Tough Time

[Cat Dancer]

Life is a like a ride on some crazy roller coaster. And sometimes I feel like I'm not buckled in right.

HAHA!!! Janet...that is THE best line I've heard in a long time. That's EXACTLY life feels sometimes. Perfect.

He he.

in some ways, I feel like we are experiencing some similar dynamics in our lives regarding how we relate to ourselves within specific relationships too. I guess it's the nature of trying to bust through parts of denial and figuring out what's honestly best for us and our kids. It's really challenging sometimes.

It is challenging and it's like being in some kind of hell at times. Sometimes I want to be a child and have someone really take care of me and love me. It's a lot of responsibility, worth it, but it's hard.

Just try to hang in there and we're here whenever you need to talk.

 

[healthbound]

HB, I think what you've learned today gives you some new directions to explore and some reason to be optimistic about getting your symptoms under control. I know that some times when everything is happening at once, it's difficult to stay on target and optimistic but the reality is that if you can manage to keep "holding on just one minute longer" and putting one foot in front of the other, eventually progress is inevitable and you will emerge back into the sunlight again.

Thanks Dr Baxter. Exactly...just hold on one minute longer...one step in front of the other. I like sunlight and want to be in it.

Just try to hang in there and we're here whenever you need to talk.

Thanks Janet.

 

[Into The Light]

hi healthbound, don't worry about the length of your post - you have a lot on your mind and one of the best ways to work things out is to write it out and get it out of your system. i think it makes sense your dad reacted strongly to you asserting yourself since he's not used to that. it has more of an impact when it is unexpected. i can also understand your confusion around your ex-boyfriend, your reasoning is exactly what mine would have been were i in your situation. it's a lot of loss you're dealing with right now. but, there is hope. you're making progress by all the steps you are taking. i am so glad you have been seeing your doctor and your therapist and are getting input from them. i am also glad you heard back from the mood disorder organization. i hope it goes well when you go to the first meeting. may it be that first small ray of that sunlight for you

 

[Halo]

Hi HB

I don't think that your post was too long as I know what it is like to have so many things going on in the brain and just feeling like you need to get them out or my brain is going to explode. I do that a lot and sometimes post very lengthy on here sometimes and you should see the mini-novels that I send my psych :red: I am actually surprised that he reads them thoroughly. I do know that he does because he will either responds to each point in a reply email (if he has time) or we talk about most of them in my next session. Now I try not to feel guilty for posting or emailing long because I figure if people don't want to or can't read it than that is fine, I am doing it more for me to get my thoughts out of my own head. No shame in that (as I am learning).

I am also interested in hearing about how the meeting on Tuesday goes. Please keep us updated.

Take Care

 

[healthbound]

I'm feeling uncomfortably sad today (errr...is feeling sad ever comfortable?).

I find I'm "phasing in and out" about the disturbing state of my life. I do not like my life at all right now and it is no where near what I want it to be like. I don't like how I feel and I don't like where I'm at. I've noticed that I've been feeling less and less hopeful about things. About finances, my physical health, my mental health and about any connection with people.

I also find that I feel like I'm grieving the loss of my xbf. For some reason, a huge part of me figured that I could would probably be back together with him at some point. However, as I mentioned previously, he's moved on. I am actually happy for him but also a part of me is sad and letting go of him. Why I didn't do it 5 months ago...I don't know.

I'm sure it has to do with this whole situation with my dad.

I've also been thinking a bit more about my therapist saying I self punish and distortedly see the other person as totally "good" and "right" and me as "bad" and "wrong" (or more accurately...of no value or worth, not loveable and completely crazy).

I remind myself that this period of my life (I was not always like this) is not indicative of the rest of my life. But it doesn't seem to compute. I can't grasp the concept, because I can't seem to see how things could change or get better (like, seriously, how am I supposed to continue to be a good mom, deal with my depression AND financially support us on a part-time or no-time job with no help?!).

I long to be happy again. I miss being productive. I miss being a "superstar". I miss having people in my life. I miss having fun, being active, making money, being fit, being confident, moving forward, learning and being attractive. I've always been a pretty dynamic person with diverse interests and many friends. I've always had exciting careers. Now, I am overweight, unhappy, sick, unmotivated, alone and only capable of working part time --IF that. Like, how in the heck did I get here!?!

Guess, I'm wallowing in self pity. I just feel frustrated because I've been dealing with this crap head on for 2 years, now and am realizing that maybe this isn't a phase at all. Maybe this is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Why don't I feel like I have any control over that? And wasn't I better off in my career enveloped denial?

I wish I could figure out how to deal with my health and work and date and be a good mom and take care of my health all at the same time. Shouldn't I be focusing on building skills that will help me deal with my crap AND work at the same time BEFORE I delve into all this core stuff? It's simply not realistic and it's not going to work.

Awk. But, then again, I can't seem to work either. So, nevermind everything I just said. Or is my doctor just a numbnut and I actually can work. Haha. Nice. I'm in a real mood tonight.

I think I'm wondering why I put so much into THEIR opinion of what I can/should and can't/shouldn't do? Can't I determine whether I'm healthy enough to work again? Even though my doctor says I can't work full time...could I? Well, actually, I did think that before and tried it. But, I only ended up back at work for 2 months before having to go back on leave again.

My problem is that I need to somehow make my financial life work so that I can have an extended period of time where I can actually stay focused on my mental and physical health without the daunting stresses of the freakin money.

Or maybe I need to learn how to be stressed out about money, but still allow myself to focus on other things too. Like, compartmentalize or something. Man, this whole working on yourself is really challenging sometimes.

 

[ThatLady]

You're so right, healthbound. It IS very difficult! Sometimes, it seems like depression is all that will ever be; like there will never be sunshine again. I remember those times. I'm sure others do, as well. Yet, today there is sunshine in my life. It's there every day. The depression and all that went with it is behind me.

It took longer than two years for me to get here. It took closer to seven years to completely beat the demon into submission. It can be done, but it isn't easy and it isn't always quick. Some can do it in less time than others.

Raising kids alone and trying to make a living while undergoing the strain of depression is tantamount to climbing Mt. Everest with an anchor tied to your backside. We might as well just admit that. It gets easier, but it takes awhile. First, we have to get a handle on what we need to do to be able to deal with the stress of earning a living. You tried to go back to work but weren't able to take the pressure. That doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means the depression won that round. Now, begins round two. You keep fighting, and you keep trying, and you keep writing down your feelings. You reach out for support when you need it, and you do what you can. That's the most that can be asked of anyone.

Hugs to you, healthbound. I can feel your pain, believe me.

 

[healthbound]

Hi TL,
Thanks for writing what you did. I found it inspiring and motivating. It gave me some hope.

If you're comfortable, would you mind sharing some of your experiences around those seven years battling the demon? I need to hear how at least one person has been where I am and has made it through. If even just ONE other person has done it...then, I know I can do it too.

I have been feeling like I'm one "those" who just isn't "getting it".

Raising kids alone and trying to make a living while undergoing the strain of depression is tantamount to climbing Mt. Everest with an anchor tied to your backside. We might as well just admit that.

There's no way I could have said it any better myself!!!! Ain't that the truth.

Somehow it makes it easier when someone else acknowledges it though.

Hm. I just remembered that I used to perceive myself as strong. Strong, because I was keeping up with 'normal folk' and being a healthy mom despite my past or current situation. I was able to acknowledge and accept my situation and keep living/moving forward anyway. But, I've been struggling to do this lately.

I've been so angry at my dad and step mom's perceptions of me ---and yet, I've adopted them. I'm not saying that I think I'm worthy of a medal or anything, but even some acknowledgment from someone else that what I'm doing IS challenging seems to fuel and motivate me. I feel like I can keep going if I at least have acknowledgment .

And again, I just remembered that my sister used to provide that for me.
Maybe it's ok to find other ways to aquire awknowledgement now.

Why would it be so hard for my parents to just awknowledge me and how hard I've worked (and how hard I continue to work)? Or maybe a better question is why do I care about WHAT they think so much. Grrr. I don't like that. I would like ME to become stronger than what other's think of me is.

 

[Into The Light]

hi healthbound i think we all struggle with what others think of us. it's only natural that you worry about what your parents think of you. you love your parents, regardless of how crappy they make you feel. of course you want their support. if you don't get it, in your mind it translates to them not loving you and that you aren't worthy of their love. it hurts when they won't acknowledge anything. however, hopefully in reality they do love you and you will be able to see that in time, despite them not wanting to acknowledge things. someone mentioned before that it just might be too painful for them to accept your situation because it reminds them of your sister. denial can be very powerful.

you will become stronger. you've got our support in your struggle. i think anyone who survives depression has become a stronger person for it. i myself feel me getting stronger every day. i know once all this is over i am going to be the person i want to be. i will be strong, i won't worry about what others think, only my beliefs on who i am will matter. it is what you want and you will get there with the help of your support network.

 

[healthbound]

Thanks, bbc. That was a nice post.

I long to be in a place where I am confident with my real self --enough so that I don't worry so much about what anyone (including my parents) think, say or do.

I know I have a lot of anger towards them. And a LOT of sadness and confusion around many of the things they (more specifically, my dad) have done. I'm sure that much of it will never make sense to me. So, it would be nice to somehow make peace about it within myself somehow. I cannot change them or how they interact with me.

As for the denial because of my sister theory...I thought that too. But then I remembered that this goes back far before her death. We were scared and lonely and had very little direction or guidance. It was challenging. I'm sure they did the best they could, but I'm still angry. I actually thought my sister's death would have been a wake up call for them. But it wasn't. Their personalities and priorities were just different than those that are most conducive to parenting. They probably did the best they could...and that's all a horse can do.

I don't even think it's that that's bothering me so much. It's more that he does things that I don't necessarily think are "right" and then he blames me for it. Like it was my fault and I deserved it.

If he doesn't want to be supportive...then, so be it. But you don't have to lash out at me or try to make it my fault some how. Obviously if I'm suicidal, I'm already feeling pretty crappy about myself and don't need any help in that area.

I don't know...I'm just an angry kid that had some really crummy things happen. I'm just trying to make some sense of it so I can hopefully stop reliving it all and start living more in the present.

lol...maybe I'm just the bratty kid who's never happy and is always throwing tantrums and telling on everyone.

But, clearly it's not helping me to continue carrying all this crap around with me and I need to unload it. I guess that's what I've been doing here lately.

 

[Into The Light]

hi healthbound, if this goes back to way before your sister's death, then that probably isn't the reason they won't acknowledge things. all that i can think of at this point is that your dad just doesn't know any different. he probably grew up in the same environment that you have. patterns repeat themselves from one generation to the next unless you try to break out of them. his parents probably treated him in the same way. that causes a lot of anger in a person. women tend to keep anger inside (leading to depression) and men tend to act it out on others. i think this is why he treats you the way he does. it doesn't excuse his behaviour but maybe it'll help you accept things a bit better. you'll get all this sorted out in time, i have faith in you . just keep coming here for a sounding board.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The reality is that some people are just lousy parents - either because of circumstances or because of character traits and/or flaws. All you can do is look at your father for who he is, recognize that he is not and never has been the kind of father you wanted to have, and recognize that there is not and never was anything you can do to change him into the kind of father you wish you could have had or could have now.

This isn't about you. It never was. This is about him.

 

[Halo]

HI HB

I agree with David here when he says that it is not about you and never was. I know for myself that I need to come to terms with realizing that my parents did the best they could with the knowledge and parenting skills that they had however it was just not enough for me. I also recently realized that I have a lot of deep routed anger towards them that I am going to have to work through.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I can relate.

Take care.

 

[ThatLady]

I'll be glad to share a few of my experiences with you, healthbound.

The first three years of my recovery from the dive into depression were spent in therapy. I started with single therapy three times a week. I was a right mess! I couldn't think, wouldn't eat, didn't want to leave the house, but didn't really recognize that I was depressed. I just didn't want to bother. Nothing mattered much.

I was still married to an abusive, arrogant man at the time. He was anything but supportive, but he wasn't worried about the therapy. He figured his hold on me was strong enough, and he was smart enough to offset anything some mere psychiatrist could come up with. For awhile, he was right. Then, I began group therapy as an adjunct to seeing the psychiatrist once weekly for CBT. Some things began to take root, as I saw others struggling with similar problems and picked up new ideas, and new views of the world around me.

After a short time, I realized I had to leave the man. I dreaded losing the children, since they were his by a former marriage, but I was no good to them the way I had been and the only way to become more than I was was to get out from under his control. So I took the plunge and Lo and Behold the kids came with ME! He blustered and threatened, but the kids were adamant and so was I. He realized he didn't have a prayer in court if, and when, it all came out. The kids and I became a family.

My grandmother, although I love her dearly, is a control freak. She has a huge influence on my life and always has. She was meddling...again. So, I cut her off. We didn't speak for nearly two years, while I struggled with my own identity and learned ways to counteract her controlling influence. Once I felt strong enough, contact was reestablished and the relationship changed to fit the "new me". I could tell her when she was stepping into areas that weren't her domain, and she'd reluctantly back off. We were both learning, and growing. Now, she lives with my mother and I and her "control issues", while not completely anihilated, are kept in check through her own efforts and mine. If she begins to tell me how I should live my life, I stop her gently and explain that this will be done MY WAY. It's not always easy, but it does work.

During this healing time, I went back to school to further my education and began working in healthcare administration as opposed to bedside care, which I didn't find to be my "niche". That's worked out beautifully, as it allows me to help not only patients and their families, but healthcare workers as well. It's a rewarding thing to do, for me.

I can't say it was easy. I had two kids I was trying to raise (albeit, they weren't that young. My husband was a good deal older than I), a household to support, bills to be paid, and a need to work even when I didn't really feel I wanted to face the day. That was hard. Sometimes, it took all I had to get up and get into the office. At an earlier time, during the peak of my therapy time, I couldn't have done it. Yet, the coping skills I learned through therapy were invaluable. I was still involved with group therapy, and I credit that with much of my growth, since I had others (not just the doctor) to bounce ideas off of and to learn from. They'd had experiences they could share, and I'd had experiences I could share. We supported one another.

Money was often tight, and we had to budget closely. The kids helped, and felt they were being productive by doing so. My son went into the Navy and that's about the time I found out my daughter is bipolar. She tried to commit suicide. That set me back, and I returned to the psychiatrist once a week, since I felt I should be able to stop this! It took him awhile to get across to me that I could not. All I could do was offer love and support and hope she'd rally. Thankfully, she did. It's been a tough road for her, but she's on medications and gets therapy herself, and is doing so much better now than I could have hoped. The worry of losing her is a thing of the past. Yet, I am well aware that if she should relapse, there is nothing I can do but give love and support. I cannot change what is. I can only mitigate my reactions and actions. We cannot change another, and we cannot control what another might do. We must simply accept that we are in control of nobody other than ourselves and our own lives. We may love them, but we must let them go.

Now, my mother, my grandmother and I are three old bats in a house full of cats, and things go very well most of the time. I have a job I love, and a business I love, and things are much easier to deal with even when they don't go as I might like them to. There are days when I'm not feeling as competent as I might on other days, but I think that's normal for everyone. We have our ups and downs. The one thing I've learned is to put the past behind me...that's where it belongs...and live in today while planning for tomorrow. It's with this attitude that I beat back the demon when it threatens the door. It, after all, is a thing of the past.

 

[Halo]

TL

I know that you shared those experiences for the benefit of HB mostly but I just wanted to say THANK YOU!!!!. Hearing from someone who has been through the beginnings of therapy and the work necessary to lead a happy and productive life is wonderful and great. You give me the courage to continue on this road to recovery.

Again thanks....you are definitely special and courageous in my eyes.

 

[ThatLady]

If my experiences can be of help, I'm glad to share them. The one lesson that is very important to take home from all this is that therapy really does work! Sure, we have to put in our share of the work, but we need the guidance of a professional to direct that work toward positive, working goals. It's a journey, as we've said so many times. The destination is well worth all the difficulties inherent in the travelling.

 

[healthbound]

You are right. It's not about me. It's about him. And that's all there really is to it.

The past is the past. That's all it is. The past. It's just the past.

The present is the here and now and is the only thing I can influence or change. The more I stay "in my head" about the past, the more it takes me away from enjoying anything in the present. And the less I can connect with my son and myself. The less control over my life I have.

I need to make some serious changes in my life now. I feel that things have really been coming to an abrupt halt lately. I'm feeling closer and closer to death and I feel like I really need to do something now before I do something really stupid.

I'm emotional and sad alot of the time lately.....ok. But, does that mean I need to destroy my life? My behaviors are increasingly destructive and it's scaring me.

Like...who cares what my dad's like. In the grand scheme of thing...I'd like to focus on my own life and get back on track raising my son the way I'm happy with (ie: not sleeping in, not drinking and ultimately not depressed). I don't want him to perceive that this is the way one deals with life.

I feel pretty disappointed in myself. But, at least I'm starting to feel like I DO have some control here. I don't want to be victim to my emotions and distortions. I want to live in the present and move forward now. I'm sick of feeling like this and like I said, I'm scared that I'm so close to doing so many destructive things.

TL...I haven't read what you wrote about your experiences yet...I wanted to "vent" first. I've got to go pick my son up and then I've asked a friend to take me to an AA meeting tonight.

I'll log on later (after about 10pm my time) though.

Thanks again for all the support.

 

[ThatLady]

Goodness gracious! Don't feel disappointed in yourself, healthbound! That was quite a statement you just wrote, and the sentiments expressed there are something you should be proud to stand up and shout to the world, girl! It's darned hard to face our own faults. It's darned hard to put the past behind us and leave it there. It's darned hard to realize that the parents we wish we had aren't the parents we have and just go on with our lives. All of this is darned hard; yet, who's doing it? You are!

It's time for proud! You go, girl! :yahoo:

 

[healthbound]

Thanks, TL

 

[ThatLady]

Thank yourself, superwoman!

 

[Into The Light]

healthbound, those are some amazing statements you've made! and you are right - you DO have control. YOU decide on how you are going to react to what life throws at you. no one else decides for you how you feel or what you think or what you are going to do. you're boss. this is the big message i've learned myself in the past couple of weeks and it has made a huge difference in my attitude. you're on your way!