Newly Diagnosed and Struggling

[Willow]

Hello,

I was just diagnosed with BPD. Actually, I was diagnosed officially in 2007, but they decided not to tell me. In fact, I don't think I was even told they suspected a personality disorder at all for the last 9 years of my therapy. I requested to see my own files last month which was the first time I found out. Admittedly, I told them I wasn't hearing anything about emotional problems in the past as it was the very little fragment of positive self-image I had left after getting my first diagnosis of "psychotic with possible schizophrenia" from the very intelligent doctor who spent all of 10 minutes with me who failed to realize I'd only been experiencing an acute psychosis. I had enough sanity at that point to run far from that one. After that wonderful experience I attended therapy for severe agoraphobia (of which I still suffer from). Which brings me to now.....

I get the impression I'm one of these "quiet bpd's". The only time my problems get drawn out of me where they can be seen is when I get into an intimate relationship, which I soon kill within 3 months due to my incessant fears and lack of faith. Thing is, I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to tell anyone that I have feelings, fears, anxieties, and let on that I'm vulnerable. I don't want to feel it because it hurts them to know. Because I can't keep a hold on my own mind or heart for more than a few hours without assuming the worst, and the good memories dissipate in a puff of smoke apparently.

Now is a terribly hard time to find out this diagnosis.. I happen to like someone who I'd like to have a relationship with but who has issues of their own that they need to deal with. Don't get me wrong - I'm not as rational as I may come off as about this.. Not one bit. I'm losing control. I've never lost so much control in my life, now finding comfort in self-harm because I can't deal with the pain this is causing me, and the pain it is causing them. I feel shame that I don't want to feel. I've gone absolutely ballistic over this grey area, and to top it all off, I have no psychs anymore. I was discharged for 'refusing treatment' after being told I'd seen every doctor at the hospital, and because I didn't feel it was possible for me to see my old psychologist. I feel hopelessness that I don't want to feel. I feel I have no one else I can go to... No one that truly could understand.. No one who can truly -help- me with the fact that I am apparently now diagnosed officially with BPD. I have to wait... I'm on a ton of wait lists... I'm fighting for a chance at recovery, while also fighting an internal resistance to stick around this person who actually gives a damn about me but which I find doubly hard to comprehend since they can't -be- with me.

I feel it is worse for me to reach out in a place like this. I don't want to admit it. I don't want to feel it.. Any of it! I want to disappear from this person's life by cutting them out so neither of us has to feel this pain. If we were breaking up, it would be easy... But there is this lingering "chance". This bloody grey area that I'm apparently incapable of handling! And it is tearing me to bits.

I can see the toll this stress is taking on them. I do not want to hurt and yet that is what I keep doing it seems. Unintentionally.. Baffling... How can this happen? How can I do what I don't want to do? How can trying to get better hurt that much more? I am trying to do DBT on my own but I feel I am failing, too. I feel so caught... I am so afraid I will just turn out to be everything he doesn't want, and the light at the end of the tunnel is supposed to be that I won't care when we reach it. Why is the friendship not enough for me? Why is it twice as painful to let myself show this because that's all we are? The chance of loss... Of abandonment... Seems all the more high. I don't want to feel this pain.

WHY do psychologists charge 100+ an hour and aren't covered by disability insurance? WHY is it so hard for the people who need help the most to GET IT?

 

[Daniel E.]

No one who can truly -help- me with the fact that I am apparently now diagnosed officially with BPD. I have to wait... I'm on a ton of wait lists...

Does that include waiting to see a psychiatrist or a lower-cost therapist?

I am trying to do DBT on my own but I feel I am failing, too.

It is harder on one's own, but it's certainly good what you are doing. As you may already be reading, there are self-help books on DBT, and the video transcripts by Marsha Linehan that are pretty good, as mentioned in this thread:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-and-therapists/15420-dialectical-behaviour-therapy.html

 

[Willow]

Yes and yes. There seems to be all of 4 people in this lovely hell hole of a city who actually have any willingness to see people with BPD. The one person who specializes in BPD that both my old psychiatrist and my physician have recommended and attempted to get me in to see isn't taking referrals. I've reached dead ends such as "if you're not homeless, and you're not a criminal, we have no DBT program for you, at least not for 2 years." I am really reaching out EVERYWHERE. The best I've found is 3 months which is great, so I hear, but a lifetime for someone suffering and seeking. And I saw what you previously wrote about meds - I'm not keen on them, which is another little tidbit of this new found reality that I get to face.. Yay!

