• Quote of the Day
    "Hope is the thing with feathers, That perches in the soul,
    And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all."
    Emily Dickinson, posted by Daniel

Daniel

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"It's only when we recognize that selves are rivers, flowing onwards in a never-ending process of becoming, that we are able to be fully compassionate."

~ Bodhipaksa
 

Daniel

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“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”

~ Audre Lorde
 

Daniel

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The way we view closure matters. Compare the statement “I’m gaining closure every day” with “I don’t have closure yet.” You know straight away which feels kinder, more healing, less self-judging.
 

David Baxter

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I think it's essential to understand that after a breakup, particularly a less than friendly breakup as most are, you may not get the answers you seek. By that I mean your ex may not permit you to ask questions or to provide answers to your questions. That is very common.

"I have nothing to say to you and I don't want you to call me any more."

That may be the only response you get.

So what then?

Your only recourse may be to examine everything you know about your ex and about the relationship, and to generate various hypotheses ("guesses" if you like) as to what happened, what went wrong, why the relationship ended, especially if your ex was the one who ended it. Include yourself and your behavior or actions as well as those of your ex in these scenarios where it seems relevant.

Then examine each of those hypotheses in the light of what you know about your ex. Which one seems the most plausible? Which one seems to explain the most about how then relationship evolved and how it ended?

That may be your best answer, or at least the best answer you are going to get. Use that to move toward some closure on the relationship and to regain some control over your life again, instead of being buffeted by all the questions and uncertainties you have.
 

Daniel

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“People will try to achieve status, and a lot of time, whether they like you or don’t like you may have nothing to do with who you are. We see this in all kinds of species. They preferentially tend to spend time, outside of mating, with either individuals who are similar to them in status, individuals who are similar to them in personality, individuals who are similar to them in some sort of way genetically, so, family. So if you don’t have anything in common that is equally valuable to both parties, then you will likely be rejected. It’s kind of an inevitability.”

~ Jennifer Verdolin, PhD
 

Daniel

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We treat our fellow citizens as servants, as students, or simply as obstacles—choosing the comfort of clear hierarchical norms over the awkwardness of open-ended and unpredictable encounters with our equals. What is most important in life—and what we desperately need more of as a society—happens in those awkward in-between spaces that the rules did not anticipate.
 

Daniel

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Screen Shot 2021-07-28 at 8.36.10 PM.jpg
 

Daniel

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“All relationship systems become anxious. People put together and inevitably anxiety will arise. Anxiety can be infectious. We can give it to others or catch it from them. What precisely triggers anxiety is unique to each system. Common Activators are significant changes and losses. They upset the stable patterns and balance of the system.”

― Peter L. Steinke
 

Daniel

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"It is difficult to overcome an attachment disorder probably largely because the individual feels so much distrust and ambivalence about close relationships but that doesn't mean there isn't hope for learning how to have successful relationships. Part of the process is becoming aware of what you do and how you are in close relationships and then working on how to inhibit your "automatic reactions" and restructure your interpretations and perceptions of your partner's actions and reactions."

~ David Baxter
 

Daniel

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In looking for new ways to engage, one thing that can help is slowing down the conversation and speaking in longform. "As people get to know each other, they start to use efficient communication, where they assume they know what the other is about to say, what the other is thinking, what the other is feeling, because they’ve heard it before,” says Strong. Instead, focus on clearly conveying your whole emotional message and trying to hear the whole of the other person’s without perceiving it as an attack.
 

Daniel

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Emotional insecurity or simply insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be vulnerable or inferior in some way, or a sense of vulnerability or instability which threatens one's self-image or ego...

The fact that the majority of human beings are emotionally vulnerable, and have the capacity to be hurt, implies that emotional insecurity could merely be a difference in awareness.
 

Daniel

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The phrase “don’t take it so personally” might sound innocent enough, and is often used with the best of intentions, but it’s also used by gaslighters as a classic way of asserting control and spreading self-doubt in relationships.
 

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