Scared

[Ashley-Kate]

hey
At the moment I am not doing so well and I am sure most of you went threw the same thing I am going threw so that is why i ask your help ... at the begening of this hole anorexic lifestyle I thought okay when i reach the perfect weight i will stop once I am happy well I reached my weight about a week ago and well i am no happier then before and everytime I loose a pound I am like oh next time It will be the one until well today i was reading that there is no perfect weight it is all pschological and well I look at my self in the mirror and I am disgusted what I saw before was loads of fat were there was none and now I see why everyone told me that I was too thin I am emeciating ugly I am too thin but terrified to gain a pound please can eanybody help me out here I really don't know what to do .. I would call my e-d dr but I am afraid he would say.. told you so and I really don't want that and also do not want ot be hospitalised again that is my greatest fear what should I do to help myself
yours trully
ashley

 

[David Baxter PhD]

scared

You really must call your therapist, Ashley-Kate. You know this is dangerous and unhealthy. I think you also know you can't stop the cycle on your own.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i don't know

Well this is how I think of it if i was able to take the decision in endangering my life like such then I should be able to stop it okay i am having a bit of a hard time but well it's my probleme i am the one that decides if I eat or not or if I make myself throw up everything I eat so they can't really stop me all they can do is tell me how I should be .... I know that it is bad for me I know that it is rong but no one seems to understand (of the poeple that don't live it) that it feels so good .. to be in control ...
yours trully ashley

 

[David Baxter PhD]

scared

Have you been able to stop on your own so far?

Do you know anyone who has an eating disorder who has been truly succesful in stopping on her/his own, without assistance?

Of course it feels good to be in control. But there are other, healthier, safer ways to achieve that.

 

[Eunoia]

scared

hey ashley-kate- the thing about anorexia (as you have already figured out) is that no matter what weight you are, no matter how you look, no matter what people tell you- it will never be good enough. Thus, yes you may have control over what you do to your body in terms of food intake and compensatory behaviours but you are not in control of what goes on mentally and psychologically- that never ending cycle of wanting to be better, of wanting to lose more, of wanting to be happy but not wanting to go back to where you started from.

now I see why everyone told me that I was too thin I am emeciating ugly I am too thin but terrified to gain a pound please can eanybody help me out here I really don't know what to do .. I would call my e-d dr but I am afraid he would say.. told you so

you're at the point where you see that things aren't ok, but you don't know how to change it. this would be a good time to reach out for help b/c you've realized no matter what you do it will not be good enough and you are putting yourself at serious health risks- and mentally/psychologically you're already not doing too wel, right? yes, somebody can help you and that would foremost be your ed doctor- seeing that you already have one, remember why he's there in the 1st place- to help you. he will not say "told you so" and leave it at that. yes, obviously they know the cycle and the ed behavior but they are educated enough to know how to help you and what to say. hospitalization is not always necessary but if it is it is to get you to a point where you can start truly recovering and looking at all the aspects of your ed and not just the weight. but if you're so thin that it's dangerous health wise- yes, it would make sense to hospitalize I would think. but talking to your doctor about what's going on and what steps you're ready to take would be your first step.

you're right that you made the decision to engage in ed behaviour but 1st of all not all of that is "conscious decision making". also, you may understand that you are skipping meals/not eating etc. but you for sure have no control over all the crap that comes w/ that: ie. feeling tired, feeling dizzy, being cold, having headaches, heartaches, feeling depressed, feeling unhappy.... you can't control those directly but they come w/ the ed behaviour so hun you're not in control here. it's difficult to get out of that cycle where it feels so good...I get that, but that's exactly what you need help w/.

if you talk to your ed doctor you are taking things into your own hands...thus can be in control in a good way. you want our help, you want your doctor's help but you're scared of what will happen- totally understandable. but fighting this battle will be worth it b/c you don't want to have to feel the way you do right now- and remember how you got to this point- w/ the ed.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

yeah you got a point

Okay no I have not met anybody that has gotten out of an e-d alone but who knows it may be possible.. okay .. I willn stop defending this stupid behavior it's wuite pathetic but then again I am pathetic... The thing is i know that it is not about weight well in a matter of speeking it is about wieghing nothing losing the weight of the pain inside that I am living .. my plan from the beginning was too.. Lose weight the most possible to be undesirable to be ugly like now cause I though if I am so thin so frail then no one will dare tuch me or hurt me therefor I am safe... My trust in other s has decreased causing me to be this way at the begining after the event that started my anorexia .. I was not like this I was depressed i attempted to kill myself about 3 times was hospitalised three times twice for depression and suicide attempt and 1 for anorexia. I think to myself if i stop then I go back to were i was before the helpless girl I have to live what hurt me in order to get better and i feel that it is much easier to starve than do that.
luv always
ashley-kate

 

[David Baxter PhD]

scared

It's not stupid, Ashley. It's just that it's dangerous and unhealthy and it won't make you happier or feel better about yourself in the long run.

Something awful obviously happened to you. Something that made you feel helpless and powerless. It is normal to want to try to impose some control over the world around you and to regain some control over your own life and your own body. That's not stupid.

It's just that there are better ways to accomplish that. And that's something your therapist can help you with, as I think you already know. We can offer some support and help you through some of it too, of course. But in most cases you'll need more than a forum can offer.