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Rodeogal

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Help! I feel like I'm about to crack!

He knows I do not love him and he knows I'm going for counselling, yet he keeps me up until 2 and 3am asking why and wanting me to have sex with him. I know he is hurting and I know he needs to talk but this is affecting my work and during his talks he says hurtful things. I get so stressed out that I feel like my heart will explode from beating so hard.

He always picks a weeknight to do this to me and it's usually around 11pm just before I go to bed. He does not want to let me go to bed until he has talked for 4 hours straight. He barely lets me speak a word so I've given up trying to. I can't take this from him anymore! I've tried to ignore him and tell him flat out that I won't let him do this anymore but he will physically sit on me until I sit there and listen. Is that some form of harassment?

His conversation is a broken record. The same thing everytime. He is seeing a counsellor but I doubt it is helping.
 

Rodeogal

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Joined
Sep 9, 2005
Messages
22
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1
Help! I feel like I'm about to crack!

He knows I do not love him and he knows I'm going for counselling, yet he keeps me up until 2 and 3am asking why and wanting me to have sex with him. I know he is hurting and I know he needs to talk but this is affecting my work and during his talks he says hurtful things. I get so stressed out that I feel like my heart will explode from beating so hard.

He always picks a weeknight to do this to me and it's usually around 11pm just before I go to bed. He does not want to let me go to bed until he has talked for 4 hours straight. He barely lets me speak a word so I've given up trying to. I can't take this from him anymore! I've tried to ignore him and tell him flat out that I won't let him do this anymore but he will physically sit on me until I sit there and listen. Is that some form of harassment?

His conversation is a broken record. The same thing everytime. He is seeing a counsellor but I doubt it is helping.
 

Retired

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He knows I do not love him and he knows I'm going for counselling....yet he keeps me up until 2 and 3am asking why and wanting me to have sex with him

Why do you continue living together when you find the situation so distasteful? Are you planning for reconciliation?
 

Retired

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He knows I do not love him and he knows I'm going for counselling....yet he keeps me up until 2 and 3am asking why and wanting me to have sex with him

Why do you continue living together when you find the situation so distasteful? Are you planning for reconciliation?
 

Rodeogal

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No... I am seeing a counsellor and I am planning to leave. I just have a fear of leaving because of the impact it will have on the children. My partner uses that a lot in his conversation to make me feel guilty or hurt me or try to get me to stay.

I have another appointment with my counsellor today. I can't wait... I have so much I need to ask and talk about. I am so stressed.
 

Rodeogal

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No... I am seeing a counsellor and I am planning to leave. I just have a fear of leaving because of the impact it will have on the children. My partner uses that a lot in his conversation to make me feel guilty or hurt me or try to get me to stay.

I have another appointment with my counsellor today. I can't wait... I have so much I need to ask and talk about. I am so stressed.
 

Retired

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Have you had a conversation with your children to let them know they are not the ones at fault for Mommy and Daddy no longer getting along?

Have you had a conversation with your partner to lay the groundwork for separation?

..and when that conversation takes place, you might consider setting some ground rules with regard to requests for sex and each of you having your own privacy..and arrange separate sleeping quarters.

If separation is your desire and if all possibility for reconciliation has failed, then negotiations might begin toward your respective independence..which includes separate sleeping quarters, child support and visitation agreements.
 

Retired

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Have you had a conversation with your children to let them know they are not the ones at fault for Mommy and Daddy no longer getting along?

Have you had a conversation with your partner to lay the groundwork for separation?

..and when that conversation takes place, you might consider setting some ground rules with regard to requests for sex and each of you having your own privacy..and arrange separate sleeping quarters.

If separation is your desire and if all possibility for reconciliation has failed, then negotiations might begin toward your respective independence..which includes separate sleeping quarters, child support and visitation agreements.
 

ThatLady

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If he physically sits on you to keep you where he can barrage you with unwanted conversation, this is abuse. Nobody has the right to impose their wishes on another person through physical means. It's that simple.

What's the holdup in leaving? If it's the children, in my opinion they're being far more negatively affected by the tension and misery in the household than they would be by moving to a less stressful environment. They will have issues to deal with, yes. However, you can help them through those issues, in conjunction with your therapist.

Putting off the inevitable is not making the situation easier. It's making it more difficult.
 

ThatLady

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If he physically sits on you to keep you where he can barrage you with unwanted conversation, this is abuse. Nobody has the right to impose their wishes on another person through physical means. It's that simple.

What's the holdup in leaving? If it's the children, in my opinion they're being far more negatively affected by the tension and misery in the household than they would be by moving to a less stressful environment. They will have issues to deal with, yes. However, you can help them through those issues, in conjunction with your therapist.

Putting off the inevitable is not making the situation easier. It's making it more difficult.
 

Rodeogal

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Messages
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TSOW

We've been sleeping seperately for over five years now. The reason was that my partner likes to chain smoke and watch t.v. before he falls asleep. When our son was born, I layed the ground rules that there would be no smoking in the bedroom or anywhere in the house for that matter except for one small area in the basement. He put a t.v. there and a sofa bed and has been sleep there ever since. There is also the fact that he had poor hygiene... didn't shower after coming home from the barn, did not take care of his teeth properly...

The background is extremely long on this. He was never home for over six years, got up at 11am to work (I would already be gone to the office and I would drop off the kids at the sitter in the morning). I would come home in the evening, pick up the kids at the sitters and then make dinner and get the kids off to bed. My partner would be at the barn until 11pm or midnight and never saw myself or the kids all week. (He ran a riding stable) On the weekends, I would have to go to the barn to actually see him. He was there from 8am to about 10pm at night.

Now, two years ago, I decided to start doing some things for myself again, like getting together with a friend, taking dancing lessons. I started discovering that there were other things out there other than the usual going to the office, taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, do the gardening and also repairs in the house.

Last January, he decided that it was time for us to spend time together as a couple. So he wanted to sleep in the bed with me. But after so many years of me taking care of the house and being alone, I sort of resented him. I have no love for him. His values are really not the same as mine and I've been totally unhappy since I moved in with him.

I got in this relationship a little too quickly and I realized that after I got pregnant and moved in with him. My daughter was from a previous marriage and I didn't want to put her through another stressful situation.

All that said, the reason for seeing my counsellor is to give me a boost of confidence to leave.

The conversation with the kids would be kind of a mute point as this is the way it has always been.

As far as speaking with him... he wants more custody of his son and my daughter than I feel he deserves.

He feels that I'm the one in the wrong breaking up the family. I'm not doing what's best for the children, and I'm not a good mother for doing this and so on... It's making me feel terribly guilty. My counsellor says it's manipulation on his part to stall me from leaving. He likes to confuse me by contradicting and denying what he has said in the past.

He even stated to me that as long as I am in that house, I should act as his wife and that includes having sex. :(
 

Rodeogal

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Joined
Sep 9, 2005
Messages
22
Points
1
TSOW

We've been sleeping seperately for over five years now. The reason was that my partner likes to chain smoke and watch t.v. before he falls asleep. When our son was born, I layed the ground rules that there would be no smoking in the bedroom or anywhere in the house for that matter except for one small area in the basement. He put a t.v. there and a sofa bed and has been sleep there ever since. There is also the fact that he had poor hygiene... didn't shower after coming home from the barn, did not take care of his teeth properly...

The background is extremely long on this. He was never home for over six years, got up at 11am to work (I would already be gone to the office and I would drop off the kids at the sitter in the morning). I would come home in the evening, pick up the kids at the sitters and then make dinner and get the kids off to bed. My partner would be at the barn until 11pm or midnight and never saw myself or the kids all week. (He ran a riding stable) On the weekends, I would have to go to the barn to actually see him. He was there from 8am to about 10pm at night.

Now, two years ago, I decided to start doing some things for myself again, like getting together with a friend, taking dancing lessons. I started discovering that there were other things out there other than the usual going to the office, taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, do the gardening and also repairs in the house.

Last January, he decided that it was time for us to spend time together as a couple. So he wanted to sleep in the bed with me. But after so many years of me taking care of the house and being alone, I sort of resented him. I have no love for him. His values are really not the same as mine and I've been totally unhappy since I moved in with him.

