okay, i found this forum because i'm pretty ,much lost and don't know where to go anymore. i'll start from the very beginning of my story as it will all make sense, sorry if this turns out to be a book. ever since i can remember, my dad was very abusive both physically and verbally to me. he never was like this towards my sister or my mother. when i was 10, sexual abuse from him started. my parents divorced when i was 11 and all forms of the abuse continued. i began to get heavily into drugs and drinking at that age and then started self mutilation.
About 3 months before i turned 13, it looked like my parents were going to get back together, and honestly i was terrified of that. my mom knew about the physical and verbal abuse, but not about the sexual. i told her hoping that she wouldn't get back together with him, but i was told that i was a liar and it wasn't true. after that stunning blow, i continued my destructive behavior to myself. finally, i couldn't take living with my mom anymore if i felt that she wasn't going to protect me. i ended up running away and was picked up by the police for breaking curfew. when i was taken home, i threatened to kill myself if they made me stay.
I was then arrested and baker acted to a psychiatric hospital for 3 days. i ended up spending a year and a half there. when i got there, i talked to my therapist and confided in a nurse about the abuse and dcf (department of children and families) was called and an investigation was launched. my father was put on a restraining order and was not allowed within 500 feet of me. my therapist tended to make me feel uncomfortable talking to him and i honestly don't think that he believed me about the abuse. he said that i was a compulsive liar. my depression worsened, and my progress went horribly. i was constantly on a suicide watch and one day, they had me in the padded room and i was wearing overalls. i barricaded the door and tried to kill myself and almost succeded at it.
After a couple more months of this, i finally decided that i just wasn't going to get the help that i needed and decided to play along saying that i was better. they let me out and i had a serious panic attack. i didn't really know what to do. i managed to cope, the investigation between dcf and my father was still going on, yet my mother refused to enforce the restraining order. this went on for another about 2 years and at this time i was 17. at this point the verbal and sexual abuse had stopped, but the physical abuse was at it's prime. i confided in my school nurse to again try to get some help, dcf was called again, and i didn't feel safe going home.
I endd up running away from home for a week, was kicked out of my small town by the police and sent to go live with my mom 8 hours north. the dcf investigation never went anywhere. i called my case worker one day saying that my father was coming to visit my mother and that he is not allowed within 500 feet of me. my social worker said that she could not do anything for me because i was in a different city and because my dad refused to take a polygraph test after he originally agreed to. i was let down by the system once again.
When i turned 18, i immediately joined the navy and got out of my situation hoping that things would change. i did well for the first two years, until i was kicked out for being gay. from there, things went from bad to worse. i got into a really bad car accident, lost my job because of that accident and was jobless for 6 months living on welfare. i finally got out of that rut and picked my life back up slowly but surely. went through a bad break-up from my ex of almost 3 years and went back into another depression. my ex new nothing of my abusive past.
I moved back home with my mom to go to school, but found out that i couldn't afford it, because my parents could afford to send me, but refused. so i continued to just keep on spiraling downward. i then met my most recent ex and it looked like my life was turning for the better. she was my everything. it all felt perfect with her. she was the first person that i opened up to about my abusive past, and i was terrified to let down those walls to let her in. she was my best friend. two months ago, she broke up with me. out of the blue with no warning. i had just seen her for my birthday (she lived 6 hours north of me) and everything was better then great. then a week later, she says that she couldn't do this anymore and proceeded to cut off all communication with me. a week later, she begins talking to me and lets me know that she is dating someone new. i was already devestated enough knowing that she was never going to tell me to my face why she broke up with me, she couldn't even break up with me to my face and knowing that after her telling me how much i still mean to her and how much she still cares about me that she is dating someone new. like there was no mourning period for our relationship.
I just went further into depression. i would cry at the drop of a hat, stopped eating and barely functioned. i would have stayed in bed and never left if i had the choice, but i didn't want to let anyone know how bad i was. we already had a trip to seattle planned with friends before we broke up, so we still went through with that. it turns out that she mentioned to a friend about my abusive past who in turn told her best friend. i felt so betrayed and i had honestly not thought about suicide since before i went into the navy and all those thoughts, flashbacks and feelings came rushing back in an instant. we all left seattle. i haven't seen or talked to her since then and yesterday, we were supposed to go to a concert together with friends and her new gf in alabama, but i found out from my friend that she wasn't coming and i'm assuming because of me. she will however be at the concert that i am going to tonight.
Lately, i have been trying to get out of my depression but it hasn't really been going to well. i still barely eat and i only function enough to go to work and that's it. recently my mom has started to feel guilty about not doing anything about the abuse and that i blame her for it continuing. but she doesn't feel guilty about the abuse, she feels guilty about not feeling guilty and has started to try and buy my love back. i don't want these things, but i feel horrible if i don't take these things that she gives me.
I know most people that know my situation with my exgf think i should just cut her out of my life, but i just can't do that. i want to protect her, because she has her own problems, alcoholism and drug abuse. i want to protect her because no one was there to protect me. i have probably made no sense through this and i'm sorry about the novel, i just needed to get this all out. i'm so afraid of opening up to people anymore, because i don't want something like this happening to me again. i'm afraid to go to a therapist because of the bad past i have had with them. i just don't know what to do anymore and don't know where to turn. i just want a normal life. if there even is such a thing as one.
