Tough Time

[healthbound]

PS...I'm still having a lot of physical health issues right now. So, the depression is complicated and amplified by the other health issues. I just gave a bunch more blood last week for a battery of new tests. I HOPE something will show up in one of these damn tests so I can also begin to be proactive about getting better physically.

I also feel like I should DO something part time because I'm finding too much time at home alone is contributing to the depression. I need to be physically around people too. I will commit to doing one thing tomorrow that will get me out and around other people. That's a realistic goal.

 

[ThatLady]

Sounds good to me, healthbound. One thing's for sure...when we start planning, we start moving forward. Kudos to you for doing that!

 

[healthbound]

Kay, I just sent the e-mail. I'm not entirely sure why I found it so difficult to do. I also felt nervous after I clicked the "send" button.

 

[ThatLady]

That's normal, healthbound. I always feel that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach when I have to do, say, or write something uncomfortable for me, even if I know that what I'm doing is the right thing to do. It's just not easy, all the time, to be assertive; especially, when we've spent so many years as doormats.

 

[healthbound]

I'm now nervous about their reaction. One of the reasons my dad was so harsh to me during our phone conversations might be because he's not used me saying how I feel. I wonder how they will react to my message.

Although it's difficult, I do have a right to take care of myself. Especially if they're not going to. I don't have to take bullets AND be in a depression. I might have to "ride out" the depression part, but I don't actually have to ride out the bullets. I can just step out of the shooting range.

---Regardless of whether they are intentionally shooting me or not. That part isn't my problem. Getting out of the way is.

 

[ThatLady]

Absolutely right! You're cooking with gas, healthbound! Your logic is working faultlessly!

Regardless of their reaction, your responsibility is to you and what you need to do right now. How they react is up to them. Their reactions can't really have any impact on you unless you let them do so. You see what's happening very clearly, and you understand what they're doing. While they may be using self-protective mechanisms for themselves, that's no reason you have to pay their prices for them. Let them react, but don't let their reactions get to you. You've got the strength and the courage to stand on your own and fight your own fight. That's something to be very proud of.

 

[healthbound]

Thanks TL. I'm going to try to hold onto the stronger voice that seems to get burried sometimes.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm on 300mg of effexor...why do I still feel suicidal? Is that normal?

If you've been at that dose for more than a few weeks, yes, I would say you probably need something added or substituted. There are various ways to do this - adding in a small amount of something like Seroquel, adding in some Wellbutrin, or looking at switching to a different SSRI.

How soon before you see your doctor again, healthbound? Does the doctor know how much you are struggling these days? If not, please rectify that - s/he NEEDS to know that the current medication isn't working very well.

 

[foghlaim]

HB: i can't add anything to this thread (that hasn't been said already) accept to say you are in my thoughts, and you have my support.

take care of YOU.. you are a precious person to us\me.

nsa

 

[healthbound]

Thank you, nsa. I appreciate your post

Dr. B,

I just left a message for my therapist. She coordinates with the psychiatrist and he prescribes my meds. Ironically, I had a meeting with them on Friday (this only happens every 3 months) and I was telling them how much I had progressed. I was saying how I really felt a significant difference in my depression after we increased my effexor 3 months ago. My thoughts were clearer, my memory was better and I could concentrate more.

They were happy and agreed that I was doing really well. How bizarre that later that night I wanted to take my life. One major contributing factor was the alcohol, I'm sure. I was intoxicated and was dead set (no pun intended ) on self destruction.

Could it be a simple lesson about why one should never mix alcohol with antidepressants?

I don't know.

I still feel depressed today. However, I don't feel like carrying out my plan. I was still contemplating it until later in the day yesterday. Today, I just feel depressed.

Regardless, I called my therapist and will tell her what happened. I'll keep you posted.

Strange.

Actually - in addition to talking to TL yesterday, I did check my bank and found that the insurance company had deposited some money. This means that I was accepted for short term leave (mind you only until Aug1), but it also meant that I could pay my rent. I think my conversations with TL and seeing that I could pay my rent and buy food was a massive, massive relief.

I have been extremely stressed out about money while I've been continuing to try dealing with my health issues.

 

[Holly]

Hi healthbound,
I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you, glad you left the message for your therapist.
Take care, I think if you read the label it may have a warning about what you can take with medicine.
I know I could not use alcohol with certain medicines when I was taking them. Hope that is helpful.

 

[Cat Dancer]

You're in my thoughts too. That's good news about the money. Also it's good that you called your therapist.

I have had those times where I was feeling ok and then just crashed down really hard. It's scary when that happens and how quickly it can happen.

Just wish the best for you.

 

[healthbound]

Thanks you guys.

