Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
I just hope it's never my job to dust them for mites in the summer
I just hope it's never my job to dust them for mites in the summer 
- Thread starter gooblax
- Start date
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
BONUS: Found a recipe to make the cranberry sauce in my Instant Pot.
BONUS: Found a recipe to make the cranberry sauce in my Instant Pot.
gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
1. Leftover burgers for 2 more nights this week.
2. Making a positive choice not to do something harmful.
3. Trying to come up with a strategy for owning my selfishness over the holidays rather than submitting to things I don't want to avoid being selfish, and getting hurt when I'm inevitably called out for being selfish anyway.
1. Leftover burgers for 2 more nights this week.
2. Making a positive choice not to do something harmful.
3. Trying to come up with a strategy for owning my selfishness over the holidays rather than submitting to things I don't want to avoid being selfish, and getting hurt when I'm inevitably called out for being selfish anyway.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
What some people call “selfishness” is often better described as “boundary setting” or “self preservation”.
A lot of people will call anyone selfish who doesn’t agree to do whatever they want.
What some people call “selfishness” is often better described as “boundary setting” or “self preservation”.
A lot of people will call anyone selfish who doesn’t agree to do whatever they want.
gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
I think it's a mix of things between me and my parents which has made it difficult to tease out what's what. This is a lot of poorly structured writing (which may best be moved out of the 3 positives thread due to its length and off-topic-ness) but I've been thinking about this a bit in preparation for the holidays. My parents have called me selfish a lot of times over the years although in the majority of cases I don't remember why.
Some of the time I'm sure it was for regular childhood selfish behaviour.
Some of the time it stemmed from my lack of understanding about how a behaviour (or lack thereof) was linked to a person's needs/feelings (especially when no one spoke about needs/feelings so it was too much of a leap for me to connect the two... until the 'lesson' came laden with an angry tone, consequences, resentment and guilt/shame labels but still missing the information that would've led me to connect the dots).
And then as you mentioned some of the time it is simply just for not agreeing to do what they want, or responding in the way that they want.
The hardest one for me to be understanding towards myself is #2 because it is technically disregarding other people and by definition, selfish. Yet - in my more understanding moments - I think it only makes sense to use the word in a nonjudgmental way for this. The same way someone can't figure out a math problem when they haven't been taught effectively, I couldn't figure out how actions related to how valued someone felt (and didn't even realise that "feeling valued" was a thing). And like people who struggle with math, instead of changing teaching methods to help them understand in a way that works for them, it's just pile on negative judgement/shame and say that they're bad at something and keep trying to teach the lesson in the same way.
In my less understanding moments I get caught in the web of the negative judgement/shame. It's one of the things that I'm very sensitive to, and I can remember multiple instances just on this forum where I've written from a place of being completely stuck in that web.
So with #2, it can still be an effort for me to recognise where I could do something that makes someone feel valued although I'm getting much better at it. Unfortunately for me it's been like being expected to mind-read something that a lot of people think of as common knowledge. It's not that I don't care. It's that I care on the inside, but it sometimes doesn't come naturally for me to show it through actions on the outside. With people who have built up a backlog of passive-aggressive or guilt/shame statements it's hard for me to see a request as being unladen, and it's less natural to spontaneously do a helpful thing because that backlog is unsurprisingly demotivating.
Then with #3, carefully separating it from #2 is a matter of assessing it on a case-by-case basis at the moment.
I know that I'm going to have some needs over the holidays that will conflict with what other people want, and at the moment I'm ok describing those need as selfish with the nonjudgmental use of the word. There'll be a challenge in not absorbing any judgmental usages that come up along the way.
When it comes to people outside my immediate family, having social anxiety makes this harder for me because I also have to push past my natural inclination to avoid anything that might involve spending any additional time with people who I'm not very comfortable around. And being socially anxious can come off as being snobbish/selfish. A bit of #2 and #3 and #x I suppose.
