I am scared of him

[Ashley-Kate]

hello, latly i have been having very terrible dreams of my past abuse and well i had them before but with therapie they were a bit more controled but at the moment none is i am really losing it with them up to the point were i wake upand am in extreme pain somtimes i can't move others i need to ruch to the bathroom cause i will get sick and wake up with a bunch of scratches on my body i feel my past resurfacing and it scares me i relive every moment of the abuse and i can't stop it i put my alarm clock every hour sometimes just to know that i will wake up before it gets too bad.. i am scared cause this only gets worst i hardly sleep witch brings me to have flash backs during the day.. i feel his presence in me as the voice that directs me in everything i do everything i am ordered to do... and he won'T go away.. i feel deprived of my childhood but at the same time i feel i am not aloud to let go of these nightmares and flash backs because i deserved the abuse cause if i did n't he would not have hurt me.. i think with the mind of a 11 year old child when i think of my abuse witch makes me seem a bit unrationnal to some but that is my belief and i canT' stop it from eating at me ..
yours trully
ashley

 

[ThatLady]

Re: i am scared of him

Ashley, hon...you said in another post that you've been offered hospitalization for your ED, but that you refused the offer. The ED combined with this reliving of prior traumatic events is making you more vulnerable on all counts. It sounds to me like hospitalization might offer you some respite and a chance to heal. Why not reconsider that offer?

 

[Thelostchild]

ashley, I hope that you will go get the help you need. everything takes time, don't punish your self for something you haven't done. This is weird for me to say but Ill pray for you.. let us know how you are doing