Maybe it's more about taking another leap into consciousness. I noticed that I gained another 7lbs recently. I use food to make myself feel better. I've also used alcohol to do the same. Both cause serious side effects. I've been dancing a dangerous dance. I know the potential risks of mixing alcohol and meds, but I did it anyway. I also know the risks of putting on weight so quickly. But, I keep craving cake.

I feel out of control.

I cognitively KNOW the risks of certain behaviors, but part of me doesn't care and continues to do them anyway. While another part of me cares about me and my body/mind/soul and wants to move through this.

I kind of feel like I'm taking the slow route to death with depression, eating, not working etc. Maybe I thought I was ready to speed things up and so I reached for the alcohol. Don't know.

I do sort of feel like I'm at a crossroads though. I'm really frustrated about living like this. I just eat and sleep and get sick and feel depressed.

What value to I have? To myself, to my family, to the world? I think this is what I've been struggling with in relation to my dad. I don't feel like I have value or worth. Not to him, not to me and not to the world. What is my value? What do I DO?

Dramatic and philosophical, I know. But, maybe I should keep processing my thoughts and questions here...it seemed to help yesterday. It kind of feels good to get some of these things out. Helps me organize my thoughts and answer some of my own questions.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Rosa]

Healthbound
Remember to take care of yourself before you worry about your relationship with your father-that can wait for now. As far as value, you have a lot of value. You are a very important individual who's just going through a rough time right now. I care about you and want to see you through this difficult time.
In friendship
Rosa
remember, don't stop looking up...the sky today was a spectacular powder blue with pretty white clouds-something you wouldn't want to miss

 

[foghlaim]

Priceless!!!!

 

[ThatLady]

These tendencies to use alcohol and food to try to overcome the feelings of worthlessness are things you really need to work on with your therapist. You most certainly do have value! You are a very special person who is meant to be here, in this world. We value you very highly here.

 

[healthbound]

Well, I had to fax a medical note to my work and when I was out, my therapist called. I tried calling back, but she's gone for the day.

I have a choice about how I deal with the rest of my day. I think I'm going to go get drunk. Just kidding. Kay, maybe that wasn't that funny...but, I hope anyone reading this can appreciate that I'm making fun of myself.

Alright, seriously. I really want to pig out on food. That makes sense to me because I'm still not feeling super great. I know that as long as I stay away from alcohol, I am still in control of my actions. So, what can I do that will help me feel more grounded. I feel very disconnected. I know that when I feel grounded or "real" (I'm not sure how to best explain it), I make better choices for myself. Yes, I feel the intensity of my sadness and anger, but that's the point...I feel it rather than do whatever I can to avoid it.

I struggle with staying connected to myself or to my reality. For some reason there seems to be a fairly dominant part of me that believes that staying connected to reality is horrible and intolerable. In fact, that part of me thinks that reality is SO horrible and intolerable that it believes death (even though I have NO idea what happens after death, if anything) is a better option than riding it out. It thinks that stuffing my face full of unhealthy foods is better than reality. It thinks that drinking, cutting and depression are better than reality. EVEN THOUGH overeating, drinking, cutting and depression hurt me and many people connected to me.

I'm really confused about that part of me and I don't like it. Plus, if staying connected to reality is healthier, easier and better...then why put up such a fight? I don't get it.

There absolutely is a part of me that desperately wants to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to take care of myself and take care of my son. I want to live. What a challenge though.

I also compare myself a lot with the way I perceive others. Like, when I went to fax the note to my work, I look at the people in my community and they are living. They are working and living. If they can do it, why can't I?

Are there self help or support groups for this? I mean, I know I go to therapy, but I feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me and that I'm just not "getting it" or something.

thanks for reading.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What is my value?

Your value is not defined in terms of your father's opinion of you or anyone else's. It is not defined by what you do or don't do.

It is defined by who you are and by the impact you have on other people who have the privilege of knowing you and interacting with you.

See this thread on Carl Rogers, especially the parts on unconditional positive self-regard versus conditions of worth.

 

[healthbound]

Thanks TL.

Part of me feels sad that I have some of these feelings towards myself.

I also feel really confused about the reality of the situation with my dad. I can't seem to figure out if he really is being the way I perceive he is or if I'm somehow distorting him.

Rosa...I just looked up and there is blue sky and green trees. Reminded me to take a deep breath. Ahhh.

I really appreciate everyone's support. I hope I don't seem "selfish" by continuing to ramble on. I feel like I'm taking a bit of a risk by venting so much, but at the same time I think it's helping work through some of this.

 

[healthbound]

Thank you Dr B. I'll check out the link now. I feel lost.

And for some reason I feel like crying.