Considering suicide

[Lonewolf]

I'm sending out the biggest apologies to everyone here!! I'm so, so sorry for everything i've said recently! There's so much that is petrifying me, i don't know how else to cope with it! I know that telling people that im going to do myself in is not the best way of asking for help, but i have seriously thought about it, on and off for a long time! I know the impact suicide has on others as it has occurred in my life a few times, although impact is not what i think about initially and that is a selfish thing to do!! I have to admit that when i think about this stuff, 1) its so that i can have a little control of my life/death and 2)It's to make other people realise how crap things really are! 3) I don't like to admit but i need people that have caused me pain/grief in the past, to feel a little guilt for what has happened to me in the past and in the presant!! Its not revenge, i promise! It's more that i want recognition!! I try to be strong, only im not strong really because all i crave for the most in my life is to have a hug with my mum! I still miss her as if im still a child, i crave her love, her attention!! I know this will never happen and it hurts deep into the core of my body and unfortunately it comes out in anger against myself, its easier to live with (for me)!! I'm sorry for any angst i may have caused!! I guess im not good at expressing my thoughts and feelings, i can relay to people know how it makes me want to react!! Its not good, but its how i am!! eek:

 

[Retired]

Reeper,

The best way to get your revenge on the people who have caused your distress is to go on living, and to make a success of your life. That way you will show them they were all wrong about you and by doing this, you will have the satisfaction of looking them in the eye and showing them you are not the person they made you out to be.

You would demonstrate your superiority of mind to them, and you can feel the glee of satisfaction.

By committing suicide, you might just prove to them they were right in their ill conceived idea about you.

The worst you can do is to allow the opinion of others to control your life and your destiny, and worst of all, to allow the worthless opinions of others result in your suicide.

The best you can do for yourself would be to get professional medical help and take back control of your life. Your reason to live should be to take control of your life and achieve the self satisfaction of your achievement.

No need to apologize, because we are here to provide non judgmental support. The only thing we ask is that you be respectful of efforts of our members who are trying to help you.

Will you promise to keep yourself safe and to contact your doctor for another followup to receive treatment for your ongoing distress>

 

[Lonewolf]

I will try to!!! I don't usually make promises lol, but i will try!! Thankyou!!

 

[MHealthJo]

So happy to hear it!!

 

[Lonewolf]

Hi! Things haven't really improved much, but ive taken the plunge and have made a doctors appointment! Im in the state where im feeling unwell if i do take these strange tablets and equally, if not worse, when i don't! i've got myself into this mess because im not strong and stuff really gets to me and it shouldn't!! I am so nervous of my gp, I don't know why? I will go!! mg:

 

[forgetmenot]

So proud of you hun making an appt to talk to your doctor Make sure you write down how you have been feeling your moods anxiety fears your thoughts ok

Writing it down all you want to say so you dont' forget to say something when you are there. Let us know how your meeting goes

 

[Retired]

I am so nervous of my gp, I don't know why?

Very happy to hear about your decision to see your doctor!

I think the key to a successful and satisfying doctor visit is preparation. By knowing what you want to discuss and the questions to ask can relieve a considerable amount of stress.

Your doctor should not be judging you, but should be interested in knowing all your symptoms in order to make an accurate diagnosis.

Remember your doctor has likely heard it all before, so there is little you might tell your doctor s/he has not heard.

Please visit this site for help in preparing for your visit:

The Partnership for Healthcare Excellence

and use the attached sheet for preparation.

Also, have a look at this Mayo Clinic article:

Suicide and suicidal thoughts - MayoClinic.com

 

[Lonewolf]

I did it, completely embarressed myself, but i did it!!

 

[forgetmenot]

Don't worry hun your doctor would never ever judge you so you don't do that ok It is ok to let our guard down around our doctor that way the doc can see the real us and how we are coping hugs

 

[Retired]

completely embarrassed myself

Perhaps less than you might have imagined. Was anything said to make you feel embarassed?

If you would care to share what happened, we could help you analyze the events, to help you learn and possibly modify your approach with your doctor the next time.

 

[MHealthJo]

Excellent, Reeper, excellent work! Amazing amazing!!

Yes, please feel very free to share the struggle you had or carry on talking to us, as you try to navigate the challenges of getting the care and better health that you deserve....

Proud proud proud!! xox

 

[Lonewolf]

I wanted to remain composed during the appointment as breaking down in front of people usually makes me feel vulnerable and i clam up, not able to talk about personal problems after that happens to me, it's an automatic thing that i don't feel i have much control over! As soon as she asked me how she could help me, i cracked!! I cried! It was not my plan to do so, at all, i was annoyed with myself for blabbing!

To my surprise she seemed to empathise! I thought she was going to be mad as hell at me for taking these pills, i was totally astonished when she actually asked me why and how, generally interested in what i was telling her!

