Tough Time

[just mary]

Hi HB,

I'm glad you're posting and letting us know how you're doing. It's a challenging thing to do, even if you're anonymous.

I understand what you're saying about community and physical contact. That was one thing I did like about AA was that it did provide a community and the honesty in that room could be quite inspiring at times. It's rare these days to hear someone say "I made a mistake, I screwed up", hearing that others weren't perfect made me feel a lot less alone in my own failures. And most of the people there were fighting their way back and trying to be better people. But in the end, I just didn't "fit", I felt like a voyeur. Anyway, enough about AA.

I think finding a group of people that you can relate to, that you can go to for support but at the same time provide support back - sounds good. I guess the hard part is finding the group. I'd be interested in hearing how it works out.

And by the way, I did NOT think you were being dramatic - you were just asking for help - which takes a lot of courage.

Take care,

 

[healthbound]

Thanks JM. I appreciate hearing your experiences with AA and I also appreciated hearing that you don't think I'm being dramatic. I keep thinking that I'm being dramatic and needy.

At this moment, I just feel very sad, sad, sad.

I really hate feeling like this and miss the days when I wasn't in this seemingly neverending black hole. I'm finding it difficult to remember positive things and anticipate how things can possibly work out.

I know that I've been taught that things will pass and they will work out, but I'm certainly not connecting with that on any level lately. In fact, I don't really feel like I'm connecting to anything lately.

 

[ThatLady]

You're connecting to us, healthbound! I feel the connection!

When you feel you're surrounded with problems and nothing's going right, it's not easy to keep positive thoughts. It takes real effort to find the good things in each moment, each hour, each day. Yet, that's what we have to try to do. It's the best way to get through the doldrums.

The beauty of a flower, or a butterfly, or a new green leaf exists in the moment. We can appreciate those with a glance. The beauty of a child's smile exists in the hour. We can appreciate that by spending time. The beauty of living life to the best of our ability exists in a day. We can appreciate that by lying down to rest at night knowing we did our darndest. Each small effort at appreciation leads to the next.

My heart and my thoughts are with you. You will make it through this time.

 

[Into The Light]

i can relate to feeling needy and wanting the handholding, that is exactly how i felt. I wanted for someone else to tell me what i needed to do. the first time i was at the hospital it drove me crazy because no one would tell me what i needed to do, they just basically left me to figure things out for myself. i ended up feeling like i was alone and that only i could solve my problems and that no one could or would help me with that. i desperately needed for someone to tell me that there was help available and that i was not alone. i was looking for guidance and reassurance and couldn't seem to get it. i know now they were trying to teach me to be more self-reliant instead of being so dependent and not that there was no help for me. so don't let that throw you off if that's the message you seem to be getting. just keep insisting.

there has to be something available for you to suit your needs, especially if you live in BC. just keep looking and telling the professionals around you you need something more beyond what you are getting now. the squeeky wheel gets the grease. don't let up on this. it's your life and you know what you need, you just need some help to get it.

what you can also do is call up the local mental health services (i did this where i live) and at first i didn't think there was anything to suit my needs, but as it turned out there was a weekly support group that meets. call them up and see what programs they have available. if they don't have anything that seems like a good fit, ask them where else you might try.

i hope this gives you a bit of hope. i think a weekly support group would be just the thing for you.

 

[Into The Light]

sorry about my post just now, i just realized i didn't read your reply properly healthbound and that you do actually have options for groups etc. so it is not an issue of not being heard by the people/professionals around you. i hope all goes well and that you find something soon to suit your needs.

 

[healthbound]

Thanks TL and bbc.

TL, I forgot about noticing the life and beauty that exists around me in this moment. I'll practice noticing tonight.

bbc, I e-mailed a mood disorder organization in my province asking if there was any meetings in my area. I don't know anything about them, but it certainly doesn't hurt to ask.

[edit]Yes, I believe there are groups around me...I think it's more a matter of discovering where, when and who they are.[/edit]

 

[healthbound]

So, I've been trying to stay more "present" over the past few hours and I have to say, I'm feeling a bit more grounded (this is good).

