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healthbound
Member
lol. I ended up staying awake in my bed for about another 45mins and then I finally fell asleep. I did have pancakes too 
yum.
I took back some of the stuff I bought and will return more of it on Tuesday when I get back.
I'm just packing for camping now and am being picked up in about an hour and a half. I'm looking forward to it. I'm bringing a couple books (Constructive Livingand Zen Path Through Depression) as well as a drawing book. I have a chair, my meds, some food, crisis line phone number and my toothbrush. I should be ok.
Have a great weekend everyone :wave:
yum.I took back some of the stuff I bought and will return more of it on Tuesday when I get back.
I'm just packing for camping now and am being picked up in about an hour and a half. I'm looking forward to it. I'm bringing a couple books (Constructive Livingand Zen Path Through Depression) as well as a drawing book. I have a chair, my meds, some food, crisis line phone number and my toothbrush. I should be ok.
Have a great weekend everyone :wave:
ThatLady
Member
Enjoy yourself, healthbound. Everyone needs some R&R time now and then. It's good for the soul!
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Have a great time, healthbound!
Hi HB,
I hope you have a great weekend though you probably left by now. Sorry I haven't posted sooner but I have trouble getting onto the Internet (alone) these days. The quote below is something you wrote several pages back. I just had to quote it since it is such a great bit of advice, the imagery is perfect - it helped me look at things differently. It was really neat, thank-you.
I am glad to hear you're feeling somewhat better. Thanks for sharing. I read your posts about drinking too much and overeating and I could relate so well.
I don't have much advice but it sounds like you're making some positive steps, getting your feelings out, talking to people and trying to "get out of the way". I look forward to seeing how your weekend went and you're feeling. Keep us posted and thanks.
Take care,
I hope you have a great weekend though you probably left by now. Sorry I haven't posted sooner but I have trouble getting onto the Internet (alone) these days. The quote below is something you wrote several pages back. I just had to quote it since it is such a great bit of advice, the imagery is perfect - it helped me look at things differently. It was really neat, thank-you.
Healthbound said:
I am glad to hear you're feeling somewhat better. Thanks for sharing. I read your posts about drinking too much and overeating and I could relate so well.
I don't have much advice but it sounds like you're making some positive steps, getting your feelings out, talking to people and trying to "get out of the way". I look forward to seeing how your weekend went and you're feeling. Keep us posted and thanks.
Take care,
Hi HB
I know that you are well on your way to your camping trip this weekend but I want to telepathically send you lots of support while away.
It sounds like you have everything that you need but I didn't see pj's on your list. Hopefully you didn't forget those as the evenings can be cold and having clean teeth is not as important as being clothed
I know that you are well on your way to your camping trip this weekend but I want to telepathically send you lots of support while away.
healthbound said:
It sounds like you have everything that you need but I didn't see pj's on your list. Hopefully you didn't forget those as the evenings can be cold and having clean teeth is not as important as being clothed
healthbound
Member
Hello everyone. Thank you all for your continual support. This forum and the support I receive here is very important to me.
I ended up taking it pretty easy this weekend. I did drink, but I didn't drink the level of intoxication that I did the night I wanted to die. That scared the crapola out of me.
However, I did notice how terrified I felt about being in an unfamiliar place with few resources (of all kinds) and people who aren't familiar with (or understand depression) --or at least that's my perception of them. I felt very vulnerable and scared. I was also feeling "alone" and frustrated at the dynamics. I'm pretty sure that my frustrations and loneliness were a result of being triggered about the work I'm doing around my relationship with my father.
I went with T, his fianc? S, his nephew J, and his other nephew D. T and I used to be very close friends. I still consider him to be a very close friend...almost like a brother. We've been through some similar tough times and therefore we always related and felt a unique (and never sexual) bond. His nephew's have always treated me with respect and almost accepted me as family too.
