Husband upset

[forgetmenot]

Was I wrong to want to stay home? I have missed 3 calls from my twin and did not want to go out with him. I want to stay home in case she calls again. I can't call her.

He got mad and said something mean when he left. I need to hear her voice. I am tired anyway, just got off work. I don't want to go out I hate it. Nothing makes sense anymore. I have to be here in case she calls. I need to hear her - its been too long. Now he is mad and frankly I don't give a dam. I just want to be alone. He doesn't understand I need her. I don't need him anymore. He can stay out all night - it would suit me fine. Too depressed to do anything anyway.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Was I wrong to want to stay home?

I don't think anyone but you and your husband can answer that question.

I have missed 3 calls from my twin and did not want to go out with him. I want to stay home in case she calls again. I can't call her.

You can't stay home 24/7 just on the off chance that she might phone. Why not phone the hopsital and leave a message telling her specific times you could be home to freceive a call?

I am tired anyway, just got off work.

You do go out to work. Perhaps that's why he's angry. You can go to work but you can't spend any time with him...

I have to be here in case she calls. I need to hear her - its been too long.

But there is no way for you to be home all the time - see above.

I don't need him anymore. He can stay out all night - it would suit me fine.

Perhaps he is aware of that. That would be a good reason for him to be upset, don't you think?

 

[forgetmenot]

I can't call in to the group home not allowed. i tried now just faxing there to let them know i am at home. He doesn't need me she does She has called and left messages upset. If i went out i would just be upset anyway thinking i missed her call again. Im sorry i need to hear from her. He should understand this not say cruel things. I just want to talk with her i will go out with him once i talk with her. We have no connection anymore anyway he agitates me as i him.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Then write a letter. I understand that you cannot call a patient but it seems unlikely to me that you would be unable to call the staff.

 

[forgetmenot]

I just tried to call the staff i get an answering machine. i left a message there to please get her to call me. I faxed a message as well. I guess being holiday weekend minimal staff would be on. Im sorry i should have went with him I didn't mean to make him mad I thought he would understand my need to hear her. No one can truly understand the connection we have. I just know when she is upset i need to talk with her. It has been two weeks my schedule got changed to days. I never work days now i have missed her. I hate it when i screw up but if she calls it will be worth it. I will try calling again thanks mary

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not surprised you got an answering machine but what I was suggesting above is that you leave a more specific message, not just asking her to call but telling her when would be a good time to call.

 

[forgetmenot]

okay i found another phone number but it is only to be used if emergency. I don't think i should call there. I don't want to get in trouble. I will leave message again to call me tonight at 9pm that way if my husband does come home i will have time to go out with him then everyone will be happy mary

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Exactly. Well done. :2thumbs:

 

[forgetmenot]

husband came back and i went out with him and daughter for a ride. All time anxious but kept it to myself. No call back yet from twin so probably won't sleep tonight Maybe she will call tommorrow. God i hate this stupid anxiety. I need to know she is alright.

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I don't know why i think i could do this I missed her call when i went out with them Now she probably won't be able to call me again. I hate this. We can't be seperated not like this We need to call each other We need to know we are both well. Stupid husband have to make him feel wanted now i missed her again When she call and i do get to talk with her thats it. This is too hard.
Its not right to keep us seperated like this we need to talk. Having anxiety attack just want her to call please I blame him always about him

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I blame him always about him

Nonsense. If anything, it's the other way around.

You could have stayed in all night and not received a call. You can't spend the rest of your life hanging around the phone wondering if it's going to ring.

 

[Daniel E.]

I need to know she is alright.

As you may know intellectually, seeking certainty/reassurance is doomed to fail at alleviating anxiety in the long term and even in the short term:

http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/files/u76/chart3.jpg
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/bl...d-week-accepting-uncertainty-end-your-worries
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1400097665/?tag=psychlinks05-20

Similarly:

Rather than focusing on low probabilities [of something bad happening], I helped her focus on the impossibility of absolute safety.

Before treatment, when Donna was with Margie, her thoughts were always elsewhere, worrying about what catastrophe might hapen to her daughter next. If Margie is to have a full life, Donna would miss it because mentally she would be with her worries, not Margie...Because of her OCD [anxiety], Donna lost the only thing any of us can count on having: the present.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/042519955X/?tag=psychlinks05-20

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks Daniel i just talked with my sister yes i stayed home and got the call i wanted yeh. She is having some hard times coping but says she will stay as long as she can. She asked if i would be mad if she came home earlier. I said of course not but she needed to stay and give it a good try. I got her laughing told her i was do gardening with daughter ah i hate gardening. I feel so much better now I just needed to hear her voice thats all. I don't expect anyone to understand this but now i can go on with my day in peace and will be able to spend time with husband and daughter without worrying thanks mary

 

[white page]

That's great Mary , I'm happy to know you spoke with your sister.

I don't expect anyone to understand this

I think you would be surprised to learn that everyone understands how you feel.

I read this thread carefully , and I agree with what was said , the point that every one was trying to make, was that the present moment is important with your family , learning to organize the priorities in your head.

the immediate priority was taking the opportunity of spending quality time with your family, and not feeling resentful that you couldn't sit by the phone for a call that may or may not come. Enjoy those family outings Mary , they are a gift in life.

best wishes wp

 

[David Baxter PhD]

the immediate priority was taking the opportunity of spending quality time with your family, and not feeling resentful that you couldn't sit by the phone for a call that may or may not come. Enjoy those family outings Mary , they are a gift in life.

Thank you, WP. That was exactly my point.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thank you for being there for me Dr Baxter and I understand. I just couldn't function with high anxiety the outing with my family I could not enjoy Thoughts in my head worried i was up all night worring. Once i talked with my twin all my fears went away. I tried to tell my husband this i tried to make him see if i could just talk with her first then i would do anything he wanted to do. I am glad my sister called now i am spending a lovely day with my family with no stress. I know she is safe and she said she will call me next Saturday at 9am so i know when to stay home now. Thanks Whitepage for understanding and Daniel for your information. I will somehow have to get rid of all this anxiety but my connection with my twin has always been there and it is not something that i can control easily as with my daughter. It is like we are all one identity sometime to me. Thanks again for your help and support and i know i can get difficult for my husband coming second but i gave him a hug today and said i was sorry. I haven't hugged him for a long time He thanked me for it. bye mary

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Mary,

You know that I too have a twin. I love him with all of my heart. I do understand your concern and caring for your twin - I honestly do. But I'll still scold you a little....

My twin currently has someone in his life. I'll tell you what I just told him - that other person, that 'partner in life' - that's your priority. It's ok to be concerned and to worry about your twin.

In fact, I think it's pretty darn normal given the attachment that we have for our twins. But your husband - he's your life partner - not your twin.

I'm on the receiving end it since I'm single. And while I appreciate my twin caring for me, I never forget my placement in his life. His partner is and should always be his first priority. And, should he have children, they too should come before anyone else. Love your twin, give her the support that you can give her. But also remember that your husband and daughter need to take precedence BEFORE her.

From my standpoint, I will never resent my brother for taking care of him and his life. I will however resent him and his behaviours if my needs outway those of his partner's - she comes first because that's his life partner.

I know that he loves me and supports me - He doesn't have to (and should never) put me in the forefront. It's not fair to his partner....just as I would suggest that it isn't fair to you husband. Love her, support her - but, also appreciate the fact that your partner's needs must always come before hers...That is, after all, your husband...

I hope you understand what I'm saying here Mary. I've lost a few wonderful men in my life by choosing to care for my twin before those men - And I can honestly say that it wasn't fair. Again, that's because we're accustomed to meeting everyone's needs before our own. In this circumstance, you're meeting your twin's needs before your own and volunteering your husband's needs in the process because your accustomed to dismissing yourself - your husband is an extrapolation of you in your mind...Can you separate him from "you and your needs" and remember fairness in that equation? He isn't YOU - and he isn't volunteering himself for your sister's needs- and rightfully so - he's probably thinking of you and your needs.... :hug:

 

[forgetmenot]

Yes Jazzey I agree that he was thinking of me in that he was trying to get my mind off my sister, She called 3 times and left upsetting messages it set me off. My husband and I just sort of exist together. I know he cares but i just don't have feelings anymore I have alot of resentment in things that were said after my daughter attempts of suicide. We just don't have a physical connection anymore. If i had to choose between him and my twin it would be my twin. He does not need me I wish i could care but i don't have that in me anymore. I hugged him which surprised him as i have not really shown any affection like that for along time. I sometimes understand and see his pain but it is hard. He is taking over care of my daughter more which i am grateful for as i try to help myself. I really understand family first but there is not the connection to him like i have with my twin. God i am not making sense. If i could i would be on my own in my own space away from everyone I made it up to him with this hug something i don't give that easily and i did go out with them today and made them a great supper. I hate going out but i did now everyone is happy again finally Thanks Jazzey for always getting me to see things in a different way but i don't know how my husband and are just too far apart now mary

 

[Jazzey]

Mary, I hope you don't mind my asking - do you have any want of reconnecting to your husband? From what you've posted on this site, he seems to be a good supporter for you. Do you see the two of you ever reconnecting and becoming even friends again? He seems to be such an ally for you. I'm just wondering out loud if, even though he doesn't always see the situation as you do, if he can ever rejoin your life and become your true partner again...? Or, have you already resolved that he will not be a part of your life in that way again?

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi Jazzey we are friends sometimes and at other times i just walk away. I mean if anything happened to him i would be devastated as he his the father of my children and a great father he is now. It was always me Jazzey dealing with everything always me then when daughter got ill he blamed me in a way. I supported her so much i got all the help from the schools I took her to doctors and psychiatrist and more coucillors I don't know what else i could have done. He shouldn't have said things but thats okay I really don't care what he says I know i did everything humanly possible to keep her safe and to get her well. He stood in the background and did nothing. He has no say if what i should have done or could have done He did nothing. I see us staying together as i told him when we married i would never be the one to leave.It would have to be him. I care for him Jazzey as the father of my children and he is looking after my daughter more. I think he finally sees i just don't have the strength anymore. I have no more left to give anyone. Today i was relieved my sister was well so i had a little emotion left and i gave it to him because i wanted him to know i do care for him somewhat. We don't have a husband and wife relationship that part just does not exist the phyisical part. mary

 

[Jazzey]

But do you want to have him back as a husband Mary? It kind of sounds as if you do. I know that I don't understand the full picture or circumstances. Just remember that, when he made those comments about the situation - that may have been his way of dealing with some pretty heavy things.

If you decide that you want him back as a husband, I hope you'll make those gestures towards him Mary. It sounds to me as if you need and love each other. Maybe it's time to put the past behind and rediscover each other as partners in this lifetime. Particularly if you have no want of moving away from him. Sometimes, in relationships, we have to forget the past and start from where we are currently. Mary, I can't help thinking, when reading your posts, that this is what you need. You've said yourself in the past that he's a good man...I hope that he can be your friend again soon. It sounds as though that's what he's working towards also. Maybe it's finally time to rediscover that bond and lay the rest in the past. And maybe, together you can face some of the more difficult stuff that you will undoubtedly need to face up to...Wouldn't it be nice to be able to do that together?