I am using a DBT self-help book. I feel with every technique that I am putting on more of a facade. It's all so foreign from what I know. I can't tell when I should or shouldn't speak up either. I can't differentiate between what's real or not real with my emotions anymore.. Or what warrants reaction and what doesn't. At the very least, whether I deserved it or not, at least I previously felt some confidence in what I felt. Now? Confusion. It's all confusion and no feedback. From a professional. It's painful to myself and the one person deeply involved in this, because even if I think or feel at a time that what I am saying holds validity, and that I am totally trying to make things better and help them understand, I'm certain it's hurtful somehow... It's all pain. Ugh.

Does that include waiting to see a psychiatrist or a lower-cost therapist?

In the interim, regarding DBT self-help, there are self-help books on DBT.

 

[NicNak]

Hi there Willow.

I infact just recently found out my full diagnosis too, I think there could be more, and was quite taken upset about it too.

Putting a title on my diagnosis filled me with fear and worries about how people would judge me.

But then I stopped and realized, that I was the same person the day before. My diagnosis is just that, a diagnosis for the doctors to be able to explain my challenges to my insurance company.

It does not define who I am as a person. It only defines the challenges I have, which I was fully aware of already.

Regarding the diagnosis and how it effects relationships. I think of this a lot too, but ultimately I cannot change how people may view me. I find the friends who care about me are very excepting.

They are fully aware of what is happening with me and as long as they know how to assist if need be, they are fine with it.

I currently see a Psychiatrist and it is covered by OHIP.

I am not sure why a Psycholgist would not be covered by your disability insurance, but all plans are different, unfortunetly.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi Willow I am so sorry you are struggling right now. Borderline Personality Disorder is such a hard disease in that your right no-one in the professional field wants to take in on. My daughter found this to be true as well. The big thing here is not to give up hope because you are worth every bit of fighting for. My daughter finally got help with a program that treats just BPD and I saw a great improvement after she attended this program. I don't know if you have it there but it is call Beacon House. There is one in Oshawa and Stouville Ontario. You have to do the calling to get help not a doctor but you will need a support system outside the program as well. You stay in house Mon-Frid and go home on weekends and it runs 6mths. Excellent program for BPD ,they have people from all over go there. Go online under Beacon House and read up on it and if it is for you give them a call okay. It will be you getting help for you. Take care mary If you can't find it on line let me know I will try to get information for you Mary.

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Hi Willow i wrote 6mths the program runs 12 weeks 3mths okay take care mary

 

[Willow]

Thanks for your input, NicNak. I'm not terribly concerned with the diagnosis itself, it's the treatment that's distressing, since I can't seem to follow the tools without facing the resistance of who I know myself to be.. And the comfort there is in doing things as I always have. So foreign.

Anyway, the only way a psychologist is covered is if I go through the hospital and see a psychiatrist first, who then refers me. This is a 6 month wait list. The therapist I'm on a wait list for is about 3 months. But I need something now. I feel a race with the clock as I feel I am ruining what chance I have with this person I like. And I'm supposed to not care so much about this but I DO. I can't deal with recognizing what I'm doing but changing it, like I said, is feeling so fake to me.


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Thank-you Mary. Not giving up hope is very VERY hard for me right now. There are so many aspects I lose hope for from one minute to the next. I want to succumb to my old ways more often than not as the new ways... I feel I am losing myself. I feel I am throwing away what bit of me I know. I feel like I have to and other people have the luck to have their negatives and be just fine with them. Well I'm feeling all I am is wrong. And I have to accept that. And that's painful. I don't want to feel this.

These places you recommended are really far away, and I've never been in inpatient care.... Scares the crap out of me. Thanks though. Inpatient would be the very last thing I considered, and honestly, I am aware that unless I meet some devastating criteria, there would be a wait list for that, too. Yay for bureaucratic BS! I'm glad your daughter got help though.