However, since T met S they I haven't spent much time with him. Around the same time he met her, I was working really hard and then of course, he was in a new relationship, so we just seemed to drift apart. I also remember having a hard time spending time with him because of how he was sleeping around so much (including cheating on girlfriends) and I was finding it increasingly difficult to be supportive when I felt so strongly that what he was doing was hurtful to both him and the girls. Anyway, he's doing very well now. He seems to be monogamous and his fianc? is really nice. He has a stable job, a dog and seems to have settled down considerably (although I still have troubles dealing with the way he expresses his anger).
Anyway I'm starting to ramble and am unfocused again. I'll post again later. I was going to reflect on the dynamics and how they were little triggers for some of the challenges I have around power and control and maintaining my own identity, likes, dislikes and more specifically my needs in such situations.
I ended up taking it pretty easy this weekend. I did drink, but I didn't drink the level of intoxication that I did the night I wanted to die. That scared the crapola out of me.
However, I did notice how terrified I felt about being in an unfamiliar place with few resources (of all kinds) and people who aren't familiar with (or understand depression) --or at least that's my perception of them. I felt very vulnerable and scared. I was also feeling "alone" and frustrated at the dynamics. I'm pretty sure that my frustrations and loneliness were a result of being triggered about the work I'm doing around my relationship with my father.
I went with T, his fianc? S, his nephew J, and his other nephew D. T and I used to be very close friends. I still consider him to be a very close friend...almost like a brother. We've been through some similar tough times and therefore we always related and felt a unique (and never sexual) bond. His nephew's have always treated me with respect and almost accepted me as family too.
However, since T met S they I haven't spent much time with him. Around the same time he met her, I was working really hard and then of course, he was in a new relationship, so we just seemed to drift apart. I also remember having a hard time spending time with him because of how he was sleeping around so much (including cheating on girlfriends) and I was finding it increasingly difficult to be supportive when I felt so strongly that what he was doing was hurtful to both him and the girls. Anyway, he's doing very well now. He seems to be monogamous and his fianc? is really nice. He has a stable job, a dog and seems to have settled down considerably (although I still have troubles dealing with the way he expresses his anger).
Anyway I'm starting to ramble and am unfocused again. I'll post again later. I was going to reflect on the dynamics and how they were little triggers for some of the challenges I have around power and control and maintaining my own identity, likes, dislikes and more specifically my needs in such situations.
healthbound
Member
So, it's 2am and i'm feelin super crummy.
It was my dad's birthday today. Urgh.
I also chose today to talk to my x-boyfriend who I broke up with because I felt guilty about being depressed so much. He's moved on. He was good about being completely honest with me when I asked him, but man it stung.
I feel like I should either go to the hospital or to A.A. or something. I feel like I'm totally breaking down.
damn it.
It was my dad's birthday today. Urgh.
I also chose today to talk to my x-boyfriend who I broke up with because I felt guilty about being depressed so much. He's moved on. He was good about being completely honest with me when I asked him, but man it stung.
I feel like I should either go to the hospital or to A.A. or something. I feel like I'm totally breaking down.
damn it.
healthbound
Member
i wish someone was online.
i know i'm high maintainance. i don't know what to do about it. i frickin hate my life and i feel so crummy. what the heck is happening to me? Damn it, I can't stand it. Nothing is the way I want it to be.
Except my son. He is exactly they way I would have liked him to be. I'm very proud of him and I'm honestly happy about how I've raised him.
But, I feel like I'm even losing touch with that now too. Like, I can't even hold onto that. URGH. What must I do to rid myself of this horrible curse?!?!?!?!?!
OK. Dramatic, I know. But, seriously...how low do I need to go before I can go back up again? Will I ever go back up again?
Instead of continually trying to "just hold it together", maybe it would be better for my son if I just admitted myself to the hospital and then to some sort of treatment or something?
Maybe he'd be better off with his dad's parents? Or even my parents?
Damn it. I feel like I don't have any damn options here. Urgh. I'm really in a state.
i know i'm high maintainance. i don't know what to do about it. i frickin hate my life and i feel so crummy. what the heck is happening to me? Damn it, I can't stand it. Nothing is the way I want it to be.