I think it's a mix of things between me and my parents which has made it difficult to tease out what's what. This is a lot of poorly structured writing (which may best be moved out of the 3 positives thread due to its length and off-topic-ness) but I've been thinking about this a bit in preparation for the holidays. My parents have called me selfish a lot of times over the years although in the majority of cases I don't remember why.
Some of the time I'm sure it was for regular childhood selfish behaviour.
Some of the time it stemmed from my lack of understanding about how a behaviour (or lack thereof) was linked to a person's needs/feelings (especially when no one spoke about needs/feelings so it was too much of a leap for me to connect the two... until the 'lesson' came laden with an angry tone, consequences, resentment and guilt/shame labels but still missing the information that would've led me to connect the dots).
And then as you mentioned some of the time it is simply just for not agreeing to do what they want, or responding in the way that they want.
The hardest one for me to be understanding towards myself is #2 because it is technically disregarding other people and by definition, selfish. Yet - in my more understanding moments - I think it only makes sense to use the word in a nonjudgmental way for this. The same way someone can't figure out a math problem when they haven't been taught effectively, I couldn't figure out how actions related to how valued someone felt (and didn't even realise that "feeling valued" was a thing). And like people who struggle with math, instead of changing teaching methods to help them understand in a way that works for them, it's just pile on negative judgement/shame and say that they're bad at something and keep trying to teach the lesson in the same way.
In my less understanding moments I get caught in the web of the negative judgement/shame. It's one of the things that I'm very sensitive to, and I can remember multiple instances just on this forum where I've written from a place of being completely stuck in that web.
So with #2, it can still be an effort for me to recognise where I could do something that makes someone feel valued although I'm getting much better at it. Unfortunately for me it's been like being expected to mind-read something that a lot of people think of as common knowledge. It's not that I don't care. It's that I care on the inside, but it sometimes doesn't come naturally for me to show it through actions on the outside. With people who have built up a backlog of passive-aggressive or guilt/shame statements it's hard for me to see a request as being unladen, and it's less natural to spontaneously do a helpful thing because that backlog is unsurprisingly demotivating.
Then with #3, carefully separating it from #2 is a matter of assessing it on a case-by-case basis at the moment.
I know that I'm going to have some needs over the holidays that will conflict with what other people want, and at the moment I'm ok describing those need as selfish with the nonjudgmental use of the word. There'll be a challenge in not absorbing any judgmental usages that come up along the way.
When it comes to people outside my immediate family, having social anxiety makes this harder for me because I also have to push past my natural inclination to avoid anything that might involve spending any additional time with people who I'm not very comfortable around. And being socially anxious can come off as being snobbish/selfish. A bit of #2 and #3 and #x I suppose.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
Re: #2 I'm not so sure that mind-reading IS something most people can do. Indeed, I would go so far as to say that nobody is actually able to do that. It's one of the major issues in relationships... don't get angry or lash out if I don't guess what you want or need at any given moment... you do not have a right to be angry or to take out your anger and frustration on me.
If you have told me clearly what you want or need - and I ignore that - THEN you have a right to be angry and frustrated.
But nobody can read your mind. Don't expect anyone to do that and you have no right at all to be angry and takie it out on another person for failing to read your mind.
Re: #2 I'm not so sure that mind-reading IS something most people can do. Indeed, I would go so far as to say that nobody is actually able to do that. It's one of the major issues in relationships... don't get angry or lash out if I don't guess what you want or need at any given moment... you do not have a right to be angry or to take out your anger and frustration on me.
If you have told me clearly what you want or need - and I ignore that - THEN you have a right to be angry and frustrated.
But nobody can read your mind. Don't expect anyone to do that and you have no right at all to be angry and takie it out on another person for failing to read your mind.
gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
The thing is that I'm not sure if it's something that many people have to mind-read for.
The main example I'm thinking of is doing chores. It doesn't take much to realise that people would appreciate being helped with chores when I've contributed to the mess (or benefited from it, e.g. dishes after a meal).
But it took me a long time to really understand that, because the expectation to help was always presented sporadically, suddenly, and with "you never" or "selfish" etc. and "you're doing xyz or I'm taking the computer cable".