 

[forgetmenot]

Okay Willow i know it is hard really i have seen the struggle first hand and i just want you to know if you need to talk no problems okay. This program is in a house not a hospital and it is like a family working together on problems. I will give you the crisis number just in case as they will be able maybe to give you some ideas as well. 1-800-263-2679 let them know your struggling and explain to them you need help hopefully they will have contacts for you in ottawa best wishes mary

 

[NicNak]

Thanks for your input, NicNak. I'm not terribly concerned with the diagnosis itself, it's the treatment that's distressing, since I can't seem to follow the tools without facing the resistance of who I know myself to be.. And the comfort there is in doing things as I always have. So foreign.

Anyway, the only way a psychologist is covered is if I go through the hospital and see a psychiatrist first, who then refers me. This is a 6 month wait list. The therapist I'm on a wait list for is about 3 months. But I need something now. I feel a race with the clock as I feel I am ruining what chance I have with this person I like. And I'm supposed to not care so much about this but I DO. I can't deal with recognizing what I'm doing but changing it, like I said, is feeling so fake to me.

Therapy is a process that takes time. I would hope the person you like would be understanding of what you are going through and see you through it.

I had a bit of a "complex" of sorts when I first started meds and therapy too. I wondered if it was changing who I was as a person. What I found is, I have a core which encompasses my morals, values and spirit. Those things have not changed. Those are the very foundation of who I am. Therapy helps to rebuild so to speak, from that foundation. I found it to be filled with lots of self discovery.

 

[Tigger]

It has taken me 30 years to get diagnosed and I am now proud to say I have BDP because I can now get help that I have desperately needed all these years.

It is scary starting your healing journey but it is worth it. I have been actively working on DBT for almost a year and my friends and family see such a difference in me and my relationships are improving so remember Change is possible.

I am happy to discuss any of the skills you are struggling with so please ask any questions you may have.

Here are so resources that might help you:

Dr. Shankar at Oshawa Clinic and one other Dr. there I know offer DBT.

Dr. Rexiach in Markham offers DBT as well.

CHMA in Toronto has a DBP clinic (concurrent disorders section). They offer a 20 week skills course and it is worth it....even if all you get out of it that you are not alone with with your feelings. There is a waiting list and it takes about 6 months.

There are lots of good websites for both DBT and BPD so read everything you can possible can. It may be scarey when you read it, but remember life is a journey and some days are harder then others but change is possible. You are a good person and you don't need to suffer in pain....trust me!

Best approach to the skills.....

1) Emotion and Regulation 1st.....the others will come.

2) Mindfulness....you have to be in the moment to control your behaviour.....learning to change this is hard so after every event....go back and reevaluate...eventually you can start to see yourself....as it starts to happen and you can then begin to take better control of your behaviour.

I hope this helps....I am struggling too....but...might be able to offer some support to you...so ask your questions and I can share what I have learned about the skills.

Remember your behaviour was formed before the age of 5 so this is tough mental programming to break. This journey will unfold in babysteps so hang in there...chagne is possible!

It also helps to look at your family dynamics....parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles....we are all victims of our upbrings.......and you can start to understand how you played a role in the family group dynamic based on how there bad behaviour (like neglect, etc) caused you to feel the way you do.....

Finally, remember to move past the fear, anger and resentment....live in the present moment (mindfulness) and breath..........

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Thank you for all that information, Tigger, and welcome to Psychlinks!

 

[Halo]

Yes that's some great information and resources and thank you for those. By the way, welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

 

[Willow]

Thank-you for everyone's supportive comments. I'm finding this really hard. I might get a referral for emergency services here soon. Going outside the city isn't an option for me. As for questions.....

My biggest problem areas are expectations, proper communication, assumptions, dissociation and independence/sense of self.

Expectations: I don't know how to differentiate between what I should and shouldn't expect. I am very vocal about what I want, and possibly what I need in relationships, but not in a healthy way. I THINK I'm saying things clearly, which is half the problem. I realize that I often resist saying things as clearly as I should though because I'm afraid of the answer, too, because part of the problem with my expectations is I find taking no SO HARD. You'd think I'd just not ask then, but I do, then get hurt when the answer is no, because I also expect what I'm asking for right in the moment as well. Sooooo I don't know how to tell what I should and shouldn't ask for, what's fair... And when I ask for it, I don't know how to do it properly by either asking clearly (which I view as more manipulative than my usual methods) and/or by accepting that the answer will not be to my liking without flipping out. Not to mention it feels fake....... I know the person who sees this most knows and now expects me to react in a certain way, so I face 'he thinks I'm faking now' type thoughts on top of it all.

Assumptions: I often assume the worst. Every bit of good disappears (this has more to do with my way of dissociating). If he doesn't want to or can't come over right away, he doesn't care about me anymore. If he doesn't try to make plans with me for 4 days, despite calling me everyday, even during the time when he has to pay extra airtime on his phone to do so, he doesn't like me and doesn't want to spend time with me. If he leaves before he absolutely has to, same thing. If he doesn't stay past a certain hour alone at my place, but will stay out til late with others on a regular basis, SAME THING. I don't know how not to do this. It SEEMS logical to me. And again, with the first thing, I don't know how to express it in a way that isn't painful if I actually have any valid reason to bring it up. Even ASKING gets defenses up... So I try to think 'oh ya, I had some doing in why that happens now' but there again is the pain. It's all my fault? And then resentment builds.. It's so complicated.

Dissociation: I feel this in a lot of ways. I feel it when I go outside alone, because I've been agoraphobic so long and there's so much to take in. I feel it sometimes in social situations where I just end up feeling like a freak or like I'm not really there. But I just started noticing how I do it when I end up having a 'tantrum' and I cannot hear the nice things that are being said at all. For instance, one day I broke out and in the midst he offered me a bike because he thought it might make it easier for me to get around alone. Yesterday, while I was just on the verge of freaking out, we were saying goodbye and my mind did not hear him say 'see you tomorrow' until I was alone, going to sleep and remembering the conversation. Stuff like this.... The pain takes hold and I don't know how to get out of it other than totally disconnecting from it, or something? Yet I can see all the negative! And I guess this is amidst me feeling guilt and pain for what I feel is all my fault, and I can't handle it. So I'm supposed to 'see the thought and have it pass' but omg... When is it okay to think? And wouldn't I avoid even the good in doing that? Plus, it's that much harder in these moments where I've already lost control and am disconnecting from it..........

Independence: I get that half of what I'm supposed to do is put more importance in other areas of my life. This is the freakin' worst part of it all for me because of the agoraphobia for one, which is hard enough on its own without BPD issues. Two, I feel afraid of losing what support I have in doing so.. Especially his. And scarier still, he is pushing me to do this. Every time I see him make plans for things that don't include me I get scared that he is moving that much further away from me. And now I'm supposed to go and make plans that don't include him, making me feel -I- am moving further away from him? It makes me ill, and the fears and anxieties grow so much in this area. I don't even have a sense of who I am and I'm afraid in creating that... Re-establishing that... It might mean he won't like me. I don't know how to even like myself if he doesn't like me, you see? So hello abandonment fears, full-fledged, get me the hell out of here type of feelings. I'd rather run away than face that possible reality.

Lastly, there's some idea in me that.. At least partially, the evidence that what I'm doing is good for ME (first and foremost) will show in him, since right now, it's no less painful for me than past ways of doing things, so I don't see how I can see the evidence purely in myself. Maybe that thinking is a mistake, but what matters to me in regards to this problem is of course the relationships I have with people... And right now, especially the relationship I have with him, -especially- because the problems I have come out most with him therefore affecting him more than anyone else outside of this. So is that wrong? The problem I see in this is expectations of what that evidence will be... More closeness, less pulling away, wanting to go out with me. It friggin' complicates things so much because he's planning on LEAVING and he has his own problems to work out too which is half of why we're not dating! UGH. At the end of this bloody road I feel scared that, if my overall hope/idea/expectation of us going out doesn't happen, I'm going to be worse off than before. It's in THIS big fear that I find myself rehashing some particularly painful past and I just want to throw up. I'm supposed to fix me for me, but this problem isn't totally about me.. It happens in relationships, so I want to fix this so I can have better relationships. Well I care a damn lot about my relationship, and the relationship I want to have with this person... So in the end, if he leaves, and he doesn't want to be with me even in spite of any improvement... What then? This is what I mean by the "light at the end of the tunnel should be that I don't care". Well I care a damn lot and I can't see myself stopping.

