Scared

[braveheart]

I really was abused.

My father really caused me harm.

I'm scared.

Like its 'hitting' me for the first time. That I'm now accepting it.

And I'm scared.

I'm alone. My flatmates are in India. I'm not at work today, am on leave.

Everything feels so empty and I feel like I can't reach anyone, I feel voiceless and trapped.

Physically I feel really restless.

Noone to talk to.

Scared.

Want to hide and run towards people all at the same time.

Haven't been out today, not safe.

 

[Into The Light]

Re: scared

you may feel like you are alone and you have no one to talk to, but you can write here, and alleviate the loneliness. you do have a voice here with us.

you mention feel restless physically, what do you mean by that? do you feel like you need to be moving all the time? would a bunch of jumping jacks help alleviate that feeling? i was going to suggest going out for a brisk walk or a jog but you mentioned it's not safe for you to go out.

 

[braveheart]

thank you lb.

I had a bath, then dinner.

I feel a bit more in my body, but my feelings are someplace else just for the moment. I've gone a bit numb. Protection.

I know I ought to move, run around the flat, dance, move my body, but I feel so frozen, like paralysed, scared of what might happen if the feelings move.

I feel tears there in the background, like of grief and anger, but they are unshed, because they are frozen, too.

 

[Heather]

it is nice to know that you can come here when you feel alone isn't it? I am sorry for how you feel, I do not know if this helps, but I have been there and have felt similiar and felt silly for the way I thought it too!

I am thinking of you.

Heather...

P.S. Feel free to message me if you want to vent as I can at least understand a bit!!!

 

[texasgirl]

BH: I am really sorry you are feeling so scared. Reaching out to you through the miles with a hug. :hug:

I am glad that you are here to talk to and to listen to.

 

[Into The Light]

i am sorry you feel so frozen right now. it's probably a protective reaction. when is your next appointment with your therapist, braveheart?

 

[braveheart]

Thank you...Heather for knowing what its like and so understanding and helping me feel less estranged and alienated and isolated...

tg, for reaching out across the miles...

lb...for responding again... yes, it is protection..I've never felt it so acutely. Its part of the recovery and learning to feel process. I did some very deep work in Friday's therapy session, and unfreezing...

I see my therapist again tomorrow morning. Thankfully.

I did do a picture last night, which helped. I'll paint it later. I also had a dream that felt really significant last night, so I need to write that out and work with it some...

And..my internet connection has kept freezing and cutting out, since yesterday evening.... just to compound things or something....

 

[Into The Light]

learning to feel again, it's strange isn't it? in a way depression is so painful and difficult, and it feels like you are feeling too much. at the same time though, it's numbing and you don't feel much of anything. i found i was learning to feel again as i was coming out of the depression. it's a strange contradiction.

i am glad you have some things you can do today, the painting and writing out the dream. i am sure it will be helpful. and you only have one day to go before therapy again. :hug:

 

[braveheart]

Thank you...

I'm nodding my head to all you say about feelings.

I dissociated feelings rather than actual memories, connected with my traumas.
People used to say I was emotional. But I didn't really feel. It wasn't safe to feel...

 

[Miette]

I'm sorry you are feeling so scared and alone. I just want you to know you're not :hug:

 

[braveheart]

Thank you, Miette. I'm feeling quite a bit better now. It comes and goes in waves, but the sense of being frozen and paralysed is one of the worst states. My therapist helped shift me from it. It hurts, to unfreeze, but mostly it does feel safer than being/feeling so stuck.

 

[Heather]

I am glad that you don't feel as stuck as you used to. It is an odd journey this isn't it? YOu don't sort of know where it will take you and at times you have little choice, and when you do have choice you may not have a say in 100% of what you are doing. But I do think that it is worth it sticking to this path we will get there in the end, I am sure.

Hope you continue to feel better and things begin to look up for you.

Heather...

 

[chell]

Braveheart, l was in the exact position you were in at Christmas time. lt was the anniversary of my third Child's death, on the 23 rd of Dec. a week before that the man l was living with decided he no longer wanted me in his life (gave me a long list of what was wrong with me ) left and decided to drive 7 hrs away to celebrate Christmas and New Years with his family after asking that my Daughter and l get out, basically to go with nothing but to live on the streets in the middle of a Canadian Winter with no money or food, offered no help on moving our belongings such as clothes or my art supplies as l paint, and just kept calling to ask if we were gone yet, and l had never felt so alone in my life as l sent my Daughter to her Father's for Christmas to have her away from the ongoing stress.

l was trying to find some support on line and l think l was the closet to actually wanting to hurt myself as l felt so dissasosiated from myself feeling the whole event was so surreal and l was numb and just empty inside as weeks earlier he was professing his love for me.

l just kept reaching out until l found somewhere and l talked to my Therapist almost on a daily basis and the Psychiatrist who was also treating him was very shocked my his actions, increased and changed my meds because she saw what a mess l was in. l really saw no light in my future and one very kind person said to me not to live day by day when things get so bleak but to live min. by min. meaning just get through the moments and if you can just get through the rough moments that is the greatest acheivement that you can make.

Just keep writing and posting and people do care and are willing to listen and respond and as long as you keep writing that is keeping you going for such moments. You have people who care and they can be from anywhere in the world, but you really are not alone. l am living proof of that . At those lowest points of my life at those times before Christmas there was people that gave me time and love and enough compassion to keep me going.

l hope by writing this to you now, l am giving some back to you as was given to me. l will always be around to lend an ear or time if you need some one to talk to.

Michelle ......... Just remember, moment by moment to start.

 

[braveheart]

Thank you Michelle, and for sharing your story.

I am continuing to unfreeze, in therapy and through my own work alongside. It is painful, messy, often feels unsafe, frightening...because I am unblocking all the rage that I split off from 'back then'.

I am using all the creative tools available, and have now got some play doh, where I can symbolise feelings/memories in a whole new way...

One of the most painful things is accepting that I have internalised the bullies, and my authoritarian and punishing father.... Seems like the 'final punishment' and very unfair. But I have a really good therapist who is supporting me in containing all this safely and compassionately.

 

[Halo]

Braveheart,

I really admire your strength and determination in continuing to unfreeze and I can relate as I too have a lot of rage that is built up inside me and am having a difficult feeling and expressing. You said that you are using creative tools and was wondering if you could explain for me exactly what you are referring to. If you would prefer to pm me instead of posting on here, I understand and would appreciate it.

Thanks
:hug:

 

[chell]

I have been artistic and creative all of my life and l can see a rock, flower, string, pretty well anything and with imagination can do something with it. During the month of November when the Ex was starting to become distant, the Dysthmia and Agorphobia l also have became much worse and l was housebound and l was unable to paint much less pick up a brush or have anything pop into my head l was so Depressed.
I kept asking the Ex if anything was wrong and of course he denied it saying l was overeacting or worrying too much or worse yet, imagining things that were not there.
Throughout Dec. it was getting worse and when the words came out of his head on Dec. 15th, it was like my world stopped and just fell apart around my feet.
l honestly thought that was the end of my life there and then. l had just finished under going Therapy for Childhood Abuse and Neglect and had gotten to the stage of saying "I was never loved or wanted" and lo and behold came home and told him that my Therapy lesson learned was that and hours later, he dropped that bomb on me. Almost like he had it on cue.

l got on the computer later on that night after he left and l sat and thought about how alone l was and honestly thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel for me. l was rock bottom, l had no feelings left to let go of and feeling unloved and abandoned was putting it mildly. The anniversary of my daughter's death of coming up in 7 days, and he had said, " l did not want to do it at such a rotten time of year for you, but l could not help myself"...
Only 9 days until Christmas and the kids were just torn upside down and with his leaving the kids tore down the Christmas Decorations and l gave them their gifts in their bags and we all cried and that is when my Daughter went to her fathers and my stepson went to his moms.

l basically just sat staring at the screen of the computer for hours crying and knowing that the meds were not working and l had no car as the Ex had it . l just kept typing until l got someone to just listen to me.

After going to the women's shelter, we moved into this place , l have slowly started to paint again. l am decorating with my own things since we are not in the market for new things or art. So l use my own imagination and for starters it keeps my busy and l take my time and paint rather than rush through, so in gettng things for the house, l either paint what l get (which is often given to us) or paint something to accentuate it.

It is a fresh start here for us, no reminders of the past and nothing that belonged to him or us that l will look back with good or bad memories. That way, when l have seen him out and around, l go walking else where so l don't have to talk to him or see him up close because of that inside rage l feel inside. l think in time it will pass but for now, l feel nothing for him but contempt for what he put my Daughter, Stepson and l through this past year because he wanted some excitement in his life instead of stability.

So I consider myself very lucky to have all the paints brushes and art supplies that l do, that l am able to now get back into doing my art and using my mind to make our home unique in the sense that it is one of a kind!

Some might like it and others might not, but my daughter and l are cozy so that is good for us and keeps me thinking of new things to do.

 

[chell]

Braveheart;

l forgot to mention to you, l like you internalize alot also. l am in Therapy for that also. l was doing great until Christmas and now it is back to square one for me.
l have internalized everything from my parents , to the bullies , to all of my relationships and l always take the blame for everything that goes wrong.
No matter what the problem, l think it is something l did or something that is wrong with me that caused the problem.
This man used this against me and he had a very long list of all the wrongs in me which l stupidly listened to and believed, like anyone else who ever told me what was wrong with me, but like you with Therapy l am working to get over that.

It is one of the hardest roads to travel to shut that tape recorder off, but in the end, it will be shut off. l have to believe that and l belive the same for you.

 

[braveheart]

Thank you, Michelle.