I didn't hear back from the mood disorder organization about the meetings in my area, but I'm assuming I'll hear back from them in the next couple of days.

I see my GP tomorrow, so I know I'll be going for a batch of new blood tests to rule out or identify a whole slue of other physical issues. I'm hoping we can identify something soon. I've read a bit more about fibromyalgia now and am going to ask him about that and lyme disease.

I'll also tell him that my moods have been swinging pretty severely and that I've been having increased suicidal ideation.

And thank G-d, I see my therapist on Friday. I will definitely talk to her about groups within her organization to see if I can get into something fairly quickly.

I also e-mailed a friend who's in AA and asked if I could borrow one of her "Big Books". She said I can pick it up tomorrow.

And lastly, I'm trying to remember that this is temporary. This is a bad time for me. That's all it is. A bad time. It is not the rest of my life or an indicator of what the rest of my life will be like. (Thanks)

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

TL, I forgot about noticing the life and beauty that exists around me in this moment. I'll practice noticing tonight.

HB, It really does take practise. attempting to change your view of things is hard, espeshially when you are feeling the way you are. When you are about to 'practise' (can be when ever, - I usually do it when I notice I'm feeling ultra down (probably shouldn't wait that long, but hey ho)) put yourself in a possition where you are surrounded by things you may percieve as miricals. For me its always outside. Feeling the wind to me is a gift, seeing the starts in the quiet is a gift. sitting in the rain, for me, I love it, and its amazing - Water! Falling From the Sky!! (I know this may sound patronizing, but I do. - I sit there and make myself see what I usually miss, the feelings are amazement and wonder, and It lightens my mood. Even sitting in the mud, and smelling the dirt.) When I give my senses this gift and when I acknowlege what I'm experiancing, it eases the pain I'm feeling.

 

[healthbound]

Wow....what a great post, Phoenix. Seriously.

Ironically, comfortzone has been logging on over the past few days and he once told me about a time when he would help a friend by describing the trees and the wind. The way you wrote your post reminded me of that.

I even feel a bit emotional (I really have to start reading "The Highly Sensitive Person"!).

Anyway, I'm on my way to see my doctor, but I thougth I'd do a quick post before I leave. I'll update more later (I got an e-mail from my dad's wife I wanted to tell you guys about too).

 

[ThatLady]

I'll be looking forward to the update, healthbound. I hope everything goes well.

 

[foghlaim]

me also... what T L said!!

later H.B

 

[healthbound]

The doc said to tell my therapist about feeling suicidal and to make another appointment with the psych. Although, he believes that this recent depressive episode has to do with the situation with my dad more than it does with medication. My therapist echoed that last week and I know a few of you guys have suggested that too.

This situation with my dad is a really big deal. It's the root of many other things. I'm goin' for the jugular when dealing with this one. Actually, that's a horrible analogy. Hm. I'm accessing the seed of the rotted fruit. Nope, that doesn't work either. Uhhh...it's...it's...it's...the well....well, it is what it is. It's a core issue for me that many of my most destructive and painful thoughts, feelings and behaviors have evolved from.

Wow. Now that I actually call it what it is...I think I can better connect with why I'd be struggling to stay with my thoughts and feelings right now. This is a pretty big deal for me.

Anyway, gotta go....making a late dinner. Thanks for listening.

 

[foghlaim]

"Wow. Now that I actually call it what it is...I think I can better connect with why I'd be struggling to stay with my thoughts and feelings right now. This is a pretty big deal for me."

maybe you just had an "AHA" moment there HB... hope it feels good...
stay with that feeling and smile.. be proud of yourself.. i am proud for you.

enjoy the dinner..

 

[healthbound]

Thanks nsa ...hopefully I will be able to stay with it.

I feel like I've already drifted tho. I seem to be feeling incredibly sad tonight.

