So scared

[Ashley-Kate]

hello,? well i just wanted to notify you 's that i will be going to my regular appointment at the clinic i was at on monday i am extremly nervous and i don't know what is going to happen i recently found out that at the beginning of the month of april i should have finally a psychologist and a nutritionnist and for that i am extremly releaved finaly some sort of security!.. On monday i will be getting weighed and that is the moment i fear every time i go back there not having to see how much i weight but there reaction to the difference in weight and what they will do about it my 18 th b-day is approching now very quick and well i highly doubt they will keep me i am still above a bmi of 18.9 so everything is okay and well even at that if they did end up keeping me well it would be pintless do to the little time left i owould not benifit from the treatment cause it is only for adolescents and well once i have the choice i will sign myself out as fast as possible cause i don't believe in their programme anymore cause i feel powerless in front of the obstacle that is my anorexia. My boyfriends held me in his arms the other day and commented on? my size not saying that i am fat but the opposite and i screamed at him he knows about my anorexia and does not understand and that scares him he feels sad when he sees me so he sais because he seems to think that the only thing that is important to me now is calories and weight loss he spoke to the school nerse about his worries behind my back and she came and got me in class to talk.. i refused to let her weigh me ..or take my vital signs and i told her i was fine i feel attacked in all of thins and i don't know what to do part of me sais help but the part that speeks aloud is the part that sais stay away..
yours trully ashley

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: so scared

Good luck, Ashley. It may be nerve-wracking but this is good news.

 

[Eunoia]

Re: so scared

I am so glad you will finally be getting some support again... and that you get to see a psychologist & nutritionist. also, even if you're at a healthy bmi, that doesn't mean that you are healthy- a lot of people meet criteria for being at a normal/average/healthy weight but they're not healthy (and still have an ed). if you don't believe in their program anymore, maybe there is another one that's more appealing? I know you said you don't want any program at all, but I also think that even from what you said (that it will be some sort of RELIEF and SECURITY to see your psych./nutritionist) that you want to hang on and keep fighting but it's a tough battel to fight- I fully agree. but the key is to keep fighting. your b/f, the nurse, the people at the clinice- they're all worried about you b/c they can see that if you only keep on fighting there is hope, and if you have very little left, borrow some of theirs... hold on to whatever they're holding onto, in hope that maybe one day you can see what they see. 18 isn't the end of it hun. it's just another milestone. another beginning. another challenge. but even if you do sign yourself out of the program it will NOT fix all the things you're struggling w/ right now and in the past. it will be a way to run away from this, and I understand why... but it won't bring you happiness, and most likely it also won't bring you what you're striving for... b/c you DO still have that part of you inside that wants to get better. and you can. I really think you can.

 

[Thelostchild]

Wow, thats great, I can understand that it wasn't an easy thing to do.