So there you have it............................ Bleh.

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And right now... Today's one of those days when I want to throw it all away on account of throwing it away so often when I don't want to.

Why is everything a contradiction? Why is it one pole or the other? Why is it that every bit of me that wants to be the idea I have of the person in the middle is completely convinced that that's just NOT me. Why does it feel like this is a fight to become a person I'm not, despite wanting to be that person? "Accept yourself the way you are," right? Well I can't sort out where that thought fits in amidst this struggle. It all feels pretend.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Why is everything a contradiction? Why is it one pole or the other? Why is it that every bit of me that wants to be the idea I have of the person in the middle is completely convinced that that's just NOT me. Why does it feel like this is a fight to become a person I'm not, despite wanting to be that person? "Accept yourself the way you are," right? Well I can't sort out where that thought fits in amidst this struggle. It all feels pretend.

The short answer is: Because these are the defining characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. That's why you were given this particular diagnosis. And that's what is being or needs to be addressed in your therapy.

 

[Tigger]

Willow I know exactly what you are talking about and I feel your pain and frustration.

You are struggling because somewhere along the line your emotional development got arrested.

Up until a year ago, I acted like a 2 year old and wanted someone to give me all the love and nuturing I did not get as a child. No one can give you this but yourself now....use the self soothe skills of DBT.

I understand the questioning your thinking and not really knowing if you are thinking correctly. In my life, I believe this comes from the contraction in my life from my family members. Your inner child has been injured and you need to heal this and form your true identity. My identity for the past 40 years has been my family projections of who I am and not my true self. I was not allowed to grow up and make decisions for myself and now I can....it feel weird and scarey......move past this and you will being to feel more regulated.

I would recommend several books for you:

1) Change your thinking: Overcome Stress, Anxiety & Depression and Improve Your Life With CBT.

2) The DBT Skills Workbook from New Harbinger Publications.

3) Understanding Borderline Mothers

4) Get me out of here - My recovery from Boderline Personality Disorder - Rachel Reiland

I would also ask how are you trying to teach yourself DBT? What books, internet sites, etc are you using?

Alot of my healing has come from looking at my relationships with my Parents....or the lack there of is more the case.

I have found that John Bradshaws, Home Coming and Shame book exteremely helpful in my healing journey.

I too struggle with my closes relationships and this is because I was never taught how to properly and healthly interact with people growing up. DBT skills will help you as well. Start with DEAR MAN....I am learning this one now .... so hang in there and I can tell you how it all works out soon....

You have to be paitient with yourself and know that you are on a healing journey and it won't change over night......basic RADICAL ACCEPTANCE 101...

The best thing I have found to work for me with my closes relationships is to talk about the disorder and educate the people around you....get them to understand why and how you act the way we do.....

Pat yourself on the back for your small wins and remember to stay in the current moment.....your fear of losing the man in your life is because you are living in the past and the future....what is happening in every single interaction? Its hard to focus....but do your best to live fully in every interaction and listen to everything being said....as best you can.

Don't beat yourself up if you slip up or make a mistake this is a process.....keep positive and take one moment at a time....Breath...Relax...breath.....

If a relationship is meant to be it will stand the test of time.....

You can't change other people only yourself.....

Remember that the pain you feel....is not only the pain from the current situation, but every single simliar situation you have perviously experienced, times 10...... Live in the moment and be the interaction with the current person....I relate this back to being more like Post Tramatic Stress.....we were never allowed to deal with our past hurts in a productive way....I bet some how you were not allowed to express them in order to feel / heal with them in the past.....so feel the pain now once and for all....grieve it and release it........you will become more regulated.....remember pain is gain.....when you are on a healing journey....

You have to remember to move yourself from victim to active parctipant...in order to fully change.....