For some reason over the past few weeks, my ex boyfriend (I'll call him "xbf") has been on my mind. I think it's because of two things: 1) the conversation with my dad and the potential disintegration of my relationship with him and 2) the fact that I met another guy that I kind of felt a bit of a connection with.

I broke up with xbf just before I went back to work. I was feeling a number of things at the time and at the time, I believed I was making the right decision. Now I feel really sad and I miss him a lot and wonder if I made a big mistake.

Perhaps it's normal for everyone to go through this periodically. But for some reason I'm really really missing him. Also, I feel a bit odd that I don't recall going through much of a sadness after I broke up with him. Probably because I was returning to work and really had to focus all my attention and energy there. But, even then...when I was at work, I noticed that I even felt guilty about looking at other guys even though I was technically single. It's almost like I made the decision to break it off with xbf and then went on living as if we were still together. I broke up with him mostly because I felt that I couldn't give him what he wanted/needed and felt like I was almost holding him hostage. This is because he met me just before I went into my depression and stood by me, but it lasted way longer than either of us ever imagined it would. I didn't feel like it was fair to him. We lived in the same city when we began dating, but later he moved back to where he was from (in the next province over) and therefore it became a long distance relationship. That didn't bother me a lot because I was so busy working on my depression and health while he was starting a business. Later though, I felt lonely though. And then even later, I began to feel guilty because even though I know he was totally committed and loyal, I felt like my depression was not only holding me hostage, but him also. I knew he was meeting many new people and was at an exciting point in his life with his success and I felt like I was denying him the opportunity to potentially meet local women without depression.

That's one side of why I broke up with him.

The other is that I felt like it was a time when he would accept me breaking up with him. And I know this paragraph is going to sound bizarrely opposite of the one above, but there were times when I felt like I didn't care if we were together or not, but didn't break it off because a) I didn't know if that was simply because of my depression or b) because of how he reacted the first time I broke up with him.

The first time I broke up with him he was very sad and didn't let it go. He kept calling and got friends to talk to me and even involved my son at one point which made me extremely angry.

And maybe I just made the connection again --- the way I feel about the situation with xbf is similar to how I feel about my dad. I feel extreme sadness about them not loving me anymore. I feel confused about whether I believe my relationship with them is healthy or not healthy. I feel confused about what the best thing for me to do is.

But then again, I happened to see one of my highschool boyfriends (who is now married with kids) recently. We didn't talk...I just happened to see him as I was driving past. I quickly remembered how I cared so much for him and I knew how much he cared about me. He was definitely into me, great looking and was a really "good guy". I don't recall why I broke up with him, but I did. We still spoke often and during one phone call, he told me he was dating someone else and I was crushed.

But, how rediculous to be crushed when I was the one who broke up with him?!

Anyway, I felt the same when I spoke to xbf a couple of nights ago. It sounds like there's someone else. And why shouldn't there be. He's an awesome guy and one of the big reasons I broke it off was so that he could meet someone.

I don't know. Maybe I was secretly wishing that he would spend some time "alone" and decide that he still did love me regardless of my depression. I know he thinks he felt like that when we were together, but I still felt guilty because he had this great bunch of friends who all know and care about each other and are social etc and here I was in a total depression, continually gaining weight and never flying out to see him on his turf.

Now I feel like that was a stupid decision because I did and do love him.

But then again, when I stop and think about it, I would still feel guilty. For some reason I feel that because I have depression, I'm not worth loving. Actually, scrap that...I think I felt like this before I realized that I could have depressive episodes without a trauma preceding them...it's just that now I feel it even deeper.

I couldn't handle my mom's depression. Her own parents legally disowned her because of her behaviors. She was fired from jobs because of it. And now it's happening to me too.

But, she has a husband and he loves her and she loves him very much and they seem truly happy. So, why would I think that couldn't happen for me?

Anyway...lot's going on in my mind and I've rambled as usual. I feel like I don't know what's happening to me. Like I'm totally falling apart. But, I'm going to keep writing (even though I almost always regret showing so much of myself later).

I'm hoping that writing will help me work through some of this crap.