About 3 months before i turned 13, it looked like my parents were going to get back together, and honestly i was terrified of that. my mom knew about the physical and verbal abuse, but not about the sexual. i told her hoping that she wouldn't get back together with him, but i was told that i was a liar and it wasn't true. after that stunning blow, i continued my destructive behavior to myself. finally, i couldn't take living with my mom anymore if i felt that she wasn't going to protect me. i ended up running away and was picked up by the police for breaking curfew. when i was taken home, i threatened to kill myself if they made me stay.
I was then arrested and baker acted to a psychiatric hospital for 3 days. i ended up spending a year and a half there. when i got there, i talked to my therapist and confided in a nurse about the abuse and dcf (department of children and families) was called and an investigation was launched. my father was put on a restraining order and was not allowed within 500 feet of me. my therapist tended to make me feel uncomfortable talking to him and i honestly don't think that he believed me about the abuse. he said that i was a compulsive liar. my depression worsened, and my progress went horribly. i was constantly on a suicide watch and one day, they had me in the padded room and i was wearing overalls. i barricaded the door and tried to kill myself and almost succeded at it.
After a couple more months of this, i finally decided that i just wasn't going to get the help that i needed and decided to play along saying that i was better. they let me out and i had a serious panic attack. i didn't really know what to do. i managed to cope, the investigation between dcf and my father was still going on, yet my mother refused to enforce the restraining order. this went on for another about 2 years and at this time i was 17. at this point the verbal and sexual abuse had stopped, but the physical abuse was at it's prime. i confided in my school nurse to again try to get some help, dcf was called again, and i didn't feel safe going home.
I endd up running away from home for a week, was kicked out of my small town by the police and sent to go live with my mom 8 hours north. the dcf investigation never went anywhere. i called my case worker one day saying that my father was coming to visit my mother and that he is not allowed within 500 feet of me. my social worker said that she could not do anything for me because i was in a different city and because my dad refused to take a polygraph test after he originally agreed to. i was let down by the system once again.
When i turned 18, i immediately joined the navy and got out of my situation hoping that things would change. i did well for the first two years, until i was kicked out for being gay. from there, things went from bad to worse. i got into a really bad car accident, lost my job because of that accident and was jobless for 6 months living on welfare. i finally got out of that rut and picked my life back up slowly but surely. went through a bad break-up from my ex of almost 3 years and went back into another depression. my ex new nothing of my abusive past.
I moved back home with my mom to go to school, but found out that i couldn't afford it, because my parents could afford to send me, but refused. so i continued to just keep on spiraling downward. i then met my most recent ex and it looked like my life was turning for the better. she was my everything. it all felt perfect with her. she was the first person that i opened up to about my abusive past, and i was terrified to let down those walls to let her in. she was my best friend. two months ago, she broke up with me. out of the blue with no warning. i had just seen her for my birthday (she lived 6 hours north of me) and everything was better then great. then a week later, she says that she couldn't do this anymore and proceeded to cut off all communication with me. a week later, she begins talking to me and lets me know that she is dating someone new. i was already devestated enough knowing that she was never going to tell me to my face why she broke up with me, she couldn't even break up with me to my face and knowing that after her telling me how much i still mean to her and how much she still cares about me that she is dating someone new. like there was no mourning period for our relationship.
I just went further into depression. i would cry at the drop of a hat, stopped eating and barely functioned. i would have stayed in bed and never left if i had the choice, but i didn't want to let anyone know how bad i was. we already had a trip to seattle planned with friends before we broke up, so we still went through with that. it turns out that she mentioned to a friend about my abusive past who in turn told her best friend. i felt so betrayed and i had honestly not thought about suicide since before i went into the navy and all those thoughts, flashbacks and feelings came rushing back in an instant. we all left seattle. i haven't seen or talked to her since then and yesterday, we were supposed to go to a concert together with friends and her new gf in alabama, but i found out from my friend that she wasn't coming and i'm assuming because of me. she will however be at the concert that i am going to tonight.
Lately, i have been trying to get out of my depression but it hasn't really been going to well. i still barely eat and i only function enough to go to work and that's it. recently my mom has started to feel guilty about not doing anything about the abuse and that i blame her for it continuing. but she doesn't feel guilty about the abuse, she feels guilty about not feeling guilty and has started to try and buy my love back. i don't want these things, but i feel horrible if i don't take these things that she gives me.
I know most people that know my situation with my exgf think i should just cut her out of my life, but i just can't do that. i want to protect her, because she has her own problems, alcoholism and drug abuse. i want to protect her because no one was there to protect me. i have probably made no sense through this and i'm sorry about the novel, i just needed to get this all out. i'm so afraid of opening up to people anymore, because i don't want something like this happening to me again. i'm afraid to go to a therapist because of the bad past i have had with them. i just don't know what to do anymore and don't know where to turn. i just want a normal life. if there even is such a thing as one.
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