Why do I do this to myself?

[Peanut]

Hey gooblax, try not to be so hard on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. I seriously wouldn't worry about the editing, it's really no big deal. Look at all the people who are trying to help you here and focus on that. Everyone is over critical of themselves, but that doesn't necessarily mean that other people are holding you to the same impossible standard you are holding yourself to. Give yourself a little slack. I always think it's ok to think about what went wrong, maybe analyze it, then move on...dwelling never helps anyone feel better. Moral of the story: don't sweat the small stuff, it will all come out in the wash anyway.

 

[gooblax]

Unfortunately for everyone reading this, I'm still around for the moment.

Just wanted to say that I gave a list about my altering feelings to my therapist, who read through them, asked a few questions and made some suggestions and comments, suggested that I look into antidepressants, and then got on with what she had planned to do (early memories and family stuff).

Anyway, thanks Dr Baxter, ladybug and Arose.

 

[forgetremember]

"The world doesn't revolve around you."
I hear that from my parents on almost a weekly basis. The reason being that I am selfish - I don't help with things, don't do dishes, don't cook meals etc. I feel no desire to help with those things, and usually decide that I have schoolwork to be doing instead (but don't often end up doing that, now). I don't seem to be capable of sympathy, to my knowledge. Or if I do, I don't recognise it well. I don't feel as if I care about others, despite realising that I should. I feel guilty for not sympathising, but that's as close as I seem to get. And I suppose that's one thing that brings on the self-criticism - I'm selfish.

Hi Gooblax! I think the world DOES revolve around you. Think about it. Often times, folks will throw the clich? "the world doesn't revolve around you" as a shut up treatment. My hope is that you become thick skinned in a constructive way albeit your self-beating is a continuum of whatever maltreatment you've been exposed to thus far in perhaps a miserable attempt at becoming "tough" so as not to feel pain. Being tough as tanned leather will keep the world out, the good and the bad, whereas becoming "thick skinned" as per David's post "Becoming Thick Skinned" allows you to take in the good and bounce off the bad. Worth the read and please stick around this/our community of high Emotional Quotient folks.

Blessings,

Jos?e

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Unfortunately for everyone reading this, I'm still around for the moment.

I would say that's fortunate, not unfortunate.

Just wanted to say that I gave a list about my altering feelings to my therapist, who read through them, asked a few questions and made some suggestions and comments, suggested that I look into antidepressants, and then got on with what she had planned to do (early memories and family stuff).

How did you feel about the reaction of your therapist?

 

[gooblax]

Thanks Jos?e - I liked your explanation, not least because it reminds me of the osmotic membranes that I'm studying in chemistry. (I have a bad habit of relating everything to schoolwork, especially science, so I won't go into a detailed explanation of that...)

In regards to my therapist's response, I felt it was alright, but I'm worried that my list sounded too serious or was accidentally exaggerated. I should have said the relative strengths of each mood in different situations (even though I have trouble judging that) because I don't have any idea what normally constitutes any of that. (eg. how sad is "sad"? Even if it changes at different times, or feels dull but still sort of there... I can't rate it on a scale, because I don't know how to compare it, and in comparison to someone else, what I've described as "sad" would be their version of elation if they have real problems...) Anyway, the therapist's response may have been appropriate for her definitions of the words I provided her with, but I don't even know what my definitions are, or what the appropriate response would be to them, even if I could express myself properly (or without unintentionally exaggerating, at least).

 

[Mari]

H! I often think that there needs to be a system for measuring an individuals pain level whether it is physical, mental, or emotional. Every person is different and responds individually to the particular situation. It would help me a lot if I could explain my level of distress better but I try not to think or feel that I am inadequate because someone else doesn't understand. Somehow we just have to keep trying. :heart: Mari

 

[gooblax]

*nods* I know someone who believes that everyone will instinctively rate their "most distressing" experience at a specific number out of 10, and has developed a reason for this (since he doesn't agree with the academically proposed reasons). If everyone's going to rate their experiences as the same number, then obviously there's some internal moderation that stuffs things up for "scale of 1 to 10" ratings. I swear, feelings are impossible!

 

[forgetremember]

Thanks Jos?e - I liked your explanation, not least because it reminds me of the osmotic membranes that I'm studying in chemistry. (I have a bad habit of relating everything to schoolwork, especially science, so I won't go into a detailed explanation of that...)

Glad you liked my metaphor Gooblax. I have a visual brain so i hope i painted a clear picture. Hope you find some eye-opening info reading David's post "Becoming Thick Skinned".