 

[Halo]

HB

As you know I don't have any great words of wisdom to offer today as I feel that we are in the same boat with broken oars and trying to stay afloat.

I really hope that you don't regret posting your thoughts and feelings because just by reading your writings you are helping me more than you know and I think that it is nice to see someone who I can relate to. Thank you for showing so much of yourself. I truly appreciate it

Take care

 

[healthbound]

heh heh. I just began my menst. cycle. :red:

This will be the second cycle that I will have gone through without the hydrochlorothiazide in over a decade. I'm still adjusting. Also...get this...I just came back from my doctor's (yes, again) because of some very bizarre symptoms I thought were related to my effexor. Instead, I learned that hydrochlorothiazide was also used to treat vertigo. Apparently, something I'm experiencing now. The fun just never ends, huh. At least I can now just tell myself that I don't need to drink ---I already feel like I'm spinning!

Nancy -
Thank you for replying. I find much comfort in knowing that other people have similar experiences (although I'd never wish those experiences on anyone!). I'm actually grateful that you read throught the entire thing (I didn't realize how long my last post was :red.

I went to my therapist today and she reminded me that I asserted myself with my dad and therefore his reaction got stronger. She also reminded me that this was a huge step I took with him and that it makes sense that my reaction is self doubt and self punishment --given the history.

The she reminded me to drink water and stay connected to what is real (very similar to what TL and phoenix mentioned in earlier replies). I'm going to continue to notice what is real around me and try to stay connected to those things because I seem to be experiencing so much confusion and self doubt lately.

I also heard back from the Mood Disorder organization. They have meetings every Tuesday and Thursday not too far from here. I'll check one out on Tuesday.

I'm going to go lay down now cause I feel a bit sick to my stomach.

I'm really glad that I found psychlinks and that I have made some real friends here. Thank you.

 

[ThatLady]

There are other medications to treat vertigo if the vertigo becomes a chronic problem, healthbound. There are new things that might be of help to you without the side-effects of HCT.

How encouraging to find there are group meetings for mood disorders being held near you! I'll be anxious to know what you find there!

 

[Cat Dancer]

That's great about finding the information for the meetings. I hope you can begin to feel better soon, physically and emotionally. I'm glad you're keeping on writing here. I can relate to the feelings of regret about it. I always feel that way. I don't want to, but I do. No one here is going to be hard on you or think less of you though.

Life is a like a ride on some crazy roller coaster. And sometimes I feel like I'm not buckled in right.

 

[healthbound]

Life is a like a ride on some crazy roller coaster. And sometimes I feel like I'm not buckled in right.

HAHA!!! Janet...that is THE best line I've heard in a long time. That's EXACTLY life feels sometimes. Perfect.

I'm glad you're keeping on writing here. I can relate to the feelings of regret about it. I always feel that way. I don't want to, but I do.

I know. And in some ways, I feel like we are experiencing some similar dynamics in our lives regarding how we relate to ourselves within specific relationships too. I guess it's the nature of trying to bust through parts of denial and figuring out what's honestly best for us and our kids. It's really challenging sometimes.

There are other medications to treat vertigo if the vertigo becomes a chronic problem, healthbound. There are new things that might be of help to you without the side-effects of HCT.

Ya, the HCT had some pretty deadly side effects for me. It's sure is amazing that a simple water pill could do so much. I think it's good though...maybe some of this is even connected to my body aches? We'll see.

How encouraging to find there are group meetings for mood disorders being held near you! I'll be anxious to know what you find there!

Me too! I'm hoping it's a bunch of nuts like me just trying to figure out how to get buckled in right!!!!!

Ahhh. At least my sense of humour is coming back. Thank G-d.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

HB, I think what you've learned today gives you some new directions to explore and some reason to be optimistic about getting your symptoms under control. I know that some times when everything is happening at once, it's difficult to stay on target and optimistic but the reality is that if you can manage to keep "holding on just one minute longer" and putting one foot in front of the other, eventually progress is inevitable and you will emerge back into the sunlight again.