Now that you have read this post....go do something you enjoy...even if you don't feel like you want too.....do the opposite (DBT opposite action)....and remember to half smile and your mood will pick up.....

Hugs,

 

[Liza]

Dear Willow
My heart goes out to you. Alot of what your saying sounds like it is coming from my daughter. Please go to another hospital, another psychologist and get the help you need/ deserve.

 

[Willow]

Tigger: Thanks again for all the info. I am actually using the exact book (DBT Skills Workbook) you recommended. I've almost completed it. My only complaint is all the meditative exercises.. I find meditating impossibly hard and my frustration from that tends to leave me more agitated. I have enjoyed the written exercises and some of the coping strategies, though they often go out the window when I am in full blown 'tantrum/freak out' mode.

As for looking at my relationship with my parents... Not really sure what to do with it once I do that? I'm having more flashbacks than usual.. Albeit I'm freaking out more often than usual now, too, or am becoming more aware of what's triggering me BEYOND the current situation, and I can sense a lot of uhm... Traumatic stuff that's eating me up, small as it may be. Like I said... Dunno what to do about it?

It's really hard not to beat myself up, too. Literally sometimes -_- I had a very bad freak out yesterday. Was fully prepared to kick this guy completely from my life again, so I could begin 'letting go', because I don't know how to do it with him around if we don't end up being something! And I went to extremes. When he wouldn't pick up his things that day, I sank even lower. I sent a crazy amount of txt messages to him. He tried to be logical and understanding with me but I couldn't hear it. By a few hours later I was the one begging him to stay again! It's nuts! And this morning he was upset but caring again.. It messes up my brain to see him be at both ends at once, too, since I seem so incapable of it. Ugh.

Liza: Thank-you.. I'm still on the hunt. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs and deserves as well. I ran into a bit of luck today. I went to my family doctor and pushed for emergency services but that didn't quite pan out. She then remembered they had a new social worker on site and was able to organize a meeting with her for me. This gave me a bit of hope. I also found a psychotherapist in my area that I'm going to call tomorrow and see if that is an option.

It was a HUGE push for me to go today despite feeling so bad. All last night I was sure I wouldn't make it due to being such a wreck. I amazed myself in that at least, and was surprised I even felt kind of better, if not completely exhausted because I got 4-5 hours sleep.

 

[Jazzey]

As for looking at my relationship with my parents... Not really sure what to do with it once I do that? I'm having more flashbacks than usual.. Albeit I'm freaking out more often than usual now, too, or am becoming more aware of what's triggering me BEYOND the current situation, and I can sense a lot of uhm... Traumatic stuff that's eating me up, small as it may be. Like I said... Dunno what to do about it?

Hi Willow,

I'm just sneaking in on this thread . This particular quote spoke to me tonight - I'm currently dealing with similar issues. Issues that I've know have existed for a long time now for me - that I've consistently ignored because, frankly, I didn't know what to do...But the traumatic stuff does end up eating us up...

I had a therapy session today where I laid everything down with my psychologist. It was an incredibly good session. But emotional too. Like you, the traumatic stuff is bubbling to the surface and I'm never sure where to put it all. It's overwhelming and only helps to suffocate me.

Today my psychologist gave me a great coping mechanism (I think) - she asked me to compartmentalize these things - got me to visualize putting it in a box, on a shelf behind me. Together we sorted through this avalanche of thoughts and emotions - a lot of stuff....

Can you try the visualization of it? So, for instance, one of my things was anger towards a particular family member - put it in the box, on the shelf. All of these ideas will only be pulled off the shelf at a later date when I can deal with it in a healthy way.

And I can relate to much of your post - I'm at the beginning of my journey in therapy and 'self-knowledge'.

 

[Tigger]

Hi Willow / Jazzy,

You are not alone. You descirbe my life and feelings too. Espeically TXT Messages...ugh.

Okay, I know that mindfulness skills are difficult but they help you honest they do. The key with these is to practice, practice, practice. They may seem different or not working but they do.

Remember not to judge or label yourself doing these activites. There is no right or way to do these. They will become easier over time.