I got in this relationship a little too quickly and I realized that after I got pregnant and moved in with him. My daughter was from a previous marriage and I didn't want to put her through another stressful situation.

All that said, the reason for seeing my counsellor is to give me a boost of confidence to leave.

The conversation with the kids would be kind of a mute point as this is the way it has always been.

As far as speaking with him... he wants more custody of his son and my daughter than I feel he deserves.

He feels that I'm the one in the wrong breaking up the family. I'm not doing what's best for the children, and I'm not a good mother for doing this and so on... It's making me feel terribly guilty. My counsellor says it's manipulation on his part to stall me from leaving. He likes to confuse me by contradicting and denying what he has said in the past.

He even stated to me that as long as I am in that house, I should act as his wife and that includes having sex. :(
 

Rodeogal

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Sep 9, 2005
Messages
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1
ThatLady,

I totally agree with you. This is what my therapist is trying to make me understand. I am slowly accepting this. I don't know what makes me scared of leaving... Maybe being seen as a failure in the eyes of the kids.

I am seeking legal advice as to what custody he would be entitled to.

I want to leave ASAP.
 

Rodeogal

Member
Joined
Sep 9, 2005
Messages
22
Points
1
ThatLady,

I totally agree with you. This is what my therapist is trying to make me understand. I am slowly accepting this. I don't know what makes me scared of leaving... Maybe being seen as a failure in the eyes of the kids.

I am seeking legal advice as to what custody he would be entitled to.

I want to leave ASAP.
 

Retired

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Messages
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Maybe being seen as a failure in the eyes of the kids

The way I see it, one thing has little to do with the other. A relationship between partners that fails is an independent issue from the relationship with one's children.

People grow apart for a variety of reasons, and sometimes these reasons are irreconcilable. The only solution is to get out of the relationship.

If the relationship produced children, then the children

  • should not be made the scapegoat or the pawns in the breakup

    should be re assured they understand they are not responsible for the break up

    should be the priority for each partner to assure they receive love and support[/list:u]

    IMO a parent is judged by their children by the way the parent interacts with them, dealing with them honestly, with respect and love and doing things that are in their best interests.

    Do you have a family support system and/or financial resources to assert your independence to start a new life, if you choose to do so?
 

Retired

Member
Joined
Aug 17, 2005
Messages
8,966
Points
36
Maybe being seen as a failure in the eyes of the kids

The way I see it, one thing has little to do with the other. A relationship between partners that fails is an independent issue from the relationship with one's children.

People grow apart for a variety of reasons, and sometimes these reasons are irreconcilable. The only solution is to get out of the relationship.

If the relationship produced children, then the children

  • should not be made the scapegoat or the pawns in the breakup

    should be re assured they understand they are not responsible for the break up

    should be the priority for each partner to assure they receive love and support[/list:u]

    IMO a parent is judged by their children by the way the parent interacts with them, dealing with them honestly, with respect and love and doing things that are in their best interests.

    Do you have a family support system and/or financial resources to assert your independence to start a new life, if you choose to do so?
 

Rodeogal

Member
Joined
Sep 9, 2005
Messages
22
Points
1
TSOW

I do have support from my family. My mother offered for me to stay at her house until I can get my finances together to get a new place. I don't have money for a lawyer though, unless a lawyer would be willing to take monthly payments.

Another question... How does one deal with common law? We were never married. My daughter is not his, my son is though.
 

Rodeogal

Member
Joined
Sep 9, 2005
Messages
22
Points
1
TSOW

I do have support from my family. My mother offered for me to stay at her house until I can get my finances together to get a new place. I don't have money for a lawyer though, unless a lawyer would be willing to take monthly payments.

Another question... How does one deal with common law? We were never married. My daughter is not his, my son is though.
 

David Baxter

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Messages
37,370
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In Ontario, if you have been common law for at least a year, I believe most issues are treated the same as if you had been married. You don't need a divorce but either party may be able to claim a share of assets, etc.
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
37,370
Points
63
In Ontario, if you have been common law for at least a year, I believe most issues are treated the same as if you had been married. You don't need a divorce but either party may be able to claim a share of assets, etc.
 

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