So I'd understand that I should be helping but when it's because "not helping is wrong and you're bad because you haven't helped" rather than "helping is right" it took a long time to sink in.
It's easier now to be understanding towards my parents and realise how the breakdown in communication worked towards the problem... Than for example with my aunt who we'd see once a year who'd make passive aggressive or guilt trip comments from the kitchen until my brother, cousins and I would come to take over.
The thing is that I'm not sure if it's something that many people have to mind-read for.
The main example I'm thinking of is doing chores. It doesn't take much to realise that people would appreciate being helped with chores when I've contributed to the mess (or benefited from it, e.g. dishes after a meal).
But it took me a long time to really understand that, because the expectation to help was always presented sporadically, suddenly, and with "you never" or "selfish" etc. and "you're doing xyz or I'm taking the computer cable".
So I'd understand that I should be helping but when it's because "not helping is wrong and you're bad because you haven't helped" rather than "helping is right" it took a long time to sink in.
It's easier now to be understanding towards my parents and realise how the breakdown in communication worked towards the problem... Than for example with my aunt who we'd see once a year who'd make passive aggressive or guilt trip comments from the kitchen until my brother, cousins and I would come to take over.
gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
And back on topic:
And back on topic:
- It's lunch time.
- Sent a document for review.
- I'm not too nervous about a private meeting with the manager and higher boss tomorrow morning... Yet. Could be good or bad.
gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
1. Meeting was good.
2. Rode my bike to work today.
3. I have to leave earlier than the bus comes for our work Xmas party... But I didn't plan ahead and ask anyone for a lift so I thought I'd have to ride home too, and I was nervous about doing that when I haven't ridden at all since Sept (except for 2 weekends ago where I rode for only 5km and felt awful afterwards)... But two people have offered me a lift this morning.
1. Meeting was good.
2. Rode my bike to work today.
3. I have to leave earlier than the bus comes for our work Xmas party... But I didn't plan ahead and ask anyone for a lift so I thought I'd have to ride home too, and I was nervous about doing that when I haven't ridden at all since Sept (except for 2 weekends ago where I rode for only 5km and felt awful afterwards)... But two people have offered me a lift this morning.
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
1. Cranberry sauce came out well. Used fresh squeezed orange juice and some grape juice for more flavor.
2. The six other sides we cooked came out well. My favorite was broccoli rice casserole with jalapeno cheese.
3. Still loving my new favorite show Suits about power-hungry lawyers.
BONUS: Relative made us vegetarian "chicken" noodle soup.
1. Cranberry sauce came out well. Used fresh squeezed orange juice and some grape juice for more flavor.
2. The six other sides we cooked came out well. My favorite was broccoli rice casserole with jalapeno cheese.
3. Still loving my new favorite show Suits about power-hungry lawyers.
BONUS: Relative made us vegetarian "chicken" noodle soup.
gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
1. Work xmas party was alright. Although the plan was to hang out with my old team afterwards that didn't work out. So maybe it's only a 0.5.
2. Bought some noise cancelling headphones in a sale so I can use them at work.
3. Was told some good news, noticed that my face was doing it's "let's just appear expressionless" thing, and tried to correct for it so it wouldn't be strange. Think I did it sufficiently without going overboard.
1. Work xmas party was alright. Although the plan was to hang out with my old team afterwards that didn't work out. So maybe it's only a 0.5.
2. Bought some noise cancelling headphones in a sale so I can use them at work.
3. Was told some good news, noticed that my face was doing it's "let's just appear expressionless" thing, and tried to correct for it so it wouldn't be strange. Think I did it sufficiently without going overboard.
gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
1. I have a one-day training thing today at the other office, so I have a bit more time this morning.
2. Haven't given into any self-destructive thoughts yet even though they've been bugging me all weekend.
3. Guess I'll try writing a journal entry and see if that helps at all.
1. I have a one-day training thing today at the other office, so I have a bit more time this morning.
2. Haven't given into any self-destructive thoughts yet even though they've been bugging me all weekend.
3. Guess I'll try writing a journal entry and see if that helps at all.
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
1. Snow has mostly melted. Got about 4" a few days ago.
2. The two younger dogs loved playing in the snow.
3. Price of unlimited 4G has gone down. (4G is often faster than my rural Internet.)
1. Snow has mostly melted. Got about 4" a few days ago.
2. The two younger dogs loved playing in the snow.
3. Price of unlimited 4G has gone down. (4G is often faster than my rural Internet.)
gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
1. Found something to look into today and understood something about my task (sort of).
2. Cup of tea is helping me feel better (I'm getting a cold).
3. I got a new game for Nintendo Switch last night and it seems cool so far. Played it for a bit last night.
1. Found something to look into today and understood something about my task (sort of).
2. Cup of tea is helping me feel better (I'm getting a cold).
3. I got a new game for Nintendo Switch last night and it seems cool so far. Played it for a bit last night.
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gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
1. On the way to work this morning. Thinking I'll be feeling alright as long as I don't talk and start coughing.
2. Didn't do any self injury at 3am when I woke up and started thinking about it.
3. My bike was still at work yesterday after leaving it there over the weekend and Monday. I rode it home although I had to wear my work shoes cause I forgot my sneakers. My knee isn't feeling great after it so I know I need to do something about the bike setup.
1. On the way to work this morning. Thinking I'll be feeling alright as long as I don't talk and start coughing.
2. Didn't do any self injury at 3am when I woke up and started thinking about it.
3. My bike was still at work yesterday after leaving it there over the weekend and Monday. I rode it home although I had to wear my work shoes cause I forgot my sneakers. My knee isn't feeling great after it so I know I need to do something about the bike setup.
gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
1. The cold hasn't got any worse yet. Usually it eases for a bit then gets into a proper cold, but it's been holding out in the eased bit so far.
2. Only 3hrs left of work today.
3. I have 2 parcels to pick up but they're at different locations, neither of which are convenient. Trying to decide whether to get one parcel today, or just get groceries, or nothing... is not a bad problem to have.
1. The cold hasn't got any worse yet. Usually it eases for a bit then gets into a proper cold, but it's been holding out in the eased bit so far.
2. Only 3hrs left of work today.
3. I have 2 parcels to pick up but they're at different locations, neither of which are convenient. Trying to decide whether to get one parcel today, or just get groceries, or nothing... is not a bad problem to have.
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
1. Saving money on health insurance: Will save $900 next year in premiums alone by having enrolled in a Medicare Advantage plan. Will save even more since it includes free dental and vision insurance and a free gym membership.
2. I get Medicare for 8 years after being off SSDI.
3. All Christmas shopping is done. Got great deals for Black Friday, etc.
1. Saving money on health insurance: Will save $900 next year in premiums alone by having enrolled in a Medicare Advantage plan. Will save even more since it includes free dental and vision insurance and a free gym membership.
2. I get Medicare for 8 years after being off SSDI.
3. All Christmas shopping is done. Got great deals for Black Friday, etc.
gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
1. Not feeling as tired today compared to yesterday. Bonus is that I've been successfully writing up my work (even if I don't think the work is very good).
2. It's a hot day but spent most of it at work in the air con.
3. Got groceries last night, so will pick up parcel #1 after work and get parcel #2 tomorrow.
1. Not feeling as tired today compared to yesterday. Bonus is that I've been successfully writing up my work (even if I don't think the work is very good).
2. It's a hot day but spent most of it at work in the air con.
3. Got groceries last night, so will pick up parcel #1 after work and get parcel #2 tomorrow.
gooblax
MVP
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
Bonus: Found someone's wallet and successfully returned it to them.
Bonus: Found someone's wallet and successfully returned it to them.
Re: 3 Positive Things Part 6
BONUS: We heard an electrical short and smelled smoke before things got worse. It was caused by a water leak near our water heater making wires short and the insulation burn up. Neighbor/electrician went home early to fix it for us.
BONUS: We heard an electrical short and smelled smoke before things got worse. It was caused by a water leak near our water heater making wires short and the insulation burn up. Neighbor/electrician went home early to fix it for us.
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