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jason7019

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Two months ago my wife left me. I found out a week later she was having an affair for over a year. She was sexually abused as a child for 14 yrs. We are both in counseling now. Individual counseling for now. She says the affair is over and she wants to work on us. She tells me that she loves me and that all the feelings are coming back. Everything seems great. My kids are happy. The problem is that she has her own place now and says she does not want to come back until she works out her internal problems per her couselors advice. My problem is that I feel like im losing my mind. I break down and cry for no reason. I feel lost and empty, alone and depressed constantly. I dont know why. I feel we will be back together in a couple of months . But how do I get through this. Its affecting my job and everthing else in my life. My doctor put me on Welbutrin. Is this normal and if so how do I get through this. I just feel so alone. And to top it all off her counselor told her we should not see each other for a while. But it seems ike the more we talk about things the more we become closer. Help me please!!!!!!!!
 

jason7019

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I forgot to mention that we have been married for over 14 yrs. Our 15th anniversary is Jan 5. Also she left me 2 months ago
 

ThatLady

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You've had a loss, hon. Of course you're upset. Who wouldn't be? The feelings you're experiencing are, indeed, normal under the circumstances.

Give the Wellbutrin a chance to take hold. Try to find things to keep your mind occupied, as much as possible. Let her work through her issues as you work through yours. Talk out your feelings with your therapist in an honest and forthright manner, and ask for advice as to coping skills and other mechanisms to help you work through this difficult time.
 

David Baxter

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Of course it is affecting your work and all other aspects of your life at the moment.

You are grieving and at the same time you are hoping that the two of you will get back together and it will be the way it was before any of this happened. It won't be.

That's not really a bad thing. The status quo is what got you to this point. You cannot go back and really you don't want to. What you want to do is go forward, fix what needs fixing, remember what doesn't need fixing, and learn how to get to know each other once again and to let the relationship breathe and grow.

You are seeing a therapist. Assuming s/he is experienced and comeptent, you need to let the rest take it's course. I know right now you are probably feeling a lot of different emotions, including fear and hurt and anger. You need to feel and express and work through those things, and then you need to work on looking at rebuilding the relationship.

There are a few good books on dealing with such issues that you might find helpful.

Try:

Spring, Janis A., & Spring, Michael. After The Affair: Healing The Pain and Rebuilding Trust When A Partner Has Been Unfaithful. HarperCollins, 1997

Lerner, Harriet. The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate. HarperCollins, 2001

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Three Rivers Press, 2000

See also: http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/relationships.htm
 

jason7019

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But how will I know if she is just manipulating me or if she is sincere. I want this to work and I know it wont be the same. But I just want to know what direction to go. And not knowing what direction she wants to go is what is bad. She said she has stopped seeing him but how do I know for sure? This is just bad for our entire family. She tells the kids she wants us to work out but is she filling them with false hope. I just dont know how to talk to her or anything else. I try to act normal and she will say you act like nothing is wrong. Which is how I need to act.
 

David Baxter

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At a certain point, you have to make a leap of faith - you decide to trust or not to trust. This is for you as much as it is for her.

If she betrays that trust again, so be it. You will know what to do then. But you cannot live expecting it to happen because that will destroy the relationship as quickly as another betrayal.
 

jason7019

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Its just hard with her living away from home and less than a mile from where her lover (who lives with his parents at age 33) on back roads. I want to trust her . I really do. I just want to know for sure which way she is heading.
 

jason7019

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Also financially this is destroying me. I am going under fast. I can survive about another month or two and then i will have to file bankruptcy. I cannot support 2 households.
 

David Baxter

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I cannot support 2 households.
That is another and very realistic issue, of course. I don't know if the counselor is aware of this but s/he should be. If you're wife is going to be living on her own for more than the very short term, surely it is her responsibility to support that arrangement, or move in with family or friends or whatever.
 

jason7019

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Her counsler is aware of it. SHe can support her seperate house but we based all the bills at my house on 2 incomes. I will not be able to make and her counsler doesnt seem to care. SHe wants us not to have any contact. My counsler who works for her thinks we should have contact. I do not know what to do. She is my best friend and I miss her.
 

jason7019

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Dr Baxter does this sound like good theapy to completely seperate with no contact to fix herself nad put us on hold. I just want to help her. Any advice on things I can do to help and how I can cope with this. My doctor just added lexapro to my welbutrin
 

David Baxter

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I don't know, Jason. I'm not there talking to your wife. I have no idea what her state of mind is or how emotionally strong/fragile she is or even what the issues in the marriage might be.

