I'm not sure if I should post this...

[Cavi]

Tuesday I had an incident with my ex T, long story short, I SI"d severely and have no feeling and little use in my left arm...I can't go in graphic detail but its bad, real bad and I won't go to the doctors...Why...To continue punishing me for being me...I haven't spoken since Tuesday...

I am at a place emotionally right now where all the encouragement in the world to go to the docs, wouldn't get me to go...

The reason why i am posting this is b/c I want to let others know how dangerous SI can be and for those who think "it can't happen to me" WRONG! something could and you could lose your life...or like me, the use of your arm...

I don't deserve I'm sorrys or hugs or anything and I'm not looking for it, my thoughts right now is...I don't want this to happen to anyone else!!!!!!....

 

[braveheart]

I hear you, and I am concerned for you.

What you do is up to you, your choice, but you do need and deserve support and medical attention.

:hug:

 

[Mari]

I don't want this to happen to you. If it is bad then I think you should get some assistance - maybe someone could go with you to a clinic. Mari

 

[texasgirl]

I agree with both BH and Mari. How you feel today is not necessarily how you may feel later. Please seek appropriate help. Whether you can accept it or not right now, we do care!

TG

 

[Cat Dancer]

The reason why i am posting this is b/c I want to let others know how dangerous SI can be and for those who think "it can't happen to me" WRONG! something could and you could lose your life...or like me, the use of your arm...

I can relate. I've done some pretty horrible things to myself that I would never have thought I could do and suffer ongoing issues as a result of the damage. It really can be very dangerous.

I know you don't want to go to the doctor and ultimately it's up to you, but please at least consider it some more.

 

[Cavi]

K is playing middle man between my current T and I b/c i won't speak...My T just called and I put her on speaker and she talks and I listen...The minute she starts talking it makes me want to cry...She cares, and I feel like I am unworthy of her caring and her help...

K is taking me to session on Monday b/c I can't drive but I told her she was not allowed in session with me...I am already freaking out in my mind about seeing my T Monday...I can't face her or anyone else I know...(which is few people)...

The SI happened Tuesday and tho it will take a very long time for healing, it will...(I hope)...

I honestly dont know how I am going to go Monday w/o totally freaking out and shutting down even more than I already have...My T is concerned about me not speaking but when I am alone and try, theres no form to my speech at all...

I cant go Monday, I cant......................RIMH

 

[Into The Light]

rimh, you say you won't go see a doctor as punishment. what's the sense in that? you posted because you don't want to see others go down the same road, out of compassion. try to see that you yourself are deserving of that same compassion. we all know you are, and that is why you find the compassion here. you are no different from any other human being in that sense. we are all worthy. we all deserve to be treated with kindness and caring. and all of us includes you, too.

 

[ThatLady]

I'm truly sorry for your pain, RIMH. I wish there was something I could say, or do, to take it all away. Alas, I have only my caring to give you. I cannot force you to go to the doctor, and I cannot force you to understand that you are a human being who is as deserving of love as any other human being.

All I can do, through the tears in my eyes, is say - I care, and I'm sorry.

 

[Cavi]

First let me say after 3 days of not talking, the barrier finally broke last night...It was my T that got through to me...I wish I could explain why I won't go to the doctors...Its hard for me to put it into words...Its not about punishing myself anymore or what my ex T did...I see my T on Monday and she has a way of getting me to do things that I won't do for myself or anyone else...
Monday may be to late for stitches though...I am starting to be able to use my arm to a degree, I still can't pick anything up with it and I still have to wear the sling...
Believe it or not (its hard for me) K has been really good through this whole ordeal, she dumbfounded me last night by admitting the mistakes she made with my ex T and that it was wrong for her to do what she did...For her to admit she done something wrong, is a huge step for her...
The thing that concerns me is...Each day I get a little stronger emotionally on the outside, but on the inside my inner child is devastated...I can't get K to understand why I can be smiling one minute and the next, crying...She doesn't understand the damage the SI does to me not only physically, but emotionally...Part of that is my fault b/c I can't put it into words...
And b/c of this, she will push me to just move on and want me to shove the feelings down, instead of dealing with them....Her favorite saying is, its in the past,, leave it alone...which is true to a degree but not working through it and just keep shoving it down, will just keep it boiling under the surface...

I've closed the door as far as my ex T goes and like I said, its not about her anymore...its about me and the SI and where I go from here...The main problem for me is abandonment and that is what triggers the SI...I feel like a lost child and I know people can't give me something my parents should of done when I was a child...but its dealing with the abandonment feelings...

