Tough Time

[ThatLady]

Personally, I think the one who feels worthless is the little girl inside you who was told she was worthless by the people who should love her. She's lonely and scared. That's who wants to cry, and that's who wants to deaden the pain with alcohol and food. For me, what has worked is to sit down and have an inner dialogue with that hurt child. Assure her that you love her and that she is very important to you.

How your dad is "really" being isn't that important right now. What's important is what his behaviors are doing to you. He's toxic to your well-being right now.

 

[healthbound]

Hi TL,

I think you are right as that part of me feels very "young".

I agree with what you said and think the reason I cried was because I think I have been taking on his perception of me as true. But, I'm not the way he perceives me. I am just not. And even though I am struggling with both mental and physical illnesses right now, I'm still trying to move through them and deal with them the best way I know how.

I would really like to leave his words and critiques behind. I would like to move forward without accepting his way of seeing me. The core part of me doesn't agree with it and I doesn't like it. However, there's that other part of me that believes that what he says is fact. That's the littler me. The one that believed her parents knew everything.

Your value is not defined in terms of your father's opinion of you or anyone else's. It is not defined by what you do or don't do.

It is defined by who you are and by the impact you have on other people who have the privilege of knowing you and interacting with you.

Somewhere along the way, I got tripped up and allowed myself to be defined by his opinion. But in the grand scheme of things...who is he, really? He is just a man.

I think I still need to do some core strengthening. Not the kind you do on an exercise ball (although, I could benefit from that too ), but the kind ya do in a more spiritual and psychological sense. I need to strengthen that part of me so much that it remains consistent regardless of external opinions or experiences.

I'm going to make something to eat (healthy -with no alcohol) and come back and read the link that Dr B posted.

 

[Cat Dancer]

"Toxic" is what popped in to my mind as well.

I found this article: Dealing with toxic people that I thought had some good advice. I know for me, it's hard to take advice like that and actually apply it to my life, but sometimes it sticks in my mind.

Stuff to at least think about.

(And for some reason the font on that website looks all weird on my computer, but I think it's just my computer.)

 

[healthbound]

Thanks Janet!
I'll definitely check that lik out too.

 

[Rosa]

Hi Healthbound
So glad to see your still writing. I don't have alot more to say at this moment, but with some work you'll be able to realize that your parents, just because they are your parents. aren't always right, sometimes they're screwed up and sometimes they want to screw us up. I'm really coming to terms with this in therapy and it really has helped alot...sure theres days when I feel I have no value or feel worthless....but recently I said to my little girl dog "if I ever question my value all I have to do is look into your eyes'. .....its soooo true
Be well my friend
Rosa

 

[Rosa]

when i was commenting on my little dog I was thinking you could very well do the same with your son.... sorry i wasn't clear..
Rosa

 

[healthbound]

Hi Rosa,

Thanks for your message. Your message is timely because I was looking through a few pictures of my son as I have decided to paint one of him.

And actually, I thought a lot about my value today and how much of it has been tied to my son. I asked myself when I was happiest in my life and I thought mostly of the times when my son was a baby. I think this is because he provided me with value or a purpose. He also provided me with an opportunity to experience unconditional love. I don't feel like I've experienced a lot of that and it's been a challenge not to take it personally.

I now understand that my mom was ill when I was a teenager (she became severely depressed after her and my father split up -I was 11) and she literally was not capable of parenting us in the way that we needed. So, it's easier for me to not take her behaviors personally.

But, I still struggle with my dad and his wife.

I got an e-mail message from my dad's wife (in response to my message about needing some space for a while) saying that she's still going to call and e-mail. She said she was going to do this because " ?cause I think it is important that you know that we care about you.".

I had a couple different reactions to her message:
"Does she even know what went on during my discussion with my dad?"
"I over reacted and I'm the one that is really distorted. I'm probably just making all this up"
"If they "care" about me then they sure have a sick way of showing it"
"Interesting that I e-mailed saying that I needed some space, but she's going to still contact me anyway"
"Why hasn't my dad contacted me at all?"

I feel frustrated because part of me knows what I know. Like they did and do what they did and do. It doesn't seem to me that their actions match their words.

Actually, her message triggers memories of other times when people have taken things from me, but told me that it was ok or that it was because they loved or cared about me.

Part of me feels like e-mailing back and asking her to expand on it. Kind of like I finally want to call them on their BS.

I'm sure all of this sounds very wacky or like I'm making it up...or making a big deal out of nothing. But, I think my recent interactions with them (in addition to the e-mail) has really triggered a lot for me about my relationship with them.

Ultimately, I'm trying to disengage in a well-worn and long-standing pattern with them. And either our relationship with re-define itself or it will end. I have a lot of mixed emotions, thoughts and memories about this.

 

[healthbound]

What is my value?