Except my son. He is exactly they way I would have liked him to be. I'm very proud of him and I'm honestly happy about how I've raised him.
But, I feel like I'm even losing touch with that now too. Like, I can't even hold onto that. URGH. What must I do to rid myself of this horrible curse?!?!?!?!?!
OK. Dramatic, I know. But, seriously...how low do I need to go before I can go back up again? Will I ever go back up again?
Instead of continually trying to "just hold it together", maybe it would be better for my son if I just admitted myself to the hospital and then to some sort of treatment or something?
Maybe he'd be better off with his dad's parents? Or even my parents?
Damn it. I feel like I don't have any damn options here. Urgh. I'm really in a state.
ThatLady
Member
You're not high maintenance! You're just suffering. You're feeling low, and lost, and depressed. I think most of us can identify with those feelings, healthbound. Maybe not for the same reasons as you have, but the feelings are much the same, I think.
We have a tendency to put ourselves down...over, and over, and over. It doesn't matter what we do good, we will concentrate on what we feel we don't do well. If there's something, like your son, that's obviously good, we figure we don't deserve that! Well, yes, you do deserve the credit for raising your son well! Even though you have had a lot of difficulty, you kept on with what you had to do to keep your son well, and raise him in the best way you knew how. That says a lot for you!
If you feel you need help with the drinking, AA might be a good place to start. I also think you need to be aware that the fact that it's your dad's birthday and you're having problems with him currently is adding to your distress. This too, will pass, as the saying goes.
We have a tendency to put ourselves down...over, and over, and over. It doesn't matter what we do good, we will concentrate on what we feel we don't do well. If there's something, like your son, that's obviously good, we figure we don't deserve that! Well, yes, you do deserve the credit for raising your son well! Even though you have had a lot of difficulty, you kept on with what you had to do to keep your son well, and raise him in the best way you knew how. That says a lot for you!
If you feel you need help with the drinking, AA might be a good place to start. I also think you need to be aware that the fact that it's your dad's birthday and you're having problems with him currently is adding to your distress. This too, will pass, as the saying goes.
Hi HB,
First of all I want to say that I am happy that you are back from your camping trip and for the most part that it went well. I am also very proud of you for not drinking in excess like you thought might happen. Good Job.
As for the way that you are feeling, I too can relate as well as many others no here I am sure. It is scary when you are feeling so low and depressed and you wonder when it is going to lift so that you can at least see that there is light. I wish there was some magic wand that I would wave that would take this incredibly horrible feeling from you HB but there isnt (and if there was I would wave it for myself). I too think that being your dad's birthday and coming off of some triggers from the weekend are probably causing you more sad and depressed feelings.
With respect to going to the hospital or to AA, I think that only you can be the one to decide what is best for you at this time. I think that deep down you know how bad the situation is and whether hospitalization or AA is the route to go. Please HB take credit where credit is due for raising your son and taking care of him the best you can. You seem to love him so much and that is a wonderful thing.
Take care HB and hope that you are getting some much deserved rest. Remember I am always here for you anytime.
First of all I want to say that I am happy that you are back from your camping trip and for the most part that it went well. I am also very proud of you for not drinking in excess like you thought might happen. Good Job.
As for the way that you are feeling, I too can relate as well as many others no here I am sure. It is scary when you are feeling so low and depressed and you wonder when it is going to lift so that you can at least see that there is light. I wish there was some magic wand that I would wave that would take this incredibly horrible feeling from you HB but there isnt (and if there was I would wave it for myself). I too think that being your dad's birthday and coming off of some triggers from the weekend are probably causing you more sad and depressed feelings.
With respect to going to the hospital or to AA, I think that only you can be the one to decide what is best for you at this time. I think that deep down you know how bad the situation is and whether hospitalization or AA is the route to go. Please HB take credit where credit is due for raising your son and taking care of him the best you can. You seem to love him so much and that is a wonderful thing.
