A bit of a cry for help

[Techie]

Hi everybody... I am at a point where I need to reach out again to somebody... I am obviously feeling very low and desperate again.

I am sorry if this is sounding like a bit of self pity, but I think I need just a little bit ! I think this is going to be a bit long and disjointed as well (just a warning !)

Since I visit here infrequently many will not know my history while others will (and hopefully you can forgive me for repeating yet again) but I have PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as having been recently diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

My emotional roller-coaster is ongoing... therapy for me (with a therapist I was very happy with) has come to a stand-still... I just don’t 'feel' much like talking. I feel resigned to defeat. My physical problems have just added to the whole problem.

I am on drug therapy (Avonex) for the Multiple Sclerosis, which leaves me feeling very 'flu-like' for a couple of days each week after my injection... but the 'normal' MS symptoms bother me a lot too. I have a CONSTANT high-order headache (many times worse than a migraine... believe me I would WELCOME the pain of a migraine over this headache !) with muscle spasms that radiate up my neck into the base of my skull and my jaw muscles are really tight. NOTHING helps it.

My neuro said I need to avoid steroid therapy for all but the worst MS attacks because both my parents were diabetic and with me being overweight I have a high chance of becoming diabetic from the steroid therapy... I therefore have to suffer the pain it seems.

My vision is frequently blurry in my right eye... (damned MS hit my 'good' eye, don’t know why it could not have taken out my bad eye !)... my face is always numb to the point of painful and my right arm is so weak that my 4 1/2 year old is almost stronger than I am. Today I tried to put 4 screws into my wife’s desk drawers for her and it was like they were 12 feet long and 3 feet across it was so hard !

I cant work... my typing speed (I work with computers) has dropped to about 20 words per minute with a high error rate... my bad eyesight makes my headaches worse from looking at the screen and working (or playing) on computers was the one last 'thing' I had left... my one escape I had left. Now I have a hard time reading the screen... I cant even read books anymore that well.

It has only been a few months since my first MS attack and it has already affected my life profoundly when it normally takes many years. Its just the first attack has hit me exactly where it hurt the most !

I cant sleep anymore (combination of the headaches and insomnia). I have to take double doses of sleeping pills to get ANY sleep... and I know I CANT do that too often so I only do that every once in a while when I just cant function any more.

My last MRI showed that I most likely will need surgery on my spine in my neck because of a bone protrusion into the spinal cord area... its pressing in on the cord and is probably aggravating my whole condition.

I have kidney stones AGAIN (fourth time) and will need surgery again on that.

I don’t know if its the MS causing this new problem as well but my hearing seems HYPER-ACUTE. I mean the SLIGHTEST little sound when I am trying to sleep is like a gun-shot... it instantly wakes me to full alertness. Even my own breathing sounds like a jet engine !

I know the MS can affect cognitive function so I don’t even know if this stuff is all related to it... but I know my memory is totally SHOT. I will talk to a client and the next day have total AMNESIA about it... even if I write it down ! I just cant recall the conversation details... my boss is really understanding (a good friend of mine) and we sort of laugh about my memory being so bad... but he will try to remind me of a conversation and I just stand there and look at him like he has just told me that we live on Jupiter and we all live under water !

On top of it all I cant seem to look to my wife for support... I feel almost scared to. (Was like this before the MS as well).

Night-time (bedtime) causes a LOT of anxiety for me... a lay there and I start to feel almost paranoid... and this causes triggers for me (I think... I feel confused). I don’t know what it is about going to bed but I FIGHT it...I get anxious, angry then if I lay down the paranoid (unsafe) feelings start. This makes me get up and stay awake all night. Its only when my wife is gone to work and the house is empty that I can go to bed and sleep.

I think there is a lot of fear of getting close to my wife (intimacy makes me anxious and triggers flashbacks now... new thing for me...) Another part of me has learned to 'avoid' emotional intimacy with her because I had to learn to 'turn-it-off' while she was pregnant with our son (she was sick morning-noon-and night from day of conception until three days after giving birth). Since we were only married two months before she fell pregnant I withdrew into myself out of hurt. (Somebody has already pointed out the fact that this was not her fault... and I KNOW this... but it still hurt non-the-less and my coping mechanism was to turn inwards and I felt hurt and rejected).

I feel really lonely too... my wife has to spend all her spare time with our son keeping him happy... she tries to spend time with me but its usually only really late in the evening once our son is asleep and we then have very little time to spend together... and once it is late is when I seem to get worse... the pain is more noticeable because I am tired and the anxiety starts.

My wife shares very little with me in terms of likes (hobbies etc) so even what we do together can be a challenge (ie finding something we both want to do)... our tastes in movies are very different so one of us has to 'endure' the others choice of movie and thus does not really enjoy the activity. She is not into computers so we cant share that... She is not technically minded like me... its almost like we are in different worlds... we are both lonely and overwhelmed.

I am just totally overwhelmed.

Thanks for letting me rant on !

 

[Cat Dancer]

Well, I am always at a loss for helpful words, but I wanted to let you know that I read your post. I am sorry about the MS. Having physical problems always seems to compound the other problems. At least it does with me. I wish that life wasn't such a hard struggle for so many of us.