Their there, there raw and wide open...and I dont know where to go from here...sorry, I'm rambling..............RIMH

 

[David Baxter PhD]

See The Child Within and perhaps print this out for K... it may help her to understand what happens.

 

[Cavi]

See The Child Within and perhaps print this out for K... it may help her to understand what happens.

TY!...I'll do just that...RIMH

 

[Cavi]

breathe....breathe...feeling abandoned...RIMH

 

[SoSo]

RIMH, I know you said you don't want any 'sorry or hugs' etc. but hope you don't mind if this old granny who has been where you are gives you a 'safe' hug, from the heart. Like you would not go the doc, etc with my journey with SI and the rest, till one day it was taken out of my control by cancer, learned then I really did want to live and more importantly did not want to hurt anymore, not by others, not by myself. Still learning even at my age how to deal with it all so if there is hope for this ole granny then there is hope for us all. What has helped me is writing it down this past week, in wee bits and pieces, reading it a few times till it no longer hurts or makes me cry, then I carefully and slowly tear the paper up, a sort of 'ceremony of healing' I call it then discard the paper. I am only dealing with the lighter stuff right now, deal with the other as I become stronger. Don't know if that would help you, wish like the others I could say something that would help make it all better.
feisty4me

 

[Cat Dancer]

RIMH, I am so sorry you are feeling abandoned. That is hard to deal with. We are here for you though and will not abandon you. I have been here almost 2.5 years and no one has ever abandoned me. Not ever. So just remember we're here ok?

Feisty4me, thank you for sharing what you did. What you said was helpful to me and I'm sure to others too. :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

rimh, i am sorry you are hurting so badly. like janet said, we're here and we won't abandon you. you've got us through it all.

feisty4me, thanks for sharing. it is actually helpful to me as well what you wrote about re-reading what you wrote until it no longer hurt. something i can make use of too

 

[texasgirl]

RIMH:

I am here and I'm not going anywhere. I truly care about your pain and wish that I could do more than just write. But know that my thoughts are with you. Feisty, your words really touched me.

Take care,

TG

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What has helped me is writing it down this past week, in wee bits and pieces, reading it a few times till it no longer hurts or makes me cry, then I carefully and slowly tear the paper up, a sort of 'ceremony of healing' I call it then discard the paper. I am only dealing with the lighter stuff right now, deal with the other as I become stronger. Don't know if that would help you, wish like the others I could say something that would help make it all better.

What a wonderful idea, Feisty! I can see this as being potentially useful for many people, not only those with SI issues. I've copied this part of your post to the "Coping Strategies" forum.

 

[sister-ray]

breathe....breathe...feeling abandoned...RIMH

Im here too RIMH so dont feel abandoned ,your in my thoughts:hug:

hugs to you to feisty:hug:

 

[Cavi]

Fiesty...You just gave me the answer I've been looking for!...TY!!!!!...

Ty to everyone!...I am feeling stronger today and really need that session tomorrow...K is taking me b/c I can't drive...My T is going to want to know why I didn't go to the ER and I feel like if I don't tell her the whole reason in a sense I am lying to her...But if I tell her, she is going to confront K about it and it will tick K off and K will come down on me...

I hesitate to write it here b/c it seems like I always tell the bad that K does but I need to get this out...I feel bad that I always write about the negative things she does...

Point blank...K HATES to sit at the hospital and have to wait to be seen by the doctor...When I had an allergy reaction to Lamictal, she kept saying to me, "you don't want to have to go there and sit"...Then she would say, "I don't want to go there and waste the day"....I've heard how I've inconvenienced people all my life when I was ill, mainly from my mother and that is partly where K gets it from...

2. When I said I didn't want to go to the ER b/c of being Baker Acted, K knows thats what would happen and K HATES to be alone...so thats why she is a pushover when it comes to the ER...I'm not assuming this, she has come right out and told me she didn't want me in the crisis unit b/c she didn't want to be alone...

So she is looking out for me b/c of me hating to go but she's also looking out for herself...I remember one time when i was in 2nd grade my brother was killing flies with a hammer and it slipped out of his hand and it hit me right about the eye...It knocked me out and I had to go to the ER and mom screamed at me all the way there of how she didn't want her day wasted...

So now, I get thrown right back into that "I'm bad b/c I am hurt" and it makes me shut down b/c I don't want to inconvenience anyone...

Ok, now I've made myself cry, so I'll shut up...Truly I'm ok, I'm alot stronger today........RIMH

 

[Cat Dancer]

...But if I tell her, she is going to confront K about it and it will tick K off and K will come down on me...

Can your therapist discuss this with K without your permission? I would just tell her that you want this to be confidential.