I'm a bit scared

[Retired]

I am a strong believer and user of diaphragmatic (deep) breathing as a strategy to calm down my body when I feel tense or anxious.

Have a look at this Forum thread:

According To Scientists, This Is The Most Relaxing Tune Ever Recorded

especially posts # 10 and 11. that go into detail about diaphragmatic breathing.

When your body, especially your breathing system (the diaphragm) is tense, your breathing is shallow, and you are more likely to feel some of the effects you experience. However by increasing your oxygen intake, and relax your breathing system, you can focus your attention on evaluating the situation more objectively, and be in better control of your circumstances.

 

[MHealthJo]

One other thing I can add Lonewolf is, it is good to think about the fact that most people's beliefs and viewpoints are nothing like those that you grew up with.... tears and emotions are normal parts of life and there is nothing wrong or weak or bad about having them or showing them. (Well, there are *some* ways of acting out emotion too much which can be abusive to others, but something like having tears or having sad or upset or other feelings that may cause tears - having those feelings while you are going through life is not wrong or bad or anything like that.)

The other thing I suppose is that it may be not so much an idea of feeling "judged' for you, I don't know... perhaps for you it's more something like, because of those you grew up with, perhaps emotions or tears could also make you feel like you are vulnerable or in danger, like a sign of weakness or something and in your background that would be dangerous or encourage someone to take advantage of you or something? ...

It is important to remember that this is not the case any more, or at least, not when you are not around those that you grew up with (or people like them). To most other people, tears or other ways you might be showing feelings or seen to be experiencing feelings, would just be looked at with a sense of empathy - they don't know what is happening with you but they just know that you are having a hard time in some way, and they would just feel for you and hope that you feel a little better soon. Nothing to be afraid of or scared of.

There may be certain people who could be different to that, but the most important thing for you right now is to know that your feelings are valid and are allowed to come out in this way.... it need not cause you fear or cause you to do something to stop those feelings happening or coming out. It is better to go in the other direction.... even though at first, maybe you might feel like a bit of a waterfall! There is a lot of difficult emotion there... a LOT, that you have been avoiding feeling / letting happen for a long long time. I hope you can find a way of getting through it at a manageable pace for you. But just remember that it is okay for it to happen.... letting it start to be a bit more okay, is what can move you away from things like harmful or risky behaviours towards yourself.

Thinking through decisions you make before you let someone into your life, being very careful and slow about putting yourself in a trusting / close position with anyone physically or emotionally, can protect you from anyone who IS someone to be worried about. Stopping your emotions is not the best way to protect yourself and look after yourself.... let those emotions happen in the most manageable way that you can and be kind to those emotions and be caring to them... and remember that this is the attitude that most others take towards these valid emotions...... by doing this, you can process things and continue your learning process of the better ways to protect yourself and keep yourself safe and out of harm. xx)

Please feel free to ask any other questions you might have, like if you are concerned that strangers might approach you or something if you are seen to be emotional or crying, or something like that? We could help figure out how you can handle that if it happens... If this did happen, it would be rare that it would be someone who wants to do something bad to you... (I mean, unless you are in a dark/lonely/dangerous place or something). If this did happen, you can just thank the person and tell them you are getting through some difficult times right now, 'but thankyou for your concern, that is nice of you.' The person will simply continue on their way and feel glad that they made a nice gesture to someone.

 

[Lonewolf]

Struggling really badly with very strong urges to self harm and overdose!! I know it sounds totally stupid, but that doesn't take them away!! life is so difficult at the moment with several issues raising their ugly heads all at the same time and usually I would react and then the hurt passes, but I am trying to change how I react and these nasty issues feel 10x worse because they are trapped inside me with no escape as yet!! And they are building and building!! I am sorry for being a pain!! It's just now and then that these urges, thoughts and feelings are too powerful for me!! I get frightened!! I have been crying so much and the feeling of being overwhelmingly vulnerable is with me most of the time!! (Well, every time the tears come actually!) I just want someone to hug me and make me feel safe, to catch me when the pending crash really happens to me!! I just want to feel safe!! I don't know why I have written this, I guess it's safer being here and struggling, than being totally alone and suffering!! I apologise if my rambling doesn't make much sense!! I don't want to be alone right now!!

 

[MHealthJo]

Keep talking LW... maybe talking through one or two of the things that are happening, might help you feel a little more in control or supported? Or to figure out what to do?

Hmm, let us know also if you have not found any exercises or things that can help at these times, I could have a bit of a look through some resources that have previously been suggested and find a good one....

 

[forgetmenot]

Let the emotions escape by talking to your therapist or councillor ok
I know it hurts and it is overwhelming at times but talking to someone does help
talking here can help as well.

The emotions come and go they do not stay so just know that ok

you have gotten through them before so you know you can again Lonewolf hugs

 

[Lonewolf]

:facepalm:mg::tearyeyed::tearyeyed::tearyeyed::tearyeyed::tearyeyed:

 

[HBas]

Hi Lonewolf,

Sorry to hear about the long wait but so happy you took a step. No matter how small the steps, just keep pushing forward, Hang in there.

Please take care of you.

 

[Lonewolf]

Help me, please!! Some terrifying realisations have really shaken me up!!! I am so overwhelmed, I don't know what to do!! It's all rushing around inside me and I feel like I just want to die!! Someone, anyone?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What realizations are troubling you, Lonewolf?


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[Lonewolf]

The fact that my parents probably knew about the abuse, but still let me go through all the stuff as a consequence of my disclosing it!! I have always felt it was my fault!! The fact is that they just wanted it kept quiet and I unfortunately didn't!! I have never been good with emotions and I have managed 2 months with no S/H, but I just don't know how to slow this down right now!! I am so angry!! They let me go through all that!! They let me be the scapegoat!!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You say probably knew. How probable? Is it possible they didn't know?


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[Lonewolf]

Well, is it normal for a 10year old boy to tell the parents that he is going to check on his 4 and 5 year old sisters, take half an hour to do that and return to the parents and them not suspect anything, at all?? They must have heard something or thought something surely?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I suspect that most parents would not have concluded immediately that he was up to no good. Perhaps they thought he was reading stories or comforting you. That he was abusing you would not be the first thing most parents would think, especially if he was only 10 at the time.

I'm simply suggesting that when these things occur within families, often family members are unaware. They tend to think of the other family members as fairly normal and loving until confronted with direct evidence to the contrary.

If they did know, your anger is justified. But what would be their motivation to knowingly allow him to abuse you? What would they gain by that and why would they want to do that?

 

[Lonewolf]

I don't know why they would allow him to do it? That's what I am struggling with to be honest!! My family have always buried their heads in the sand when there have been serious issues, almost ignore it and it will go away sort of thing!! It was never meant to be said out loud and I unfortunately did exactly that!! I am so confused!! Where did these feelings come from? One minute I feel totally responsible for all the devastation and the next thing I am considering the fact that it may have been a dark secret that was never meant to see the light of day!!

 

[GDPR]

I think maybe,well at least for me,the back and forth of thoughts and feelings has been part of the healing process.Its hard and scary to face and accept things and especially to say/think that maybe it really wasn't your own fault and place the blame where it belongs.

Both of my parents knew what was happening to me,I am 100% positive of that because there were times I could see my dad hiding and watching and did nothing to stop it.And when my mom saw it happening she blamed me and beat me for it.

It has been a very long road to finally be able to say it was not my fault and truly believe it.I went through the back and forth thing too for a very long time.It is hard to even take a peek past all the self blame,self hatred,all the horrible feelings that go along with it and see things for how they really were instead of how we believed they were.

It is hard to accept that the people that were supposed to love us and protect us failed us,for whatever reasons.I spent a lot of time trying to understand why,but I finally just accepted that I will never understand.It wouldn't change it anyway.

I wish I knew what to say that would make you feel better.Or make things easier for you.

What you're doing,working on this and facing it,is really hard.I think you are doing a good job.I think the back and forth is a good sign because it means you are brave enough to take a peek at the truth.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Don't be scared... Like RDW advised, it's much easier to accept that you are upset, but this, too will pass. I know sometimes it gets uncomfortable when you're out in public, I've had a big crying jag at work before, but afterward I got over the embarrassment... I mean, it wasn't entirely my fault, I hadn't learned to "control" or calm down my emotions at the time because I hadn't been to a psychologist who gave me tools to work with.

If possible, it might help to get some of your emotions and thoughts out before you venture into public. I've noticed, for example when I have racing thoughts at night, I then start to type in a word document on my computer, and try to make sense of how I am feeling and why. I kept having memories of me being mean or rude to people, that I had repressed, I guess, because when I'd be trying to sleep they'd come out because I was relaxed at night. I learned if I did a little relaxation/breathing/meditation before bed and jot down my thoughts/feelings of those experiences then the racing thoughts would go away. I might cry or feel the emotions at the computer instead of in bed when I was supposed to be sleeping. I hope something like this works for you. If you do a little 15-20 min relaxation/journaling before you go out of the house, and maybe even when you come back...

And then you could even take what you wrote and email or bring a copy to your therapist.

Can you try that and see if it helps??

We're all human, and I don't think there's any one person who's never had an emotional moment in public at one time or another. Everyone from the youngest child to the highest position and age... Try to remember that. Some people at the store probably felt bad/empathized for you, but perhaps felt they didn't know you so didn't know if they could comfort you. Others who had never had a similar experience wouldn't be able to understand what they witnessed. Either way, how they choose to react is their problem, not yours. ♥

 

[GDPR]

I was looking at books on Amazon and thought of you Lonewolf.The kindle edition of this book is free right now.

It's called Life After Abuse,a practical healing guide for survivors.