Why do I do this to myself?

[gooblax]

Hmm. *hugs*

I'm feeling particularly unimportant and inconsequential, and that I shouldn't be whinging. What could be considered to be my issues are negligible compared to others' - kind of like how the mass of an electron is negligible when measuring atomic weight. So I might have a couple of electrons, but other people have extra neutrons and protons (which are approximately 1800 times larger) to deal with. (I'd thought of that earlier, but it sounded better then...) Anything that I might want to have support with isn't worth saying.

are these posts helping you at all?

I think so - I can see where I'm at with that microscope lens thing: using any other lens, I think that any person would be able to look at the cells and see exactly the same thing as I can see with my lens. If they see anything different, then it's a problem with the accuracy of their equipment, not mine.

I really don't feel that I should post this, but it looks like the selfish baby strikes again. Thanks for putting up with me so far.

 

[Into The Light]

Hmm. *hugs*

thanks

I'm feeling particularly unimportant and inconsequential, and that I shouldn't be whinging.

has anything happened to make you feel this way at this moment?

What could be considered to be my issues are negligible compared to others'

what do you think your issues might be, and what do you think others' issues are?

- kind of like how the mass of an electron is negligible when measuring atomic weight. So I might have a couple of electrons, but other people have extra neutrons and protons (which are approximately 1800 times larger) to deal with. (I'd thought of that earlier, but it sounded better then...) Anything that I might want to have support with isn't worth saying.

no matter how small those electrons are, they still do exist and they still do have an effect on everything around them. they still have the power to create a positive or a negative charge, or to cancel out a positive or negative charge. they might be tiny, and in relative terms be negligible, but the more you have the more they add up. in absolute terms they cannot be ignored.

you know, a happier you would result in happier parents and happier friends. a happier you means you can support those who might be having a more difficult time. changing the number of those electrons could reduce the strength of that negative charge you are stuck with right now, and it would not only benefit you but those you care about as well.

I think so - I can see where I'm at with that microscope lens thing: using any other lens, I think that any person would be able to look at the cells and see exactly the same thing as I can see with my lens. If they see anything different, then it's a problem with the accuracy of their equipment, not mine.

there's the rationalization that i talked about, anything to conclude that your lens is fine and doesn't need fixing. it's not just me that sees your lens is faulty. others who have responded to your posts see it too. i've had that very same lens you are using right now. it took me a while but i realized the lens was useless. eventually you will too.

 

[gooblax]

has anything happened to make you feel this way at this moment?

I'm not entirely sure. It might be the whole 'guilt thing' building up.

I've been deciding whether or not to put in a scholarship application for uni (which gets considered based upon results and leadership stuff). I haven't done much leadership stuff, so that's quite shaky ground already. My results might have been alright earlier, but I've screwed things up in this half of the year. So now I'm relying on how I do in the final exams - and from how I've been doing recently, I won't have a chance. The application is due by this Thursday, after having been open for a couple of months.

Finally, I convinced myself that I might as well try, so I spoke to the careers advisor at school. (I get quite intimidated talking to people I don't know, so that was a bit difficult.) I asked her about the scholarships, she said I'd have to get the forms online, asked why I wanted a hard-copy, why I hadn't applied for any, and what sort of mark I'm going to get, all the while complaining that everyone had left things so late. I find it rather difficult to explain to people that the marks I may get in exams in the future (and even those in the recent past) could be completely different to what I was getting earlier in the year (and in the years before that). There's even a look that people make, where they take longer when they blink and tilt their head very slightly to the side... like "shut up, you know you'll do well"... when I don't know that at all. But that was managable, until she gave the little 'guilt barb' a tweak - "You know, I had all this information out weeks ago... so people wouldn't miss out on the opportunity." Instantly, I began to feel sad (had to make sure I wasn't going to cry), then became angry at myself for feeling sad.

I think it might have just followed from that, but I dunno. (Notice how it takes me half a page to get to the dratted point? *sigh*)

what do you think your issues might be, and what do you think others' issues are?

I think all my so-called issues can be summarised as a lack of self-control. Others have real issues: think of any situation that could cause any distress, and that's an example.

I'm crap at being helpful, and most of the time I'm too selfish to bother. Whether I'm happy or not, I don't think that will change, so it's quite fitting that I be punished for it.

Well, thanks ladybug.

I saw my therapist today, and the third question she asked was "How's the study going?" Is school all that anyone can think of? Considering that each time she's asked me about study recently, I've told her that I haven't been doing much... Then if I appear stressed or something, my friends ask if it's about school. Like that's the only damn thing in life. Sure, I don't have a life outside school, but damn... I don't even think about school much anymore (other than "wow, I should be doing stuff").

I found out what my therapist thinks that I should be getting out of therapy, though. She reckons that she's establishing a relationship between us before getting on to helping change things. She asked whether I had any feelings towards the sessions - to put it bluntly, I don't. I don't dislike them, but I don't like them either; I don't dread them, I don't look forward to them. So whatever 'relationship' she's trying to establish (over 10 sessions now) hasn't worked. Then she told me that she thinks that it is because I have the attitude of not wanting things to be different: ie.

I am the problem and could change things if I wanted to. But I don't want to, not really. If I did, I wouldn't be trying to make myself miserable, would I?

So, not only am I complaining about a couple of electrons, I'm holding onto these electrons like helium (2 electrons making a full outer-shell, which is why it's stable and unreactive).

****ing pathetic piece of ****.

Yet another edit: Okay, my mood has changed again (some consistency would be nice). Now I'm feeling kind of restless and impulsive. It scares me when I feel like this. It's when my thoughts about suicide seem the most real, or at least thinking about finding something to knock myself out for a couple of hours. But I never do anything, so what am I afraid of? I dunno. I hate this so much... I don't know if I can deal with it now.

 

[Into The Light]

I think all my so-called issues can be summarised as a lack of self-control. Others have real issues: think of any situation that could cause any distress, and that's an example.

you cannot tell me you have no issues and that you are not in distress.

It's when my thoughts about suicide seem the most real, or at least thinking about finding something to knock myself out for a couple of hours.

this is a very serious sign of distress, and it's distress that you can't solve on your own. my question to you is this: do you want to stop feeling the way you are or do you want to continue on as you have been?

 

[gooblax]

I want to stop feeling like this.

 

[Into The Light]

:hug: gooblax, you're suffering, and my heart truly goes out to you. you're in pain, but it doesn't have to stay this way. there is help available to you if you want it. what you do with it is up to you.

 

[gooblax]

Thanks Ladybug. I guess what I really have to do is figure out how to make use of the available help. Thankyou.

 

[Into The Light]

any time, gooblax. we're here if you need us. :hug: