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port

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:( Hard to think clearly at the moment, sorry if it doesnt make much sence or hard to read/answer.

hello,
I was sexually abused when I was 7 and have recentley been finding it really hard to cope, ive only told one person as i find it hard to trust people. Im too scared to ask for help or goto a doctor/therapist, also dont think im ready at the moment. Find it really hard to talk about. Just feel really confused. Feels like im going crazy...

Finding it hard to study, behind with work and cant concentrate. Keep getting memorys/flashbacks not to often if i try and block it out and tell myself it was nothing, but dont think avoidence is the best way to deal with it in the long run.

Finding it hard to sleep. (takes awhile to get to sleep and sometimes bad dreams).

Anxiety, cant relax and feel panicy around people or even when i think about being around people when im alone, hand shakes if i think or know somebodys watching while im drawing or writing so makes work harder and i worrie if anybody notices.

Really up and down moods or no mood at all(kinda the mood im in now). Worried about being happy as i know i will only feel really bad for it later. Also worrie about what people think of me when im really up and down and start talking bs as usually it doesnt really make much sence.

Feel guilty about telling certain people im having trouble such as friends as its not their problem and hate upsetting people or making them feel like the have to help or be there. Use to dealing with things on my own and find it hard to ask for help or know what to say and how to act/respond when i do. The fact that most of it sounds crazy doesnt really help either : )

Having trouble stoping SI'ing. :/ Makes me feel ashamed afterwards, but improves my mood at the time. Quick fix i guess to help me through the day. Kinda conflicted about stopping because i know its wrong, but find it makes me feel better at the time. Also worried if i go too far one day and loose control.


Dont understand how one event from long ago can effect me so much...

would apprecaite some advice...
 

David Baxter

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port said:
i find it hard to trust people. Im too scared to ask for help or goto a doctor/therapist, also dont think im ready at the moment. Find it really hard to talk about. Just feel really confused. Feels like im going crazy...
I understand why going to a therapist is scary. However, you also note that you find it difficult to "burden" your friends and this is obviously not going away on it's own. The SI is a consequence of carrying around all these feelings and thoughts and memories and having no outlet for them.

One of the best things about being able to talk to a therapist is that you don't have to worry about upsetting or burdening that person -- s/he is trained to listen, to guide, and to help you in a way which protects his or her own emotional state.

And there is help available for what you are experiencing.

This may not be what you want to hear but honestly the best advice I can give you is to ask your family doctor to recommend a good therapist in your area.
 

ThatLady

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You really do need help to deal with this, port. The "quick fixes" you're applying aren't working, as evidenced by the fact that the memories, fears, and mood swings keep coming back. It's always hard to take that first step. It was for each and every one of us who's taken it. Yet, once taken, doors begin to open and the fear and pain begins to dissipate. It's well worth the effort, hon.

A therapist is a non-judgemental person to whom you can talk about anything. As Dr. Baxter said, they're trained to help you work your way through your difficulties without allowing themselves to become too caught up in it. Another thing to try to remember: Although sharing the bad things with others is often very difficulty, we need to think of it as giving a gift, of sorts. If you've ever helped someone else through a hard time, you'll know exactly what I'm saying. We give our trust to someone close to us. It frees us, and it makes that trusted person realize how very valuable they are in the world. :eek:)
 

port

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Thanx again..
Think ive taken the first step by accepting it, talking about it in a way and realising/having people help me realise it wasnt my fault.

Think im going to try and find out a little more information on my own before i consult a doctor. Would make it alot easyer to explain i think and help me to be abit more comfortable and confident on the subject.