I don't know whether if I were the therapist I would make the same or a different recommendation. At this point, in the absence of evidence to the contrary, I would have to assume that the therapist has a reason for her recommendations.
 

jason7019

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Dr Baxter how do I cope with the feeling of being alone and scared of what could happen. Everyone keeps telling me to move on and start dating. They tell me to go out with other women. Just because she had an affair. We are still married in my eyes and that is against all my morals. Am i just being stupid. We talked yesterday and she told me to stay coompletely away to let her deal with her problems and then later e-mailed me saying she needs money and wants to set up the christmas trees today and needs me to hook up her dryer. Its like she uses my feelings against me. Im so confused. Could you give me some recommendations.
 

David Baxter

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Everyone keeps telling me to move on and start dating. They tell me to go out with other women.
First, at present, this relationship is in a state of uncertainty. You have to make up your mind about what you want to do in the future. She has to make up her mind about some things as well. Note that I said "make up your mind": You are not passively waiting for her to decide your future, or the counselor, or anyone else. You have to decide what you want and what you can accept and where you are going in your own life -- and that may or may not include her at this point. Just be aware that all you can do is make decisions for yourself -- you cannot make decisions for her.

Second, even if you knew for certain that this relationship was over and done, it's abundantly clear that you are NOT ready to be dating other women. You have too much left to resolve about this relationship. I don't doubt that your friends are trying to be helpful and make you feel better, but really at this point the advice they are giving you is just bad advice. If you do decide to ened this relationship, or if your wife decides she wants to end it, you will still need a period of time to grieve and to assimilate what has happened before you will be ready for new relationships.
 

jason7019

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Dr Baxter it has been over 2 weeks since I wrote last. Im even more confused now than ever. Her counsler approved us seeing each other x-mas eve and day. My wife got drunk x-mas eve and passed out. I had to finish being santa until 2:00am. Had dinner x-mas day and I left about 7:00. Then I got a call last night from my wife and said her counsler said that all she is doing is mind screwing me. For over 6 weeks she has been in counseling and my wife tells her just certain things but not the whole story. I truly believe she is an alcoholic. Her and her counsler have not even discussed the issues in our marriage. It is just about how bad it is to see me. I am going broke paying for this when nothing is even being addressed about her molestation issues our marriage issues. All she told my wife is that if she is going to continue to see me then she doesnt want to see my wife anymore. Im fine with not seeing her but I thought partof reconciliation is being able to communicate open and honestly with each other and that is what we do when we talk. Our anniversary is Jan 5 and we were going to have dinner but her counsler said no way no how. If she does she is done with her. Any advice? I just almost feel like this is a waste of money we have been apart for 3 months, things will start looking good and then her counsler tells her it is bad. What can I do?
 

David Baxter

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I must say that if what you say is accurate (although I assume you are hearing your wife's interpretation of what the councelor says, rather than hearing it from the counselor directly), then I would seriously question what this counselor is doing. It would seem to me to be very unprofessional.
 

jason7019

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Should I contact her counselor directly and see if her story matches what my wife is telling me? Also if I contact her should I tell her about my wifes drinking problem that has not even been brought up?
 

David Baxter

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I'm not sure I'd advise that. If what your wife says is true, this may make the counselor even more hostile toward you. If it is not true, the counselor may wonder why you're doing this behind your wife's back.

Will you be seeing this counselor again yourself, either alone or with your wife? If so, it might be more appropriate to address this in session.
 

jason7019

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No i wont be seeing her. We had one 20 minute session togethter and I was told that would be it. My counselor works under her. Should I ask him these questions to see if he can get an answer. It makes me feel like her counselor is trying to push us further apart. I dont know if this is my wifes doing or hers but it is killing me what is going on. We were set on a reconciliation 3 days before she saw her counselor and we were going to get counseling together. Then she saw her counselor and she told my wife not to do that. I'm just so confused and it seems to be getting worse week by week instead of better. I thought the counseling would help us but ultimately I think it is going to lead to our divorce. Why would this be happening?
 

David Baxter

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As I think I said or implied before, Jason, I cannot read the counselor's mind and I obviously do not have enough data from these few posts to understand you, your wife, or your marriage enough to comment.

If the counselor is truly trying to block any attempts at reconciliation, you will have to ask your counselor or your wife's counselor what's going on.

If you think the counselor is doing this unfairly or unprofessionally, I would suggest that you contact the licensing board for that type of counselor in your area and file an official complaint with that board. That will at least ensure an investigation, assuming this is a licensed counselor.
 

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