Take care HB and hope that you are getting some much deserved rest. Remember I am always here for you anytime.
^^Phoenix^^
Member
healthbound said:
You're not High Maintanence or being Dramatic HB. I'm really sorry that no-one was online when you needed to chat, and now that I'm writing this - you're not online. I hope you managed through how you were feeling and are feeling better now.
It seems like alot is changing around you at the moment. The friend with the new relationship, the ex moving on. And the birthday of someone, whose relationship you are working on. None of these are easy things, and to all happen at once can be a little overwhelming. Like your drowning in hurt, and your finding it difficult to re-emerge, even though you have things that you feel should help you out (your feelings about your son). Some times these things just don't help. And its not because you don't love him/arn't looking out for him enough. Just sometimes our depression pulls us so far under the water - everything on the surface is blurred.
Cat Dancer
MVP
You're a good person. A good person. I think you don't have the support you need from the people who should support you. And you are hurting and struggling and going through a hard time.
And it can be SO hard sometimes. But keep reaching out and talking. I don't know the answers, but I do care.
And it can be SO hard sometimes. But keep reaching out and talking. I don't know the answers, but I do care.
Into The Light
MVP
dear healthbound i am so sorry you are feeling this way. i know how difficult it is to see a way out. indeed there are too many changes that you are facing right now. what's your current situation? are you seeing a therapist? if so when do you see him/her next? i am just trying to think of things you could do to alleviate some of your stress to take the pressure off. when you talk about going to the hospital for treatment what do you have in mind? would this be instead of seeing someone weekly? (i don't know your background so i have no idea if you're getting any professional support at all). how long would you expect to be there for? if it's just short-term then it wouldn't be the end of the world for your son to stay with family? if you do have professional help available you may ask for advice and be quite clear that you are struggling and you want and need help. they may be able to give you input on how to best approach your situation.
i myself just kept struggling and struggling not knowing what the best next step to do was. it sounds like you are doing the same. i think that at some point you just need to decide what you want/need and go for it. if you think the hospital is the way to go then maybe you should, if you think aa is better, then go for that. you'll probably have doubts (i certainly did), but that's part of the package i think. in my case i just felt i had to DO something, i just did not want to feel as crappy as i did. doing nothing would change nothing.
these are just some thoughts that come to mind, i hope some of this is helpful to you. let us know how you are doing.
i myself just kept struggling and struggling not knowing what the best next step to do was. it sounds like you are doing the same. i think that at some point you just need to decide what you want/need and go for it. if you think the hospital is the way to go then maybe you should, if you think aa is better, then go for that. you'll probably have doubts (i certainly did), but that's part of the package i think. in my case i just felt i had to DO something, i just did not want to feel as crappy as i did. doing nothing would change nothing.
these are just some thoughts that come to mind, i hope some of this is helpful to you. let us know how you are doing.
healthbound
Member
Wow, thank you everyone for your kind comments and support. Thank you.
My sister's birthday is also this month on the 16th.
This is exactly how I feel. I'm finding it very difficult to keep ahold of the things that usually keep me afloat. I also feel scared of what I'm feeling. It's scaring me. I feel pretty inconsistent and unstable. I have the desire and desperation to get better and move past this, but I'm struggling to somehow put it into action. I feel like I need more guidance or hand holding or something.
And this is also exactly how I feel.
I feel like SOMETHING'S GOT TO CHANGE. I think the reason I periodically think of AA is because it is where I was able to go when I was younger to get a family-like support system. And that is what I am desperately craving now. I don't know if I really belong there though. I perceive that I use many different things to avoid feelings and emotions and I feel powerless over them all at some point. I don't necessarily think that it's the alcohol or food or suicidal ideation that's "killing" me, but rather it's something fundamental about ME that's not working synergistically with life.
However, I DO know that there is a specific program there that might provide me with the extra "guidance or hand holding" I'm looking for. It would perhaps help me DO something different so I could move past this point in my life and move on. But on the other hand, it doesn't seem to totally "fit" for me.
