Hi everybody... I am at a point where I need to reach out again to somebody... I am obviously feeling very low and desperate again.
I am sorry if this is sounding like a bit of self pity, but I think I need just a little bit ! I think this is going to be a bit long and disjointed as well (just a warning !)
Since I visit here infrequently many will not know my history while others will (and hopefully you can forgive me for repeating yet again) but I have PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as having been recently diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.
My emotional roller-coaster is ongoing... therapy for me (with a therapist I was very happy with) has come to a stand-still... I just don’t 'feel' much like talking. I feel resigned to defeat. My physical problems have just added to the whole problem.
I am on drug therapy (Avonex) for the Multiple Sclerosis, which leaves me feeling very 'flu-like' for a couple of days each week after my injection... but the 'normal' MS symptoms bother me a lot too. I have a CONSTANT high-order headache (many times worse than a migraine... believe me I would WELCOME the pain of a migraine over this headache !) with muscle spasms that radiate up my neck into the base of my skull and my jaw muscles are really tight. NOTHING helps it.
My neuro said I need to avoid steroid therapy for all but the worst MS attacks because both my parents were diabetic and with me being overweight I have a high chance of becoming diabetic from the steroid therapy... I therefore have to suffer the pain it seems.
My vision is frequently blurry in my right eye... (damned MS hit my 'good' eye, don’t know why it could not have taken out my bad eye !)... my face is always numb to the point of painful and my right arm is so weak that my 4 1/2 year old is almost stronger than I am. Today I tried to put 4 screws into my wife’s desk drawers for her and it was like they were 12 feet long and 3 feet across it was so hard !
I cant work... my typing speed (I work with computers) has dropped to about 20 words per minute with a high error rate... my bad eyesight makes my headaches worse from looking at the screen and working (or playing) on computers was the one last 'thing' I had left... my one escape I had left. Now I have a hard time reading the screen... I cant even read books anymore that well.
It has only been a few months since my first MS attack and it has already affected my life profoundly when it normally takes many years. Its just the first attack has hit me exactly where it hurt the most !
I cant sleep anymore (combination of the headaches and insomnia). I have to take double doses of sleeping pills to get ANY sleep... and I know I CANT do that too often so I only do that every once in a while when I just cant function any more.
My last MRI showed that I most likely will need surgery on my spine in my neck because of a bone protrusion into the spinal cord area... its pressing in on the cord and is probably aggravating my whole condition.
I have kidney stones AGAIN (fourth time) and will need surgery again on that.
I don’t know if its the MS causing this new problem as well but my hearing seems HYPER-ACUTE. I mean the SLIGHTEST little sound when I am trying to sleep is like a gun-shot... it instantly wakes me to full alertness. Even my own breathing sounds like a jet engine !
I know the MS can affect cognitive function so I don’t even know if this stuff is all related to it... but I know my memory is totally SHOT. I will talk to a client and the next day have total AMNESIA about it... even if I write it down ! I just cant recall the conversation details... my boss is really understanding (a good friend of mine) and we sort of laugh about my memory being so bad... but he will try to remind me of a conversation and I just stand there and look at him like he has just told me that we live on Jupiter and we all live under water !
On top of it all I cant seem to look to my wife for support... I feel almost scared to. (Was like this before the MS as well).
Night-time (bedtime) causes a LOT of anxiety for me... a lay there and I start to feel almost paranoid... and this causes triggers for me (I think... I feel confused). I don’t know what it is about going to bed but I FIGHT it...I get anxious, angry then if I lay down the paranoid (unsafe) feelings start. This makes me get up and stay awake all night. Its only when my wife is gone to work and the house is empty that I can go to bed and sleep.
I think there is a lot of fear of getting close to my wife (intimacy makes me anxious and triggers flashbacks now... new thing for me...) Another part of me has learned to 'avoid' emotional intimacy with her because I had to learn to 'turn-it-off' while she was pregnant with our son (she was sick morning-noon-and night from day of conception until three days after giving birth). Since we were only married two months before she fell pregnant I withdrew into myself out of hurt. (Somebody has already pointed out the fact that this was not her fault... and I KNOW this... but it still hurt non-the-less and my coping mechanism was to turn inwards and I felt hurt and rejected).
I feel really lonely too... my wife has to spend all her spare time with our son keeping him happy... she tries to spend time with me but its usually only really late in the evening once our son is asleep and we then have very little time to spend together... and once it is late is when I seem to get worse... the pain is more noticeable because I am tired and the anxiety starts.
My wife shares very little with me in terms of likes (hobbies etc) so even what we do together can be a challenge (ie finding something we both want to do)... our tastes in movies are very different so one of us has to 'endure' the others choice of movie and thus does not really enjoy the activity. She is not into computers so we cant share that... She is not technically minded like me... its almost like we are in different worlds... we are both lonely and overwhelmed.
