Losing friends as you're getting better

[solitary man]

It's been almost 4 months since I've been on Celexa, and things have certainly been on the up and up for me.

I have noticed that things are much clearer, both in my life and my surroundings.

The one thing I have noticed that certain friendships have changed, one in particular.

About a year, when I started my new job, I met a really interesting fellow, who had a lot in common with me.
We hit it off rather well and became the best of friends very quickly.

Last summer was probably one of the bests summers I've had in the longest time, if not, probably my whole life.

From the get go, I was upfront and totally honest about what I was going through, without ever feeling that I was being judged pitied.

I think what initially drew me to him was the fact that he has his own issues to work through, and we were able to give each other advice and support without ever asking for it.
With his help and countless hours of debating, mostly with myself, I found the courage to start taking the medication.

Now as I'm getting better, I find that he's becoming distant, and almost resentful of the fact that I'm getting better.

I've let him know that I'm still in his corner and have his back and whatever support he needs, I've got two strong shoulders for him to lean on.

Just before christmas, things got very stressed between us, and the more I tried to help, the more he pulled away.

I know it probably has nothing to do with me (hopefully) and I've reiterated, maybe too many times, what his friendship means to me.

I've given him his distance, but made sure to reiterate what his friendship means to me.

I've sent several messages via email and text, but so far nothing in response.

I guess my question is, at what point do you throw in the towel and move on?

 

[begonia]

I think that it's always hard to really know what's going on with another person. But it sounds like you have tried your best to show that you still want to be friends. I think that is all that you can do. Maybe your friend will feel better at some time in the future and get in touch again.
All the best.

 

[sunset]

Maybe by you getting stronger, he feels like he cant identify with you anymore, because he hasnt overcome what he is dealing with. I would just leave him be now, and maybe one day, when he is stronger, he will contact you.

 

[solitary man]

Maybe by you getting stronger, he feels like he cant identify with you anymore, because he hasnt overcome what he is dealing with. I would just leave him be now, and maybe one day, when he is stronger, he will contact you.

Thanks for the replies, Sunset, you're right on the money.

I spoken with my friend in the past about his issues, and without judging him, I suggested he should consider speaking with someone.

I'm not one to give advice very often, but I can recognize someone who's in need of help, after the issues I've experienced.

But at the same time, realize that everyone has to come to that conclusion on their own time.

I wish someone had guided or at least suggested that idea several years back, but knowing myself, I probably would not have listen.

Yes, I've let him know that I'm only a call away, but I've also accepted that whatever is troubling him, has nothing to do with something I've done.

 

[lallieth]

I recently went through the same thing with a friend.It seems as I continue to grow and heal, she backs away,I think she simply can't handle the changes I am making,because it brings up her own insecurities and problems,which she doesnt want to deal with.

If she does choose to go her own way,so be it.

 

[rebecca8]

I've been the person backing out of friendships because the other person was healing. I'll try to give you some insight. I felt like we didn't have our common bond anymore. I felt like a failure, and scared that my friend would pass me right up on this journey, get happy, and forget about me. I felt alone again, and wondered how/why she could get better, and not me. I didn't want to bring her back down with me. In a way, I thought I should let her go on.....like I was saying......save yourself....I cannot be helped. So, I tried not to bother her by calling until I would feel so desparate to talk to someone. So, I'd write her an email. She called less and less, and finally one day told me that I always have such terrible news, and she doesn't know how to help me anymore. We're no longer friends because of this, but if there is one thing I could wish for, it would be that I had such a good, understanding friend who was strong enough not to take my depression personally, and when I tried to push her away because of pride or guilt, she would come back and be there no matter what. Solitary Man, you seem to be a great friend. Don't let him push you away. All I secretly wanted from my old friend was for her to call me regularly to say hi, maybe start a nice conversation, and with no pressure invite me out somewhere. (it helps so much to feel wanted) I didn't know how to ask for that. I kinda wonder if I even was suppose to have to ask. I remember in a heated argument with my friend I said, "I don't need you to fix me, I just need your friendship." When she was trying to help me, I really felt like she thought I didn't know how to manage my own life. Now, I see that was irrational thinking, but I'm sure you know, that when you're feeling this way, your mind gets so cloudy. Your friend is lost now, be his light in the dark, so he can find his own way out. That's what best friends are for.

 

[solitary man]

Hey Rebecca8,

Thanks for your insight, it sure made a lot of sense.

I gave myself and my friend a bit of distance over the last few days, to see where things stood, and to avoid saying anything that I would have regretted.
I'm realizing when it comes to depression, you tend to view things from a "Me" perspective and quickly forget to take the feelings of other people into consideration.

I've done many times over the years, and it's only recently that I'm gaining a bit of clarity on the subject.

Once I took myself out of the equation, I realized that whatever my friend is going through has nothing to do with me.

Granted, I'm still disappointed that he's shutting down, but now can I see that I did the same things he's doing, at the height of my depression.

We had a good heart to heart talk last week and cleared the air.

I made sure to remind him that I'm in his corner and that if he ever need a shoulder to cry on, or a swift kick in the arse...I would be right there whenever he needed me.

I told him I'm not giving up on him and that I was going to be on him like white on rice!

And I also made sure to send him several links regarding Seasonal Affected Disorder, which hopefully will help him figure out what's wrong.

Reading the symptoms, it sounds like it could be this, but I'm not a doctor, I just see one weekly!

I've also emailed him several contacts to the counselling firm that his company will cover.

It's free and I'm hoping he'll look into.

 

[rebecca8]

Wow, you're a really awesome friend. That's exactly what I'd hoped of from my old friend, but I'm trying to realize that I can't expect people who don't suffer from depression to know what the heck to do with me.
I hope he takes advantage of the counselor with his company. Not many people have that benefit, and some do, but don't know about it. Great idea!
What you said about seeing things from a ME perspective when you're depressed, that is so true, and your friend is lucky to have someone who understands that. My old friend just called me selfish. But, I've learned so much about friendship these past 2 years, and am trying my hardest to find friends like you. But, the strangest thing is, certain people seem to come into your life when you need them the most.

 

[solitary man]

Well, I've tried being there for my friend, but at this point, I don't think I have the energy or the heart to hang in anymore.

Things have gotten rather odd with him lately, and each time I try to talk to him, I get very short, nasty responses.

If this someone else telling me their problems, I'd tell them move on.

I feel guilty for wanting to cut him out my life, but I think it's something I have to do, no matter how much it hurts.

In the past, I've always avoided opening myself up to anyone, because I see myself as someone who becomes "clingy", which is ironic, because people have said in the past they see me as the opposite.

I still have the highest regard for him, I consider him my brother from another mother, but I get the feeling, especially with the lack of communication, that something's changed on his part.

Man, who ever said relationships were easy?

 

[Into The Light]

maybe you both need a little break from each other?

have you asked him about his behaviour? how he feels about the friendship?

 

[solitary man]

The thing is we have taken a good break from each other over the last few months. The only time I speak to him is at work, which is about 2 times a week at best, but that's not the ideal place to really speak how I feel.

I have asked recently if he still considers me a friend, and he said yes, but to me actions speak louder than words.

The funny thing is, I was warned by several people, some who were his former close friends before, and was told that he has many issues, especially anger.

Ok, I'll be the first to admit, my record for friendships over the years hasn't been stellar either, as I'm very reluctant on letting people in.

On the other hand, I have to wonder if this karma coming back to bite in the proverbial arse.

I have been where he is, and treated former friends the same way, never fully understanding that they felt the very same things I'm feeling now.

A little bit older, a lot more wiser.

 

[solitary man]

Well today will go down in infamy for me. I realized today that my friendship with the person I thought was my best friend is officially over.

I got no explanation or reason why he ended it, and I think that's what hurts the most.

Funny thing, I was warned by several people, some who were his previous friends, that this is M.O., and to be careful, because he would do the same to me.

I feel like I've taken a huge step backwards in my fight with my depression, and I wonder if I'm going to recover from this one.