There's got to be some sort of out-patient day program or something.
The only times I think about hospitalization are when I begin feeling hopeless and have the ideas about suicide. I feel scared of myself and that I might actually do it. And I'm not 100% sure that's actually the best choice. I'm told it's not and I know I've had severe depression before (after my sister died) and was able to come through it...so, I keep holding on to that and thinking I'll get through it again.
But, on the other hand, let's face it. It's been two years. My life is not getting any better. I don't have any way to financially support my son and I and I'm more alone then I've ever been. The thought of rebuilding is daunting.
I seem to often (like, real often) forget about all my previous major successes. Like it wasn't "really" me that accomplished those things. I guess that's me taking on my dad's perceptions. Grrr. Damn it.
I'm isolating, but desperately craving a place where I can actually have some human contact with people who might identify with me (instead of misunderstanding or reacting etc). I feel needy and I hate that too.
Lol...I'm just a big ball of anger, sadness, desperation and confusion right now. Guess, it's not really funny. But, I feel like I'm drifting farther and farther away from myself. And I don't like it. I want to come back.
I'm going to spend a bit of time right now finding out if there's some sort of day program that I can get involved with or something. I also thought I remembered someone saying something about the Mood Disorders of BC having meetings that are similar to AA but are geared towards mood disorders. That would be the jackpot if I can find out more about that.
I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and reply to my posts ---especially over the past few weeks. I feel like this is either my breaking point or the point where I hit some sort of "bottom" and will then finally begin my upward climb. I feel inappropriate, needy, desparate and high maintenance. So, as I said, I really appreciate all of your support. I'm not "myself" right now and I DO want to get past this. I desperately do.
My sister's birthday is also this month on the 16th.
This is exactly how I feel. I'm finding it very difficult to keep ahold of the things that usually keep me afloat. I also feel scared of what I'm feeling. It's scaring me. I feel pretty inconsistent and unstable. I have the desire and desperation to get better and move past this, but I'm struggling to somehow put it into action. I feel like I need more guidance or hand holding or something.
And this is also exactly how I feel.
I feel like SOMETHING'S GOT TO CHANGE. I think the reason I periodically think of AA is because it is where I was able to go when I was younger to get a family-like support system. And that is what I am desperately craving now. I don't know if I really belong there though. I perceive that I use many different things to avoid feelings and emotions and I feel powerless over them all at some point. I don't necessarily think that it's the alcohol or food or suicidal ideation that's "killing" me, but rather it's something fundamental about ME that's not working synergistically with life.
However, I DO know that there is a specific program there that might provide me with the extra "guidance or hand holding" I'm looking for. It would perhaps help me DO something different so I could move past this point in my life and move on. But on the other hand, it doesn't seem to totally "fit" for me.
There's got to be some sort of out-patient day program or something.
The only times I think about hospitalization are when I begin feeling hopeless and have the ideas about suicide. I feel scared of myself and that I might actually do it. And I'm not 100% sure that's actually the best choice. I'm told it's not and I know I've had severe depression before (after my sister died) and was able to come through it...so, I keep holding on to that and thinking I'll get through it again.
But, on the other hand, let's face it. It's been two years. My life is not getting any better. I don't have any way to financially support my son and I and I'm more alone then I've ever been. The thought of rebuilding is daunting.
I seem to often (like, real often) forget about all my previous major successes. Like it wasn't "really" me that accomplished those things. I guess that's me taking on my dad's perceptions. Grrr. Damn it.
I'm isolating, but desperately craving a place where I can actually have some human contact with people who might identify with me (instead of misunderstanding or reacting etc). I feel needy and I hate that too.
Lol...I'm just a big ball of anger, sadness, desperation and confusion right now. Guess, it's not really funny. But, I feel like I'm drifting farther and farther away from myself. And I don't like it. I want to come back.