In regards to my therapist's response, I felt it was alright, but I'm worried that my list sounded too serious or was accidentally exaggerated. I should have said the relative strengths of each mood in different situations (even though I have trouble judging that) because I don't have any idea what normally constitutes any of that. (eg. how sad is "sad"? Even if it changes at different times, or feels dull but still sort of there... I can't rate it on a scale, because I don't know how to compare it, and in comparison to someone else, what I've described as "sad" would be their version of elation if they have real problems...) Anyway, the therapist's response may have been appropriate for her definitions of the words I provided her with, but I don't even know what my definitions are, or what the appropriate response would be to them, even if I could express myself properly (or without unintentionally exaggerating, at least).

If your therapist didn't ask for a rating, why worry about it? I find this rating approach confusing myself. If i must rate my feelings on a scale of 1 to 10, i do so in relation to the intensity of previously experienced emotions i've had at any point in time throughout my life. I avoid the self-conscious rut of trying to answer in comparison to "the norm". What is normal! Imho, therapy is subjective...in other words, "it's all about YOU", not Tom Dick and Harriette.

Blessings,

Jos?e

 

[gooblax]

Well, I'm sick of me. I don't trust myself, I'm not doing anything to help myself, I'm just looking for answers and solutions from other people. I know I'm not going to get that, but I still keep trying for it. In these circumstances, therapy doesn't have a chance. Even if I was somehow magically able to find out what my actual concern is, I'd be looking for someone else to fix it for me. I won't try to help myself. With that attitude, I'm getting nowhere, and never will.

Thanks Josée... but... yeah.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not doing anything to help myself, I'm just looking for answers and solutions from other people.

Actually, that IS doing something to help yourself. That's what most of us do when wqe have a problem or a decision to make.

In these circumstances, therapy doesn't have a chance. Even if I was somehow magically able to find out what my actual concern is, I'd be looking for someone else to fix it for me. I won't try to help myself. With that attitude, I'm getting nowhere, and never will.

Again, that's why people go to therapy... to get help in identifying goals and problems or issues and to have the therapist guide you in trying to "fix" or address those identified issues.

The real attitude you need to worry about - and this may be your first priority in therapy - is your automatic reaction of negativity, pessimism, and defeatism. It comes through in pretty much every one of your posts.

Were you able to find a copy of the David Burns book I mentioned? I'd be surprised if your local library or bookstore doesn't have it but I'm also sure you could pick one up at Amazon or eBay.

 

[gooblax]

Actually, that IS doing something to help yourself. That's what most of us do when wqe have a problem or a decision to make.

However, the result of asking others is supposed to be the formation of one's own ideas. Others can't just hand me an answer, especially when I don't even know the question. Therapy may provide guidance, but the rest is up to the individual. In my case, the individual is not sufficient. I don't seem to be willing to make changes, or put in any sort of effort - I appear to be too glad to have an attitude of "oh poor me, let's sit here complaining while doing absolutely nothing to change anything."

To be honest, I haven't tried to find the book. I never go shopping, or to the library, and I don't have a credit card to order one online. I would have to ask my mother to find the book for me (lazy, huh?), but I don't want to bring up the subject with her. Just one example of how little I do to try to help myself. (Also, I don't have much patience with CBT stuff when I'm actually thinking about things...)

But thanks anyway.

 

[forgetremember]

Hey Gooblax, you sound depressed. When i hit the dips on the roller-coaster of life, i change gears so i don't break down. If you ever drove a stick shift motor vehicle in the wrong gear going up or down steep hills, you learn by the noise the transmission makes that you need to shift.

I compare my body and mind to a motorized vehicle. When my thoughts are racing, I shift to physical activities (exercise regimen) and avoid junk food and toxic people (including my family at times) until my brain gets into the correct gear and i feel the juice (motivation) circulating through my body and soul.

When more complex problems arise and my backyard mechanics don't work, i take my machine to the pros.

Take care,

Jos?e

 

[gooblax]

But to continue your metaphor, my particular 'motor vehicle' is still completely roadworthy. Why bother the pros with my small dent in a side-panel when others have leaks in the cooler piping, a shattered windshield, or crumpled hood? And economically, it's not viable to try fixing a cheap rubbish model. Everyone's more interested in the Ferrari or Lexus - they're the ones worth getting repaired.

But here I go, yet again, making arguments to support my inaction, rather than accepting a point as applicable in my situation.

I'm sorry everyone. I don't think I have any right to say anything until I'm prepred to do something.

 

[forgetremember]

Hey Gooblax, glad to hear it's just a dent. It's what's under the hood and what goes into the gas tank that matters.

I'm driving through the Rocky Mountains at this time of year... I hope to reach the Pacific Ocean safely. Done the trip before...it's breath taking!