Your value is not defined in terms of your father's opinion of you or anyone else's. It is not defined by what you do or don't do.

It is defined by who you are and by the impact you have on other people who have the privilege of knowing you and interacting with you.

See this thread on Carl Rogers, especially the parts on unconditional positive self-regard versus conditions of worth.

I read the info on the link. I can definitely see how it relates to the experience I'm having. It reflects exactly what I'm going through. I'm going to do a bit more research/reading. Thanks for posting it.

 

[Halo]

Hi HB

I know that I have not gotten in on your posts and other replies but something that you posted really has hit home with me

I cognitively KNOW the risks of certain behaviors, but part of me doesn't care and continues to do them anyway. While another part of me cares about me and my body/mind/soul and wants to move through this.

I feel the exact same way. I can relate to almost everything that you posted about using alcohol and food as an escape from the feelings yet those things contribute to how I am feeling. On one hand I just don't care what happens to me and therefore will eat anything and everything in site and use alcohol and pills among other things to try to take the bad, hurt and sad feelings away. I have to admit that yes it does provide immediate relief of the feelings however afterwards the feelings always come back. I know for me the last 6 months or so I have pretty much given up on taking care of my physical self and my eating habits. I gave up because I really didn't see much point in taking care of myself if I didn't even want to live.

Anyway, I didn't want to make this about me but I just wanted you to know that I can completely understand and relate to almost every word that you wrote.

P.S. - I am glad that you called your therapist too. That is something that you did to take care of yourself.....good job.

Take Care and talk to you soon.

 

[healthbound]

Hi Nancy!

I'm notorious for posting my own experiences on other people's threads, so I encourage it ! When I read what you wrote, I felt a connection and therefor less alone.

Yes, this self destructive cycle of crap. Today, I woke up at 2pm. My house is a mess. I've gained another pound. And I have a physio appointment that I don't feel like going to (which will cost me money I don't have). BUT I am feeling better than I was yesterday. I still feel crummy, but I feel a little less crummy.

I want to pick one small thing that I can do today that will be good or healthy for me. Just one small thing. [long pause]
ok...I have it. I'm going to go to the library and read a chapter of my Constructive Living book (I was going to do this the other day, but didn't).

Then, later I will deal with the dishes and counter tops in my kitchen.

Two simple things that I know I can do and I know will help me feel better.

 

[Halo]

Hi Healthbound,

I have been reading your posts and I have to say that the last one from you sounded much more positive than the few before that. I think that having a plan of action on what you want and need to do is good. I hope that you went to the library and read and then took care of what needed to be done at home. I am glad that you are not feeling as crummy as of lately but I just wanted you to know that I am here for you and that I can relate.

And remember you are never alone.....as I am always here.

Take Care

 

[healthbound]

Thanks Nancy.

I saw my therapist today. I told her exactly how I was feeling. I also explained that I was nervous about this weekend because I'm supposed to go camping with some friends and I know there will be lots of drinking (which is what seems to give me the extra push towards acting on my 'plan').

We talked a lot about my dad and my relationship with him.

I am feeling better each day I get further away from Friday (which is when I was determined to take my life). Today was the first day that suicide wasn't forefront on my mind.

My therapist suggested I take something symbolic with me this weekend. So tonight, I'm creating a bracelet that I can wear.

 

[healthbound]

I spent last night creating a bracelet that I could wear this weekend. It will help me remember why I want to live.

I'm not feeling suicidal today. But, I did spend money I don't have. I didn't intend to either. I only needed to pick one thing up from the store, but instead ended up shopping all day long. I didn't realize it until I was on my way home what I had done.

I'm still obviously having some serious issues with impulse control. Brutal.

 

[Halo]

HB, I think that it is awesome that you made a bracelet to take with you. I remember you mentioning that yesterday on here and I have thought about doing something like that for myself, especially since I think that I am going away again soon for a quick road trip which turned bad last time.....such a good idea I just might have to steal it from you

When you talked about impulse control and shopping all day...I know that for me I tend to shop or gamble when I know that I can't afford it but I find that it is more to take my mind off of the difficulties I am having and to try and make myself feel better.

HB, please take care this weekend when you go camping and try to stay safe. I look forward to hearing all about it when you return and do try to have some fun too.

 

[Holly]

Hi healthbound,
I love the idea of bracelet, I glad you made it! We have to do something for ourselves more than we realize.
I hope you enjoy camping, have a wonderful time, HB Take care

 

[healthbound]

Thanks, guys. And, steal away, Nancy! It was actually a great thing to do.

When you talked about impulse control and shopping all day...I know that for me I tend to shop or gamble when I know that I can't afford it but I find that it is more to take my mind off of the difficulties I am having and to try and make myself feel better.

