. That's unfortunate,
Have you been to your GP? can he refer you to anyone\anywhere else? and there is always the E.R. if you feel you are reaching desperation point, it might be possible to see someone there from their psychiatric dept. Do you think that this might be an option you could explore maybe?
.There have been some interesting case studies on people who have been hospitalized with mental health issues. The responses of course vary as everyone is unique and each person's hospitalizations were slightly different. I used to long to be hospitalized too, so I can understand where you're coming from. The thought of "escaping" from everyone and everything can be really alluring. Somehow we think all of our problems will just go away. The reality is, if you are hospitalized you are most likely to have to face your demons at that point. It's not a bad thing but the goal is to get you functioning in the world and standing on your own two feet, so it's not a long term solution. When you come back to the "real world", your problems will still be here, but you may have some new insights or tools to deal with them.
I used to think that a "good" life would be one free of problems or pain or depression or anything else. I'm slowly learning that a "good life" is one where those things will probably still occur, but now I have the tools to deal with them and not let them take over. It can be easy to idealize the perfect life when we're down so I would encourage you to be careful with that. It can be really easy, and really tempting to think "if only I had more money, a better job, a bigger house, lived in a different city, had more friends, my life would be so much better". While most, if not all of those things are certainly attainable, or controllable, we can spend our whole lives chasing what we think will make us happier, and along the way miss out on happiness itself because it's not those things that will ultimately relieve our depression or problems, but rather life skills and coping methods we can develop in the here and now regardless of the external variables.
That's kind of a long blurb, but the point is basically don't become so fixated on wanting to be in the hospital that you stop working for yourself now. Focus on now, today, and ask yourself what you can do, however small, to make a difference, or a change in your situation this minute. It might be taking time to smile. Making a phone call. Taking a walk. Eating an apple. The little things all add up - it's not always the big things (like hospitalization).
Sorry if this is confusing - hopefully it makes sense to someone besides me