I'm going to spend a bit of time right now finding out if there's some sort of day program that I can get involved with or something. I also thought I remembered someone saying something about the Mood Disorders of BC having meetings that are similar to AA but are geared towards mood disorders. That would be the jackpot if I can find out more about that.
I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and reply to my posts ---especially over the past few weeks. I feel like this is either my breaking point or the point where I hit some sort of "bottom" and will then finally begin my upward climb. I feel inappropriate, needy, desparate and high maintenance. So, as I said, I really appreciate all of your support. I'm not "myself" right now and I DO want to get past this. I desperately do.
ThatLady
Member
You know, thinking about this...as I recall, when my therapy had approached a point where I was ready to make a breakthrough, it seemed my symptoms of depression and helplessness increased exponentially. I hadn't thought about it until I read your last post. I wonder if this isn't the norm.
Shortly after I reached that point (I was in individual therapy twice a week and on medication for depression and anxiety), my psychiatrist broached the subject of beginning group therapy as an adjunct to my individual therapy. The idea terrified me, but he convinced me to give it a try. It was really very helpful and inspiring, and I never looked back. That group became a sort of family to me, and I one of their family members, as well. We supported each other, and the psychiatrist directed our efforts. I think it was a major step forward toward healing for me.
Shortly after I reached that point (I was in individual therapy twice a week and on medication for depression and anxiety), my psychiatrist broached the subject of beginning group therapy as an adjunct to my individual therapy. The idea terrified me, but he convinced me to give it a try. It was really very helpful and inspiring, and I never looked back. That group became a sort of family to me, and I one of their family members, as well. We supported each other, and the psychiatrist directed our efforts. I think it was a major step forward toward healing for me.
healthbound
Member
ThatLady said:You know, thinking about this...as I recall, when my therapy had approached a point where I was ready to make a breakthrough, it seemed my symptoms of depression and helplessness increased exponentially. I hadn't thought about it until I read your last post. I wonder if this isn't the norm.
Shortly after I reached that point (I was in individual therapy twice a week and on medication for depression and anxiety), my psychiatrist broached the subject of beginning group therapy as an adjunct to my individual therapy. The idea terrified me, but he convinced me to give it a try. It was really very helpful and inspiring, and I never looked back. That group became a sort of family to me, and I one of their family members, as well. We supported each other, and the psychiatrist directed our efforts. I think it was a major step forward toward healing for me.
Thanks for your post, TL. It made me feel like there might be some hope for me yet!
One of the most difficult things about depression is how it really limits one's peripheral vision. Or ability to see anything past the way we feel at that moment. Like, I feel horrible and helpless, therefore that must mean that I am horrible and helpless. Not only that, but I think I'll feel and be horrible and helpless forever. That's a major depression distortion.
Actually, I do remember when it was time for me to leave the day program (group therapy 4 days per week after my sister died), they mentioned that it was normal for clients to often react in a way that seemed like a mini relapse of sorts. It makes sense. I also seem to remember a couple times in my life when there was a storm before the calm
.My therapist also approached me about joining a group a few months ago. I immediately panicked about it and did not want to join it. Instead I tried to force myself to be ready to go back to work full time (because again, I simply couldn't afford not to), but ended up having to go on leave after only 2 months of being back.
This week, I see her on Friday. I will ask her what groups are happening right now and see if I can join one.
Alternatively, I found something with a completely different organization (from the one my therapist and psychiatrist are involved in). I'll do some more looking.
I think it's important for me to get hooked into some sort of community. I'm not sure if the additional help (ie: a group) and the community will be one and the same or separate. But, I've read that being part of a community is an important element to reducing risks of suicide and depression.
ThatLady
Member
I certainly found it to be so, healthbound. We all served as a support system for one another, and it was something many didn't have access to in their everyday lives. In short, it gave us all the connection to other, understanding human beings that we need so desperately when we're fighting our way out of depression.
healthbound
Member
Exactly. I do get that here, but I feel like I need more ---or at least some physical contact with people.
Thank, TL.
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