The psychiatrist on staff wanted to have me comitted but i guess i smooth talked the social worker with different plans or it was all just to scare me to be willing to do other stuff. Either way i get to go to day treatment and random ua's have a case worker and all that mess. The only bright spot is they declared me disabled from major depression, recurrent so i might be able to get money or something. I dont even know whats all going on, but i figure i have a lil time before all this smacks down on me. Im just going to enjoy my freedom and smoke lots of ciggarettes haha. Altho if i hear two suicide attempts in two months is serious one more time i might scream.
Welp back home from another 72 hour hold and yet more meds to take. The psychiatrist on staff wanted to have me comitted but i guess i smooth talked the social worker with different plans or it was all just to scare me to be willing to do other stuff. Either way i get to go to day treatment and random ua's have a case worker and all that mess. The only bright spot is they declared me disabled from major depression, recurrent so i might be able to get money or something. I dont even know whats all going on, but i figure i have a lil time before all this smacks down on me. Im just going to enjoy my freedom and smoke lots of ciggarettes haha. Altho if i hear two suicide attempts in two months is serious one more time i might scream.
Thats the thing Ash, i cant see about in patient any more for any reason. Since they had the commitment pre screening if i even go in there on my own to be safe i very well could be commited now. Thats unacceptable to me, i live for freedom and even the chance of that makes it impossible. The plus side to that is i cant make anymore attempts as there is always a chance i would fail cause there is no sure fire method. So im trapped on this planet and have to jump thru their hoops til i can convince them to leave me alone. I wonder how long i have to go to the day treatment for? My sister or someone smart said they are usually like six weeks to a couple months. I can live with that i really hope its for 3days a week instead of the 5days a week tho as my social anxiety is bad enough when i get to just stay home. Forced socialization is a pain. I must say im going a lil nuts cause they wont give me any meds for anxiety, and they wont let me smoke weed.
Ideally, of course, "forced socialization" could help mitigate future social anxiety because of habituation, but I guess it could do nothing or even backfire.
Worse come to worse, I guess you could see it as a trial by fire:
"That which does not kill me, makes me stronger." --Nietzsche
Also, if there is group therapy, I guess you could see each daily visit as a way to help others.
Worse come to worse, I guess you could see it as a trial by fire:
"That which does not kill me, makes me stronger." --Nietzsche
Also, if there is group therapy, I guess you could see each daily visit as a way to help others.
"That which does not kill me, makes me stronger" Ive always thought that was wrong. I mean who is stronger the person who was born into a family with lots of money and very healthy communication skills and what not or the person who was born into the family where they were physically and sexually abused and emotionally tortured their whole lives. I wasnt born into either of those two situations but i have my theory on who will have the better life. Maybe he meant physically stronger and not emotionally cause if there was a fight id bet the farm on b winning.
Luckily i have some time before the day treatment starts. Have my intake for it on the 20th. Ive been building up a Shaymus i can go there as and appear to make progress so eventually they let me stop it and they consider it a success.
I dont understand how the forced socialization can help me. Ive been forced my whole life to be social and its always been a pain. I know i can do so and not have a heart attack and die right now. The point is i dont want to. People in groups are jerks. Maybe not all of them but if the group is big enough there will always be one who has to take their pot shots or make passive agressive remarks(heck even i do this). The problem with me is i very easily misinterpret things people say as passive agressive or even agressive so even in a utopia i will still hate humans.
Luckily i have some time before the day treatment starts. Have my intake for it on the 20th. Ive been building up a Shaymus i can go there as and appear to make progress so eventually they let me stop it and they consider it a success.
I dont understand how the forced socialization can help me. Ive been forced my whole life to be social and its always been a pain. I know i can do so and not have a heart attack and die right now. The point is i dont want to. People in groups are jerks. Maybe not all of them but if the group is big enough there will always be one who has to take their pot shots or make passive agressive remarks(heck even i do this). The problem with me is i very easily misinterpret things people say as passive agressive or even agressive so even in a utopia i will still hate humans.
Well i started my day treatment today. It was ugly but not nearly as bad as i made it out to be. I found out the guy i have to impress and im going to ask him tomorrow what exactly i need to do to be done with it, then im going to do just that.
Life has become so simple it seems. I dont know why i made it so difficult. Sure i get negative thoughts still but ive learned this silly trick of blaming the mental illness for it and not making it part of my identity. Its so much easier to let go of my anger and sadness when i do this. It helps it not stick to me and i find i dont obsess so much about it when i do that.
Anyway since life has gotten beautiful again i just wanted to put this whole topic to bed in my mind. I need to see an ending of it. So without further ado....