I am just totally overwhelmed.
Thanks for letting me rant on !
I am sorry if this is sounding like a bit of self pity, but I think I need just a little bit ! I think this is going to be a bit long and disjointed as well (just a warning !)
Since I visit here infrequently many will not know my history while others will (and hopefully you can forgive me for repeating yet again) but I have PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as having been recently diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.
My emotional roller-coaster is ongoing... therapy for me (with a therapist I was very happy with) has come to a stand-still... I just don’t 'feel' much like talking. I feel resigned to defeat. My physical problems have just added to the whole problem.
I am on drug therapy (Avonex) for the Multiple Sclerosis, which leaves me feeling very 'flu-like' for a couple of days each week after my injection... but the 'normal' MS symptoms bother me a lot too. I have a CONSTANT high-order headache (many times worse than a migraine... believe me I would WELCOME the pain of a migraine over this headache !) with muscle spasms that radiate up my neck into the base of my skull and my jaw muscles are really tight. NOTHING helps it.
My neuro said I need to avoid steroid therapy for all but the worst MS attacks because both my parents were diabetic and with me being overweight I have a high chance of becoming diabetic from the steroid therapy... I therefore have to suffer the pain it seems.
My vision is frequently blurry in my right eye... (damned MS hit my 'good' eye, don’t know why it could not have taken out my bad eye !)... my face is always numb to the point of painful and my right arm is so weak that my 4 1/2 year old is almost stronger than I am. Today I tried to put 4 screws into my wife’s desk drawers for her and it was like they were 12 feet long and 3 feet across it was so hard !
I cant work... my typing speed (I work with computers) has dropped to about 20 words per minute with a high error rate... my bad eyesight makes my headaches worse from looking at the screen and working (or playing) on computers was the one last 'thing' I had left... my one escape I had left. Now I have a hard time reading the screen... I cant even read books anymore that well.
It has only been a few months since my first MS attack and it has already affected my life profoundly when it normally takes many years. Its just the first attack has hit me exactly where it hurt the most !
I cant sleep anymore (combination of the headaches and insomnia). I have to take double doses of sleeping pills to get ANY sleep... and I know I CANT do that too often so I only do that every once in a while when I just cant function any more.
My last MRI showed that I most likely will need surgery on my spine in my neck because of a bone protrusion into the spinal cord area... its pressing in on the cord and is probably aggravating my whole condition.
I have kidney stones AGAIN (fourth time) and will need surgery again on that.
I don’t know if its the MS causing this new problem as well but my hearing seems HYPER-ACUTE. I mean the SLIGHTEST little sound when I am trying to sleep is like a gun-shot... it instantly wakes me to full alertness. Even my own breathing sounds like a jet engine !
I know the MS can affect cognitive function so I don’t even know if this stuff is all related to it... but I know my memory is totally SHOT. I will talk to a client and the next day have total AMNESIA about it... even if I write it down ! I just cant recall the conversation details... my boss is really understanding (a good friend of mine) and we sort of laugh about my memory being so bad... but he will try to remind me of a conversation and I just stand there and look at him like he has just told me that we live on Jupiter and we all live under water !
On top of it all I cant seem to look to my wife for support... I feel almost scared to. (Was like this before the MS as well).
Night-time (bedtime) causes a LOT of anxiety for me... a lay there and I start to feel almost paranoid... and this causes triggers for me (I think... I feel confused). I don’t know what it is about going to bed but I FIGHT it...I get anxious, angry then if I lay down the paranoid (unsafe) feelings start. This makes me get up and stay awake all night. Its only when my wife is gone to work and the house is empty that I can go to bed and sleep.
I think there is a lot of fear of getting close to my wife (intimacy makes me anxious and triggers flashbacks now... new thing for me...) Another part of me has learned to 'avoid' emotional intimacy with her because I had to learn to 'turn-it-off' while she was pregnant with our son (she was sick morning-noon-and night from day of conception until three days after giving birth). Since we were only married two months before she fell pregnant I withdrew into myself out of hurt. (Somebody has already pointed out the fact that this was not her fault... and I KNOW this... but it still hurt non-the-less and my coping mechanism was to turn inwards and I felt hurt and rejected).
I feel really lonely too... my wife has to spend all her spare time with our son keeping him happy... she tries to spend time with me but its usually only really late in the evening once our son is asleep and we then have very little time to spend together... and once it is late is when I seem to get worse... the pain is more noticeable because I am tired and the anxiety starts.
My wife shares very little with me in terms of likes (hobbies etc) so even what we do together can be a challenge (ie finding something we both want to do)... our tastes in movies are very different so one of us has to 'endure' the others choice of movie and thus does not really enjoy the activity. She is not into computers so we cant share that... She is not technically minded like me... its almost like we are in different worlds... we are both lonely and overwhelmed.
I am just totally overwhelmed.
Thanks for letting me rant on !