If you have the DBT skills book it might be helpful to record the instructions on a tape/CD so that you can play it as you practice. My therepist recorded some of these and it is very helpful...especially since her voice is none triggering for me. Use the one on page 46

Start with just breathing. My theripst told me that each time I look at the clock to check my breathing and focus on deep breaths. She is right because 9 out of 10 times I am shallow breathing.

Other mindful excercises I like are page 68 focus on a single object - we use this one at group alot. Page 87 - Wise mind is a key excercise. Finally Judgement Defusion is a simlar idea to putting the thoughts in the box idea that Jazzy mentioned. See page 98.

Emotions are like waves and they will peak and then retun back to a more regulated level. The key is to distract yoursellf until you are more regulated.

You are on a healing journey and have lots to deal with and you will at your own time. The importance is to keep moving forward and don't judge yourself because somethings will heal fast and somethings will take a long time....

Hope this helps!

Remember to ride the waves!

Hugs!

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Hi Willow,

I think BDP is very similar to PSTD......

I know that I have more flashbacks as well because I have locked a lot of things away as a coping mechanism and as I start to heal and pull back the layers....more is exposed/experienced and/or healed!

I never use to dream about people in my life and now I do. I also have fights with them in my dreams....which is better then in person....

Just remember there is a an action and a reaction in every relationship/interactions and its our preception/realtiy that causes us to feel the way we do....change your thinking and you will change your feelings.

Investigate the following books - I read them and they help me understand so much!

Change Your Thinking: Overcome Stress, Anxiety, and Depression, and Improve Your Life with CBT
Sarah Edelman

Also, I Hate You Dont Leave Me
Author: Jerold J Kreisman|

Get Me Out Of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder
Author: Rachel Reiland

Understanding The Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend The Intense, Unpredictable, And Volatile Relationship
Author: Christine Lawson

Homecoming: Reclaiming And Healing Your Inner Child
Author: John Bradshaw

Healing the Shame that Binds You: Recovery Classics Edition
Author: John Bradshaw|

Full Catastrophe Living: Using The Wisdom Of Your Body And Mind To Face Stress, Pain, And Illness
Author: Jon Kabat-zinn

Adult Children Of Alcoholics Syndrome: A Step By Step Guide To Discovery And Recovery
Wayne Kritsberg

As always ride the wave!

Hugs

 

[Jazzey]

I never use to dream about people in my life and now I do. I also have fights with them in my dreams....which is better then in person....

Wow...It's funny how we can live in our personal bubbles Tigger - that's what I've been doing - I'm fighting everyone in my dreams and just thought that this was a "me" thing..

Thank you so much for sharing this tonight - that's a lot of insight for me...I've never dreamt as much as I have in the last few months.

 

[Willow]

I wasn't able to deal with the resentment that built up over the last 3 days, and the 3 months. I've been here.. Trying. He wanted me to. I said I couldn't handle it. I watch myself fall apart more than I ever have. But I break down, and sometimes say I need him here NOW but he doesn't come. I feel he doesn't see how much I'm hurting. Then today, I couldn't get rid of the hate. I haven't even seen him since Sunday. Wed. I flipped out and he said he'd come the next day but things got worse and I guess he didn't come because of that. I feel it's purposely making me suffer. Then today.. maybe maybe maybe.. Always a maybe with him.. He didn't come, and he wouldn't even when I asked nicely, but then I said I was mad at him and he was shocked. I agreed... Of course I never have any reason to be angry. But then the resent builds again. And he told me not to act rude when people are already angry at you. I wrote him a long email. I dunno if it's mean.. Doubt he's read it yet. Told him this is it. Just leave. Just think of me in the bad light. I don't feel anything at this point. Like, I'm functioning...... I don't care............ Deep down I feel myself trying to.................. But I dunno if I should.................... If he'd just never came back, it wouldn't have happened. I told him to just not come back before. But HE wanted me to stay. So I tried.. 3 months I tried. And here I am. It's all my fault. But resentment. Then more my fault. Then more resentment.

?

I don't want to feel the pain myself. I don't want to cause him the pain. Only way I know how is to get rid of him. But now nothing seems salvageable. If he'd just never came back. If he'd just waited til I'd moved on.