Ya, I'd say judging by my behavior, I'm struggling to stay connected to myself and my reality right now. Obviously, Friday night was a very extreme indication of that. Today was another indication, but obviously not as extreme.

Hm. I know from the past that when I actually allow myself to simply feel whatever I'm feeling, it's not as bad as part of me anticipates it will be. In fact, I usually feel much better when I'm feeling rather than avoiding.

Maybe I'll just tell myself that it's ok to feel what I'm feeling (Od geeze, I feel like Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live).

 

[healthbound]

I just went through all my receipts. I'm going to return as much of the stuff as possible tomorrow. Some of the stores say "exchange or credit note within 15 days...". But, I'll still call to see if they will do a return if the items have all the tags and are in perfect condition.

I feel like a total idiot.

This is SO backwards. I'm having major financial problems right now. Like, I-can't-afford-food-and-rent kind of problems. Yet, I went out and spent money I literally don't have on clothes and accessories. Like, I don't even have any place to wear the clothes --- I'M NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW AND I'M ISCOLATING.

What was I thinking?!

 

[healthbound]

It's 3:30am (actually it's now 4:30am) and I still can't sleep. I did take one ativan, but I guess I'm pretty wound up cause it didn't help.

I'm finding that when I'm not occupied my thoughts continuously revolve around the conversation I had with my dad a few weeks back.

At first, I feel really angry. Then I feel sad, but I can't really feel the sad for very long because it immediately turns into anger again. I feel anxious and I haven't felt anxiety for a good while now.

I am most angry that I'm letting this whole thing get to me so much.

I'm going to try to go back to bed. Either that, or find a Denny's and order a grand slam

 

[Halo]

Good Morning HB,

There is so much that I want to say so first off let me say that there is nothing wrong with returning items that you have not used as a result of overspending. I know myself I have done that many times when I realized that I overspent and didn't have money for the basics. There is nothing to be embarrassed or feel ashamed about it is just another awareness that you had (which is great!) but it was just a day late Hopefully next time you might catch yourself in this pattern during the shopping and realize it sooner. There is opportunity to learn and grow from this. I how for me that soooo many times I have been in that situtation myself but I find that for me it is with gambling and you can't go back to a Casino the next day and ask for a refund

Secondly, when I read about how the conversation with your dad keeps playing over and over in your mind like a tape (been there) my first suggestion was how about writing about exactly what you are feeling whether it be anger, frustration, disappointment, whatever. Also, what about if you wrote about what you wished you would have said/or he would have said and create a new dialogue. I don't know if this will work but sometimes (okay most times) I obsess over whether I said the right thing to someone and start replaying it over and over in my mind and creating different scenerios of what I "could" have said. Sometimes getting these on paper helps as then it does not become a revolving door in your own mind.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that again I can relate to a lot of what you are posting and going through and I am here for you anytime.

Please take care

 

[healthbound]

I how for me that soooo many times I have been in that situtation myself but I find that for me it is with gambling and you can't go back to a Casino the next day and ask for a refund

Yikes. That's about the only destructive behavior I haven't gotten into. I've avoided all Vegas trips through work or social because I'm nervous I might never leave. Regardless, there are some similarities between drinking, spending, gambling, self harm and or suicide. They are all avoidants and they're all harmful to those of us who are challenged with "balance" in any of these areas. I'm glad that I have an opportunity to take back much of the "stuff".

my first suggestion was how about writing about exactly what you are feeling whether it be anger, frustration, disappointment, whatever. Also, what about if you wrote about what you wished you would have said/or he would have said and create a new dialogue.

Great suggestions. I did just write a huge monologue but then decided to quarantine it because I felt guilty and confused afterwards. I find that I have so many mixed emotions about it that it's difficult to stay with my 'actual' thoughts and feelings (if that makes any sense). I'm sure my subconscious probably thinks it's doing me a favour by creating confusion so that I don't stay with how I'm really feeling for too long I guess this crap goes a long way back.

...when I read about how the conversation with your dad keeps playing over and over in your mind like a tape...

Actually, that's kind of what PTSD felt like after my sister died. Hm.

Another interesting thing I discussed with my therapist was what triggered my "suicidalness" on Friday night. Until I had seen her, I hadn't even considered that there was a trigger, but when she began asking me about when I suddenly felt suicidal, I realized that there was an obvious trigger.

Regardless, it's certainly annoying that I feel like I can't "shake" it. Grrrr. It's starting to get light out and I'm seriously considering going for breakfast. Too bad you don't live near by...we could go for pancakes!

I do feel like I should get some sleep though. I feel like I need to be well rested so I can make good decisions on this damn camping trip. Although, if I go to sleep now, I might not wake up in time to get everything done blah blah blah. buzzzzzzz. That's how I feel ....buzzzzzing.

I'll try sleeping first. If I don't have any luck...then, pancakes, it is!

Thanks for chatting.