She told me to lower the dose of those tablets and not to just stop them! We agreed that i would go in to see her once a fortnight! I am very nervous about it, but i am also relieved! I have also agreed to hand in the rest of the pills! The Dr suggested i wrote a mood diary and also to try and not react to my strong impulsive behaviours, (i worry about this part because impulsiveness is so damn difficult to fight against, otherwise it wouldn't be impulsive?)write it all down and she will discuss it with me! I also need to be a bit more rational and work through the 'pro's and 'con's' of my reactions and actions!! Its all a bit difficult to think about right now and I'm very anxious that I'm going to mess it up, but at least I've made a step in the right direction!! I don't know how I'm going to keep composure and this is my main concern!

 

[MHealthJo]

Oh hun I am so pleased with how you did, and with the fact that by reaching out and being vulnerable with someone trustworthy like a doctor you have chosen, you got the supportive, helpful response you deserve! You took a difficult but positive, very significant action of control in your health and wellbeing. What an amazing thing you have done!

You did an excellent job, did not mess anything up, and have nothing to be embarrassed about!

Did you know that it is not wrong or negative or something to be ashamed of, to feel emotions or feel weak or vulnerable? Showing our emotions and struggle to our doctors and health carers - that is exactly what we must do. That way, they can see the emotions, see what is happening, and make actions to work with us. You got just what you need to get from a healthcare provider. So proud of your success!!

The plan for you sounds excellent!! Please be very, very, VERY patient, caring, understanding to yourself.

The only way you can "mess up" your healthcare is if you stop seeing your health supporters and providers, to stop getting your health care.

The rest is just all part of the journey.... and you are on that journey! And we are real proud!!

Wonder if you could do something nice for yourself, like a hot bath with nice smelling oils, or a new nice shower gel for you, or download some music you would enjoy, or anything to celebrate what you have done? Let us know if you think of a nice little idea, we'd love to hear about it..............

Either way.... Big Yay! xox

 

[Lonewolf]

Im going to have a DVD night! get my duvet on to the sofa, a hot drink and a big teddy to hug. I love watching films, my favourite one is 'ghost' with patrick swayze and demmi moore!! It's a good one to have a weepy to!! Im a softy really! (not that i like to show it!)

 

[MHealthJo]

That sounds excellent! Hmm, I'm feeling a bit due for one of those myself, actually... Think I'll spend some hours the same way tomorrow... So while you have yours, you may consider me to be sharing your little celebration with you... (if you'd like that ) Mm, a nice hot drink too, you've got the right idea. I have a French style creamy-tasting coffee mix that'd go down nicely with it....

So I'll think of ya when I watch mine and send you a wish of enjoyment - you deserve it mate.

 

[Retired]

I don't know how I'm going to keep composure and this is my main concern!

Here's the way I look at it:

It sounds like you have a compassionate and understanding physician caring for you, who is interested in helping you.

Based on what you have shared, it sounds like you might have a lot of pent up feelings inside that weigh heavily on your mind and emotions.

Your doctor's job is to help you find ways of dealing with your demons, but in order to fully understand your issues, you will need to express them to your doctor.

Obviously these are painful issues, and I'm sure your doctor fully understands your pain, so to express these issues with deep emotion, which might include a complete emotional release would not surprise your doctor, but the payoff to you might well be a lessening of the pain you feel.

Getting the demons out into the open usually shows us those demons are not as big and foreboding as we previously thought. Your doctor would then be able to offer you strategies that might help you come to terms with those very issues.

You must be pleased with the wonderful progress you have made in taking back control of your life.

 

[Lonewolf]

just AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! this is so difficult!! Im struggling with this!! I sincerely hope im not expected to completely change my behaviours in a few days! Doing my hardest, but i don't think im as capable as initially thought!! sorry to disappoint! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! Am preoccupied!! Managed not to react at the moment, but urges are getting very strong!! I apologise perfusely now as i can't promise anything today!! Im trying....!mg:

 

[forgetmenot]

I sincerely hope im not expected to completely change my behaviours in a few days!

HUn no one will expect you to do this it takes months years sometimes ok to fully heal You will take small steps hun at first ok and you have already started taking those steps Try not to let everything overwhelm you just take each hour and get through it ok then you will take each day and get through it and so on. Noone expects you to heal overnight hun it takes time some more time then others I have been in therapy awhile now hun Right now you feel anxious and afraid make sure you communicate that to your doctor ok

 

[MHealthJo]

No hun, definitey, definitely what Forgetmenot said. Problems are complex, and definitely some more than others. You have a longer road ahead of you than looking after a broken bone, or applying medicine to something on your body.... thats for sure. It would be totally unreasonable to expect much changes quickly!

You should still be congratulating yourself for reaching out to this forum, sticking with us when it presented a challenge and discomfort, and getting to the doctor. One step at a time. You don't start a fitness program by running 100m sprints, one after another after another.......

We just need to keep talking to our health care providers; and gradually introduce those little new behaviours.... like seeing the doc - which you've done!

In time, positive behaviours will replace the ones we don't want anymore.... and will get easier.... in time. We're talking a a LOT of time! NOT quickly. We're talking thinking about it, learning about it, then trying things when we're ready... some failures, some successes, setbacks.... but overall, the better life that comes from trying to help ourselves - more benefits as time passes by, and as we gradually learn more.

Please be very, very patient with yourself, okay. xx

 

[Lonewolf]

Thanks! Today is not a good day, but i hear you!! :subdued: