Considering suicide: Don't let despair obscure other options

[Cat Dancer]

I just wonder if it is brain chemistry that causes the thoughts or if it is almost like a bad habit. Like a thought that brings relief but it's a false sense of relief.

 

[ThatLady]

I think some people do make a habit of thinking that way when they feel really stressed, Janet. It's done so often it becomes habitual behavior - sort of a distorted coping mechanism. My daughter was told by her therapist at one time that she'd made a "friend" of suicide. It was to that "friend" she ran when she felt cornered and didn't know what to do. Therapy and medication helped her to find better ways to deal with the stress.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think it's really hard, though, when you're all alone with those thoughts and there isn't anywhere to turn to find out if they aren't rational thoughts in that moment.

I'm glad your daughter found better ways.

 

[ThatLady]

She didn't find them on her own, Janet. She found them through medications and therapy. The medications made it possible for the therapy to work. Without that combination, I'm not sure she could have done all the work she's done so successfully. I remember all too well the times when she couldn't see past the distortions.

 

[Cat Dancer]

These thoughts are going over and over in my head:

If I truly can't/won't see the answers I should already know, then how is there any hope for me. If I refuse to see them or something like that, then I can't get well.

I can't stop thinking about this. Maybe this is what's wrong in therapy. I can't see what is right before me and I never can. What is wrong with someone like that.

I thought I was trying really hard, taking the medication, trying hard in therapy I told myself I was doing the best I could do, but now I'm wondering if it has all been a waste, if it is impossible for me to see what I need to see or I am blocking myself from seeing it. Or if I just don't want to get well. I thought I did, but now I'm even more confused than when I started.

 

[ThatLady]

I think what you're experiencing is pretty normal; especially, during the early stages of therapy. We question ourselves constantly. The wrong has to lie with us because that's what we've come to believe is always the case. We measure everything in black and white. It's either all one thing, or all another - all bad, or all good. That's just not how life really is; nor, is it how people really are. We, and life, exist in shades of grey.

What is today isn't necessarily what's going to be tomorrow, or next week, or next month. We learn as we go along, and things change slowly - sometimes without our even realizing that a change is taking place. It can look pretty chaotic in the beginning, and it can seem like we'll never reach our goal. Yet, once that goal is reached, the road seems a lot shorter than it did while we were travelling. :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I've been in therapy for over six months now. I don't know if that is still beginning stages or not, but it seems like forever and it seems like we're stuck.

 

[comfortzone]

Janet,

I would imagine that you are experiencing these doubts and concerns due to your discomfort of being in the therapeutic relationship. It is not abnormal to attempt to develop a sense of distance between you and your therapist at first. The development of your relationship with your therapist can take some time. The more difficult experiences you have had in your life can impact the length of time it takes to develop the alliance. The only wasted time that would "exist" would be if you stopped going to your therapy. How you are reacting to therapy is valuable information to your therapist. Please share your feelings with him/her. Expressing your feelings of the sessions to your therapist will provide him/her with an opportunity to help you work through these feelings. Just so you know it took me a good six months just to get to the point where I could address some of my issues with my therapist. There is no time frame in mind when disclosing your most personal thoughts and feelings. Take care.

 

[Cat Dancer]

comfortzone, I just wanted to say that what you wrote has been very helpful. Especially this part:

Just so you know it took me a good six months just to get to the point where I could address some of my issues with my therapist. There is no time frame in mind when disclosing your most personal thoughts and feelings. Take care.

I've been thinking I should be out of therapy by now or farther along or feeling better than I am, but knowing that I'm not alone in taking this long to get to some of the big issues is helpful to me.

I was also thinking, I don't WANT to have the thoughts of suicide. I hate that they pop into my head, sometimes when it seems like things are even going better. I'm not having them right now or for the last day or so, but it seems like things have been so much harder knowing that I MUST keep going, that it isn't an option to get out of this. But that's just how it is. I do have to keep going.

I know I'll probably have the thoughts again, but I just have to keep telling myself it isn't an option and hopefully with therapy and medication and time I can really, really believe that and eventually I won't even have the awful thoughts at all. I hope.

 

[comfortzone]

Janet,

I was in therapy for two years straight and I could have stayed in longer because it became such an important part of my life. I was learning about myself in relation to the world. I found out how I dealt with situations in life. Being in therapy was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Some thoughts can be so automatic that we have them without even realizing that we are "thinking" once again. I learned that sometimes we can think too much, analyze our situations, ourselves and others too much and all of these to a point where there seems to be no clear way out. Thinking no longer serves as a problem solving skill but rather a terror. There is no blame in that last statement. Some of my clients tell me that a family member has said to them "just snap out of it." However, it isn't that easy in terms of depression and anxiety. But communicating our feelings with a therapist can be so helpful. It will take time to work through your issues. Don't be overly concerned about how long it is taking you. And when your focus is on the time, or what you are thinking about the therapist (he/she should do this or that) it is a best time to communicate to them what you are feeling. They are not there to judge. Therapists are there to bring awareness without judgment. Sometimes we humans get to moving so fast that when we do finally slow down we notice the skids marks we have left trying to get through all of our issues so fast. I do believe in time with the continued therapy and medication you will find yourself in a better place. Take care.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Janet,

I learned that sometimes we can think too much, analyze our situations, ourselves and others too much and all of these to a point where there seems to be no clear way out. Thinking no longer serves as a problem solving skill but rather a terror. There is no blame in that last statement.

This is how I feel now. So stuck in myself.

Sometimes we humans get to moving so fast that when we do finally slow down we notice the skids marks we have left trying to get through all of our issues so fast.

This is true.

I do believe in time with the continued therapy and medication you will find yourself in a better place. Take care.

I hope so.

I was thinking about this whole topic, the thoughts. I've always had them. As far back as I can remember I didn't want to BE. So they're not jarring to me and they don't feel like a warning sign because I'm so used to them. But when I think about it, really think, it is scary to have them. On the other hand it is also so normal for me.

I used to stay all night with my cousins sometimes and they lived next to a train track. In the middle of the night the train would go roaring by and it would always wake me up, but not them. They were used to it and I wasn't. That's how these thoughts are. I'm so used to them they aren't warning me like they should be. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I honestly think I am trying as hard as I can, trying to do what the doctor tells me and the therapist. I am still struggling so much. I thought it would be easier by now.

 

[Halo]

I honestly think I am trying as hard as I can, trying to do what the doctor tells me and the therapist. I am still struggling so much. I thought it would be easier by now.

Janet, I can tell that you are trying as hard as you can and following what your doctor and therapist are telling you and I have to say that I am proud of you for that :goodjob:

As for still struggling and thinking that it would be easier by now, I would have to say that bringing up your issues in therapy is always going to be hard and painful and if you weren't struggling while trying to do that then I would be concerned. I believe that you are exactly where you need to be at the moment with taking your medication, going to therapy and taking care of yourself....you are doing good and it will get easier in due time.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, Halo.

It just hurts so much. I don't know how I am going to keep getting through these long, horrible, painful nights when everything just comes back and I can't get away from it. It hurts and hurts and hurts. And I'm tired. I've tried so many different things to make the pain go away. I don't know what else to do.

I think there's no more hope.

 

[Daniel E.]

I think there's no more hope.

You feel that way because you are depressed, not because that is the reality of the situation, as Dr. Baxter points out. For me, any moderate-to-severe depression causes a feeling of hopelessness. However, nothing is permanent, and I always feel better the next hour, the next day, or, at worst, the next week.

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't know what else to do.

I don't know about you, but when I see a therapist, they have a lot of recommendations for me. Some of the typical recommendations I have gotten:

- Get more exercise
- Get more intellectual stimulation (learn something new)
- Get more friends
- Start dating
- Work more or work less (depending on the situation)
- Get more sunlight
- Do stress-management exercises (visualization, deep breathing, whatever you like)
- Try to stop thinking in all-or-nothing, black-or-white terms
- Try a new anti-depressant medication
- Spend more time listening to music since that seems to calm you down

 

[Cat Dancer]

You feel that way because you are depressed, not because that is the reality of the situation, as Dr. Baxter points out. For me, any moderate-to-severe depression causes a feeling of hopelessness. However, nothing is permanent, and I always feel better the next hour, the next day, or, at worst, the next week.

This is so true. I can see that today. I don't have that awful, hopeless feeling. I feel a little bit hopeful. I guess you just have to wait it out sometimes.

The suggestions are good and my therapist has mentioned several of those.

I'm just thankful to be having a better day.

 

[Halo]

Janet, I am glad to hear that you are having a better day today

It is nice to see, enjoy it

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, Halo. I am kind of embarrassed at some of the things I wrote on this thread, the really low, low, downness. But it is helpful in a way as a reminder of how things can change and you can feel not so bad sometimes.

:hug:

 

[Halo]

A wise person once told me that honestly is never a reason to be embarrassed and you know what....he was right

It is a good reminder of how feelings and thoughts can change from one day to the next and you have to hang on because you never know what the next day will bring.

:hug:

 

[ThatLady]

I'm just happy that today is a better day for you, Janet! I hope tomorrow is even better! :hug: