• Quote of the Day
    "Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do."
    John Wooden, posted by David Baxter

jo will

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I thought I was past all these rage fantasies! I havent had one in over a year and a half. Now whenever I am in a stressful situation I have visions in my head of doing serious harm to people or things instead of my usual logical solution reasoning. I am not even creating these thoughts or images, they just pop up! My kids have started to ask me why I am cursing all the time now! I just want to pull my hair out and go running out in the night screaming! I have started to use my PRN on a regular basis now to get through work and to help me socialize. I do not want to go back into the black hole again!
 

David Baxter

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What is your "PRN", jo will? It may not be the best medication to manage anger.

Additionally, it sounds as though some assistance in coping with frustration and anger is indicated, in particular cognitive behavior therapy. You might have a look at David Burns' The Feeling Good Handbook as a start.
 

jo will

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I have been using lorazepam to help calm my emotions to get me through the day. My emotions range from crying to anger. I just don't understand why I get angry and agitated by the least little bit. I think I understand where my anger is coming from and why. However, when there is a noise that startles me or there is a lot of commotion around me I get very agitated and when I can not escape or change the situation I get angry and the visions of violence start popping up in my head.
I thought I was past all this. I don't want to relapse into another PTSD hole. I am struggling to upwards; however I feel myself falling and not gaining any ground.
 

David Baxter

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It may be that there's more than an anxiety reaction happening here, jo will. As I suggested earlier, the lorazepam will certainly help to reduce anxiety when it spikes but I'd suggest you talk to your family doctor about something that might be more effective for depression and anger (i.e., one of the SSRI medications).

Do you have a therapist? or is there one you saw in the past you could contact for some help?
 

jo will

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I don't have a therapist right now. The psychologist I did have is not seeing any patients as they are contracted for the schools right now. I have completed the PTSD program twice at Homewood. I am currently on Effexor 150mg and Trazadone 25mg. I will try to get in to see my doctor.
 

David Baxter

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What is your sleep like lately, jo? And how long have you been on that dose of Effexor?
 

jo will

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Sleep? I sleep fitfully and full of nightmares. The Effexor dosage about a year.
 

David Baxter

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OK. Talk to your doctor about the sleep problem. One thing I noted is that you're on a very low dose of trazadone - increasing that a bit might help. Alternatively, if the sleep issue is related to increased anxiety or depression, talking to your doctor about options such as increasing the Effexor or switching to another SSRI might be helpful.
 

Halo

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Good luck in talking to your doctor Jo Will....I hope things get better for you :)
 

jo will

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I have just completed a very stressful week. I worked 60 hours and endured some very emotional stressful situations at work. My supervisor is playing with my head. She says she has a degree in psychology and that she can tell I am a sensitive person. She has not been told of my PTSD. Because I have went to HR for her lack of professionalism and verbal abuse, she is playikng these mind games with me. I am now able link these rage fantasies to this scenario; eventhough the rage fantisies are ocurring outside of work. Today I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel like a shell of a human being. I feel like I could lay down and die. I know I need to take care of myself but I do not have the energy or drive right now. I also know I need to do something with the scenario at work; but am afraid of repercussions. I feel like I am on the verge of a relapse. My soul needs soothing but I don't know how to do that.
 

Halo

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Jo Will

First of all I can relate to the working of a 60 hour week and how draining that can be not just physically. To have to deal with a boss that is in my opinion being manipulative, vindictive and abusive on top of working all those hours must be extremely difficult.

I am sure that you realize that she is only playing mind games with you because you went to HR about her and her behaviour and it in no way is a direct reflection on you or your performance.

As for needing to take care of yourself...that is definitely true. You say that you just don't have the energy and I can believe that after working so many hours and dealing with the emotional side of the situation at work. I think just doing whatever is going to decrease your stress and make you feel better is what you need to do. Whether that is taking a walk, sleeping, reading or cuddling up in a blanket...comfort yourself in whatever way you need to.

I know you are afraid of the repercussions at work but could it really get worse if you went back to HR to talk to them about her increasingly negative behaviour towards you. Also, if you really feel on the verge of a breakdown due to work, you may want to talk to either your doctor or therapist and see what they suggest...they probably have a better understanding of your situation and may see a need for some time off from work.

Anyway, I hope that you rest and relax this weekend and take care of yourself.
:hug:
 

jo will

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I will think about going back to HR, but really need to gear myself up for that one. Right now if I just think or talk about it I break down. I will however just take care of me this weekend and try not to think about it. Also, will not let the feelng of everything falling down around my head get to me. My head hurts and I feel emotionally dead.
 

Halo

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I think that taking care of yourself this weekend is the best thing that you can do. You are emotionally and physically drained and taking care of you is definitely the priority.

Take care
:hug:
 

jo will

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Yesterday and last night was not very good for me. I was in the shower last night getting ready to go to the store with my daughter when I broke out in tears uncontrollably. I slept very fitfully last night and feel like I have been beat up. I always dream but last night it was awful. The dreams were so vivid and full of emotion. They haunt me through the day. Why should anyone have to be afraid in coming into work?
 

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