The End
Life has become so simple it seems. I dont know why i made it so difficult. Sure i get negative thoughts still but ive learned this silly trick of blaming the mental illness for it and not making it part of my identity. Its so much easier to let go of my anger and sadness when i do this. It helps it not stick to me and i find i dont obsess so much about it when i do that.
Anyway since life has gotten beautiful again i just wanted to put this whole topic to bed in my mind. I need to see an ending of it. So without further ado....
The End
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
That's actually a pretty effective trick.Shaymus said:
Shaymus.... I have really been able to relate to what you have descibed here. Many of these thoughts and emotions. Not that its the same as we are all different. I really don't know how to put this but your original post--WOW--similar thoughts thats for sure. I do hope you find what you are seeking. And I wish you all the best.
I don't think by any means that you are abnormal in what you have described.
Haunting
I don't think by any means that you are abnormal in what you have described.
Haunting
ThatLady
Member
How is your day treatment going, Shaymus? Do you feel you're making progress toward your goal? I'm curious to hear how things are with you. )
)It was really cool how it turned out. Apparently the social worker guy in charge didnt like that i was *forced* to go and so he only made me go for two weeks. It left a really good taste in my mouth so now if i ever get convinced i need it, it wont be a problem.
Other than that things have been mostly good. Hit rough patches here and there but so far they havent clung to me like the other ones did. The pit got filled in a lil somewhere along the line. So when i drop it stinks but the hole isnt as intimidating and helpless as it once was. Ive dropped down to therapy twice a month again instead of weekly visits. In fact im in my first non weekly visit right now. I see him on tuesday. It was a harder than seeing him so often but i think its a good thing as long as i have the guts to ask for weekly again if it gets really bad.
As for progress i never know if im making any or not. Being around people is still a struggle and sometimes i get incredibly irritated at the smallest of things. Im paranoid about february because i was in the hospital in oct, not in nov, back in dec, not in jan. The pattern seems obvious but jan was a lot better than sept or nov was so im trying to optimistic
Other than that things have been mostly good. Hit rough patches here and there but so far they havent clung to me like the other ones did. The pit got filled in a lil somewhere along the line. So when i drop it stinks but the hole isnt as intimidating and helpless as it once was. Ive dropped down to therapy twice a month again instead of weekly visits. In fact im in my first non weekly visit right now. I see him on tuesday. It was a harder than seeing him so often but i think its a good thing as long as i have the guts to ask for weekly again if it gets really bad.
As for progress i never know if im making any or not. Being around people is still a struggle and sometimes i get incredibly irritated at the smallest of things. Im paranoid about february because i was in the hospital in oct, not in nov, back in dec, not in jan. The pattern seems obvious but jan was a lot better than sept or nov was so im trying to optimistic
Just a quick question i have. I saw my therapist and he asked if i had any suicidal thoughts since i saw him last. I said i did have a few and told him one of the quick plans my head came up with. He now wants me to bring in the method item with me next time. This angers me so much i could spit lightning. I mean if i want to die him eliminating one choice out of a million options isnt going to stop me. He was very pushy and i didnt like it one bit. What is the point of him doing such a thing? Is it just what you all are taught to do? Does he understand the only person in control of whether i live or die is me? Him trying to take control just makes him into my dad and me hate him. Also it seems like the last 3 times ive gone he has been digging a lot harder than he was the months before. Is this him getting frustrated with me?
Though I have never had a therapist do this, it doesn't seem like a bad idea to me per se. I would think there is theraputic value in this, such as making the whole situation less abstract ("making the darkness visible").
Regarding being pushy, if the therapist is not pushy about non-suicide issues, I think it's more understandable. After all, at a certain point, therapists do have to be somewhat pushy or paternalistic about suicide by reporting when someone is "a danger to themselves or others."
BTW, I would think that therpists who have experienced the death of a patient by suicide would be more emotional about the issue than they would be otherwise.
Yes, but because of the impulsive nature of suicide, making a certain suicide method more inconvenient could be helpful.
Since you can always change therapists, you are ultimately in control, of course, and it's always your decision to comply or not to comply with his recommendations.
If I have a point, it is this: Where is the harm in giving this suicide item to your therapist?
I guess it just bugs me that he is taking away the item i feel most comfortable with and have the most confidence in it working. You are correct he is never pushy, which could also be part of the shock of seeing him so. Him digging around in my past the last two sessions and it annoying me and then this happening. I guess it just pissed me off. In my mind he was the perfect t for me cause he never pushed and let me tell him things without consequence. Then suddenly consequences are staring me in the face. If i look back i always react poorly to negative consequences for my actions. Oh well
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