It figures. The one person I confided my struggles and thoughts, and for the first time in a long time, I let someone in.....he stabs me in the back.

I don't think I'll ever do that again.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm so sorry, solitary man. That sounds very hard to go through.

 

[Halo]

I am sorry that your friendship with this person has ended Solitary Man.

What I wonder though is why you think that you feel like you have taken a huge step backwards in your fight with your depression? Were you feeling more depressed before your friendship ended or is it only since the friendship has ended that you feel more depressed?

It figures. The one person I confided my struggles and thoughts, and for the first time in a long time, I let someone in.....he stabs me in the back.

Just because you took a chance and let someone in and became vulnerable and you were ultimately betrayed doesn't mean that it is going to happen again. This was one person who obviously had different motives and values for your friendship but that does not mean that every friendship or relationship that you have is going to be like that. You can't shut everyone out of your life for fear of getting burned and hurt again. If you do, it will ultimately be a very lonely life.

I know that it hurts and you are probably feeling angry which is justified but don't cut everyone else off in your life that you have now or could have in the future.

 

[Into The Light]

i am very sorry to hear this has happened and that you are hurting so much right now. your feelings that you will never trust someone else again are understandable. give yourself time to get over this pain but in time hopefully you'll be able to trust again. i know how hard it is to trust and how scary that is so i do understand your trepidation. is there someone you can talk to about your hurt, like a therapist?

 

[solitary man]

Thanks for the replies.

Halo, I was starting to feel a little depressed before the friendship ended, but I still had hope that it would have been salvageable.

Maybe I hung onto the hope for too long, and ignored the signs that I see now.

I have an appointment with my therapist coming up on thurs.

At my last appointment I told him about the fact that my friendship was ending and I knew it was over.

I didn't realize until yesterday how much the friendship really meant to me.

Now I feel like I'm festering in my anger and want to lash out at my ex-friend.

The icing on the cake is, we both work in the same place, but we don't see each other very often.

I want to hurt him as much as he's hurt me, but I know that would wasting my energy.

At least now I'll be able to see the wolves in sheep's clothing when it comes to friends.

 

[Halo]

I am glad that you have an appointment with your therapist coming up. Hopefully that will give you an opportunity to talk about what you are feeling, anger and all as well as your feelings of depression that are returning.

It must be difficult being that you both work in the same place but like you said at least you don't see each other that often which is good.

I hope you have a good session with your therapist and let us know how it goes.

Take care

 

[lallieth]

Solitary

As I began to get better,I saw more clearly certain people around me were very negative/judgemental and emotional bloodsuckers.I choose not to have these people in my life and so I ended friendships.These people didn't enhance my life,as friends should,but rather drained me and that was detrimental to my own well being.

As you get better,you will see more clearly,who in your life is really there to support you and give you encouragement and those that just want to build their own egos at your emotional/mental expense.

 

[solitary man]

Well I just received a message from my shrink, he'll be off this weekend early, so my appointment for Thursday is off.

I've be thinking a lot today, more than usual, and yes lallieth, I see your point of "bloodsuckers".

My ex-friend is definitely one of them. In the past I made sure not to upset him for fear of losing his friendship.

Man, those rose coloured glasses are so off!

Case in point, back in December I suffered an anaphylactic attack while at work. I was not able to get hold of any of my family members on the phone, so my last resort was to call him at work.

Talking with him, he didn't seem too concerned that I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance because I wasn't doing very well.

Foolishly, I went to work the next day, and the first thing he said to me was "You're a f***ing idiot to come into work". Later in the day, I told him that I was really disappointed in him for not checking up on me at the hospital and for his comment earlier in the morning.

Next thing I know, he gets angry at me for making him feel guilty, then yells at me saying "I'm too much work!"

I now wish I had the courage to say goobye back then.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

 

[Into The Light]

that sounds horrible. i think it probably is better for you that the friendship is over, as painful as it is. for him not to care that you were rushed to the hospital says it all.

take care, solitary man.