 

[Techie]

Thank you Janet ! Sometimes is nice just to know that somebody out there is listening !

 

[just mary]

Hi Techie,

Just wanted to let you know that I read your post too. I'm kind of like Janet in that I never feel like I have the right words to say (even though I think Janet quite often says some very good things) but I'm glad you ranted and told us how you were doing. Having MS sounds like such a struggle on top of your other problems. I'm not sure what to say or what type of advice to give but you sound like a very strong person and you seem to be handling your problems in the best way you know how.

Take care and I wish you all the best,

 

[Eunoia]

wow, well you sure have a lot to deal with and endure on a regular basis! I'll be thinking of that the next time I hear someone complaining about their migraine! I think that a good social support system would be of great use right now though, including being able to talk to your wife and spending time with her. what about the weekends? can you try to spend some time toether then? maybe you can sit down together and think of something you both enjoy doing, like going for dinner (everyone needs to eat), taking your 4yr old to the zoo or a play (it'd be quality family time more than alone time w/ your wife though)... maybe a comedy club or a show, a walk in the countryside/along the water (depending on where you live), even a weekend away if you can find someone to babysit for a day or two? well, we're listening if it helps the least bit. I hope that you'll be able to get some kind of break from some of these things at least soon...somehow.

 

[Techie]

Thanks everybody... I mean that !

It is good to be able to 'vent' a bit and say how I am feeling inside.

Today was a bit better... it was sunny out today and I was able to enjoy my ride to work on my scooter... Its only a 12KM (8 miles?) trip but gives me a bit of fresh air.

I have been trying to not let the stress get to me... I have been taking 'deep breaths' in my mind. It helps a bit...

My wife and me usually drop our son off with his Grandfather on Sunday nights and pick him up after work on Monday, which gives us an evening to do something. Its hard to come up with ideas however when you are depressed and its a struggle to be motivated to do things.... but we at least dont eat BEFORE we take son there so we are 'forced' to go out and have dinner.

Biggest problem is this anxiety with sleeping ! I am experiencing it right now in fact ! Its nearly midnight and I feel anxious, almost scared.

Feel silly, scared like a little kid. I wonder if thats the PTSD ?

I try listening to music to help me sleep... I have a CD of a thunderstorm on a lake that usually relaxes me but I have avoided that lately as we have had a lot of bad storms lately that have caused a lot of electrical damage is the area and the slightest sound of thunder gets me running and unplugging anything of value !!

Ah well... I guess I may as well try going to bed... in 24 hours time I'll have the flu from my weekly injection and I'll be tired too !

I sometimes think it would be nice to have a 'chat' facility here so people could chat if they could not sleep... but then some of us would never leave the computer am I right ?

Thanks again !

 

[David Baxter PhD]

For those of you who have instant messengers, you can add that information if you wish into your Member Profile at the top of the page. Once you've done so, an icon for that IM (AIM, MSN, Yahoo) will appear next to the "pm" and "email" icons under your posts.

However, for a number of reasons, including moderating issues, member protection issues, and even server load, I don't have any plans to install a chat room here.

 

[Peanut]

If you put in your messenger name, is it supposed to be an icon in your profile too, or just on the post? I tried it and it just said my messenger name in my profile, no icon. Is that how it is supposed to be?
I have never used the messenger feature on my computer but I would like to start using it.

 

[ThatLady]

Goodness, hon! You have every reason to indulge in a bit of self-pity. It might not do any good, but what the heck! We can't help how we feel, and you've got some pretty good reasons to feel put upon!

MS can cause a very wide variety of symptoms. It's a vicious disease that saps your strength and plays with your head. Combine that with your PTSD, stir in a bit of Borderline Personality Disorder, and you have the makings of a pretty miserable salad. I can sure understand your need to vent, and I'm truly sorry it has to be this way for you.

It's good that you and your wife are able to get away one night a week, anyway. Perhaps, if you put your heads together, you can come up with a few things you can both enjoy, even if it's just sitting and watching television or taking a drive in the countryside. Sometimes, a drive will help you sleep, as well.

I wish there were more I could say. Sometimes, I wish so very strongly that I had a magic wand to wave that would make all the pain, anger, sickness, and loss in the world magically disappear. Even though I realize that's a silly, childish wish...I still wish it with all my heart.

Hugs, hon. You're a brave man.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If you put in your messenger name, is it supposed to be an icon in your profile too, or just on the post? I tried it and it just said my messenger name in my profile, no icon. Is that how it is supposed to be?
I have never used the messenger feature on my computer but I would like to start using it.

I'll check, Toeless. It's possible I disabled it, in which case that can be reversed. It should show up as an icon for AIM, MSN, Yahoo, or ICQ.



<edit>

Try it now, Toeless. I had disabled the buttons. Should work now.

 

[Peanut]

Thanks for checking, it still didn't work though. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. You just type in the nickname, right? It just came up typed exactly how I wrote it.

Oh...I see after looking at Techie's, there is a button at the bottom of the msg but when you click on it, it just shows you the real address...maybe I just misunderstood how it was supposed to be.