So messed up in the head

[jwfoster32]

I recently (3 weeks ago) broke up with my boyfriend.

We were "trying" to resolve the issues at hand. We hit an impass. I like to deal with issues head on. He avoids them. I say whats on my mind. He clams up.

Well I finally got him to open up...and all "heck" broke loose! Apparently I am completely to blame...for the simple fact that I fell deeper in love, faster. In doing so, my expectations changed towards the relationship. He felt "smothered". His solution..."lets take time". Esentially, I was left out in the cold. I would want to discuss things...it made him feel uncomfortable.

I was like..."if we're working on this, does it not help to actually have discussions?" Am I wrong? Is that asking too much?

At this point there is NO possibility for resolution...so that said.

What I need to understand..."Is my approach to resolution all wrong? Should I have sat back and just waited for when it was convinient for him?"

 

[jwfoster32]

Acouple of other things i forgot to include....i dont know if they are relavent...but here they are:

We have had several big aruements over jealousy issues...him pushing me away and me getting upset over it.

There is a pretty significant age difference. I am 33 and he is 26.

I have been "out" for several years and he is not "entirely"...though, if asked..he wouldn't deny it.

I am very outwardly affectionate, he is not.

I have had a few (4) signifcant relationships before him -- lasting from several months to a couple of years...he has had 2, his longest was 4 months.

I am just wondering if all these factors were indications of what I should have expected?!

 

[ThatLady]

I don't think your approach is wrong, hon. I think this person is just not the right person for you. When seeking a life partner, we really need to think about how each of us problem-solves. These methods need to be compatible, or there are going to be issues. If one is a talker and the other is a clam, trouble is bound to occur. Sometimes, one person or the other can modify their approach to better suit the relationships. However, sometimes that's just not possible. At those times, it's best to just move on.

 

[jwfoster32]

Its the "moving on" part that I am having such difficulty with. It is a VERY small suburban town and the likelyhood of running into one another is HIGH. It would be soooo much easier if I could just disappear. That way I wouldn't hurt NEARLY as much as I do. My heart is soooo broken right now. God, I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel completely pathetic and worthless.

I amsooooo lost!

 

[Diana]

I think ThatLady is right. He probably just isn't the right person for you. Everything you mentioned could definitely be a factor in this. The fact that he isn't completely "out" might mean that he is still confused about the person he is. Therefore, he might be more into exploring right now and kind of fearful of making a full commitment to someone. There is no harm in being very affectionate and forward. That's the person who you are. Someday, you will find someone who will accept and even love those qualities about you. But, I don't think you'll find that with this guy at this time. And that's OK! It's ok to be single. The reason you feel worthless is because he was the one who kind of rejected you. But, that doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you. I think it just wasn't meant to be. It sounds like at this time in this guy's life, he just isn't "ready" or doesn't want to be too attached. It could be because of his age or his past experiences, but I don't think you should spend too much time analyzing all of that. I know it's difficult not to do because you really like him. However, do you really want to be with someone who can't accept the person you are?
By the way - you mentioned in a different post about him talking you into having a threesome. Was the threesome with another guy or with a girl? Sorry, maybe it's a stupid question, but I'm just wondering if maybe he's bisexual.
Hang in there!

 

[jwfoster32]

Diana...

You make some very good points. These are all ones that I have considered.

YES...It hurts like a "son of a bitch"! I am trying so hard to hold onto what "logic" I can when thinking about this situation. It is just SOOOOO hard to do. I never anticipated this hurting NEARLY as much as it does!

Oh, the three-some, was with another guy. He isn'r Bi-sexual -- that much I'm sure of. Alternately....EVERYTHING else in my life is in question. Sad to say, I know! But.....none the less true! I used to be soooo strong. I can't figure out what happened to that!

Anyway...Thank you very much Diana for the reassuring response!

Jeff

 

[jwfoster32]

Had freak out episode last night.

The guy tha I was so into and loved...well guess he's TRULY over it all. He went out Saturday and hooked up with some guy. Was all over him at the bar. Mind you there is only ONE gay bar in this area. And all this got back to me.

We had agreed that "things like this" would be handled tactfully. I was soooo upset. I confronted him on it. He called my friigin' to complain!! I was agast by that!

I cant figure out how NOT to freak out on these things!!

 

[ThatLady]

Although I can imagine your pain and humiliation at such a confrontation, the best thing you can do, hon, is to put this behind you. No matter how much you may have felt for this guy, he's obviously not the partner for you. It may be the fickleness of age, in his case, or it may be just an inability to commit. Either way, he's not for you.

You need to sit down and have a good long talk with yourself about your self-worth, and what you're looking for in life. You're worth far more than some dude who'd break up with you one week and be crawling all over some other dude the next week...right in front of you. He's got the compassion and empathy of an alligator, obviously...not to mention incredibly bad taste in public behaviors.

There's someone out there for you. You just need to put this guy behind you and go on with your life. I've got a couple of friends who've been together for twenty years. When you find the right partner, things brighten up.

 

[jwfoster32]

Thanks!

I am trying my damnedest to get through this. At this point I don't even wanna deal with him. I just want to feel good again. I used to be SOOO confident and together.

Lately I feel like some psychotic JERK!

 

[Diana]

I understand that what happened really hurt you and made you angry.? But, I think something good comes out of this.? At least now you know for sure that this guy is not into having a commited relationship with you.? There is no more guess work.
I once had a "relationship" with a guy for a while that was not commited.? However, we never made promises to each other.? Eventually though, I did begin to have feelings for him, but I never told him.? Anyway, he went away to live in another city and that was the best thing he could have done for me.? At least I got out of it before the feelings got too strong.
In your case, your ex actually did become your boyfriend and obviously there is certain expectation and understanding of commitment in that case.? I'm so sorry that that happened and that he commited to you when he obviously couldn't.? It makes it harder on you.? But, guess what.? Everything is a learning experience.? I don't believe that any expereince is wasted if we can later take something from it.? You don't have to forget what happened, but just don't burden yourself with it.? I know I'm making it sound simple, but later you can look back on this incident and just think "remember him?? oh ya!? that was a long time ago".? Do you know what I mean?? Hope you feel better soon.

 

[jwfoster32]

Diana...

Thank you so much!

I just got off the phone with a hotel in NY. I have decided that I need a few days away from this area...and the potential of running into him. I need some time to be with friends and just relax.

I do understand exactly what you mean. I have been dow the break-up road before. It just doesn't seem to get any easier. Hopefully soon it will.

Jeff

 

[Diana]

That sounds like a great idea! Then when you come back, even if you run into him it won't seem so bad. You've been out with friends, doing your own thing and getting on with your life. Have a good time!