Newly Diagnosed and Struggling

[David Baxter PhD]

Perhaps your best course of action is to step back, distance yourself a bit, put this relationship on a strictly friendshiop level and hold him to that until he figures himself out. Otherwise, chances are you are going to continue to feel hurt and confused and possibly used.

 

[Willow]

Aiyo. That is what last night and today has been about. But what a painful experience it is.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Aiyo. That is what last night and today has been about. But what a painful experience it is.

Yes, I know. Short-term pain for long-term gain?

 

[Willow]

All I can see is the possible loss.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I understand that it feels that way.

But it's not really a loss if you never had it. It's only the loss of a dream, a wish, or a fantasy... and the pain that goes along with being thwarted in realizing that dream.

 

[Willow]

Mmmmmmm how does that make it different? It doesn't hurt less?

It's this friends thing that I haven't been able to do in the first place though.. Not having a whole lot of faith.

 

[white page]

Dear Willow,
I agree a 100% with Dr Baxter, it is not a reflection of you, if this relationship is not working out, I also agree that the short term pain of loss is infinetely preferable to an accumulation of pain caused by ambivelent unrespectful words and actions in the disguise of 'friendship'. By refusing this behaviour you leave space in your life for better relationships. Thus the long term gain that Dr Baxter speaks of. I am very happy that you posted about this here, please be reassured that it is not you who is weird in this situation and don't let any one shake that belief, you are right for you and your values are very similar to many persons values. I myself would not at all feel comfortable with this and would question seriously the motives of a friend who suggested this.
Like you I would also feel uncomfortable if a bf of mine did this with lady friends. It is not part of our western culture to cuddle and sleep with friends, unless we have known them since early childhood and a brotherly/ sisterly relationship is well established and acknowledged by everyone else. even this is very rare. and once the friends form couples this stops out of respect for the partners.

I relate to what you say about feeling you can't do the friends thing. This again is not a reflection of you. Real friends are not that numerous in our lives and it takes time to realise what sort of people we really want as friends, because friendship is a relationship of choice and not an imposed relationship. A saying I like is, " We cannot choose our families, but we can choose our friends".

my very best wishes wp

 

[Willow]

Eh, thanks white page. I'm really feeling cynical though. Like... "yay, more room for more relationships I fail at." heh Ehm..... But ya.... I'm actually afraid he'll say something to 'make it better' now and then I'll be right back where I was, but at the same time.. I kind of..... Get it....... Like.... Maybe I shouldn't keep liking him like this? But I dunno if I'm just in the hate spectrum of BPD now.... Though I'm not trying to kick him out of my life so I can move on either............... Even though I kinda wanna....... Even though I feel sort of okay for now.... But a few hours and I'll probably be sobby or something, then fine again, then...... Sobby.......... ~eyeroll~

But I'm stressed enough as it is cause I start school tomorrow and ugh the bus is like half an hour, then I'm at class for 3 hours, then half hour back... And I don't even really know where I'm going! And agoraphobia for one.... But then if I feel soppy at that point.... Guh. I'm really trying hard to keep functioning today even. I would rather be on the couch sulking =P

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ----------

Well I'm falling apart again. Asked for that clarification. He said he'd be willing to discuss it with his gf if she ever felt uncomfortable with him comforting a friend that way, but then completely dismissed my feelings about his part in us being so grey. He says one thing, does another. He didn't say no to my advances. He also made his own. But it was all in my head to him. Because he said FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS so I just should have known not to do anything. I can't even write the rest. Hate. Pain.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

But he has made one thing quite clear, hasn't he?

It would appear that he is not interested in a relationship with you. Friends. Maybe friends with benefits. But not a committed relationship.

 

[Willow]

He never really did make it clear though. I'm not freakin' imagining things but I feel like he's telling me I am! He would blame us not being together because of the situation.. Our situations not being good, and his travel plans.. He couldn't just say he didn't like me that way.

 

[forgetmenot]

Willow so much pain for who He is not worth this kind of pain. Let him go Willow find someone who truly cares about you. He has made it clear to you what his idea of friends is now make it clear to him its not going to happen. Take care Willow i hope you see you are special and deserve to be treated that way mary.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

He never really did make it clear though. I'm not freakin' imagining things

I meant that he seems to have made it very clear now.

 

[Willow]

Ya and I feel like crap now cause I see his good sides but OMG this is such a horrible side. He will never even care enough to call when stuff like this happens. It's all sms and email which doesn't help. And he just says 'good night'! And basically tells me I'm crazy.

 

[Yuray]

I made a square fit into a circle once. It took great effort, and a very large hammer, but it went in. I was told it could not be done. I proved them all wrong. Things no longer have their original geometry, except for the hammer.

 

[Willow]

I can't even believe this side is so horrible. I just can't. Maybe I'm deluding myself, but I feel like something's being unsaid, even in trying not to think he is one or the other (good/evil)... Somewhere in between... I can't believe he would be like this unless he wasn't saying something. Maybe I'll believe it just long enough to have him prove me wrong, but it's comfort I'll take until I get an answer from him anyway.

I do appreciate everyone's advice and concerns, especially since I do fall apart very quickly and easily, and TALKING is probably my biggest problem where impulsiveness is concerned, but I've known him for 3 years and in the end, no one can really decide the final answer to this but me. And I think that's a bigger step to seeing shades of grey and meeting responsibility than finalizing anything based on one situation, or relying on a perspective other than mine to tell me what to do.

That's cute, Yuray. I once had a very short dream that my friend said to me "I'm such a square." and I replied "Better than being a circle."

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Willow,

I see you repeating this notion that "he hasn't made things clear". You talk here as though he is the great determinator of what things may come.