Keep on trucking,

Jos?e

 

[Into The Light]

I don't think I have any right to say anything until I'm prepred to do something.

can you explain why you think this?

it seems to me that sometimes we need a bit of time to work things out for ourselves before we are ready to take action. part of working things out is talking to others.

i think you want to do something about what's going on with you, but maybe you don't know how, or maybe you're afraid. or maybe, despite wanting to do something about it, it's still easier to just not do anything. that's how it works with depression. it's easier to "give up" than to work at it, as many of us here can attest to. does that make you a horrible person if this is what's keeping you from taking action? not at all. it makes you a human being like the rest of us.

 

[gooblax]

The expression of negative feelings means nothing if the subject of the complaint is not going to change. In this case, I appear to be the subject of the complaint, and therefore if I do not change, then there is no point in continued whinging. So if I (the one presenting the complaint) have it in my power to alleviate the perceived problem, yet choose (for whatever reason) not to do so, all the while still complaining... no one needs people like that in the world.

Maybe I do want to do something about myself - but if I actually did want to, then I think I would have already tried. Since I have not been trying to any substantial degree, then I must not want to change all that much.

I don't know why I have not been taking action, but lazyness seems to be the best explanation. For example: I'll read a self-help text if it's shoved in front of me, but if I have to make the slightest effort (eg. find that David Burns book), I don't do it. At least other people would try. I just try people's patience, until they realise that I'm not worth the effort.

Thanks ladybug and Jos?e.

 

[forgetremember]

Gooblax, if your "lazyness" is not causing you or others to suffer, you are free to park your car in your own garage.

I'm a firm believer that "if it ain't broken, don't fix it". Imho, lazyness proper is not a mental health problem, but a learnt behavior. Behind every lazy person there are always enablers which establishes a co-dependent dynamic.

I have met my share of lazy people and i don't expect them to be just like me. Since i like to keep busy, i wouldn't want anyone stopping my mobility just as a lazy person doesn't want others forcing them to take the high road (unless he or she is illegally parked).

Again, my emphasis is on whether the "inactivity" is causing suffering. If it doesn't, no problem; if it does, the complainant(s) will eventually take action; it's called survival.

If i practice giving free rides to anyone able to walk, they might get too fat and become handicapped which would make me partly responsible for creating a disability and partly responsible for fixing it.

Live and let live!

Jos?e

 

[gooblax]

Thanks Josée.
Well, I'm certainly not pleased with myself being lazy.

In another (just as pathetic) thread on this forum, I've stated how I've stopped doing schoolwork, or study. I got my worst exam results in the past three years (I can't recall what I used to get before that), my ranking in the class has dropped (from first or second in most of my subjects). My parents have been hassling me about the work I should be doing, the work I know I could do if I'd try, the work that I had been doing before but just can't make myself do anymore.

I hate myself. When I started feeling 'less-than-happy,' I thought everything would be okay, and it didn't matter as long as I kept going alright at school. As long as I kept working to my standards, then feelings didn't matter. They could be dealt with during the holidays, or on days that I don't have work to do. I never used to have to deal with emotions - never even had to think about them. But now I can't even do my homework, because I'm so lazy that I don't try to do it. I'm not bored with the work - I actually find some of it quite interesting. Yet I still won't do it. However, in exams, I can make myself work, even if I get worse results becuase I haven't done enough study. So I'm obviously not trying at all.

This laziness is something that I need to fix... am I too lazy to fix it? Probably.

 

[Into The Light]

i see you constantly putting yourself down. you keep calling yourself lazy and pathetic. i think that by putting yourself down you are hoping to motivate yourself into action, to do better, but it's simply not working. instead it's just making you feel worse.

it makes sense when you think about it. if someone else is constantly telling you you're no good, lazy, and pathetic, do you think you will feel good about that and then as a result change your behaviour? no, if someone else is constantly telling you how awful you are, you're going to feel badly. when you feel badly, why would you want to do anything?

i have typically found that once i start to feel better about myself that i then am much more motivated to improve myself or to do better in certain areas of my life. i then have positive energy! it's much easier to do well at studying and exams when all is well.

continuing to tell yourself how lazy you are and how pathetic you are is only going to be counterproductive. here's something you can try. take a pen and paper, and write down ten times in a row something positive about yourself. do this maybe first thing in the morning, once in the day and once at night. even if you don't believe this nice thing. do this for two weeks and see how you feel then. maybe what you write down is "i am a smart person" - something you clearly are because you relate things to science (and never mind all the negativity you seem to get from your friends each time you relate something to science, because it's just not their thing. there are plenty of people out there who like that sort of thing, you just haven't met them yet).

i hope this wasn't too long a post but i just had a lot of things that came to mind. give the positive writing exercise a try.

 

[gooblax]

I'm not smart, I just used to do okay in exams. Then I have no imagination outside school, so things just naturally relate to it.

But thanks ladybug. I'll attempt to try to do that, if I can think of anything positive about myself.