Getting help

[kelsischanging]

I have been cutting myself for a little over a year now, and have been recieving theraphy for it for about the same amount of time...last december I was almost hospitalized for it...I went up to the hospital but weasled my way out of it (I can basically talk my way out of anything)...I know this sounds crazy but now I almoust wish they would try to put me back in the hospital for it....or send me to a treatment center like S.A.F.E. Alternatives...the reason I say this is b/c I know myself and as long as I'm at home and have access to my "stuff" I will continue to cut...I could give all my "stuff" to my therapist but I would just go get more " stuff"...also at this point I feel that I am an extreme danger to myself....but I feel crazy feeling like a want to be hospitalized b/c i was put in the hospital for an eating disorder about three years ago and even though it was horrible it did really really jump start my recovery....basically I just don't know how to help myself and am afraid that I will not be able to stop doing this b/c I've tried so many things like distraction, writing, ect...these feelings of wanting to be in the hospital are confusing to me b/c I know if they tried to put me in the hospital i would resist and not want to go(mostly b/c even w/ insurance it costs a lot and even though my mom has the money she likes me to remind me everytime i have theraphy, need my anti depressant meds, or anything else w/ mental illness that it costs a lot and if I would just get better then she would not have to spend this money)...anyway I'm just really confused right now....
Kelsey (kels)

 

[Eunoia]

see, I've always wondered about that, like when your therapist makes you give them your "stuff", don't they realize that you can and probably will just go and get more? It's like taking a bottle away from an alcoholic, well that person will just go to the next liquor store and stock up. I wish it were as easy as removing the "stuff", I think not having those things might help in the moment, ie. as you said if you're not at your house w/ easy access but it also sometimes makes you find other ways b/c all you want to do is si. I can remember times when I felt like that about si or purging or drinking and it didn't matter at what cost that would come, but I had to have it/ do it.

The key though is, to find ways to replace that actual act, not b/c you're forced but b/c you choose to do so b/c you can accurately identify your emotions and deal w/ them in "appropriate" ways. This is something you and your therapist should work on. Have you told your therapist what happens when you give your stuff away and just get more? And that you feel like you are in real danger as long as you are at your house and haven't found not only distractors, but actually new coping mechanisms that you can use at those moments? from other posts, I'd have to say it sounds like you're not doing too well and if you and your therapist think a treatment centre, hospital would help (for si, but also depression, suicidal thoughts etc.), then that's what you have to do. It's scarry, for sure it is, but you are so lucky that you can say that going into treatment for your ed helped you w/ recovery just as this might help you now... maybe they have outpatient programs if you'd rather not do the full thing?

how do you feel things have been going w/ therapy in general? does your therapist help you? do you feel like you can trust him/her?? have you talked to your therapist about the way you felt a while ago?? I'm asking not b/c I'm saying that s/he hasn't helped, but if you feel like you're not able to talk to your therapist or receive the help you need, you could consider seeing someone else.... if the main reason that's keepin you back from going to the hospital is $ and you say it's not an issue then let your mom say her things but take the $ and do what you have to do. yes clearly, if you wouldn't have these issues she wouldn't have to spend the money but it's not like you can turn them on and off like a light switch and if $ would save my child, hell, I'd do anything and everything to get them the help they need rather than seeing them suffer.

 

[kelsischanging]

I do trust my therapist and I know that he could help me, but I am not very good at talking about stuff like cutting depression, basically any of my issues...as soon as an uncomfortable subject comes up I just say "I don't want to talk about it"....you know that feeling in your stomach when an issue is coming up...as soon as i feel that or any emotion I run....Maybe if I was able to tell my therapist how bad things really are w/ depression, suicidal thinking, and my si something would happen but i'm just to scared.

 

[Eunoia]

the things that you feel uncomfortable to talk about, those are the things that would make sense to tell a therapist.... after all, that's what therapy is for. but, I do think that if you're not ready to talk about those things (in detail) then there isn't much point pushing it, you need to feel like you can trust him and once you do that it's ok to be vulnerable and open up, exposing your weaknessed or perceived weaknesses so to say. He probably does know a lot more about how you're feeling, considering he's been working w/ you since a year, it juts comes down to the fact that no amount of help will get you "better" until you're willing to take it.

when I went to a counsellor for the 1st time to actually talk about my "issues" I felt so sick to my stomach I thought I was going to pass out, I was shaking the entire hour and it took me literally an hour to be able to open up enough to put words to what I was feeling and elaborate... it is so much easier just saying "I don't want to talk about it" and I do that a lot, I pretty much do that w/ everyone else in my life.. and I ended up shutting out even this one person and stopped going b/c having to deal w/ those things just seemed way too much. But my point is, I'm still stuck dealing w/ those things, and people always say "therapy is hard, but the end outcome is so worth it". I guess that's what you have to remember, is that if you really truly want help or get better you're going to have to take that extra leap of faith. The problem is that thinking of opening up about issues just seems "too much" and we dont' know how to deal w/ all of those emotions... but again, that's what therapy is for. Isn't it just as scarry not knowing how you will ever stop si on your own, or how you would have recovered from your ed or at least started on recovery if it wouldnt' have been for opening up to people and accepting their help? It's scary to let go, to say "I'm vulnerable" but sometimes I wonder, shouldn't we just as scared to keep on living w/ an ed, si, depression, thinking about suicide......????? Those things may seem "normal" for us, but those are the things we should be scared of, not of living or feeling.....