At least i have a goal now that i would like to achieve, dont really want to rush into anything, but am trying to move in the right direction even though i tend to go backwards at times. :)

Starting to find a new balence, which im happy about. Tryed things that i wouldnt of even of thought about trying to do before. Even though its alot harder now its also alot more rewarding at the same time, which i guess is a good thing. Just a shame it takes me such a long time to see it. :)
 

port

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unsure wether to except the help of a counciler, dont think i can face it really unsure...

think i have to due to 'poor comunication skills' at college:( not sure wether to accept it or try and get out of it somehow :/

think i know il try to get out of it and just blank it out but not sure if its the right thing to do. kinda know its not but just need some reasurence/advice/a different opinion or somethin, scared i guess, just feel weak really worried about it, especially if i have to go, makes me feel bad thinkin about it...

feel kinda disheartend about the whole bein refered to a counciler thing, been tryin really hard 4 last few weeks/months to be more talkitive and stuff just seems like im bk were i was. pretty sure im not tho :
 

cm

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Hi port,

I was wondering, do you have an appt. set up already with a counsellor??
 

port

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no not yet. just said he was goin to have to refer me 2 1, worried wether he will or not :/
 

cm

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It may help to know that when you have your first couple of sessions, (or sometimes even more) you can use them just to get generally aquainted and more at ease with the therapist. I think for my first few sessions we talked about general things and I got a little information myself about the therapists professional background etc.
 

port

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more like just a college counciler then an actually theripist, just not sure wat to talk about, if anythin..

worst part is worryin wether it will or wont happen and wat im gonner do if it does at the moment... :/
 

cm

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Yes, I mean counsellor too, Port. I've seen a few college counsellors too and they know a lot about helping with many different things, like very personal concerns as well helping us get on the right vocational track and other support services available to students, for help in a wide variety of areas. Visiting the counsellors can be a positive part of going to college. They really like helping people .
cm
 

port

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maybe just find it hard to talk to people, even about everyday/normal stuff :/
 

cm

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Yeah, I hear you. I think there's probably quite a few people around like that too and it's not noticeable for that reason- that they are pretty quiet around others. May be it would help to tell the counsellor that, right at the start, or try and find a counsellor who is comfortable with quietness and a sense of patience, and just 'being there' over many sessions as you gradually get more accustommed to just sitting in a session. I have a counsellor who holds his appt's in a beautiful and tranquil setting with a view that I can just sit and look at for as long as I like when I need to. So even when nothing much is said, the sessions are very helpful. Or, another way might be a group type session where only people who want to talk do so and if a person wants to just sit and listen they can do that too. I bet there are lots of other good ideas out there from other people too. It's great of you to share your concerns on this forum.
cm
 

port

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thank you.. find it alot eaiser then the first time i posted, always makes me feel better wen i get a repley as well :)
 

KiwiGirlInOz

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Hi port,
I am an Adult survivor as well. Please do go see someone - it saved my life. I may be nmisreading what you wrote but in one of your posts you said *you were scared of it happening again* Do you mean the abuse?

When I started therapy, one of the biggest things for me to come to terms with was how much of my life has been affected by the abuse ie relationships, confidence, my body image, my choice of career etc etc. Sounds to me like you have been working really, really hard at trying to block out your abuse so that you can keep functioning and I know how much courage and strength that takes -so congratulations on how much strength you obviously have!! But unfortunately (or fortunately) there comes a time when our subconscious decides that we are now ready to confront our abuse rather than pushing it down. Sounds to me like all the symptoms you are having ie flashbacks are your body's way of telling you that you are ready to face the abuse and start healing. Please see a therapist.
 

port

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didnt mean the abuse, happened a good 10 years ago. pretty sure it will never happen again.

seriously considouring it, think il just see how things go for now.

im a chicken :)
 

David Baxter

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Even for a therapist, being in therapy for the first time can be a little scary... that's normal. After all, you're going there because you're not happy about something in your life and you're going to tell someone who at first is usually a total stranger intimate details about yourself. It's not like agreeing to go have coffee with a co-worker or fellow student.

On the other hand, there are a lot of myths about counselling or psychotherapy too. One is that you'll be expected to "spill your guts" in the first session -- as cm notes, that's not true. Another is that somehow "the shrink" will be able to read your mind or know what you are thinking -- that is definitely not true either.
 

port

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:( feeling really down, dont know wat to do with my self.. had a flashback like 30 mins ago seems to have really bothered me and i dont know why... :(
 
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