Husband courting new woman PTSD is overwhelming

[Hunter]

I've been with my husband almost 23 years. Our relationship is good. He's a homebody with me and doesn't want to go to the movies or out to a restaurant for a meal.
Now he had worked with a woman for close to 4 years. She was good to him when he had his heart attacks and gave him easier freight to deliver. Two weeks ago she was fired. He misses seeing her everyday because he said he likes her. So the past two weeks he's been calling and texting her because she's depressed. He said he just wants to pick up her spirit. Last Saturday he was taking her out for coffee he left at 6 pm came back at 2am. He took her to a bar. Now to me this constitutes as a date. Am I overreacting or overthinking. Tonight they are going out again, to either a supper or a movie. Again, to me that's a date. The last time we went to a movie was ten years ago. I constantly say let's us two go out to a restaurant but he doesn't want to go always saying with his diabetes he's not feeling well.
I desperately wanted to talk to my therapist but he's on holidays.
This situation has caused me sleepless nights. I'm having chest pains due to stress and I can't keep food down.
I have talked to him and says she's only a friend. Ok, but does a man take a woman to a bar or movie.
I've heard him tell her she's smart and a beautiful woman. It's been ages since he told me that.
He says he would never do anything to hurt our relationship that I'm the only woman he loves.
Still I am crushed. He's going with her tonight and I can't stop crying and hurting.
Am I justified in feeling hurt and jealous?

 

[Daniel E.]

.Last Saturday he was taking her out for coffee he left at 6 pm came back at 2am.

He's cheating on you.

 

[Hunter]

Not sexual, because of diabetes he's not able to have sex. Emotional maybe

 

[Daniel E.]

No "maybe" about it. He is cheating on you. We don't know the details, but he is more interested in her than you right now.

 

[gooblax]

Sorry to hear this Hunter. Yes your feelings make sense given what you describe. It's natural to feel hurt and rejected when he's prioritising someone else instead of you, and then not hearing an answer from him that matches his actions.

 

[Daniel E.]

Heres What Happens When You Confront A Cheater | HuffPost

Don’t let your spouse tell you that you are being paranoid, that you are crazy, that you are insecure. He or she is doing that because they are stalling for time. They will do or say anything not to get caught. They are desperate so they will make the spouse think it is THEM, that it’s THEIR issue. These kinds of cheaters are infuriating to me. Not only are they cheating, but they are making their spouse feel badly about themselves!!

 

[Hunter]

He let's me listen to his phone calls to her and let's me read his texts and always tells me what he's doing, so it's nothing behind my back, and she's knows I am his wife.
I don't know..... Maybe I am overreacting

 

[Daniel E.]

so it's nothing behind my back

At 2 AM in the morning?

You are under-reacting. He is still cheating on you, right in front of you, basically. This is an ongoing issue.

He is going out with her again tonight. Are you invited?

And with a COVID-19 pandemic going on, he is acting like a super-spreader. No one should be going to bars, especially someone with diabetes. Why is he taking all of these risks? For her?

Trust your instincts and act on them.

 

[Daniel E.]

7 Things Cheaters Say When They've Been Caught, According To An Expert

"We're Just Good Friends."

When I was cheated on, this was another "reason" my husband gave...They weren't just friends.

"Cheaters who have long relationships with their betraying partners, because those partners are work colleagues, spouses of friends or neighbors, for instance, may try to slough off the cheating as a 'just friends' situation," says Masini. "They may try to get you to believe that late-night phone calls were innocent, and that receipts from dinners or hotels were simply platonic situations that the accuser is misinterpreting."

 

[Daniel E.]

He says he would never do anything to hurt our relationship that I'm the only woman he loves.

He knows this is hurting you, right? And he is still going out with her again, rather than try to cheer you up.

Can you check his debit/credit card use to look for more fishy charges?

 

[Hunter]

We had a good talk and he promises that we will start going places and doing more things. There have been no fishy charges just last weekend at the bar for dinner and drinks, tonight he says it will be for coffee so one hour or two tops, anxiously awaiting his promise to me. So we will see what happens.

 

[Daniel E.]

So he will continue to cheat on you? His motivations should still be suspect.

Is it okay for you to spend the night with another man?

Even if he was single, he shouldn't be going out for coffee during a pandemic while he has diabetes.

Hopefully, he doesn't bring any COVID-19 home to you:

Restaurants may be reopening, but that doesnt make indoor dining safe: experts | Globalnews.ca

“Inside closed spaces we have some of our most impressive super-spreading events,” said Parkes. “These are events where the attack rate is much higher than what we would expect, even in a household.”

 

[Hunter]

We had a good chat and he said if I didn't want him to go out that he would stay home. I said go for a coffee with her, and just a coffee to cheer her up. I've talked to her and yes she's very depressed. She said he cheered her up last weekend. If they only go for coffee I will be ok with it, but nothing more. He said men go out with friends who are women.

 

[Daniel E.]

He said men go out with friends who are women.

Most men would never provoke their wives by coming back home at 2 am in the morning after spending the night with another woman.

Most men who have nothing to hide purposely do not engage in suspicious activity. Lunch is one thing, coming home at 2 am is not even on the same scale, especially given his history of not going out with you.

And if he was putting you first, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

BTW:

My husband is prioritizing his "innocent" friendship with a woman over me, and more advice from Dear Prudie.

This isn’t about “making him see” anything, because this isn’t up for debate; it’s a simple fact that he’s now got a new girlfriend in everything but name...

If all he wants to do is insist he’s not doing anything wrong and that there’s something wrong with you for noticing all of these changes, then you deserve better, and you should leave. He knows he’s not prioritizing you. It’s not that you’re doing a bad job of explaining it. He’s doing it on purpose and pretending he isn’t, which is designed to make you feel insecure and confused and like you have no right to expect attention or care from your own husband.

 

[Daniel E.]

I constantly say let's us two go out to a restaurant but he doesn't want to go always saying with his diabetes he's not feeling well.

Yeah, that is another red flag, given his current behavior.

You have to go by what he does. Not what he says. He could have done something with you today or this week. He chose her instead, and, again, I assume you were not invited to tag along.

The fact his "friend" supposedly has depression is not an excuse. Your husband is inducing depression in you. And I assume he is treating you this way because he is unhappy with the marriage.

You should be his top priority. Instead, this woman is. Lots of people have lost their jobs because of COVID-19. That doesn't mean married men get to hang out with women at bars during a pandemic.

If you were the top priority, you would be the one he was trying to cheer up.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hunter you know what he is doing is wrong. Your heart is aching because he is treating her to outing telling how smart and beautiful she is yet you don't hear those words. They both are playing you and it is not right and i am sorry he is being unfaithful to you. Tell him that it is hurting you too much and it needs to stop now that YOU need to be is priority not the other women

 

[Daniel E.]

Men Cheat Because They Want More Praise - Why Men Cheat, According to Science

40 percent [of the men who cheated] admitted to cheating with a coworker...

What may be the most shocking piece of information to come out of this study is the fact that beauty and physical attraction have little to do with cheating. Eighty-eight percent of the surveyed philanderers revealed that they cheated with someone "less attractive" than their wife.

 

[Daniel E.]

Men Cheat With Co-Workers While Women Cheat With Close Friends, British Survey Says, But They Do It For The Same Reason

“Eighty-two percent of the 210 unfaithful partners I’ve treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, ‘just a friend.’ Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of romantic attraction and opportunity.”

 

[Daniel E.]

Your comments about your husband, from August of last year:

https://forum.psychlinks.ca/showthread.php?36566-No-reason-to-live

My husband has started to verbally abuse me, calling me a loser and a burden.

Seems like he is blaming me for the accident, hell I was at the wrong place at the wrong time.

And in January:

https://forum.psychlinks.ca/showthread.php?36764-Attracted-to-my-therapist-should-I-quit-therapy/page2

My husband is pretty self centered. For the most part he cares, but is pretty self centered.

 

[Daniel E.]

When Are Opposite Sex Friends a Threat to Your Relationship?

Despite the fact that opposite-sex friends have become more common in the past several decades, it’s a situation recent research shows most people view with suspicion and these suspicions are actually substantiated by research.

For example...64% of men and 44% of women reported that their cross-sex friends became their sexual partners...

When someone you have an intimate relationship with objects to an opposite-sex friendship, it is a very big mistake to assume that this is jealousy stemming from insecurity. Partners with high self-esteem will not tolerate the disrespect of poorly handled opposite-sex friendships. This is a sign of their emotional intelligence and their understanding of what is required to maintain an intimate bond. Translation--the problem very likely isn't the partner who is objecting, it is likely the way the opposite sex friendship is being handled by one or both of the friends.