Maybe it's time that you made a decision for yourself - what is it that you want? Are you ok with a friendship where there is flirting or allusions to a possible future when the other person already has someone in his life?

What do you want for yourself Willow? My inclination would be to tell you that, irrespective of who this person is, you deserve more...

 

[Yuray]

Hi Willow

He has a girlfriend, yet says he asks her if he can comfort you. Cuddling, spooning, etc. I hardly think he is telling that to his gf. How do you feel about your presence breaking up their relationship? Why on earth would you want to be with a man who is so cryptic and vague? You mention many of his bad points, and very few good ones. You realize if you succeed at whatever cost in having this man in your life, that he will be available to others for
'comfort'. Will you still want him when you get him? The chase will be over, and suspicion will replace it.

I know the irrationality of emotion. The blindness it causes, and its appetite for abberance from the norm. The utter ignorance in loss of control, the control that should dictate survival. Focused on one thing only: getting what is impossible, or at the best, unhealthy.

He has made his place in your life quite clear to all but you. Your refusal to recognize it, your bargaining, your rewriting courtship protocols, will all lead to your spiral into absurdity and relinquishment of self esteem. There are more than BPD issues here.

Many individuals in here have recognized what the situation is, and have commented on it, yet you seem to ignore sound information and defer to your emotions and defend his actions at times. How much suffering do you think you have to punish yourself with? We have heard all there is to hear of the matter, so now, what are you going to do about it? Stay where you are in the realm of hope, or make the painful move to healing yourself?

A little bit of pain each day to maintain your present moods will be better served coming all at once and cut the ties, then the rationality of clear thought can creep in. Yes I know its hard. Its crippling, but you are crippled already. How much worse could your life be?

What are you going to do?

Yuray

 

[Willow]

Yuray, he has no girlfriend. I'm not sure where you got that impression.

"Many individuals in here have recognized what the situation is..."

According to one person's side. According to just MY side. Do you really know HIS? Do I?

"... and have commented on it, yet you seem to ignore sound information and defer to your emotions and defend his actions at times."

I don't mean to defend anybody, as I think some of his words and my perception of his actions have been cruel. That doesn't make this situation as black and white as everyone else would apparently like to support it as such either though.. Heh. As in, do you even know the HALF of what I have put this person through? As in, do you know the HALF of what he has dealt with up until this point already? I have BPD, and am very good at seeing black and white, and describing things as black and white, and making them seem black and white, only to have it bite me in the butt... Like right now, when no one but me is apparently recognizing how one sided I've been expressing myself.

"How much suffering do you think you have to punish yourself with? We have heard all there is to hear of the matter, so now, what are you going to do about it? Stay where you are in the realm of hope, or make the painful move to healing yourself?"

Any love is pain to me. Should I just not love anymore? Anyone, ever again? Please. I am sick. And my pain is not just painful for me but those that are involved with me. That is worth consideration when it comes to my life and love interests. If no one else is willing to say it to me, then I will.

And for what it's worth, I think a little hope and faith is part of healing myself.


Jazzey:

"I see you repeating this notion that "he hasn't made things clear". You talk here as though he is the great determinator of what things may come."

Maybe it's me who hasn't been clear. He hasn't made things clear for me in talking on a level that I can comprehend very well... Black and white. Again, in our most recent conversation, he has stated again that he does have feelings for me but the situation just isn't good. I don't get it. I don't know how to handle it. To me, that's unclear. Apparently to him, it's very clear.

"Maybe it's time that you made a decision for yourself - what is it that you want? Are you ok with a friendship where there is flirting or allusions to a possible future when the other person already has someone in his life?"

When in god's name did I ever say he had a girlfriend? Srsly u guyz, srsly!

As per making decisions for myself - I wholeheartedly agree. If only I could do that without the PAIN that comes with it. If only I could take comfort in black and white now, which I can't seem to. If only I could be happy in the grey, which is hard because I don't understand it AT ALL. What I want is to be his girlfriend, which is exactly what he can't be right now. I don't know what my decision should be at this point in regards to that, because here it is in my head:

Black: I kick him out of my life, or just cold shoulder him, and move on.
White: Keep acting like a sappy bugger, fall to pieces, let my feelings completely guide me.
Grey: ?


But I'm working on it, I guess you could say................

"irrespective of who this person is, you deserve more..."

I appreciate that, but I honestly think that accepting such a statement from anyone when you care about someone on a deeper level, no matter how tough the situation is, is not easy... And that decision needs to be made by the people in it.

In any regard, yes, I do deserve "better." The hardest part for me is giving myself that on my own and not expecting it to come from others though. If I weren't already in this place... Where feelings are flying... It might have been easier. It is not where I find myself so I have to work with that.

Excuse my defensiveness, but I did express that I can accentuate the negative. I'm on a forum looking for support. I don't exactly feel some need to list off the many positives that are going on beyond the negatives that trap me in my fears, so I think it's fair to ask to keep that in mind. My intention is never meant to demonize someone, despite my good/evil way of thinking and reacting a lot of the time. It is painful to face this reality when it is reflected back to me as well, and that's as much "defending" as I will do on his behalf.

 

[Yuray]

Sorry 'bout the gf thing. I misinterpreted a previous entry.

"According to one person's side. According to just MY side. Do you really know HIS? Do I?"......You are the only resource we have on this person, and it doesn't sound pretty. Many of us have responded in many different ways, yet you seem to prefer where you are presently at. Is there anything that any of us could say to assist you in resolving anything?

In any event, I hope the course you are on has rewards that exceed the pain you feel now.

Yuray

 

[Mari]

Dear Willow, I was a bit confused also as to whether he actually had a girlfriend or if you were referring to a possible situation occurring. I think what most are saying is that you need to care for yourself first so that you can better deal with the whole situation. Have you met with the social worker yet? :support: Mari