Tough Time

[David Baxter PhD]

There's nothing weak or immature or childish about struggling with a poor relationship with a parent, healthbound. When one has a dysfunctional parental relationship, it is extrfemely hard to let it go - most of us keep fighting for years trying to "force" it to work. That's the nature of a relationship with a parent - it's supposed to be close and loving and safe and special, and when it isn't we tend to look at ourselves as the cause and try to figure out how to change ourselves to make it work. But that is almost never the issue, as you are bit by bit discovering.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Good luck with that HB, Your stronger than I on that point, thats for sure!!
lol

 

[healthbound]

Thanks. I'm experiencing a wide range of emotions from day to day (and even from hour to hour sometimes).

I went to an AA meeting last night. It was really good. I saw some people I hadn't seen in over a decade (I started going to AA when I was 15, finally got clean and sober at 17 and then I began drinking again when I was 24 shortly after my sister took her life).

More importantly, it was comforting to be around a group of people that have had some similar experiences as me. It was also really good just to be around people. If I stay connected to people, it's more difficult for me to take my life.

The only problem is that I'm not sure if I "really" belong there. I know I use alcohol to escape. But I also use food, computer, business etc. Does that make me an alcoholic? Not sure.

What I KNOW is that I'm sinking further and further into self pity and depression. What I know is that I've been dramatically increasing my alcohol intake in the last while and that is when I am absolutely at THE highest risk for following through with taking my life.

Therefore, I KNOW the LAST thing I should be doing is drinking, but I still do it anyway. Same with the eating. I KNOW I shouldn't eat what I do and at what time I do because it makes me feel worse about myself and puts more weight on me...but, I keep doing it.

So, while I'm struggling with whether that "qualifies" me to be there (The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking...I don't even know if I have that...I just don't want to abuse it, but I'm not sure if that means I'm an alcoholic or not).

Anyway, so I feel a bit awkward or even a bit guilty. But, I think I'll figure it out along the way because right now, it's helping me.

 

[Into The Light]

hi healthbound, i am glad you went and that you connected to others at the meeting yesterday. sounds like you may have found something helpful to you

as for whether or not you're qualified to be there - the fact is, drinking is dangerous for you right now. AA seems like a good place to get help with that. also as you said you are connected to other people. something you really need right now. do you think you will also still go to one of the meetings from the mood disorder organization? just for additional support?

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think you should go to the meetings if they're helping you right now. It is good to be around people and be connected.

 

[Halo]

HB

When I read this part of your post it was like seeing exactly what I do also.

Therefore, I KNOW the LAST thing I should be doing is drinking, but I still do it anyway. Same with the eating. I KNOW I shouldn't eat what I do and at what time I do because it makes me feel worse about myself and puts more weight on me...but, I keep doing it.

I know all to well that for me I use many things to the extreme to escape the feelings that I have like alcohol, pills, food, purging etc. but I am not sure whether that qualifies me to say that I am an alcohol, drug addict or have an eating disorder. To me at this moment I don't think that I am any of the above but I guess it will not be until after dealing in therapy with the feelings and thoughts that are causing me to feel the need to escape will I really know whether these methods of escape are a real problem for me. It may be that they are but right now I am not sure and that is okay to be not sure.

I hope that made sense because I re-wrote it a few times to try and be clear as it is like I knew in my head what I wanted to say but the words weren't coming out right.

Right now if you think that by going to AA meetings and being around supportive people is going to help you than I say that there is nothing wrong with that and you doing what is best for you whether you think that you belong there or not. It is going to help and that is the main thing at this point.

Take Care HB

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

I aggree HB - if you find it helpful, thats what they are there for. In addition, people at AA obviously have their own deamons to work on and are generally attempting to be non judgemental.

 

[ThatLady]

I agree with the others, healthbound. If AA helps you, and if you use alcohol as an escape which negatively impacts your life in any way, you belong there. Besides, as you say, it gives you a social support system that understands where you're coming from and accepts you as you are.

 

[Holly]

Hi healthbound,
I just wanted to say I support what make you happy, if going to the meetings is important and helpful. Then I support you for doing that for your well being!
I wanted you to know that, it is hard to have supports in place at times, everyone needs them. Take care and all the best, I will be thinking of you.

 

[healthbound]

Thanks everyone.

This last week has been so much different than the last 2 weeks. I'm feeling much more in control of my thoughts, feelings and actions.

I took some actions that would directly affect the part of me that wanted to take my life (went to an AA meeting where I knew I would find support and friends, got a bike which I knew would get me out of my house and get me excercising, went to the Mood Disorder meeting today where I knew I would find support and talked openly about how I was feeling at therapy).

When I saw my therapist, we talked more about my relationship with my dad. She suggested that I write down everything I wish I could say to my dad and his wife. She explained that when I something happens with them, I punish myself...to the point of death. I felt sad when I realized that.

I'd like to allocate --or at least be conscious of-- what I'm actually angry and sad about instead of habitually directing it towards myself.

Somehow these awareness?s feel somewhat freeing.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That sounds like significant forward movement to me, HB.

When one's relationship with a parent is toxic, it is astounding how much damage it can do, over and over again, until one reaches the point where one is able to lay the responsibility for that where it really lies - squarely on the shoulders of the parent, where it always belonged.

It is sad that he could not and cannot be a father to you. But in some ways it is sadder for him than for you - he has missed out on being part of your life, the life of his daughter. Sad for you; a tragedy for him that he will never even understand. He is a fool.

 

[healthbound]

Aww. Wow. Thanks Dr Baxter. It is sad for me, but you are right. It is a tragedy for him that he will never even understand.

That's the gift my sister and my son have given to me. The gift to really know and understand love.

I'm lucky.

 

[Into The Light]

healthbound you are making good progress. it good to see you're moving away from your suffering. i can relate to the feeling of your new way of viewing things is freeing. feels good doesn't it?

you did awesome for taking control of your life and taking all the steps you have. i am so very proud of you for going beyond just going to meetings (you mentioned your bike). that takes tremendous effort. i'm not sure i would have done as much as you have. it's so easy to not want to make changes. you did very very well. well done.

 

[ThatLady]

Healthbound, it's so wonderful to hear so much positivity from you! You've really done some awesome work! I'm so very happy things are turning around for you. It was a big bump, but you climbed over it just fine! :yahoo:

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

HB, I am also glad to hear that you are working through your thoughts and feelings about your father. Its so difficult with parents, because (for me anyway) I always seem to revert to how I felt about them 'back then'. Keep up the good work. You seem focused on your goals right now which is great.
:flowers:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Its so difficult with parents, because (for me anyway) I always seem to revert to how I felt about them 'back then'.

I think that's common. It doesn't matter whether you're 20, 30, 40, 50, or 60. When your father yells at you, you become 6 again.

 

[Halo]

HB

I too am so happy and proud of you for making some good choices for yourself that you know will help. As TL said this bump in the road was a big one but you managed to get over it and now you can focus on what you need to in therapy(i.e. your father)

Congrats....you are doing such good work and sounding more and more positive :yahoo: :goodjob:

 

[Halo]

I think that's common. It doesn't matter whether you're 20, 30, 40, 50, or 60. When your father yells at you, you become 6 again.

I agree with this completely but for me I become 16 with a teenage attitude like you can't tell me what to do.....wow... those teenage years, don't want to re-live those again

 

[ThatLady]

I gotta agree with David. I think everybody reverts to childhood in the presence of an angry parent. Both my grandmother and my mother live with me, so I have to keep up a constant effort to ensure that they don't overwhelm my adulthood! Fortunately, mother is very easy going, but my grandmother is a control freak. It can get a little ...scary around here every now and then.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

I think that's common. It doesn't matter whether you're 20, 30, 40, 50, or 60. When your father yells at you, you become 6 again.

I agree with this completely but for me I become 16 with a teenage attitude like you can't tell me what to do.....wow... those teenage years, don't want to re-live those again

I revert to the teenager too, It must be the age that the emotional hurt occured most? or started maybe?